love + memories

bits & bobs to make your day a little brighter (or darker)

[naomikingston]

my highly detailed account of taking the abortion pill

day 2 still again...

it’s late and i’m waiting to go pick up my sister. i’m still cramping and a bit nauseous. i still wanna scream, but this is helping me calm down. 

i never mentioned it, but i’m not exactly sure who fathered this thing. it’s one of two guys. my partner or this other guy. my partner and i agreed that we could still see other people, so no i did not cheat. i had actually been seeing this other guy longer. but i fizzled things out with him when he got a bit clingy. 

i think i conceived this one friday night a few weeks ago. i actually know i did. i had gone out with some friends. i was nervous that i was gonna run into this guy at the bars because i was out with some of our mutual friends. i did. i got black out drunk. it was the end of summer semester and i deserved it. the more drunk i got, the more this guy started to talk to me. i wanted to be friendly, but i definitely did not want to sleep with him. 

our groups ended up combining and long story short, a whole group of us ended up at my place. they were smoking weed in my living room, when i got too crossfaded. i left group without telling anyone and went into my bedroom to lay down with my dog. i locked the door behind me and turned out the lights. the rest is fuzzy to be honest. i remember her knocked on the door kind of. i opened it and went to lay down. the next memory i have is him naked, thrusting his dick inside of me. i asked him if he came. he said yes. i asked him if he came inside of me. he said yes again. and then i passed out.

i woke up the next morning, regretful to say the least. and scared because i knew we had sex unprotected. he asked if i needed to take plan b. i shrugged. and that was it. 

the only reason i say i’m unsure is that i had sex with my partner the next night. we didn’t used a condom but he pulled out. 

i never used the word rape because i don’t feel like i was. we’d had sex before and i don’t remember ever saying no. but then again, i don’t remember anything.

[naomikingston]

my highly detailed account of taking the abortion pill

day 2 still...

i left the doctor with some time to kill before i had to pick up my sister from the airport. this whole situation happened to coincide with my sister’s visit from NYC. i had told myself i wouldn't tell her. i didn't want to ruin the trip. she would understand completely, but i just needed to have a few days without thinking about it.

i went to target alone. probably a bad idea considering how much i used to adore walking through the baby clothes there. i avoided that area as much as possible. a sudden urge to pee shot through my body. as i began to dash for the bathroom, i passed by the pharmacy section and decided to pick up another pregnancy test. it was a weird moment of doubt. maybe i had misread the first one. maybe it was a false positive.

so like the trash i am, i paid for the test and made my way to the bathroom. there i proceeded to confirm my pregnancy in the handicap stall of my local target. i started to cry and then to sob. i made sure i was quiet, but i’m sure i scared a few women as i left the store. 

i started to cramp in my car. i was somewhat hopeful that maybe my body just knew that i didn’t want it. that it would miscarry on its own. it felt more natural to me, less of my choice. i visualized blood pouring out of me. i wanted to scream at myself. how did i get here? i was stupid. reckless. i just wanted to move on. but more sore tits and wrenched gut wouldn’t let me forget exactly where i was.

[naomikingston]

my highly detailed account of taking the abortion pill

day 2

neither one of us slept much that night. i wasn’t really emotional. he was more emotional that i was. but i just couldn’t get comfortable. i was hot and he was trying to cuddle. in my darkest and most irritable moment, i had wished i had gone home that night. but i was thankful for his support. we had talked about what we were going to do. i said i was 98% sure i wanted an abortion. he said he’d support whatever i decided. i pushed him for his approval of my decision, but i never really got it.

he had to go to work this morning. i’m writing this the day of. i had another doctor’s appointment this afternoon. completely unrelated. before i left though, i made a few calls. the first to my normal ob/gyn. they congratulated me first. i kind of shivered. they asked when my last period was. when i told them, the estimated i was about 5 weeks. when they said they’d schedule my first ultrasound in 2 weeks, i panicked a bit. i asked if i could come in earlier so i could talk about my options. the receptionist was confused. i told her i was thinking about terminating my pregnancy. she said we don’t do those here.

she gave me a number of a clinic to call. i made an appointment for 3 days later. that receptionist went through about a 100 questions. date of birth, date of last period, height, weight, race, insurance. my insurance didn’t cover the pill at all and she said she would have to verify about the surgical abortion. the surgical abortion scared me, so i said it was fine. then she said she was required by law to read this script to me. something about a women’s right to know. i didn’t pay much attention to it. just that i shouldn’t be coerced into having an abortion. i wasn’t. she also ran over the list of possible complications. they sounded scary, but not scarier than raising a child.

she ended the call with a list of instructions that i hurried to copy down. no food, water or gum after midnight. bring a jacket, it’s cold in here. you and your partner need an id to get in the building, no cell phones, no purses or big bags, no makeup or jewelry or deodorant or perfume, no AmEx, cash or card. 

a few hours later...

i got to my doctor’s appointment. i was surprisingly chipper for the morning i had. i blamed it on the coffee. it was a psychiatry appointment to be specific. she was refilling some of my prescriptions. we went over basic mood questions and lifestyle ones too. i was used to it by now. towards the end of our appointment, she said so there’s a note in your file about a pregnancy?

i was taken off guard. i had that kind of insurance where all of my doctors were tied together and usually in one building. kaiser permanente. 

i explained it to her. she was sweet. one of the only people that had smiled or sounded understanding through this whole ordeal. she asked me how i felt and reassured me that it was my decision. i nodded and thanked her. and that was it. she refilled my adderall and sent me on my way.

[naomikingston]

my highly detailed account of taking the abortion pill

day 1

it’s been almost 24 hours since i got my first positive result on a pregnancy test. i had bought countless of them before. i am 22 and in college, so i’ve had my fair share of scares before. none of them turned out like this ever.

i was at my partner’s house. i say partner because we had been dating a few months and decided that because we live ~4 hours away from each other, it’d be best to keep things casual until i graduate college and move back to the city. he was sweet though and everything i wanted in a boyfriend. 

anyways, we had gone rock climbing that evening and then to a restaurant where i had downed a 22 oz beer and some nachos (unbeknownst to me pregnancy cravings). my period was a few days late. i told him that because he asked. i was complaining about how bloated i was and him being a worrier, asked if i was getting my period. i said yeah i think, but i’m a little late.

i honestly wasn’t that worried. i had been late before and had some slip ups on the birth control and gotten my period that month. at that dinner though, i suggested that we run by the CVS and grab a test, just to be sure. it was mostly just to make him feel better.

i was a bit tipsy, honestly. we got home and i ran into his bathroom while he stayed downstairs to talk to his roommate. i peed on it and before i could even flush, two blue lines showed up.

i was shocked. it was the first time in my whole life that i just froze. i couldn’t cry or blink or even put my hand up to my gaping mouth. i stood there a few more seconds as a few tears started to well up in my eyes. my partner walked in the bathroom and i showed him the test. in typical male vernacular he said what does that mean? 

read it.

i wasn’t that nice.

i cried for maybe a minute. he held onto me and we embraced on the bathroom floor. it was surreal to say the least. i held onto my stomach, like somehow i could feel this little thing living inside of me.

[naomikingston]

i didn’t have

the chance to have an abortion. by the time i got home from camping, i miscarried. my doctor called it a chemical pregnancy. he said i probably wouldn’t have even known i was pregnant unless i had taken a test early enough.

i called him crying. he told me to come over. we got in his bed. he hugged me and held me and cried. i sobbed harder. he told me it wasn’t my fault. he said i was beautiful. i could feel my soul begin to unravel. we fell asleep next to each other and only woke when he had to work.

that was the last time i saw him.

[naomikingston]

i waited a week

until i called him. i spent everyday since monday crying or screaming. my best friend had planned a camping trip for us and some other friends that weekend. it was the only reason i hadn’t killed myself. that and this parasite inside me. under the guise of needing to get my camera back and wanting to return his things, he made a plan to come over friday morning after he got off work. it as 7 am. the air was foggy and cold. it was a quick exchange. he didn’t even get out of his truck. i slammed my bedroom door behind me. i was angry i let him slip away without telling him. my fingers trembled as i dialed his number.

‘come back now?’ he asked. he complained he was tired and that he just needed to sleep. i told him i couldn’t keep this in all weekend. he needed to know now. he knelt beside my bed, not wanting to get in with his dirty scrubs. i couldn't look him in the eye. ‘i’m pregnant’ and then the room went silent. he just kept apologizing. like he did it to me. like he had hurt me, not by lying or breaking up with me, but by giving me a baby neither one of us wanted.

he hugged me and held me tight. he begged me to call him if i needed anything. i told him i was going to have an abortion. he didn’t agree or disagree, just kind of shrugged.

[naomikingston]

i texted him

on monday. i told him i was coming to his house after my class. he didn’t reply.

his roommate let me in. i opened his bedroom door. all the lights were out. the blackout curtains over his windows made it look like it was 2 am. i called out to him. he moaned. 

he wondered why i showed up. i told him it was’t cool to ignore me. we sat there for hours going back and forth, me trying to work up the courage to tell him i was pregnant. he finally broke and told me he wasn’t happy. he broke up with me. 

i was stuck. i couldn’t move. it didn’t matter that he was screaming at me to ‘get the fuck out’. through my tears, i yelled back. we both cried until he called me crazy. i threw my shoes on and walked out.

[naomikingston]

i was pregnant

i found out on a sunday. it had been 2 days since he had replied to any of the 13 texts i sent him. he had worked friday night. slept all day saturday. here i was, alone, looking at a faint plus sign on a stick. i called him. he didn’t answer. i spent all day worrying, wondering.

[naomikingston]

we stopped

having sex towards the middle of february. it was kind of shocking since that was the one thing we had that was always perfect. our bodies felt made for each other. i don’t know.

[naomikingston]

we got wasted

one night at a bar in our little college town. he disappeared at there. he was outside, puking. i told him we should probably leave. he wanted to drive. i yelled at him to give me his keys. he yelled back. i cried and he walked away. he told me to get a ride home. the rest is sort of fuzzy. we worked things out. i drove him and his truck home. we got in his bed and he sobbed. by sobbing, i mean inconsolably scream-crying. he said he was cold hearted. that he was a bad person. and how could i love him? i didn’t know the answer. i just knew that i did. he never said he loved me back. never.

[naomikingston]

i never felt safe

with him. not even when my friends would reassure me. he worked night shifts and would sleep all day the next day. when he wasn't working, he was playing shows at bars on the weekends. so i was lucky if i saw him 3 times a week. most of that time was spent sleeping next to each other in bed. i would stay up all night just so i could sleep next to him when he got off work. i gave up everything for him. i wasn’t even me anymore.

[naomikingston]

we got back together

on his birthday of all days. i sat in his truck with him in the driveway of my childhood home. it was for sale so it was basically empty. he held my hand. he told me i looked better. i felt better. but i was scared i was only feeling better because he still wanted me. he still cared. he hugged me goodbye. we took things slow. i cried the next time we had sex. he held me and told me i was beautiful.

[naomikingston]

it’s been a long time

since i’ve written on here. christmas 2016: i spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital. i had a new boyfriend. i was still sad. he almost drove me to suicide. i can’t blame him though. who would want to deal with my mess? i don’t even want to deal with it. 

i got wasted after we fought. i told everyone i took a bunch of pills. my roommate rushed me to the ER. that’s where he worked. i ‘embarrassed’ him. that’s what he told me the next day. he said he couldn’t look at me. he told me to get out. i left and went home. my parent’s house. we didn’t talk for 3 weeks.

[naomikingston]

it’s crazy the way

a song can bring you back to a specific moment.

[naomikingston]

it’s late

and i’m listening to our old songs on spotify. i can’t but think of you again and how much you’re not thinking of me. today i was thinking of how you held me back in february. it was the same way you held me 2 and half years ago. it was safe. your arm wrapped underneath me, resting under my cheek. the other was pressed around my waist. was this the way you held every girl? or was it just me? 

it’s true and the truth hurts. i wish i had held on a little more in that moment. i wish i wasn’t so drunk so that i could remember more. i want to send you these words, but it wouldn’t matter much to you. 

are you listening? to that new girl. i remember you telling me in bed about a girl from your past. how the timing was just never right. i wonder if you say the same things now about me. your words are probably less eloquent. you wouldn’t paint me as a princess. i was the slut. i threw myself at you. and you stood on the sideline, watching me fall into the mud. but then you’re the reason i’m not quite as pretty now, right? i’m dirty. flawed.

[naomikingston]

ink

he doesn’t breathe. he smokes. he doesn’t like when i say i miss you, because he’s trying so hard not to. he will never make me his because he knows i don’t belong to anyone. i am a ghost with only one life left to live and i’ve wasted it all on him. my mouth sweats. i reach for him and fall out of this cloud i’ve been living in. he wants rough sex. not love. he wants me to leave in the morning before day breaks. but i just want to break him. why was i never enough? like he needed something longer, sweeter, better.

[naomikingston]

i feel him everywhere.

but it’s getting better. i told him off, nicely. politely i guess. he had dm’ed a good friend of mine like a real douchebag and was trying to see him. she told me immediately. it took me almost a month to say anything about it to him. when i did, he made me feel stupid. he replied with a short she’s hot. i told him off. he sucked.