Narithable

[narithable]

BDay Assesments

I don’t make New Years resolutions. I make Birthday assessments. It’s basically the same thing but on My personal new year.  This year I've got a lot to look back on and assess. What has made me happy what has made me unhappy, what stresses me out, what calms me down, who are people I wanna be around, who are people I need to cut loose. What can I do to be healthier. What can I do to be happier.  and from there I need to figure out how to go about affecting change and making my life better.  This is going to be a process. 

[narithable]

New Potheads

IDK why but it dries me absolutely apeshit when I run across one of these medical marijuana ‘potheads’. Now I use MMJ for my Fibro. I am ALL, 100% for medical and recreational use. I think you should be able to grow it like carrots in your backyard with tie-dye scarecrows.  What I can’t stand are these middle-aged straight laced new potheads that giggle “Can you believe *I* am smoking pot?” like some tween in the girls bathroom. It’s fucking medicine Karen! You don’t sit there and giggle about taking your Xanax! Do you act like the cool kid at school who is so alt and different because you take aspirin? Do you act like you’re doing something wild and crazy when you take your blood pressure meds? NO! You fucking don’t! You take them and you go on with life like a sane person. MMJ is no different. It doesn't make you a rebel, you doesn't make you wild, this aint highschool, and it doesn't make you cool. Take your MECINE and grow the fuck up please.  Also on this subject, these ‘Marijuana Experts’ send me into an almost uncontrollable rage too. Ok Tom, let me get this straight last year you hadn't smoked pot since 10th grade when you were peer pressured into it by your buddies behind the busses. Now because you got your medical card you’ve turned into the worlds leading authority on everything marijuana relate and it is your new Life. And now you’re going to spend every single moment together talking at me about your new found passion and trying to get me to hop on board your rainbow colored bandwagon and turn it into my life’s everything. Hmmmm... ok why cant I just smoke this nice little Indica I found that works for me? Why do I have to know about Every different plant, why do I have to learn gourmet recipes for pot infused food, why do I need to know the history of the strain, why does using MMJ have to be my lifestyle, Why on earth can’t we talk about ANYthing else and why are you pressuring me?! I get MMJ users, it helps better than most things, not addictive, no nasty organ damaging or permeant brain altering side effect.  I get those that want to educate. It dose have a lot of uses and benefits. We should talk about it and legalize (Federally)it for those it can help.  I get oldschool potheads that just like to light up, kick back on the couch, laugh and feel good.  What I can’t stand I guess are these fucking new MMJ users that think they've stumbled onto something cool that’ll make them look cool and instead of going about it or looking at it like an adult try to become the popular kid in highschool and relate to people because they don’t have anything else going and are desperate for some kind of attention.  Just be a fucking adult about it. Realize it’s no different than taking any other mediation or if you’re purely recreational, having a few beers. And for the love of God stop trying to get others to fall down your rabbit hole! let them live and smoke how they see fit. 

[narithable]

Change

I decided to change things up, so I chopped off all my hair, dyed it fuchsia, and while it was a shock for everyone (even me) I feel better. I did something bold which I always wanted to and its Sooooo much easier to care for & style. Plus it works with my thin hair. I don’t look like I’m balding anymore. And I’m gonna save a fortune on hair products lol  Never under estimate the power of hair. 

[narithable]

PTSD 2020

Part of my trauma that led to PTSD was isolation. I lived in the country away from other people, my ex made sure I had no transportation, I didn’t go anywhere without him, I never got to see my people, I never really got to be a part of the world. He even told me he didn’t want me working so I couldn't even socialize at a job. I sat all day alone in the woods counting down the hours til he’d come home to yell or belittle me just so I could hear the sound of another human voice.  After Finally getting up the courage to divorce him, it took some effort to relearn how to be social and a lot of work to get over the fear and anxiety. But I made great progress. until ... Enter 2020. Self isolate, don’t go out in public, stand 6ft apart, don’t shake hands don’t hug, don’t touch anyone, avoid groups, avoid friends, stay away from family, don’t even see people while shopping for groceries buy online and arrange contactless pick up,  stay at home. Socializing is dangerous!  Yeah, I got triggered.  I’m realizing now just how far that pushed me back. I started getting into that mindset again. Wait for the husband to get home to hear a voice. Don’t leave. Sit there in your cave, your safe little prison. People are scary. Anxiety and depression started to set in, Hard.  I’m vaccinated now, the world has reopened, I’m almost mobile again (unrelated car issues), and life is returning to normal, but I’m not back to normal yet. So much was brought back, there’s so much work to do now. And I don’t even know where to start... 

[narithable]

Finding Myself

At 35 years old (soon to be 36) I find myself yet again finding myself.  Being me was never easy. I was somehow always wrong as a child. It took me Years to learn that I really wasn’t. I just had the misfortune of an intensely broken family and living in a school district that was firmly stuck in the 50s. Not the cool clothes and fast cars type, more the white hoods, what are you a faggot, I didn’t come from no monkey type. Basically take everything negative you’ve ever heard about the south or education system roll it into a ball add a dash of pedophilia and some meth and you’re there. From there I instantly got engaged and married to the worlds biggest narcist (barely beating my mother to the crown) who proceeded to abuse, isolate, and degrade me the next 11 years.  Needless to say i was in my 30s before I had any kind of chance to really discover myself, get my life going, heal, express myself, and experience any type of happiness.  I’ve made amazing progress; got married to a genuinely good man, bought a house in a wonderful surprisingly openminded small town, started working on my PTSD, made friends, got rid of toxic people, etc.  It’s been hard though. Dealing with trauma aint easy. It still affects me. I developed fibromyalgia so now I’m very limited. My husband also has PTSD and it’s been difficult to try to recover and not let our demons play together. I lost my rock, my Dad to a drunk driver. there have been a lot of stresses and adjusting. 2020 was a hard year for the world too.  I’ve spent so much time just trying to get everything settled, to work with everything, to fix things, to start over, to make life work that I’ve kinda gotten a little lost again.  I don’t want to spend my next 35years just trying to get by or make things work. I need to discover myself, my joy, my freedom. I need to get InTouch with me and finally really establish that long missing since of self. 

[narithable]

Naritha Farwen

If that sounds like a made up name, that's cuz it is. I used a fantasy name generator to come up with something no one would ever attach to the real me. Why? Well, you see I am an elder millennial, meaning I remember the early days of the world wide web. Those were different times, the age of dialup and of anonymity. I don’t miss the dialup and waiting hours to download everything sucked, but the unknown was kinda nice. Now it seems everyone’s grandma is social networking and sticking their noise into Everyone’s business. In the old days we didn’t have to worry about Uncle Bob’s political opinions. We suffered through that awkward family dinner once or twice a year and lived our lives in blissful nonBobness the rest of the time. No one had to be friends with their boss or that family friend that you have to be nice to even though the thought of them makes you cringe. You didn’t have to watch your langue or omit anything to keep the peace in your RL circles.  Honestly, I could go on for hours about all the annoying and obnoxious crap you didn’t have to deal with and how freeing being able to be whatever kind of broken freaky weirdo nerd you wanted to be was. And trust me, it was Beautiful! But I’ll not take up that much time.  What I will say is I’ve had my fill of the FaceSpace and MyBook type “communities”, I want that freedom I fond as a teen, that ability to be myself without hesitation or fear of repercussions, I Need a place to address the world as my true self, whether the world pays attention or not, and if by my real name or something from a pretty crappy generator.