Words Left Unspoken
Summary: A look into Bucky's thoughts during Tony Stark's funeral.
can read here or down below
He doesn’t want to be here. Hell, he doesn’t even know why he showed up. It was some last minute decision after some disappointed looks and pleading voices. He doesn’t deserve to be here. Yet he is.
Bucky looks around and feels out of place. Everyone here fits. Mourning heroes grieving a loss of one of their own. The loss of the man who sacrificed himself to put an end to Thanos and his army. A man who probably never wanted Bucky to come to his funeral, especially since he is the reason that Tony Stark’s parents are dead.
Guilt is crawling up his throat, choking him out. He doesn’t belong here. He’s no hero. Just a man who’s name is attached to a multitude of crimes and murders. Yet here he is, questioning everything until he remembers why he came in the first place.
Just seeing the look of gratitude on Steve’s face makes showing up slightly worth it. That’s why he is here. Not for himself to mourn the person he barely knew, someone who’s life was destroyed from Bucky’s actions as the Winter Soldier. He is here because his dear friend lost someone close to him. Bucky has taken care of Steve long before he got shot up with the serum. So of course he will continue on with it.
He’s heard the stories when he came back, how Steve and Tony have never truly made up for what had happened after their encounter with Zemo. Even as they fought together again, side by side, after so many years apart, their relationship was still never truly mended. Bucky knows just looking at Steve that there is so much regret in that. So much still left unsaid. All because of what Bucky had done decades ago. All of this tension, this anger, leads back to him.
He really shouldn’t be here, but Steve asked him to. Who would Bucky be if he doesn’t follow Steve around? Steve is always getting into some trouble, and Bucky is always watching out from behind him. Though as much as he was glad that Bucky actually showed up, Steve eventually leaves him to go to the front, surrounded by his friends, his teammates, his family. This time Bucky can’t seem to follow himself there. It just doesn’t feel right. So instead he hangs back.
He shouldn’t have come. Steve has other people who can take much better care of him right now. He can use the training that Hydra put him through and disappear like a ghost. Steve and the Wakandans would probably be the only ones who would notice anyway. Either way, they are too busy saying goodbye and finding comfort in the others that are in attendance.
The funeral is about to start and he is thinking about booking it. Just running away. Bucky is just about to take a step back when he is flanked on either side by Wanda and Sam. He’s never interacted much with them aside from their jaunt at the airport, but together they stand united. Three people who have lost five years of their life, and are standing at a funeral of someone they collectively fought against. Bucky wonders if they feel the same regret as he does.
Regret. Regret. Regret.
All those days and nights in Wakanda thinking of what to say to Tony. The words and apologies he would say after seeing each other again. Rewriting, replanning, reimagining. Now he can’t say anything and reconcile with a dead man. Maybe he got too comfortable in Wakanda. He should’ve left sooner. Instead he died, came back to life, and the one person he wanted to speak with died soon after.
As if hearing his thoughts, Sam puts a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and squeezes. He focuses on the steadiness of Sam’s hand. Concentrating on the calmness that it brings.
He’s heard a lot about Sam from Steve. How he’s worked at the VA, how he helped soldiers readjust to civilian life. Maybe those skills are how he recognized the panic rising within Bucky. Even though the two of them have not been on the most friendly of terms, Sam understands how difficult this is for Bucky. He won’t say it to his face, just one more thing left unspoken, but he is incredibly grateful to have someone care for him. Someone who understands what he is feeling, because Sam is also at a funeral of someone he never reconciled with.
Bucky knows that it’s not just him and Sam that are having shared regrets over Stark. He spares a quick glance to his other side at Wanda and notices that even though she is there physically, her eyes are glazed over. Locked in her own head. Without taking his hands out of his pocket, Bucky does the same to Wanda what Sam is still doing to him. He lightly touches her arm with his elbow. A simple acknowledgement that there is someone there for her. Someone who gets what she has lost.
He feels her taking in a deep breath and she grounds herself back into the present. Wanda leans a slightly closer, and the three of them are conjoined by a thread of touch. They don’t speak to each other, but they don’t have to. They are connected by their understanding of how difficult this day is for each of them.
His thoughts of solitude are nearly gone. Perhaps there is a place for him there. He casts out his apologies across the water, hoping that Stark can hear them wherever he is now. Closing his eyes, Bucky takes in a deep breath and revels in the kind touches that he has so rarely gotten in his long life.
Bucky feels that maybe he can endure this whole funeral.
