idk if it's okay to ask here (lmk if it isnt and u prefer it being a comment on ao3) but I just read Call it pleasure and I do have some questions... but first of all it was rll rll good I don't often read nsfw but I was rll curious abt ur interp of them
okay questions :] What Vanilla wants is for basil and flora to fully understand what she wants and how she wants to be loved (in bed and in general) but she's too scared to share? is it also that she wants her bond with both of them to be deeper... is the fact that they are both closer to eachother than to her uncomfortable but not enough to maker break off the relationship ? I imagine she really does love them but like does it hurt her a lot to be with them . like even if she wasn't rll self deprecating would she still be hurt by her not being able to catch up
u can do whatever u want foreevr
vanilla wants basil and flora to love her, but she knows [thinks] that if they really knew her, they wouldn't be able to love her. subconsciously, yeah, she wants them to know her, but she doesn't let that get far enough into her conscious mind to ever even think of asking them for certain things -- like bottoming. she's scared, yeah. specifically scared of them knowing & understanding her
with the two of them, vanilla always keeps a certain degree of control -- she refuses to let herself entirely relax around them [though, this is true of everything she does. it's only when it's late and she's alone that she lets herself unwind. which is also uncomfortable and sucks so she avoids that too].
she DOES want her bond with them to be deeper, but like. she's in this weirdbad spot where she wants to be closer but refuses to actually give them anything to work with. for fear of scaring them off.
it's not uncomfortable, per say? she LIKES that they're in love. she loves watching them be in love. on the average day, she loves it. usually the two of them are all over each other and she watches with a warm heart and a smile on her lips. she's a little jealous, yeah, but they love her, too, so it's easy to squeeze herself in and get her own kiss and love and care. the difference in this fic is that it's during sex. her head's a little fuzzy, she's bare and open, and she can't stop herself from feeling terrible -- terrible is her base emotion, and she just used up all her dopamine.
addendum to above; you'll notice that she's fine after the first fake orgasm. she's bad after getting called "good," but that's been explained. the next two times she feels strange about basil and flora being in love are after she's orgasmed. this was on purpose- this is a character study, but it's a character study on this character during sex. she isn't like this, generally. like, this HAD to be porn, it would have gone very differently if it was anything else
she loves them soooo much, but there's some serious... thought? i guess? that goes into interacting with them. she's always trying to make sure her love goes towards them equally, while also feeling that she'll never be able to love them the way they love each other. and they can't love her the way they love each other either. when she thinks about it logically, it's fine, but people aren't logical, they're emotional. yeah. it hurts. but the way they make her feel is so much better than that, so it works as a salve. she'd prefer how happy they make her to being without them.
she DOES want to catch up. she doesn't know how. and she's decided to blame herself for it. and she's right, because she nudges them away if they get too close.
