Did Xue Yang actually love Xiao Xingchen? Do you think he's capable of that?
I waffled on this a while, mostly about what kind of disclaimers/prevarications I wanted to make, but I think ultimately I came down on the answer of just a straight yes.Ā
I mean - what is love? (baby donāt hurt me.)Ā āLoveā is something thatās very difficult to define and delineate, I think, and comes in a lot of different forms and can be experienced in a lot of different (and often deeply contradictory) ways. I donāt think thereās one single definition or way of experiencing love as an emotion. I also think itās important to note that, like. Loving someone is not a universally positive thing.
Which is I guess to say that I do think Xue Yang is capable of feeling that, but hisĀ form of it isĀ deeply warped and dysfunctional in the ways that Xue Yangās outlook and emotional experience of the world is deeply warped and dysfunctional, and I donāt think heād ever identify it as such. I donāt think Xue Yang really recognized what Xiao Xingchen meant to him, or how deep his emotional attachment to him ran, until Xiao Xingchen killed himself.Ā
Iāve seen reads of Xue Yangās relationship to Xiao Xingchen that posit Xiao Xingchen as a sort ofĀ āobjectā to Xue Yang that he likes, and I do think that Xue Yang in general doesnāt see other people as fully people. I think, though, that Xiao Xingchen kind of transcended that - in a sense, Xue Yangās bubble ofĀ āselfā expanded to include Xiao Xingchen as sort of...an exception. He acquires the designation ofĀ āalso personā partly by proximity and association.Ā
I feel like Iām not explaining this very well. Augh. I guess itās like...hmmm. The difference in how one might feel about the abstract idea of a cat and your cat. For the most part other people are flat abstractions; Xiao Xingchen is his and therefore more real.Ā
Xue Yangās love is possessive and destructive and all-consuming, but itās still love. Though I definitely donāt think heād peg that as whatās going on.Ā
I mean. Just. This face.Ā If that aināt some prime heart-eyes, and thereās no one (as far as he knows) who is looking, who sees that face, who heās performing for. And it is the softest (if youāll pardon the word) expression that we ever see Xue Yang make.
(Or this one! Augh. Look, look.)
Thatās love, babey. Itās just not, in the end, very pretty.