nana’s stupid words

I don’t really know ( I’m french, probably don’t make sens but I try )

[nanastupidwords]

The suitcase is too full and does not close, even if I put all my weight on it. I lie down one last time in the same bed as my mother. Like before. The sound of her breathing on my back rocks me. Lonely tears roll down my cheek. Childhood is over. I can no longer ignore her gray hair on which I apply a dye that burns my nose. The thinning head and the regular appointments at the hospital of my father. The wrinkles that dig them. The feeling that I am becoming an adult, that I will never again be their little girl. That it will no longer be home, but my parents’ place. That I will no longer be able to run into their arms to cry when someone breaks my heart. That a warm meal will no longer be waiting for me when I come home soaked. That no one will stroke my back anymore when I am sick. That no one will come to tell me good night every evening. That the perfect top for this party will no longer be folded delicately on my bed. Because I will no longer be able to ask for answers, that it will be up to me to find them, and that I am very afraid of not being capable of it.

But we are in the dark and my voice does not tremble

[nanastupidwords]

We danced on uncertainty, laughed at fate. But destiny made us swallow our teeth.

The train will soon depart from the station, the ticket is slicing my palm, and you no longer want to show me your iris. The ice cream of the big city has melted and sticks to my fingers. The pink couches have turned grey. Tonight, you’ll laugh with me, one last time. You’ll tell me again that you want me to go as far away as possible. But this time, your eyes won’t be playfull, they’ll be pleading. My throat will burn too, you know it just as well, but I’ll smile back trying to hide it. I never knew how to hide anything from you. I’ll tuck my fear and doubts behind my back, like a white rabbit. Trying to soak up the sorrow you couldn’t escape.

The clock has completed its turn. Our hopes have expired. We tried to forget it, to play with it. But in the end, it had the last laugh.

[nanastupidwords]

But sometimes, years later, when it’s late and you can't go to sleep, you will think about him. The boy your mind can't even comprehend how you could have loved someone that much. Who was supposed to be the love of your life but broke your heart into thousands of pieces. And yet, a smile will find its way to your lips, then you will close your eyes and fall asleep. And your world will continue to spin. But sometimes you will think of him.

[nanastupidwords]

Someone asked me where I found that sticker in my phone case. I almost said your name, like it was obvious, but instead I replied that a friend of mine gave it to me. Then I remembered we're no longer friends, that nothing about you is mine anymore, and that I was wrong to call you my soulmate. Now you're just an old sparkling sticker in my phone case that I don't have the strength to throw away.

[nanastupidwords]

You made me toast on the morning of my eighteenth birthday. In the room, the silence was only disturbed by the bread tearing on my teeth. This silence that I no longer have the strength to break. That I begged for at thirteen, when tears rolled down my cheeks. Without being able to forget the child I was, who wanted to scream to break it but remained voiceless. Who drowned in it at the foot of your bed, head lying directly on the floor, listening to you whisper to another.

[nanastupidwords]

The river had overflowed. We took airplanes for shooting stars. Our dreams for reality. And I wanted to take you as mine. The water was wetting my feet, your lips were wetting mine. And it was my heart that overflowed.

Love that pins me in place, that seals my lips. That passes through me, but slips beyond my grasp. Born from the first smile, yet never able to cross the line. Yours, spilling from your hands, but that I’m meant to have forgotten.

I wanted to love you and to make you feel loved. Drunk on you, lips stretched, I didn’t yet know that this was all I would ever have of you.That the love I had always longed for could slip through the very hands that had prayed endlessly for it.

[nanastupidwords]

They’re is a dip in the middle of my mattress. The years go by, yet I still find myself falling asleep in the exact same spot. Each of my bones have indelibly marked the foam. Every morning a cup of black tea lay next to it. Every night, clothes dangling at his feet, trampled upon waking. The seasons pass, faces changes, but the scenery remains the same. I'm still stuck in the middle, dust in every fold of my skin. When was the last time I took a step forward? | can't even remember. The harsh weather whips my face, the wind pulls at my hair, yet I remain stoic, as if turned to stone.

The demon of my childhood has gone mad from being locked in the same place for years.Perhaps I too will become this way, locking everything away in my mind, double-locked. If I put enough effort into it, I can even forget they exist. So I lock it all away. A soul mate turned into a small key called "old acquaintance". Ambitions turned into a little box struck by the "dreamy dreams of a bored child". Last year, a padlock broke, disfiguring my face. The weight of memories suffocated me. My battered heart begged. So I locked it even tighter this time. Swept it away and did a thorough cleaning. If I try hard enough, I can't even remember what shook my foundations all summer.

I do what I was always taught. I shove everything into the closets, put all my weight on the doors to make sure they close. I walk silently on the frozen tiles of the kitchen. I control my breathing as the sun sets. I pull my duvet over my head to hide and curl up in the dip of the mattress.

I say that none of this is meant for me. Obsessing over the fact that if I take a step forward, the ground might just give way beneath my feet.