I know this isn’t easy for you! God knows it isn’t for me. It is hard to sit down and face the blank screen, to stare at a brand new document. To face a page not yet written is maybe the hardest thing any writer ever has to do. A white piece of paper holds so many possibilities. So many words unsaid, so many thoughts not existing. Because they don’t exist until you write them down. Thoughts are fleeting and flying by in the blink of an eye, they refuse to be caught, they cannot be lured in by determination and stubbornness. But once they are put into words, written down, imprinted on the clear surface of a blank page, they come into existence, they become real. They need to be dealt with.
But I needed to write this letter. I needed to let you know that you are going to be okay! Everything will turn out right! Because I know you doubt that, I have seen it in your eyes, the faint flicker of disbelief that shines through whenever you look at yourself or stare at your hands. You have lost your way my darling! You have forgotten who you are. You look at yourself and all you can see is a promise fading away. A promise you once made to yourself, that you would be fine, that you would be strong and graceful. You promised yourself some time ago, that you wouldn’t forget. That you wouldn’t doubt. But life has caught up with you, hasn’t it? I can see it, you know. Every time you look at yourself, you see what you dislike. You focus on what you hate. When people try to touch you, you draw back, you don’t like it. You have lost touch with the person you once wanted to be. I will not pretend to know who that person was. Or to know who you are. I don’t. And you don’t. I will not pretend to hold all the answers, to have figured it all out. I don’t. I can’t. I am only human, and so are you. You have forgotten to be humble and truly grateful. Instead you are scared and insecure. But you know what? You are not alone in this! There is not much I really know to be true. But I do know that life is hard - for every single one of us. It doesn’t stop, it doesn’t consider us and our needs or wishes.
Life just happens. And it happens to all of us. Maybe you know that, but you’re not able to believe it. Let me tell you something: We all struggle. Everyone you meet fights a battle, lives a life equal to yours and yet nothing like yours, because you are unique. You are special. And you are not perfect. And I am here to tell you that that’s okay. It’s going to be alright. You are so young. You are just nineteen, why do you expect to know everything? Why do you think you have to figure it all out at once? The battles we fight will define who we are and most of the time we don’t get a say in the picking process. When life turns a difficult path all you can do is follow. You are simply not able to decide where this world takes you, so why do you try so hard? Why do you waste all your energy on things you cannot and will never be able to stop from happening? Darling, it’s okay to be scared! It is however not acceptable to break down, be paralyzed by fear and lose your way of living. Because you are better than that! Believe me, you are not destined to repeat the mistakes your parents made. You will not face the same problems. You will not live through the same nightmares as the ones before you did. You will have your own; you will struggle to make it. You will fall. Not just once. But why do you doubt your abilities? You have always gotten back up again! Always.
You may be lost right now, but you will find your way. I could see it in your eyes, when you sat down in front of me in that small coffee shop. You looked scared or maybe just nervous and kept rolling the sleeves of your knitted sweater back up and tussled your hair every two seconds, but you never blinked. You kept looking me right in the eye and took a deep breath each time before you spoke. You might have been nervous, but you weren’t afraid. And in that moment I could tell that you would make it. You are one of the few who look at the world around them and try. Try really really hard to figure it out. To not just observe, but to understand. You let life pass you by, but never unnoticed. You look at people, you look them in the eye and try to understand. You took a few seconds to look at the sun that started to shine into the narrow street outside and through the stained windows and I could tell you were not just enjoying the light. You really tried to take it all in, to remind yourself how beautiful this world is, how perfect every day can be. Then you took your right hand into your left, looked up again and said: “Let me be the one who tells this story!”
And in that moment, I believed you would. I believed you would live to tell an extraordinary story of an ordinary life.
titsay
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