You'll find a lot of One Direction here and if you haven't already guessed my username I kinda, maybe am obsessed with Narry. Feel free to message me (I'm a nice person I swear) if you want to talk!
Summery: Josh has always wanted to work with people with mental health issues ever since his grandma had been diagnosed with Dementia when he had been younger. But now as he enters the bizarre world of Betwixt and Between Psychiatric Hospital he realises he may have signed up for more than he bargained for…
This may be triggering for some people! Mentions of self-harm, eating disorder and mental health issues! Please do not read if this affects you in any way!
Urm hi…. *nervously waves* So it’s been a while… But finally I’ve finished this monster. It’s taken me ages to get to written out and while I knew how I wanted to end it, it just never felt right how I’d written it.
Anyway, I’ve also got a favour to ask… I wanted to add a few extras to this story, such as individual insights into the boy’s lives before they were admitted or snippets of their time on the ward before Josh arrived. So it would really help me if people could let me know what they’d be interested in reading.
Endure: "To suffer something painful or difficult patiently or remain in existence; to last"
"Joshua make sure to always chase your dreams won't you?"
"Of course I will Gran, but don't talk like that now, you're going to be fine"
"And you make sure that you buy that drum kit you've had your eyes on won’t you? I've left you plenty of money for it so I don't want you wasting it frivolously you hear?"
"Go course Gran. But what have I told you, you mustn't talk like that. You'll be out of here in no time, You'll see"
"I'd like to believe you Joshua - you know I would. But I'm old now, and no one lives forever, nothing lasts forever. You know I love you, and I hope you'll be happy. But I'd like to sleep now, yes a little nap sounds nice right now. I'll see you later Joshua..."
"Come on Gran, don't go to sleep now. The doctor will be here in a moment, you've got to stay awake... Gran? Gran? Gran, this isn't funny... Gran? No. No, doctor! Please someone! Doctor!"
-X-
There's a buzzing echoing through the ward as soon as Josh steps onto it. He already knows that today is going to be a long day - something in the air just gives him the feeling and he can't quite place his finger on it for the life of him.
But the answer comes to him as soon as he shrugs of his coat in a blur of colour shooting towards him smacking straight into his chest and knocking him back against the door.
"Louis!" He shouts in shock, already knowing who had run into him, there was only one person who had both the nerve and love for causing such chaos so early.
"Good morning Joshua, how art thou upon this fine morning. Tis a nice morning, tis a perfect morning" Louis recites to him hanging his arms around his waist grinning mischievously up at him.
He sighs tried dragging a hand through his hair, and glances up to find Liam trotting towards them with a blanket in hand. He smiles to Josh, offers a warm greeting, and then reaches out for Louis wrapping his arms around his waist to pry him off Josh. Louis falls away like a limp rag doll and coils around Liam instead.
The two of them have become oddly close since Niall had come back over four months ago. They were almost as inseparable as Niall and Harry, and Liam would follow Louis around fixing the chaos he caused and cooling his temper tantrums.
It was funny how quickly they had bonded and found a reasonable middle ground between them. Liam who was usually quick to move out of the chestnut haired boy’s way, and Louis who didn't tolerate anyone's company unless he specifically went looking for it. Although no one was going to complain when it was now Liam who would simply reach out and pull Louis away to calm him down. In fact they encouraged the friendship wholeheartedly.
Liam himself was doing much better too. He was now allowed to visit home at the weekends and stay over Saturday nights, spending lazy Sunday mornings and afternoon there too. It had increased Liam's positively immensely, and the boy was now much more inclined to study; much to Jon’s delight.
His parents had been thrilled with the development. They had taken the news with smiles and floods of tears all round. Josh had been lucky enough to accompany Paul when he had taken Liam home last weekend and had seen the sight for himself. Liam had grinned as his mother grabbed a hold of him, whisking him up into a mothering hug, squashing him against her.
The family had left Liam’s room the way it had been when he had left, even the Toy Story bed covers were the same apparently. Liam had been overjoyed at the sight of his room looking the same as it had been the night he'd left it. Everything neatly in place and untouched.
“Of course I made sure to come in and give the place a good dusting down every now and then” his mother had said through yet another round of tears.
Josh had spied a picture sitting innocently on Liam’s cluttered desk in the corner decorated by a thick wooden frame. It had caught his eye when he’d been given the grand tour of the house by Liam as they checked to make sure that everything was in order.
There were two boys in the frame, both wearing matching grins. He could tell Liam straight away, the boy with the sparkly brown eyes and long hair which had been styled into a slick looking side fringe. He was fairly skinny in the picture, which was strange to look at considering Liam was ridiculously well built now.
But it was the other boy who caught his attention - naturally he didn’t recognise him at all. However he must have been someone important to Liam seeing as soon as Liam had noticed him looking at the frame he had waltzed over with a soft smile.
“That's Andy” he explained smiling down at the photo.
Josh blinked back at him and picked the frame up carefully handling it, watching for Liam's reaction. He didn't want to upset the boy by touching things that he shouldn't. Andy looked just as happy as Liam in the picture, one arm wrapped around the other boys shoulder and a cheeky grin playing on his lips. The photo looked as though it had been taken in a wooded area he guessed from the hoard of trees surrounding them.
“He a friend of yours?” Josh asked tilting the frame to Liam.
“Yeah… He's, he's not here anymore” Liam replied trailing his eyes away from the smiling faces.
Quickly Josh had placed it back down, being careful not to damage it. It seemed like a pretty touchy subject; and not one that Josh wanted to delve into in case it set Liam off.
Paul had cleared everything up with Liam's parents, making sure that they were aware of certain subjects that were not to be brought up around the boy. He'd also had to make sure that any sharp objects were hidden away and not in plain sight. They'd even had to sign a stack of papers which covered the hospital for if anything happened while Liam was in his parents care.
But once that had all been sorted out they’d just been happy to have Liam back with them again. Josh had never seen anyone cry as much as Karen Payne had the first time they’d dropped Liam back home. In fact he was pretty sure she’d been crying before they’d open the front door!
Poor Liam hadn’t known what to do at first – he just stood there awkwardly as she embraced him sobbing into his broad shoulder.
He smiles at the memory and takes a step back from the dresser.
“Well then” he says turning back to Liam. “You got everything you need?”
“Yeah I think so” Liam replies glancing about the room to double check.
“Alright then!” Josh says clapping his hands together with a quick smile. “I’d better be off then”
Liam gives a short laugh watching the energetic man in front of him. He’s used to being without their help somewhat – his mother makes up for the lack of presence by fussing over him every second that he’s with them. So he’s always got someone to help him out with anything he needs.
“I’ll urm, come see you off then” the younger lad says offering his own attempt at a grin in return.
Paul’s waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs staring up at them with an unimpressed look. Josh knows for sure that he’s not happy with how long it took them to take Liam’s minute amount of luggage up, but Josh hadn’t been up to Liam’s room before and so he’d wanted to get a good look at where the boy was now spending his weekends.
“Took you long enough didn’t it?” Paul gruffly asks when they make it down.
“Ah, yeah… Sorry, Liam was giving me the grand tour” Josh says grinning at a spluttering Liam.
“I-I wasn’t!”
“Don’t worry Liam. I know what this slackers like. Honestly, you guys! As soon as you step off of the ward you all start slacking off” the older man complains with a roll of his eyes.
There's a round of laughter from Liam’s family at the words as Josh rubs the back of neck. He’s not about to deny the truth – although that doesn’t mean he’s above blaming Sandy.
“Well we’ll be back Sunday evening for you Liam” Paul announces with a soft smile. “Make the most of your freedom – God knows the rest of them would kill to be in your shoes I’m sure”
Liam laughs at this, shuffling from foot to foot as he glances at the floor.
“I don’t know… Louis seems to like messing with you guys too much. I think he’d get bored if he was here”
Josh grins a little at the retort. Since Liam had stated coming home again, he’d slowly started to gain confidence when he spoke to people. Only last week he’d made a flippant joking comment to Jon over something they’d been working on. Of course Jon had looked back at him bewildered until Liam had nervously asked if he’d said something wrong.
It was definitely a step in the right direction for the lad Josh thought to himself as they waved to the Payne family from the car.
“I’d say things are going pretty well with Liam wouldn’t you?” Josh says as Paul pulls out of the driveway.
“Yeah I guess so. As long as he can keep his depression under control and try and not let things build up to much. I’m really happy for him though – he’s made amazing progress”
“I guess all that stuff with Niall put things into perspective”
“Maybe. Although I think it might be down to Jon a little bit too. He’s the one who suggested the idea about seeing his family after all. If it hadn't been for him pushing the idea so much it might have never have gone through”
Josh grins to himself as he watches the scenery whirl past them.
Thinking back on it now Josh couldn’t help but smile again as he watches Louis and Liam playfully bicker in front of him. He sighed watching as Liam took the higher ground by simply agreeing with Louis for the sake of ending the spat.
Maybe one day the boy might even be able to go home permanently…
-X-
Zayn’s sat scrawling a pencil across a blank page in his new notebook. It had been a gift from his older sister from the last time she had visited and Zayn intended to put it good use. He’d promised a portrait of her and their younger sisters in exchange for the gift and so he’d made a start as soon as the visit had ended.
It had been a month since he’d spoken to Paul about her visiting him. Apparently she’d made contact with the hospital and has asked to see him. Naturally the news had been shocking and for a while Zayn had wondered whether it was even a good idea to see her since it had been so long.
But apparently she’d left home recently after finding out the truth of what had really happened to him and why he’d mysteriously upped and left during the night.
She’d told him everything that had happened after he’d left. About how his parents had covered up the truth and had said that he’d been shipped off to study abroad in a high end boarding school.
In all honesty it hadn’t surprised him – if anything he’d expected them to lie to his family and friends about where he was.
What had worried him most was how his sisters had been coping under their parent’s tyrant rule. After all it hadn't been hard for him to fall into bad habits and so he’d often wondered how they had been coping throughout the ordeal.
Thankfully she’d cleared that up for him too explaining that both of their younger siblings were well. Their grades were good and both had a promising future ahead of them. Apparently after Zayn’s disappearance his parents must have had a change of heart because suddenly his siblings had been allowed more freedom and their schedules were cut in half, leaving more time to do as pleased. Clearly his failure to yield results had made them think twice about applying so much pressure onto their children – and that was something Zayn could only be glad for in the end.
Of course his sister had also told his younger siblings the truth about where he really was and apparently they were just as desperate to come and see him.
The thought had made him smile at the time – to the point where he’d almost cried openly. But then his mind had strayed to the consequences it might bring them if his parents were to find out about them seeing him. No doubt they wouldn’t agree to such a thing, and would quickly put a stop to future visits.
But to his surprise he’d found that his older sister still saw them frequently, and she’d offered to bring them in secret whenever they stayed over in her and her new husband’s house.
At that he couldn’t hold the tears back and had sat sobbing into her shoulder for the rest of the visit thanking her repeatedly.
Since that first visit she had been to see him every weekend since, the last two times bringing his younger sisters to see him.
They’d both dived at him upon spotting his figure slouched in one of the waiting rooms flanked by Dan and Sandy. He'd barely had time to turn at the sound of his name before they'd both had their arms wrapped around his slim waist crying. Both of them had grown since he'd since them last, they were far taller than he remembered and even more beautiful. He couldn't hold back the smile that was fighting its way to his face, and despite the fact that they had been both crying it was a tender moment, one that he wouldn't forget.
He'd been able to spend the whole day with them in the end, pouring over the photos from his eldest sister’s wedding and talking about how well his two younger sisters were getting on at school. Of course they were also curious about how his treatment was going and when he might be able to leave.
It had been hard to explain the situation to them without sounding too negative. But as far as he could tell they had seemed to take it well. They understood that it wasn't a simple fix – and that it could be a long time before he was even close to progress.
Naturally they'd encouraged him to do his best and promised to write whenever they could.
All in all the visit had been a good one and he couldn't wait to see them again. This time round hopefully wouldn't be as teary as the last two.
He'd been trying to make a genuine effort to eat ever since the first visit too. After a long and very open conversation with Lou he'd asked if he might be able to start having small snacks throughout the day. Of course it hadn't been easy and some days he didn't even bother – but on the days he did manage it he couldn't stop smiling. Every mouthful seemed like one more step towards freedom on the good days, despite the occasional after guilt.
Having said that there were still the days when he just couldn't face eating at all. No one had ever said it would be plain sailing and Zayn was well aware that there would more than likely always be days like that.
But with the promise of an open room at his older sister’s place if he ever did get out he'd simply try again the next day and pull himself out of the slump.
The thought of moving in with his sister made him smile as he added another layer of shading to her hair in the picture. It was coming along nicely and he liked the simply black and white way he'd drawn it.
Originally she'd asked for him to include himself as well, but somehow he felt like he couldn't bring himself to include a self-portrait into the mix. He knew for sure he'd never be happy with it if he tried. The way he viewed himself right now was too harsh and no matter how many time he redrew it he knew deep down he'd never feel like it was right.
She'd be nothing but understanding towards him and had waved it off saying to just draw the three of them – and that was something he felt like he could do.
The sound if soft footfalls makes him pause in his work. He expects to see Jon standing there when he glances up, and so to see Louis’s figure lurking in the doorway is a little surprising
As far as he'd been aware everyone else was out right now. Liam had gone back home for the weekend, and both Harry and Niall were out in the gardens with Sandy enjoying the sun. It seems he'd somehow forgotten about Louis.
The older boy doesn't say anything though, instead he stands watching from the doorway as Zayn stares back raising an eyebrow as though silently questioning his presence.
“What?” He asks noting the way Louis draws back a little suddenly looking as though he might flee.
“Nothing” the shorter lad replies glancing about the room and genuinely trying to give off an aloof vibe. “I’m just… Bored”
Zayn internally sighs in annoyance. Louis had been clinging to Liam ever since Niall had returned – and although everyone now seemed closer where Louis was concerned, Zayn had still felt the need to keep his distance.
Louis was, and always would be, unpredictable. It didn't take much for him to go through a 360 personality switch, and that was something that always worried Zayn. There was no way he wanted to risk being on the other end of a vengeful Louis in all his angry, and downright sinister glory.
Yet Liam suddenly didn't have a problem despite the many times that Louis had rather openly declared that he was going to kill, maim, strangle or cause any other form of bodily harm to him. He now would spend most of the week trotting around after the impish boy picking up his mess and soothing his tantrums.
In Zayn's opinion it wasn't worth the effort. If Louis was going to kick off he would do so without consideration for those around him.
“And you want me to do what about this?” He retorts boldly, fixing a narrowed look on the shorter boy.
“Was just wondering what you were up too…” Comes the sulky reply. “No need to sound so suspicious”
There's always a reason to be suspicious when it comes to Louis. Even now none of their carers on the ward let their guard down around the chestnut haired boy – so why should he? Louis gave them nothing but reason to suspect any nice/calm behaviour in the past. This little lapse of calm was no different.
“I'm drawing” he answers going back to his sketch book.
“Hmm… What're you drawing?”
“A picture”
“Of?”
He feels his eyebrow twitch in annoyance. Just how long was Louis going to play this game? Why hadn't he grown bored of him yet?
“It's for my sisters”
“Oh! Can I draw them something too?”
He lifts his head to stare back at him again suddenly noting the air of interest and the way he looks a lot more like his usual animated self. It's a bad sign he can only tell himself.
“Urm…”
“Please?! I won't get in your way, I'll draw it at the coffee table” Louis bargains.
Zayn guesses that can't hurt, he won't be under his feet if he sits at the table, and yet he'll still be close enough to keep an eye on - just in case he needs to bolt that is.
“Okay…” He agrees cautiously, watching as Louis takes a seat on the floor resting his arms atop of the wooden table top.
“Can I have a piece of paper?”
Keeping his eyes fixed on the boy in front of him Zayn slowly turns the page he's currently working on and takes the page behind it between finger and thumb. Carefully, so as not to completely destroy the page, he pulls it from the book creating a perfectly neat tear. Once free, he hands the page over to Louis who's quick to snatch up an orange pencil from the pile littering the table.
Zayn has no idea what the scrawl across the page is meant to be, or if it's meant to be anything at all. But he can't help but silently watch on as more and more colours are added and smudged together. More than likely Louis was simply dragging the pencils across the page and not even really paying attention to what he was doing; however the attempt to try didn't go unnoticed, and Zayn returned to what he was doing wordlessly.
Somehow it felt like they had made an unspoken truce, or maybe healed the rift that had been between them ever since they had both met. Either way Zayn would gladly take it over Louis’s usual annoying self any day.
-X-
The gardens are really quite pretty Niall thinks to himself. It's not somewhere they often go and so he usually jumps at the chance to visit. Naturally it's even better when he gets to go with Harry.
They're currently sat atop of a picnic blanket, Harry with his head in Niall's lap, legs stretched out in front of them both. Niall had idly started to weave his fingers through Harry's mop of curls, twirling strands around his fingers before smoothing them back down again.
The suns out too, beaming a warm glow of heat down upon them keeping them at a suitable temperature. For saying they were still in spring there was an odd summery vibe in the air. Not that Niall's complaining of course – it was good to get some sun every now and then.
They'd made a mini feast earlier too, Sandy had taken them down to the kitchens earlier and together they’d hijacked a box of food to take out into the gardens. Needless to say it was apparently something they should have told Paul about according to Sandy; so he'd been quick to swear them both to secrecy.
“You okay?” Harry suddenly asks his voice soft.
Niall glances down to him breaking away from his thoughts to see Harry glancing up at him, one eye open, squinting a little to avoid the suns glare. Niall beams back, leaning over to act as shield from the harsh rays. Of course Harry appreciates it and smiles indulgently – reaching up to stoke a hand down his cheek.
“I'm good!” Niall replies cheerfully. “Just thinking about how nice it is today”
“Yeah, I guess it is” Harry agrees tilting his head back up to stare at the open blue sky above them.
Niall softens his smile as he watches him. He knows Harry still isn't quite over what happened. In fact to start with he’d refused to leave Niall's side for a second, even for therapy sessions. They’d had to start going to joint sessions together, of course Niall didn't mind. If anything he enjoyed Harry tagging along – it gave him more confidence to speak out about how he was really doing.
But Lou of course had worried, as she always did. She seemingly thought that neither of them would ever be able to become independent because of it.
So Paul had intervened, speaking to Harry in depth about it, going over everything that had happened. Harry hadn't been happy about the idea of being without each other again, he'd kicked off and shouted at Paul over it. But Niall had overheard everything, seeing as Harry wouldn't speak to Paul without him there, and decided to take matters into his own hands for once.
Maybe they wouldn’t ever be able to fully develop into independent people. But maybe they didn’t need to. Niall couldn’t ever see himself leaving Harry willingly, in fact if they ever did leave the hospital he could only see them moving into a place of their together. So really in the end they’d always be together in some way. The only thing they really needed to work on was not necessarily standing next to each other at all times.
Due to that realisation Niall had taken the first step and had asked to try seeing Lou on his own.
Harry hadn’t been happy – he’d kicked off, shouted and screamed. But Niall had stood firm under his sharp gaze, not willing to back down. It had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life, but he wouldn’t waver – not this time.
In the end Harry had had no choice but to accept it. Niall had explained (as best he could) that they needed to learn to be away from each sometimes. He’d added that it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and that they’d still be with one another for the rest of the time; just not for therapy sessions.
Of course it had been tough. The first time Niall had left the ward with Dan he’d thought he was going to have a panic attack as he’d turned round to find Harry was no longer a step behind him. The memory of being taken away to the other hospital had surfaced clearly before him as he’d stepped forward, walls closing in a little. But he continued forward anyway trying to find the feeling he’d felt when he’d been reunited with Harry again, lying inside the warmth of the fort.
It had helped somewhat calm him and push away the ever increasing panic rising inside. That wasn’t to say it had magically disappeared of course, there would never be permanent fix for that. He knew well enough that there would never be a cure to fix any of this – but at least he knew how to fight back now.
He smiled wistfully at the memory pulling a little at Harry’s hair and grinning as he watched him sit up and yelp.
“Hey! What was that for?” Harry asked sounding little sulky as he rubbed at the patch of hair Niall had pulled.
“You looked sad” Niall told him cheerfully. “So I pulled your hair to distract you from whatever you were thinking about!”
“Niall! That’s a terrible reason. Geez…” Harry complained as he poked Niall in the arm.
“Were you thinking about your mum again?” Niall asks softly, trying to approach the topic carefully.
Instantly the cheery and somewhat summery atmosphere dims and Niall worries over whether it was right to mention it. But Harry doesn’t tell him to drop it, neither does he get angry. Instead he looks off to the side a little awkwardly.
“I… Yeah, I guess I was” he admits fiddling with a blade of grass.
“And?” Niall prods.
“I figured that maybe I should see her… I mean it wouldn’t hurt would it?”
Niall feels like cheering, he wants to bundle Harry up in his arms and cry in joy. The curly haired boy had been thinking about meeting his mother ever since Niall had been brought back to the hospital. Of course he still didn’t know what had brought the sudden change of heart on – he was just happy that he had finally been considering it again.
Ann was a kind woman - and Niall remembered her in a good light. She had been a doting mother, always attentive to her children and there when they needed her; despite her nightly activities. She wasn’t a bad mother no matter what her methods of affording for her family were. She’d done it out of love and wasn’t that the most important thing?
Niall thought so.
Yet Harry had shut her out. He’d closed off all contact and said no to her visits, building a wall around himself so as to hide away from her. It was a stretch for him to even read any of the letters she sent, and in the end Niall would end up reading them to him as they fell asleep curled around each other.
She’d been a taboo subject – one that even Niall didn’t dare directly ask about.
But now Harry was quite open about it, and he’d been talking it through with Lou recently. It was a good sign, so Paul had asked him about possibly seeing her again.
“You should see her! You should definitely see her Harry!” Niall said encouragingly.
He was desperate for Harry to go for it. They only had one life after all and they had to make the best of it. So reconnecting with his mother was worth a shot and Niall knew she definitely wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to see him again – despite what Harry thought.
“Do you really think…? Will she really say yes?” Harry asks biting his lip.
And here it was – Harry’s unwarranted fear that his mother had turned her back on him. It had been there brewing under his skin ever since the news of her remarriage reached them via that fateful letter.
Niall guessed he couldn't really call Harry's fear unwarranted. It was something that bothered the curly haired boy, and so in Niall's mind it was automatically something important. Yet looking back on Harry's mother she didn't seem to be the type to just abandon Harry either.
All the same he just wanted to encourage Harry to see her, talk to her, and maybe figure this whole situation between them out. The way Niall saw it there was no way that she would decline the opportunity - not after she'd been so desperate to get in contact with Harry before.
In fact the only the only reason she'd stopped trying had been because Harry had asked her to. It was out of respect of Harry’s own wishes, and a selfless decision no matter which way you painted it.
After the letter announcing her re-marriage had arrived Harry had gloomily looked it over reading his mother’s curled script with a blank expression. Once finished the letter had ended up in Niall's hands with a favour to place it with the others. He'd never spoken about it after that, never said he was happy for her. Paul had only been told later to cease communication between them, no more letters, no more pictures, nothing.
He'd totally cut the ties between them only leaving frayed threads of the close relationship they'd once had behind.
It had been too long.
But it could be fixed. The threads could easily be tied back together, stronger and more durable to Harry’s temper. But the two of them had to be willing, and Niall’s uncertainty didn’t lie with Harry's mother; it laid with Harry.
If Harry backed out then the spiral would never end and both of them would only wind up hurt again.
“Of course she will!” Niall tells the curly haired boy crowding into his space and pressing their foreheads together. “She's your mum, and she loves you” he adds softly, trying to distil even just a small amount of confidence into Harry.
The other nods slowly, searching Niall's eyes briefly for some sort of trickle of doubt – yet he finds nothing in those blue depths. His boyfriends gaze is firm, it doesn't waver or break from his. There's no denying that Niall truly believes in what he's saying.
A soft sigh leaves Harry's mouth and he glances at the sheet their sat upon tangling his fingers into Niall's.
“Then… I guess I better talk to Paul right?” He says trying to calm his racing heart.
“I'll be right there with you” Niall whispers vowing to himself to be the strong one this time.
Harry grins looking back up into the sky again with a soft smile playing on his lips.
-X-
Louis taps his feet against the floor nervously, chewing his lip, and running a hand though his messy hair. He hates the fluttering feeling in his stomach that keeps rising as the minuets tick away. It’s annoying, and it doesn’t suit is normal boisterous temperament.
Out of pure irritation he spears a generous glance at the clock again in the corner and huffs in exasperation as the feeling comes rolling back again.
10 minutes – he thinks to himself. 10 minutes late.
Again his hand returns to his hair, and a glance in the mirror tells him that the damage he's caused to the mop atop his head is permanent now. Another fault to add to ever growing list.
He'd spent an age that morning standing in front of his wardrobe picking out the ‘perfect outfit’ and style for his hair. He’d wanted to at least look decent seeing as his mental state was far from it. Yet now his efforts felt as though they'd be in vain and the appearance he'd left his room in was long gone.
He drops into the worn arm chair in the corner and huffs childishly, eyes narrowed as he glares at the door. What the ever loving hell was keeping her?
“Louis, calm down” Josh says from the sofa sitting opposite him.
The other boy had been appointed to accompany him that morning – not that Louis had a problem with this. If anything he’d assumed that Josh would serve as his entertainment while he'd waited, that soon proved to be untrue.
Instead the other had only smiled and stayed quiet as Louis had rambled the whole way there. Then upon arrival the older had seated himself down in the sofa watching Louis with a cautious eye.
Supposedly no one trusted him still, and the knowledge that his mother had contacted the hospital to arrange a meeting with him after all this time had done little to change that.
It had happened about a month after Niall had been brought back to the ward. Paul had approached him after his meeting with Lou, cautiously handing him a pristine white envelope with his name and ward number scrawled across in black ink. His mother had written to the hospital requesting to arrange meeting with him, and Louis would have been lying if he'd said the timing of it all hadn't made him suspicious.
It had been so long since he'd last been in contact with his family. He'd already cut connections with them once, (or so he’d thought), choosing to ignore the letters sent. Although he'd been well aware of his mother’s frequent visits to the hospital to see Paul for updates on how he was doing. But he'd never once actually gone as far to meet her himself.
She’d asked after him a couple of times, but Louis had been quick to turn the offer down with a wave of his hand. So eventually she’d stopped trying – he could only assume that she'd finally got the message that he didn't want to see her. As harsh as it might have sounded, it was in Louis’s opinion the best option for them both.
So now it seemed odd that she’d tried again after such a long time of radio silence from his end. Had he not made it explicitly obvious that he didn't want to see them?
His curiosity had gotten the best of him though, and he'd cautiously agreed to meeting on the basis that he was keen to get to the bottom of this insane lack of judgement on his mother part.
However now he was beginning to regret it. She should have been there 10 minutes ago, and her lack of presence was making him anxious.
“I can't!” He whined back at Josh, folding his arms across his chest frowning through the window ahead of him.
It was at that point he saw a woman rush past the glass quickly. His body tensed, freezing in place as his mind tried to catch up with what he'do just seen. The long hair was familiar, as was the turquoise scarf and pinched expression.
His heart clenched in his chest followed by an aching sensation. The feeling isn't familiar to him, so it unsurprisingly sets of his defensive, and slightly aggressive state of mind.
“Ah looks like she's here” Josh confirms glancing out the window to the front desk where the woman's currently stood talking to the receptionist.
The confirmation does nothing for turmoil currently wreaking havoc in Louis’s mind though. He's taken to pacing about the room, digging his nails into the soft skin of his palms.
The image of his mother stood in the family kitchen, palm pressed to her forehead as she listened to his shrieking sisters, surfaces in his mind. Quiet words that she’d whispered, sounding strained and laced with stress, echo loudly above the noises from the hospital.
It seems that he can’t quite conjure good memories of her now, and guilt rises as he watches her rummage around her bag handing over a wad of paperwork to the woman behind the counter.
“Louis please, not now darling”
Louis turns his head to the floor, shielding his eyes from view behind his hair. He'd never really dwelled on how his hospitalisation had effected his mother. He'd felt pain for his sisters having to witness the whole ordeal, and he may have shed tears of regret late at night when he was tucked away beneath the sheets on his bed.
However his mother was a different person altogether - he'd never even considered what it might have done to her.
The door to the room slides open suddenly and the impish boy jerks out from his reverie, facing away from the door, letting the panic settle in his stomach.
“Hello” he hears Josh say from behind him. “Come in, come in”
Behind him he hears the offering of soft greetings between the two, followed by shuffling about, but he doesn't move - he doesn't dare.
“I’ll erm, give you minuet. If you need anything I'm just outside” Josh then says.
The comment’s met by silence.
Josh stands awkwardly at the side of the room looking between the two of them nervously, unsure whether to cut in or not. Louis’s mother watching her son with a pained expression as he stands facing the wall, stock still and shoulders tensed.
“Louis” he calls feeling a trickle of worry run through him.
He prays to whoever may be listening in that moment that Louis isn't about to have an episode. Lord knows he can’t handle the boy on his own.
Quickly he strides across the room towards the boy. Carefully moving into his view, ensuring not to startle him – there's no way he's taking a punch to the face just because he'd been worried.
“Hey, you okay?” He asks quietly, glancing to the boy’s mother quickly.
Louis stares through Josh for a moment - something that had done more than thrown the other for a moment. But just as Josh plants a hand on his shoulder Louis suddenly focuses his eyes on him, blinking slowly.
“What?” he asks looking less than impressed and more like his arsy self again.
“You okay?” Josh asks again suddenly not so sure about this meeting.
It had seemed like a good idea when first discussed, and even Paul had said it was a positive sign when Louis had agreed to it. But now with the funny turn the boy had just taken, he wasn’t so sure.
“Of course I am” Louis tells him sharply, narrowing his gaze on Josh with his normal frosty tone.
“Right” Josh replies sighing. “Well I’ll be right outside if you need anything okay?”
Again Louis gives him one of his standard snide responses and rolls his eyes. “Be good” he decides to add playfully before he leaves.
Louis glares at his retreating form, tracking him with his eyes as he walks through the door and disappears from view. But now he’s alone, alone with the woman he’d been avoiding for the past five years. She’d here, right in front of him, no longer a spectral from the past, dressed up smartly with a dainty smile gracing her lips.
There’s a silence that stretches between them for what seems like an age as he takes in her appearance with an expression akin to awe. He has to credit her though, she doesn’t move away or even so much as flinch under his scrutinising gaze. It’s all the more proof that’s she’s truly his mother – the woman who had put up with his unyieldingly odd behaviour as a child.
Finally he takes in a deep breath, replenishing the air in his lung, and takes a slight step forward, feeling a wet sting in his eyes.
His mother takes a breath too, her shoulders sagging as she gives him a sympathetic smile. But then it’s as though the five year gap between them doesn’t exist and she opens her arms for hug, and Louis can’t it within himself to deny her.
He rushes across the room and holds her tight to his chest, burying his head into her hairline.
“Hello Lou” she says softly.
“Hi mum” he croaks back finally letting five years of buried emotion trickle down his cheeks.
-X-
Josh grins from outside the window, watching as Louis’s mum embraces her son for a few more moments before pushing him back a little, holding him at arm’s length to get a better look at him. It’s a moment that’s clearly long overdue he thinks to himself as the woman breaks into fresh batch of tears and hugs her boy once more. Somehow he can’t help but shake his head at the pair as they move over to the sofa and sit side by side; clutching each other’s hands tightly like they’re afraid to let go. It’s both a heart-warming and heart breaking sight to watch them. There’s clearly so much they both want to say to each other, and it’s so painfully sad that it’s taken this long for it to finally happen. In hindsight he’s just glad that it is happening – and hopefully something good will come of it in the end.
The care worker watches for a few minutes longer, taking the time to observe Louis closely and make sure he’s definitely settled, before he nods to one of the other guys on guard and steps away. He’s pretty sure at this point that they can handle Louis if he gets rowdy, and they’ll no doubt call ward 37 if anything extreme happens, so he safely deduces that he can take his leave for a while.
As he walks back towards the ward he spots Liam walking with Jon, the two of them smiling cheerfully and making light conversation. Quickly he makes his way over two them clamping a hand down on Liam’s shoulder making the younger boy jump.
“Josh!” he yells flinging an arm out pushing him back in surprise. “What was that for dummy?!”
In response the budding drummer grins, instead slapping him playfully on the back.
“Good to see you too Liam” he laughs offering a greeting to an amused Jon.
“Yeah right, some greeting…” the young boy mutters rubbing his shoulder.
“Ah, don’t sulk kiddo, it is good to see you. How was the trip home? Your parents all good?”
“Of course!” Liam replies, bad mood gone at the mention of his family. “They were sad to see me go as always – I’m glad they miss me of course, but I wish I could stay longer sometimes…” he says sadly.
Josh can’t help but sigh at him. He knows that the boy’s thankful he gets to go home, after all poor Zayn will likely never have that chance – not that he’d probably want to. But whenever he comes back it’s always with the sense of longing for the weekends again. Although Josh always wonders if these weekend visits are a sign that one day Liam’s going to be free to leave for good. While it would be nice to see one of the boys leave the hospital, he knows that he’d also feel somewhat mournful towards the situation. He’s gotten so close to them after all, and the thought of no longer seeing them seems next to impossible now.
Not that he’d ever go as far as to attempt to squash any chance of them being able to leave.
“Must be good to know that people miss you while you’re away…” Jon says sounding a little jealous.
Josh grins wrapping an arm around his shoulder.
“You my friend need to find yourself a lady” he tells him teasingly, laughing when he spots Liam biting his cheek in an attempt to conceal a cheeky smile from the side.
“Oi!” Jon scolds shoving him off watching as his two companions derive their own amusement at his expense. “Geez, can we please get back to the ward now? Liam’s session with Lou ran over schedule, and no doubt Paul will send a search party out for us soon if we don’t get moving” he informs them both with a stern look.
“Yes sir!” they both say sharing a discreet smile.
Once back on the ward Liam immediately heads towards the den. It’s not unusual, and the other boys are no doubt in there – minus Louis of course.
His assumptions are dead on it turns out. As soon as he crosses the threshold of the room he spots both Harry and Niall perched on the sofa as though waiting for something. Niall’s humming cheerfully to himself, legs rocking back and forth almost like a child, while Harry flicks though a magazine an expression of boredom pasted on his face.
Naturally both of them turn to look at Liam and himself as they walk in, and Niall’s quick to jump up and welcome them back.
“Guess what!” he demands excitedly.
As usual Liam grimaces slightly at Niall’s hyper attitude towards almost everything in life. But he relents a second later, indulging the boy that no one seems to be able to the resist.
“What, what?” Liam asks quickly.
Niall almost pouts at Liam’s lack of excitement, instead he draws back and folds his arms childishly.
“You have to guess” he tells the other boy sounding utterly unimpressed.
“Urm… You’re going to meet your brother?” Liam responds rubbing the back of his neck thoughtfully.
“Nope”
“Paul’s taking you and Harry into town?”
“Nope”
“Jon’s allowed you to have extra dessert at lunch?”
“I wish! But no”
Liam sighs, dropping his head dejectedly.
“Then I have no idea – you’ll have to tell me”
As though he’d been expecting Liam to give up all along, Niall turns on heel spinning round once dramatically while announcing his news.
“Paul’s taking us down to the cooking rooms!”
Josh looks on bewilderedly, blinking in confusion at the blonde haired boy. Had he heard correctly? Was Niall being serious?
“Really?” Liam asks looking faintly pleased with the idea. “But we haven’t been there in ages. Well not since Louis nearly set the place on fire…”
Harry scoffs and rolls his eyes at the mention is Louis’s last achievement.
“And that’s probably why it’s been ages since we last went” he says dryly.
Liam laughs at the statement, giving his agreement with a nod.
“You might be right there… Then again is it any surprise when you think that he did turn the oven to the highest setting and leave it for an hour”
Josh pales at the thought, his head conjuring the picture of people rushing about a smoky room while Louis stood to the side furiously insisting that it wasn’t his fault, and passing the blame to the charred remains of a recipe book. It looked like he was in for an interesting day after all.
Paul appears a few seconds later bringing with him a half-awake looking Zayn in his shadow.
“Oh you’re back” he says in greeting. “How was Louis?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. I figured it’d be okay to come back since he seemed to be doing alright” Josh explains leaning in the doorway as Zayn passes him going to greet the others with sleepy demeanour. “Niall says we’re going to cooking rooms?” he inquires as he watches the blonde pounce on Zayn quick to inform of their upcoming adventure.
“Yeah, figured now was as good a time as any since Louis’s away – I take it you’ve already been informed about what happened last time?”
“Naturally”
“Well better get this over with then” Paul says not sounding as positive as Josh wishes he would.
-X-
The cooking suite is bigger than Josh had thought it might be. It’s almost like something he remembered from school – but on a much larger scale. There’s several different counters, complete with cupboards all laid out in neat rows, each with their own oven, sink, and counter top stove. It’s a fairly impressive set up if Josh is honest, and he’s slightly worried at the thought of just how much damage could potentially be caused.
“Stop looking to concerned you’re making me nervous” Paul tells him as he walks past the anxious man, a hyper Niall and sombre looking Harry following in his footsteps.
“Are you sure this is good idea?” he asks Paul for the millionth time.
“As long as we keep a close watch on them – yes. Now go and watch dumb and dumber over there” Paul tells him jerking a finger over to where Harry and Niall are pulling out several bowls from the cupboards and scattering them about the counter; generally just making a mess. They seem to be eager to start, and Josh is regretting nit fighting Paul on who he was assigned to watch over.
“Hey, don’t look so worried” Jon slyly says patting him on the back in a way that seems all too familiar.
“Easier for you to say, you’ve got Liam and Zayn the most sensible of the bunch” his whispers harshly back.
Jon laughs in response giving his wards a backwards glance and nodding.
“That’s true, but how much damage do you really think the two lovebirds can really cause?”
Josh can’t help the sassy schoolgirl are-you-actually-kidding-me look that falls across his face.
“I’m dealing with a hyper active sugar induced five year old trapped in a 19 year olds body, and a melodramatic dangerously over possessive and not to mention borderline psychotic teenager, and you’re wondering what could possible go wrong?!”
“You may have a point…” Jon eventually agrees folding his arms and glancing over Josh’s shoulders in admiration at the pair behind him. “At least Paul’s the only one who’s allowed to touch the oven though…”
Josh guesses he has to be thankful for small miracles.
He’s faintly surprised to learn that Harry has used to work in bakery though.
“It was just a weekend thing” Harry tells him while stirring his ingredients in a large bowl.
Niall’s already finished his, much to everyone’s surprise, and is currently cheerfully washing his used pots and pans in the sink. Harry had made the choice to bake cupcakes when they’d stood pouring over the recipe book Niall had grabbed from the rack in the corner. It had seemed like a good choice, and saved the hassle of trying to get a decision out of Niall who had paled at the large selection of pastries, loafs, and other sugary condiments.
“Seriously? Wow, I didn’t take you as the type” Josh comments smiling as Harry takes extra care to mix everything together in the bowl in front of him.
“What do you mean by that?” Harry asks sharply giving him a harsh look as he pauses in his whisking.
Immediately Josh holds his hands up in surrender, quickly trying to think of a way to placate the nerve he’d obviously struck with his thoughtless comment. Sometimes it was easy to forget that these boys were a little different.
“I didn’t mean… Well… I just… I thought you’d be spending your weekends with Niall… I didn’t think you’d have spare time for such things” he says quickly stumbling over his words in a rush.
Harry watches him for a second, clearly thinking it over in his head. But after a moment Josh guesses that the answer must have a passed Harry’s filter of what he deemed an acceptable response, as he goes back to stirring with a sigh.
“Niall used to come with me. He’d sit behind the counter and chat with all the other ladies who worked there. They loved him of course, and he was forever getting free samples off them” Harry explains, a faint smile touching his lips.
It’s an easy sight to picture, Harry dressed in a pinny and Niall sitting on a crate chatting cheerfully to a group of doting grandmother type ladies.
“I guess you were good at baking then?” Josh asks leaning against the counter.
“Of course!” Niall injects out of nowhere coming over to stand by Harry. “Harry’s the best at baking!”
Josh isn’t surprised to see that Niall’s covered in flour and the boy has several smears of it on his face, in his hair, and down the front of his jeans. It was kind of amazing when Josh thought back to Harry deliberately dressing the boy in a pinny first and knotting it twice at the back so as Niall would need his help in getting it off, just to ensure that he didn’t take it off before he was done baking.
“Oi! It wasn’t like that!” Harry protests looking a little embarrassed at Niall’s high praise.
“But Harry… You said you wanted to own a bakery of your own one day?” the blonde says looking a little confused.
Harry looks a little sheepish at that and turns his head to the counter bashfully. His true colours brought out thanks to Niall once again. Josh grins at the little display, thankful for Niall’s constant honestly.
It’s then that Harry suddenly frowns, hands reaching out for the bottle of Vanilla Essence that Niall had brought back over after he’d finished using it. He turns it over in his hands once and glances back at Niall, suddenly looking slightly concerned.
“Hey Ni… How much of this did you put in?” he asks cautiously.
Niall glance at the bottle and looks thoughtful for second upon realising what Harry’s holding. He spins round to grab the recipe book and points to the ingredients lists printed on the page.
“Well it said three tablespoons… But that didn’t look enough to me, and I really like vanilla, so I added five instead!”
Harry blanches at the boy for a second before pushing away his bowl and turning to face Niall properly. Josh is suddenly very concerned about how Niall’s cupcakes are going to turn out once cooked.
“Ni, what does the book say exactly?” Harry asks slowly looking hesitant.
“It says three… tisps?” Niall recites squinting at the book clearly not fully understanding.
“Do you know what tsp means?” Harry asks.
“Tablespoons right?” Niall answers brightly.
Josh smacks a hand to his forehead.
“Ni, how much did you put in of everything?”
Again Niall looks thoughtful as he glances down to the ingredients lists.
“Hmm, 800 grams of flour” he says. “It does say to use 300 grams of sugar… But I really like sugar so I added in an extra 200 just to be sure. 50 grams of butter, cause butter’s bad for you so I didn’t want to use 100…”
Quickly Josh can see that Niall’s baking has clearly gone wrong. For starters he was only meant to use 400 grams of flour, and god knows why he had only used half of the advised amount of butter with a flimsy health excuse – did he not realise that sugar was also bad in large amounts?
Harry for the most part only gives a strained smile to the boy of his affections, pulling back his own mixtures and sighing fondly.
“Did I do it wrong?” Niall asks sounding worried as he clenches at the recipe book searching Harry for answers.
“No Niall, you did good, really good. Can you pass me a baking tray?”
Niall quietly does as asked and hands Harry the baking tray wordlessly while not quite looking him in the eyes. Clearly the action doesn’t go down well with Harry, and the curly haired boy sighs curling a hand around Niall’s slim wrist to pull him close and press a chaste kiss into his hair.
“Don’t make that face Nialler. You did really well – I’m sure they’ll come out perfect, you’ll see” he tells the blonde firmly. “Have faith in yourself”
Josh smiles at the pair, turning away to give them privacy for a second. He casually picks up a recipe book at the side of him and pretends to be reading through it.
Of course he isn’t so blind to the fact that Harry goes over to Paul later on when the older man is taking the cupcakes out from the oven. It’s clear to Josh that he’s asked a favour from the way he twiddles slightly with his hands and glances away as he waits for a response.
So later when the boys are taste testing the fruits of their labour Josh sends a discreet smile Harry’s way when Niall’s cakes end up tasting amazing compared to Harry’s that are overly sweet and a little on the dry side.
It’s clear to him that there’s been a deliberate mix up – despite the fact that Paul had adamantly confirmed which were Harry’s and which were Niall’s.
But he's not about to say anything, not when Niall's face lights up when he takes a bite of one of his cakes only to find that Harry been right when he'd said they'd turn out okay. It's too much of a precious moment to spoil in his opinion.
-X-
It’s around 5 o’clock when Josh glances up at the clock and decides that it’s high time that he went to collect Louis. There’s been no panicked call from anyone to say that the boys gone on a murderous rampage, and no one’s demanded that they go and collect him early, and so Josh can only assume that the meetings gone well. Although that being said he’s not about to get his hopes up, Louis is a constantly ticking time bomb after all, and fully capable of switching moods faster than a light switch.
That in mind he gives Paul the signal that he’s off to collect the mischievous boy, receiving a curt nod from the older man in response. He’s about to leave the room when Niall suddenly starts yelling from behind him. Obviously his first thought is that the boy’s having some sort of episode or panic, so it comes as a surprise when he almost crashes into him while turning to find out what was wrong.
“Give this to Louis!” the blonde instructs while thrusting a freshly iced cupcake, courtesy of Harry, into his hand.
For a moment Josh simply stares bewilderedly down at the confectionary resting in his palm looking utterly dumbstruck.
“Urm…”
“He’ll be hungry right?” Niall mutters twiddling his fingers seemingly a little embarrassed. “Plus he didn’t get to come with us today right? So I figured it would only be right to offer him one…”
“I’m sure he’ll love it” Josh finally says eyes softening as he takes in Niall’s nervous form and the way he’s suddenly kicking the toe of his shoes into the floor.
“You think so?” the younger boy asks glancing up at him curiously.
“Of course he will!” Josh tells him confidently. “But if I don’t go now he won’t get a chance to eat it will he?”
That apparently gets Niall’s attention, and no sooner has he spoken the words he finds himself being pushed out of the door by the Irish boy.
“Go, go, go!” he shrieks shoving him out of the room.
“I’m going, I’m going – see you later!”
Honestly he thinks to himself. He really loves them, but sometimes these boys can be a little much…
He finds Louis’s still sat with his mother, apparently they had been out earlier wandering around the gardens together according to the lady at the meeting hall’s reception. But other than that the two of them had literally been talking within the confines of the same room for most of the day. Although this doesn't comes as much of a surprise to Josh; he imagines that after five years they have a lot to catch up on.
That being said as soon as he walks into the room Louis’s head jerks up to stare at him, and Josh realises in that moment that he may just have a fight on his hands here to get Louis to leave.
The pixie haired boy obviously knows why he's there, and from that knows what it means for him and his mum. But he just doesn't want it to end, at least not yet.
They truly had had a lot of things to catch up. She'd told him about his sisters, and what they were up to these day, and about his they missed him so much. They spoke about the divorce from her last husband, and how she's met someone new, and “oh he's just so perfect Louis, I'm sure you’ll love him”.
But he finds himself smiling. She sits and rambles and gushes, threading her hands through his hair and clutching at him, and he's smiling. It's one of those smiles that actually hurts after a while, and you can’t push it off. It's a smile that's so simple for other people, normal people, and yet he hasn't found himself with one in over five years.
Yet all it had taken was for his mother, this strange, wonderful, irreplaceable woman in front of him to show up. For her to say she forgave him, and that she loved him, and he'd managed to find it within himself to just for a second let go.
Maybe he'd get frustrated again, and maybe he'd never leave. He knew it was probably for the best for him to remain on the ward – and somehow that was okay. But at least now he didn't have to be there with the thought that he'd never see his family again.
His mother had told him that his sisters wanted to see him too, even Daisy who'd been so frightened that she'd refused to see him when he'd left. She apparently had regretted it so much after he'd gone, so much that she still cried when she thought about him. It had made Louis’s heart ache a little as his mother told him, and he wanted nothing more than to see her and tell her it was okay, that he was okay.
Not that it was the entire truth, but he did feel better somehow.
But now looking at Josh standing there in the doorway giving him one of those sad smiles, he realises that it's time to head back, and he's really not okay with that.
“Not yet!” He finds himself saying. “Just, just a little bit longer”
Josh gives him an awkward look, twisting a little on spot and sighing.
“Louis-”
“No! It can't be time – she only just got here!” He knows it can't be true somehow, but it doesn't even feel like she's been there an hour yet to him, the time had gone so fast.
But then he hears a soft chuckle from his side and whips round to stare at his mother, she's reaching for her bag, looping it over her arm before she clutches his fingers again in her lap.
“What are you d-”
“You knew I would only be able to stay so long, we both did. Remember what we talked about, you must try Louis. I know it won't be easy, but there again no one said it would be right?” She tells him gently, speaking in soft tones in a way he finds almost calming.
All the same there's a faint buzzing in his mind that keeps protesting against her leaving. He feels his fingers starting to shake within her hands and quickly snatches them away from her, leaving a shocked expression building on his mothers face. But then she melts into a smile, light, forgiving and completely understanding. It's makes him feel like a child, which irritates him slightly, drawing up unpleasant thoughts.
But he doesn't get a chance to think on it too long as she's suddenly standing up, making Louis jump and push back into the sofa away from her. It's a natural instinct and he feels his fingers ball into fists ready to strike out.
She doesn't move though, doesn't even bat an eyelid at what should be what Louis presumes from what he's been told to be an odd thing to do. The woman simply smiles and offers him her hand to pull him.
“I suppose I best be off then” she says to him waiting as he watches her hand suspiciously.
Patience is apparently the key to dealing with him. He's overhead Paul say it many times to different people in the hospital. Patience, understanding, and a hardened heart when it came to insults. Louis wonders if what had happened had tougher his mother slightly, made her a stronger person. After all she’d somewhat leaned on him when he'd been younger, asked a lot of him when it had come to caring for his younger siblings.
Yet now he couldn't see that timid woman anymore, there was no hesitation or unease about her. It made him look away a sense of ugly emotion riseing.
She was doing so well…
But he wasn't. He was shaking and and getting worked up on the inside, and although he longed to see his family again he was suddenly struck with the thought that…
He just wasn't ready yet.
It was something that had been plaguing him all day. A thought at the back of his mind nagging him insistently. So far he'd been ignoring it, she'd really turned up and was there in front of him, smiling and laughing as he'd told her about how motherly Liam acted at times.
But now looking at her, really looking at her, and the clear changes that had taken place, it was very obvious to him. He didn't want to take that away again, he couldn't be the reason she worried and fretted over him.
Just a little more time, time to get better, time to mend those weird thoughts that circled his mind constantly, time to change.
Of course he knew he'd never be 100%, who ever was? But he knew with the promise of seeing those people again, seeing his family again, he could work towards the goal of controlling himself.
He glances at the floor and looks away from the hand that's offering all he'd ever thought he’d wanted.
“I think… I think I need more time” he mumbles voice trailing off towards the side of the room – but it's clear by the way the extended hand falls away that she's heard him.
“More time?” She asks sounding a little confused and perhaps disappointed?.
A pang of annoyance surges though him at the comment. Why can't she just understand? Quickly he reins it in and balls his hands into fists, and fighting the feeling to shout at her. It’s something that comes out of nowhere, irritation that’s so unpredictable and irrational – but it’s not unusual or at all foreign to him. In fact it almost feels… Dare he say normal?
It’s like a default setting in his mind, it’s a safe option where he feels in control.
But that’s not right…
He shouldn’t feel that, he’d never forgive himself if he lashed on one of his sisters, on his mother.
So he takes a deep breath, fills his lungs and closes his eyes.
One.
“Why don’t you think of a memory? Something to ground yourself”
Two.
“Don’t fuck with my family again”
Three.
"I'm locked in the stall…"
Four.
“People are their worst enemies”
Five.
“And you never, never ever, forget that I love you okay?”
Finally he lets go, exhaling though his nose and feeling a little calmer. He gathers himself together, taking a moment to watch his mother’s curious expression survey him.
“I know you came all this way, and I’m… I’m really… I’m really grateful” he tells her swallowing a lump in his throat.
It’s so hard to express what he wants say! It doesn’t feel like it’s coming out right – and he’s desperate for her to understand. The natural feeling of just wanting to strike out keeps rising. But he’s got to do this, if not now then he knows he never will.
“I just, I’m still not… I’m not at that point yet” he pauses for another second, trying to take his time. “It might take a while. But I’ll work harder, and it’s not that I don’t want to see you – or the girls. It’s just that I want to be… I want to right when I do…”
The words drift off and that horrible feeling he’d had back when he was in the library with Liam surfaces again. He wants to run, run and hide from this situation. Curl up in a ball and shield himself from what’s about to come.
But she doesn’t give him a chance.
Instead arms circle around him pulling him close as she kneels down to his level.
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay Lou” she offers gently, a hand brushing through his hair. “You take your time. But you let me know, you tell me when you need us okay? We’ll be there, we’ll be here”
he nods weakly, still feeling like he's let her down a little. She'd come all that way, and he'd pretty much turned her down again.
But she leaves – of course she does. It’s not on bad terms though, there’s no bitterness in her voice when she tells him she’ll see him later. There’s no “goodbye” or hint that it’s the last time. In fact she gives Josh her works telephone number and Lottie’s mobile number in case Louis needs to get in touch quickly.
It’s a huge relief somehow, and Louis knows he’s made the right decision. It’s too soon – and that’s all there is to it.
“You sure you’re okay with this?” Josh asks as they walk back to the ward side by side.
“Of course I am!” he bites back folding his arms across his chest defensively. “Don’t you dare breathe a word to the others though!”
Josh laughs good-naturedly offering a quick promise to keep his silence. It seems like it really is okay.
“She seemed really understanding about it though” Josh muses thinking back to Louis’s mum’s calm expression.
“Yeah she was” Louis quietly agrees.
It’s then Josh remembers the cupcake Niall had given him. It’s currently sitting inside a plastic tupperware container inside the carrier bag swinging back and forth in his hand. He’s surprised Louis hadn’t actually commented on the contents, but he guesses he’s currently got other things playing on his mind.
“Hey, Niall asked me to give you this” he says offering the plastic bag to the smaller boy, watching as he glances suspiciously at it before taking it.
“What… What is it?” He asks in return, opening the bag to take a look inside.
“Don't looks so worried, it's only a cake. The boys have have baking today while you were with your mum. Niall figured you'd be hungry”
Louis raises an eyebrow at the tub, reaching in to pull it out and inspect the contents. He holds it up to Josh, glancing from underneath it, squinting at the harmless cupcake as though it were some undiscovered species.
“Niall made this?” He asks sounding every bit as suspicious as Josh had accused him of being. “You sure it's safe?” He then says when Josh nods, although though the older lad knows that that's not strictly true. Harry had actually made it, but Louis didn't need to know that they had been switched.
“Of course it is!” he tells him frowning as Louis carefully lifts the lid taking a animalistic sniff of the confectionary. ”You should be happy, he was worried”
Louis pauses his inspection, glancing at Josh from the corner of his eyes. Josh realises instantly that he shouldn't have perhaps said that, but the words are already out there for Louis to take as he pleases.
Oddly enough he simple draws back a little standing up tall and proud, while fixing a smug look on his face.
“It's not my fault I'm so special” he simple says walking ahead of Josh, taking large bite from his cupcake merrily.
It seems wonders will never cease.
-X-
Niall bounces cheerfully down the corridor, hand in hand with Harry, a smile on his lips. His companion is less than happy that they'd had to leave the comfort of their cosy room beneath the sheets. It was always a struggle in the morning to actually get the curly haired boy to move – the current method was a promise of a plate full of blueberry pancakes and a pot of vanilla yoghurt.
However breakfast was long since over, and Niall had an important meeting to attend apparently, and so they’d forgone the usual breakfast routine and instead laid around in bed for an extra half an hour. Supposedly this meeting promised an outcome of food, and it was that which had eventually swayed Harry into attending in the first place – which was odd considering Niall was more food conscious than Harry.
“Niall, slow down already!” Harry tells the blonde, stumbling down the corridor after him.
The blonde only laughs in response, grinning from ear to ear and dashing off around a sharp corner, almost sending them both hurtling to the floor. Somehow Harry comes to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what he says, Niall's clearly too caught up in his own excitement at this point.
After everything that had happened recently they'd both sat down with Paul and spoke about their future options. One of them had been outside visits, where one of their family members would collect them and take them out for the day somewhere (provided that at least one of the staff went with them). Naturally Niall had been ecstatic upon hearing the idea and had immediately began to plan out loud.
Harry had been a little more cautious about the sudden proposal and had stared intently as Paul had continued to list off further options to them. It seems odd to give them such a chance out of nowhere – and due to the mess that had only just recently happened Harry wasn't so up for trusting anyone so quickly. Neither was he prepared to let Niall out of his sight any time soon. Therapy sessions were one thing, but day trips into the world beyond – he didn't think so.
So Paul had rethought it, deciding that it could be possible to let them both go if necessary; which Harry decides it definitely is. He's concerned, but Harry doesn't know why. As long as he's with Niall and they're both happy, then everything's fine.
Which lead them to now, running through the halls at break neck speed, poor Dan a few steps behind them. He'd been collared into this mess too after Paul had come barging into their room at stupid o’clock smirking at Niall and ominously announcing that it was “time”. Time for what he didn't know. Niall had been rather tight lipped, simply grinning at him and pressing a finger to his lips while informing him that it was “a secret” – apparently a good secret, but a secret none the less.
It annoys him, but he's hardly about to snap at Niall for it. All the same he’s beginning to feel a little antsy about where they're going.
Niall ends up pulling him out of the hospital in the end, they take the back exit that opens out into a long winding dirt path that leads to the visitor’s hall. It's a grand building, much like the hospital itself, but on a much smaller scale. Big arched windows, and fancy brickwork that would make any architect proud.
But it's not a place Harry's been many times, and never for very long. He has no reason to since he doesn't meet his family – in fact the only times he does ever go there are to collect Niall and occasionally say hello to Greg when he comes to visit. Although as far as he's aware Niall doesn't have an appointment to see Greg today.
He'd been last weekend, complete with a new set of pictures of baby Theo, and many new stories of the young boy’s explorations. Apparently he was walking now, causing complete chaos about the house, and reminding Greg of a young Niall the more days went on.
So Harry could only stare up at the building in bewilderment as they ran along the path, Niall showing a toothy grin glancing back at him every now and then. What on earth did his blonde haired angel have planned this time?
“Is Greg over again?” He can’t help but ask as they reach the front door, Dan stepping up in front of them to open the door with his key card.
Niall chews his lip, biting back a smile. Although even he looks a little nervous now, twisting his fingers together and shuffling from foot to foot. It does little for his growing anxiety to see Niall doing such things – if anything he wants to grab his hand and pull him back towards the safety of their room. It seems whatever's waiting for them here is causing the reaction after all, and Harry urge to protect rears it head instantly.
“Will you promise me something?” Niall asks him timidly, glancing at the floor in a way that Harry does not approve of.
“What is it?” He asks suspiciously reaching out to Niall and taking his hands into his own.
He waits patiently, despite the growing sense of foreboding brewing, giving Niall time. He knows not to push at this point, pushing Niall too quick never brought good results, and if anything could trigger a panic attack.
“I kind of arranged something with Paul for you…” Niall admits looking just as guilty as he sounds.
“Arranged something?” Harry echoes searching Niall for any sort of clue to what he's talking about.
“Just please promise to not get mad” the blonde begs finally meeting his eyes.
The curly haired boy doesn't even have to think about it. He never does when it comes to Niall. He's been told countless times that it's not healthy to have such trust and unwavering loyalty towards someone – and yet that's exactly how he feels towards Niall. There just aren't enough words the describe it - he's just literally his whole world.
“Of course I won't” he says firmly, making sure not to raise his voice yet still covey the clear sense of conviction that Niall needs to hear. “I could never be mad at you” he adds truthfully giving a soft smile reserved only for the Irish boy. “Come on, show me what you've arranged” he suggests placing a quick kiss to his cheek and pushing the door open lacing his fingers through Niall's securely.
Dan follows them though making sure to direct them to the reception first. He steps up to the desk offering Harry's name and his own signature in exchange for a key card that unlocks the room where Harry guessing someone's waiting for him.
“Room four” the receptionist says pointing down the left hall.
Dan nods in return, thanking her before signalling for the other two boys to follow him. Naturally Harry steps forward first, leading the way with Niall trotting along behind him hand in hand.
Dan finds the door first, swiping the card down the reader and turning to them when the door clicks signalling it's open.
“After you Harry” he says making a grand gesture to the door.
Harry nods taking the first step forward, he catches himself making a quick prayer to whoever’s listening that this goes well. However just as he reaches for the door he feels Niall’s hand drop away and his stomach drops. Instantly he turns round o face him staring wide eyed at the boy.
“Niall…” he whispers.
Niall stands holding his arm shifting in place. It’s clear he’s not entirely comfortable with the situation, and quite honestly Harry’s more than surprised at the defiant action he’s just made.
“I… I’ll wait here for you” he tells him.
Dumbfounded Harry can only nod back at him, taking a moment to make sure that Niall’s fine with waiting. It’s only when Niall doesn’t move or retract his decision that Harry pulls away, hand reaching for the door handle. A quick breathe later and he’s pushing forward into the room, closing the door behind him.
Immediately he’s scanning the small room, his eyes landing on a lady perched on the edge of an armchair. She’s smiling at him the moment his eyes land on her, watching him with a relieved expression.
But he can’t find his breath all of a sudden, and there’s a lump in his throat forming rapidly. His whole body trembles slightly as his mind works to catch up with the situation.
“Hello Harry”
“Mum?”
-X-
It’s been a long day Josh thinks to himself while walking among a sea of stones. Actually it’s been a long year.
He can’t quite believe how much has actually happened in the space of 12 months. Thinking about it now, he doesn’t miss his university life at all. Balancing his studies, social life, and trying to maintain the best grades possible. There’s no way he’d exchange the life he’s living now for that.
He’s happy with how things turned out, looking after the gang on ward 37 – despite the fact that one of them is out to kill him at times. He likes to think they’re on decent terms now, and that maybe in some way they’ve warmed up to him. Although he does question it at times, especially when Harry’s on the warpath, or Louis wakes up with the urge to draw blood.
Regardless of that they’re all doing much better than when he arrived; which is a blessing in itself. They all deserve it though, he knows they’ve been through hell and back, and he’s a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. Besides if anyone needed it he’d definitely say it was these lads.
He smiles to himself slightly as a gentle breeze catches his jacket making it flutter slightly ad it pinches a few petals from the bouquet of bright flowers he's holding. He takes a left briskly walking down another path towards a more secluded area surrounded by shady trees.
For saying its autumn now it's still fairly warm outside and he's glad he's only worn a light jacket. But soon the wet weather will more than likely begin, and Louis will be back to complaining that he can't go out into the gardens and “get his tan on” no doubt.
He smirks at the thought and kneels down in front of a particular stone, placing the flowers down gently to the ground. Then slowly he reaches out and brushes his fingers over the name engraved into the cold surface tenderly. He smiles softly feeling a bittersweet sensation roll over him.
“Hi gran” he rasps out, clearing his throat slightly as he feels the lump of emotion begin to rise. “I did it” he whispers gently.
-X-
"Joshua, you reached your dream didn't you?"
"Mm, I did"
"I thought you might, I was rooting for you"
"Even now you're still looking out for me aren't you?"
"Well that's the thing about losing those you love. They never really leave you"
Well that’s it for now. Like I said before the story I’d like to add a few extras to this. So if anyone would like to suggest ideas you’re very much welcome too. Other than that you might see a Christmas extra up soon. I’ll likely just tag it onto the end of this story.
HIV Cure: New Drug ‘Vacc-4x’ May Become First Functional Cure Against the Virus
The Man Who Had HIV and Now Does Not
This is HUGE news, and of course no one is talking about it because it is not a part of popular culture. For the first time in the history of the world, there is a possible preventative cure for one of the most deadliest viral diseases to have entered the human gene pool. There is hope for those who have been diagnosed with a disease that may have given them only 20 or so years to live. This breakthrough in the science/pharmaceutical community means that other viral diseases and genetic mutations that were once incurable are now on the table for complete eradication. I’m absolutely seething that no one is talking about this on the news 24/7.
and while this is hella important, herpes is getting complex to the point there is no cure or no way to work with it.
I really need both of these to go viral.
@winnieharlow: Say hello to this beautiful mini me! @redefinedmybeauty I see you doing your thing baby girl! You’re a little sister in my head. ❤️ #vitiligo #WinnieHarlow #AprilStar #NOTvitiligomodels! #justmodelswithvitiligo
@redefinedmybeauty: Thank you @winnieharlow you’re such a role model for me and I hope we shoot together in the future.
Audrey Hepburn was the granddaughter of a baron, the daughter of a nazi sympathizer, spent her teens doing ballet to secretly raise money for the dutch resistance against the nazis, and spent her post-film career as a goodwill ambassador of UNICEF, winning the presidential medal of freedom for her efforts.
Wow okay.
Tumblr doesn’t send anymore asks if you send a “.” and a letter or word without a space right after it.
Example: H…hello (doesn’t send it) - H… hello (will send it)
It says it sends the ask but it doesn’t. My gf and I were trying since 2 days now and we just found out what the problem was.
Pass it on.
Helllllo!!! The end of 2014 is almost near and that means a few of our favorite holidays are coming up as well! And as many of us know, Christmas is one of those and even though tis not exactly the season to be giving, who doesn’t love a little head start and teasing to stir up the excitement for it?
So here is the 2014 Niall/Harry Holiday “Secret Santa” Fic Exchange!
This is an anonymous exchange, hence the “secret santa” feel of it. For this exchange, if you sign up, you will be writing a holiday themed fic for someone else and during that time, someone will be anonymously writing a fic for YOU! So in the very end, everyone gets their very own little (or big) fic for the holidays. So not only does everyone who participates get a special gift, but even the people who don’t participate get a sudden influx of new niall/harry fic to read during their winter break! Get ready to cuddle up with your 1D pillows and your laptop/phone so you can read some lovely fics by some lovely writers~
When: Sign-ups start on October 5th and close on October 25th so you have a little under three weeks to decide whether you want to participate and sign up. Your prompts to choose from and who you will be writing for will be given to you during the following week and all assignments will be given out by October 31st. Fic submissions are due on December 7th (this is the DEADLINE, but fics CAN be submitted before then, although you are encouraged to only start submitting the day after Thanksgiving, which is Nov. 28th). The reason for this fic exchange to be starting so soon is so that writers have enough time as possible to get their fics done and submitted.
How it will work:
You will sign up on ao3. You must, must, must, have an ao3 account to be able to participate. If you desperately want to join this fic exchange, please create an ao3 account and sign up as soon as possible. If you are unable to get an ao3 account before the deadline of the sign-ups, contact me immediately and I will see if I can find a way to squeeze you into this activity. (there are NO promises).
You will request and offer. In your request, you’ll give 3-5 holiday themed prompts (3 minimum, 5 maximum, ex. of a prompt: niall/harry, christmas eve fluff in their shared flat! lots of cuddling and kisses!). If you absolutely do not want a holiday themed fic, include regular prompts. The main point of this exchange is that everyone gets a gift in the end. It will also include information about what you do and don’t want in your fic. In your offer, you will give information about what you will and won’t write.
Once sign-ups are through, you will be emailed someone else’s request form. Anonymously, you will write that person a fic once you’ve chosen from one of their prompts. During this time, someone will be receiving your request form and beginning your fic. (Authors will be revealed on December 25th so you can go wish your fic writer a happy holidays while thanking them for their lovely gift~)
Minimum word count is 4,000 words. There is no maximum word count so go nuts, by all means.
Beta’s will be gathered if you do not have a go-to-beta, or if your go-to is the person you are writing for.
If you are unable to complete your fic, please contact me ASAP. I cannot stress this enough so I am putting it in bold: Do NOT join this fic exchange if you are not planning on taking it seriously. We do not want anyone to end up writing a fic for someone else and then not getting one back in return. Of course this is not mandatory, this is for fun. But I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in the end, so please do not back out unless you absolutely have to. Writer’s block and emergencies are of course understandable, but if you can, please do finish a fic.
Again, we are using ao3 so postings will be there. If you find yourself in need of assistance, contact me.
Only ONE fic is allowed in this exchange. But of course you can write more to post on your own, but only one from you is needed for this exchange.
ALL and ANY questions can be asked here on this blog, nhficexchange, or here on Maya’s main blog, liamipayne (hlalloween for October).
OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT THIS FIC EXCHANGE:
This is so, so important. Please reblog this post (every once in a while if you can) to spread the word and gather as many writers as we can! This is not only for the benefit of the exchange, but for your benefit too! The more writers, the more fic. Sounds good, right? So even if you don’t want to/can’t participate, please reblog this post and spread this around!
Follow the blog this post originated from! All fics will be posted here as time goes on all the way until the final day for submitting fics. Also, all updates until the 25th of December will be posted here as well.
Links:
Collection on ao3
Sign-up form
I encourage anyone to sign up, I am hopeful that this will be a successful fic exchange so by the time the holidays roll around, everyone will be satisfied with the new swarm of niall/harry fics :^)
(big thanks to the admin of the tshaw fic exchange for being my guideline for this. without them i would be lost completely xx)
LET ME TELL YOU WHY I LOVE THIS SCENE AND THIS EPISODE AND THIS SERIES AND WHY I COULD WRITE A DISSERTATION ON EVERYTHING
First off, it’s an entire episode about prejudice and discrimination without the POC being the one to have to tell it. Rather than always taking the role of the person who has to tell us why prejudice is bad, Cyborg gets to be the friend and confidante. He gets to be the one to relate to Starfire’s problem.
Starfire is understandably upset about Val-Yor calling her a “troq”, but doesn’t want to burden her friends, especially during the course of an important mission. Cyborg, however, soon stumbles onto the truth. How absolutely powerful his line “So he’s been calling you a terrible name, and you know that if you punch him out, it’ll just confirm all the bad stuff he thinks about you.” This speaks directly to the concept that marginalized people must always be on their best behavior, must always be working tirelessly against stereotypes and discrimination, and if they falter, if they get angry or upset or even just have a bad day, they will immediately be labeled as precisely the thing they are working against. Of course he understands exactly what she’s feeling.
(What’s left out of this gif set is that he tells her he understands because he’s part robot, which speaks so much to Cyborg and how unique and treasured his relationship with Starfire is, and how much he probably values being not seen as an “other” human, but as a human in general. Their relationship is so ridiculously amazing, that could take an entire other post, DON’T GET ME STARTED IT WOULD BE REALLY LONG BECAUSE I LOVE THEIR FRIENDSHIP.)
And Cyborg convinces Starfire to tell Robin about what Val-Yor’s been doing because he knows how much she means to him and that he would want to know, even though Starfire doesn’t want to burden him. (And if you go back and watch the episode, listen to the way Scott Menville delivers the single line “What” when Robin does hear about it; it just perfectly captures the quiet anger and insult that he feels and UGH I COULD DO A WHOLE POST ON THE VOICE CAST DON’T ENCOURAGE ME.) Robin of course immediately wants to defend Starfire, but being the incredible person that she is, she reminds him that their mission is more important than her feelings. She knows that there are other things at stake and is determined to be a strong person and try to ignore blatant discrimination against her, to work with this guy even though he doesn’t respect her, because that’s what needs to be done. He continues to try to ignore and marginalize her until she finally just tells him to shut the fuck up and let the big girls take care of the alien invasion. Which she does, while saving his sorry ass.
AND THEN to their immense credit, the writers bring us back to Earth where Val-Yor is trying valiantly (or pathetically, take your pick) to save face and remarks that Starfire “must be one of the good ones.” To which Starfire promptly replies that she is no better than any other Tamaranean just because she saved his worthless hide and that he better get out of there while she deigned to let him live. He leaves and Starfire acknowledges that some people will never like you because they are bigoted and that that’s okay because there are other people who are not and they are the ones who truly matter. When I first saw the episode, I was afraid they were gonna give Val-Yor a pass and have it all hugs and smiles, but they actually held him accountable and acknowledged that some things are more complicated and that sometimes people cannot be changed. But you keep moving forward anyway.
I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT TEEN TITANS, OKAY?!
titsay
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
jbbartram-illu
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
