Asalam u aleikum. I hope you're okay. I'm sorry I couldn't write to you, i felt so feverish and sick for the past 2 days. I was better today and it was also my birthday. It was bittersweet again, because I didn't feel as loved and celebrated. It felt so low in effort, like even the things I recieved were out of a title obligation and not really felt you know? There were good moments too, ofcourse. But I missed you so much. I love you the most, nana jee. Even with nina, I feel like she's never truly happy to see me, as if she thinks I never do enough for her. In reality, I've just been finding empty spaces, to fit in. Even today, there was a moment i felt i didn't belong and felt so replaced that i distanced myself. In those moments I often think of you, how you would look for first in a room full of people, how your biggest smile was reserved just for me, how you loved me without ever expecting anything back and how much i regret not doing enough for you. I miss you so much. I love you so much, nana jee. I think i can only pen down my feelings perfectly when it comes to you, when I'm talking to you because this is when I feel the safest. I feel like even Allah mian does not want me closer anymore, how I've just become a ghost of the person i was, the person who wanted to be better, to be closer to God. Is this depression or just my own inner flaws? I don't know it anymore. Sigh. My birthday was boring, it never felt like it was even my birthday for the most of the day. Anyway, I'll sleep now. Nana jee, please be okay and visit me in my dream soon. I'll wait for you like I always do. Please wait for me too. I love you, and I miss you.
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