Nearly three weeks ago, Sawyer got married to the love of his life, and I was lucky enough to be there. I was also lucky enough to sit at your grave after they got married, even if I just got to talk to you for a little bit. I was mad they eloped instead of letting me plan them a real De Luca style, over the top wedding, but, of course I wouldn’t have missed it for the world...our brother’s wedding. I know Sawyer is technically my cousin, not my brother, but I grew up having a bond with the two of you that feels too strong to just be called a “cousin”. From the day I was born, just a few years after you, you brought a light to my life. I suddenly had someone to look up to. Not to mention the resemblance between us, how in our late teens and up people mistook us for the twins...not you and SJ. We grew up in different countries, with an ocean between us, yet we still couldn’t have been closer. Every summer, every Thanksgiving, ever Christmas and New Years, either I flew to New York or you and Sawyer flew to London. I remember thinking all of the time how lucky I was to have built in best friends, you and Sawyer. We had plenty of late night FaceTime calls, whether we were talking about nothing or everything at all. You were there for me through my first heartbreak, I was there for you during yours. We danced to our favorite songs until the sun came up, making a mess in the kitchen as we claimed to be cooking. We have De Luca blood in our veins, of course we CAN cook, but put is in a room together and we just just goof off. I would do anything for one more sleepover with you, one more late night phone call. One more night where I do your makeup for a date you’re going to go on. It was worth every 8 hour plane - sometimes a few times a month - to be with my best friend, my sister. You were, Amber...you were my sister. I chose to use that label instead.
I remember when you got into Harvard, how I wasn’t surprised at all because you’re the smartest woman I’d ever known. So is your mom, and my father. You would’ve been the absolute best defense attorney in the state of Massachusetts, one of the top DAs in the entire country. The intelligence you and Sawyer share is mind-blowing. We truly have good DNA, don’t we? And speaking of, I will never forget the moment I saw Rosina’s positive pregnancy test. I’ve always been spiritual, you know that. We had long conversations several nights about how everything happens for a reason - and my first thought when I saw that positive test was, Amber did this. That somehow, wherever you are...chilling up there in Heaven listening to the Grease soundtrack, reading a book, and laughing at us. Laughing at us trying to plan our life when everything is already set in stone. You believed in fate, and so do I - but I believe in spiritual influence. I know that if you were here right now, first you would yell at SJ and Ro for naming their daughter after you. Get over it, it’s happening. Amber is truly such a special name, and no one besides your niece is worthy to carry it. I wish you could see how cute Ro’s bump is, how beautiful she looks...she’s glowing. She and Sawyer have been in love since we were kids, and Ro is glowing now that they’re together. I’ve never seen two people so in love. You know what, AJ? I think Rosina saved him. After the car accident, after you died, I had never seen SJ so broken. He didn’t know how to live without you...frankly, none of us did, but he’d lost half of himself. Everything hurt. Oh - and then we found out that Matty, you know Matty, is your half brother. Your mother had him at 16 and gave him up so she could finish her education. I know you and Matty had a special bond, but I wish you could’ve known him as your brother. SJ developed anorexia, and we’ve never been so scared. We thought we were going to lose him, too, AJ...but luckily he got help, he got better. And after he got better, he realized he and Ro were in love. We all already knew that, didn’t we? Jesus, we’ve known they were in love since we were children. You and I always swore he’d end up with her. He swore for twenty five years that he’d never get married because of the number your parents did on him...and now he’s married to Ro. I saw it happen with my own two eyes. We did something right, didn’t we? Showing him that not everyone has to be afraid to love? We needed to get him to open up to the idea of loving again after Tess, and he did. He let Ro in...and now they’re married with their daughter on the way. I felt her kick, AJ. I felt her little kicks...and knowing she’s perfectly healthy in there makes me cry every time. I can’t wait to meet her, to hold her and think about how much she reminds me of you. I miss you. Amber Josephine VanSanten, no one will ever replace you. No one will replace the twenty one years we shared as best friends, the memories we have cannot be remade, and you will always be my best friend in the entire world. I promise to love your niece as if she’s my own. You know I would do it even if you were still here. I promise to spoil her beyond belief. I promise to help her, to make sure she knows she is loved, to help her follow her dreams, whatever they may be. I promise to make sure she knows she is loved exactly how she is. I promise to help Ro and SJ take care of her, guide them through their marriage when they hit bumps. I am going to school to be a counsellor, after all. The point of this entry is, I love you. I miss you, and now your spirit and soul is going to live on through a beautiful baby girl who will be here before we know it. Rest easy, AJ. Know that we love you, and we miss you every day.
(P.S. I know her eyes will probably be brown because SJ and Ro both have brown eyes...but I pray she has your hair - our hair - the De Luca blonde curls, and your smile. That smile that can light up an entire room. I hope she has your laugh, your outlook on life, I hope she’s as adventurous, talented, intelligent as you. And don’t worry, she will be told every day where she gets her good traits from. You.) #DearAmber #Entry001
