Nathan Misery Made Me

[nathank77]

6/9/26

6:06 p.m I say all this as my profile picture has a guy in the background with his mouth in a wow face 😮 as he watched me swing out of a tuck planche. He stares at me sometimes at the gym and if you watch the video he was 👀 but i want my athleticism to be praised.... why? Bc i feel average. But I tell myself you don't see other people doing this shit, I'm extraordinary even if no one says anything... but I love my profile picture bc it was a ROM expansion and LOOK AT HIS FACE 😮😯😯😲

I'm not even gonna lie, i will never be loved again or make love but if I'm wrong, she better just once call me pull up king.

I wish people showered my athleticism with admiration. I cant lie. Its hard work.

That guy with the big smile, staring at me, pulling his shirt insanely fast multiple times (my eye sight is bad and he was far away enough) he could have been hiding a hard on idk.... I just know the way he was pawing at his shirt was insane and his smile. The intense staring. Right after my L-sit to tuck planche, no one has ever been so happy to see me.

One of these days i hope someone claps for my L-sit.

[nathank77]

6/9/26

5:11 p.m

I woke up this morning to my transphobic/homophobic ex-drug addict (herione) cousin sleeping on the couch and once I opened my door, it REEKED of pot. So he is also still a drug addict.... it triggered me.

I hate him. He scares me..I am worried my mother will let him stay with us. He is dangerous. He has robbed people before for drug money.

He is incredibly transphobic and homophobic. My sister and I are freaking out.

We are trying to make it so he cant come back.... but we are both scared of him.

He is a hot head. She's afraid he will rob us. I am too. I'm afraid he will slash my tires or cut my brake line if I protest him staying here.

I really hope this doesnt turn into a problem... one night is one night...

But i dont want to smell nasty pot.

I dont want him homeless, sleeping in a car, shooting up either... I care about his general well being as he is a person..

But I DO NOT WANT HIM IN MY HOUSE.

[nathank77]

6/9/26

4:46 p.m

So its like, "i ate approximately 23 pieces of popcorn and drank 3 sips of juice," up in here...

I was wondering why i was seeing progress on my pull ups and then my progress turned into a decrease in performance....

And now I'm seeing progress again...

Why? Bc its like, ""i ate approximately 23 pieces of popcorn and drank 3 sips of juice."

I want to thank my sleep tracker. My diet tracker... what i was eating before the gym makes a huge difference in my performance... and I want to thank my warm up tracker bc now I know the PERFECT warm up and what to eat before for the gym..

Its fucking crazy but i actually perform better if I eat protein bars before the gym rather than real food. I ate half a chicken before the gym once and my pull ups were terrible.... I've eaten other clean foods before the gym and my pull ups were shit.

Protein bars it is. Idk why but once I started analyzing every facet of my decrease in performnace and my progress and I turned back the dial and did everything like I was doing diet and warm up, we are making progress.

I mean 10 explosive pull ups in one set could be accomplished by august!

Today I did approximately 32 full rom pull ups. Last time was 28... my last best before I changed my diet was 26...

So I'm def making improvements and finally my hindsight pulls ups arent better bc my new sets are getting better and better!!! I'm so excited.

Who would have thought eating fucking chocolate bars before the gym would give me better performance than a half pound of chicken??

Today was amazing, I wowed myself.

Watching my progression from the last 2 months, boy i got it. I got this. I will be pull up king.

When i achieve 10 explosive shoulder to bar pull ups in one set, I am giving myself the title of pull up king 🤴

But yea sometimes it has to get down to, "i ate approximately 23 pieces of popcorn and drank 3 sips of juice," lol

[nathank77]

6/8/26

6:03 p.m

I truly wonder if there is someone out there for me or if I'm actually doomed to be alone forever. I don't get it.

There is like no one out there. If youre miserable in your relationship, dont leave unless they are abusing you, why? Cause it has nothing to do with me being trans. They dont know.

It has nothing to do with me being disabled, they dont know.

I'm pretty good looking. I mean if I looked like this 10 years ago I would have had endless options but whats available now are either two types of people.

1) CHILDREN under 30....... if you go for under 30 there are loads of CHILDREN.

2) just straight up essentially bots or ugly people. Bots like those women trying to sell you their private cam videos.... or like really ugly people like one girl I've seen countless times on dating apps has BROWN TEETH. She's been single as long as me..... there are others....

But if you're in a relationship do not leave unless they abuse you. Even if you arent happy. Unless you are willing to date children...

Cause 30 and up there is no one left.

[nathank77]

6/7/26

1:46 p.m

Today was weird. I mean it was a good gym day. I finally did another front lever tuck hold! It wasnt a fluke. I'm glad I tried again, it was a solid hold 😀

But I have decided to train planche, front lever and l-sit once a week on ab and leg day so i can do more functional weightlifting on upper body day..... bc they arent really helping me get stronger... they are more like achieving goals... but they dont make my biceps stronger or whatever... idk.. trust me.. I at least need to keep the planche and front lever on ab and leg day bc they are demanding for the shoudlers and with pull ups being my major focus..... I cant even begin to do the front lever... unless I start with it and then my pull ups will suffer which is unacceptable.... and not worth it... ive tried to do it after and my shoudlers cannot pull for the front lever... as for the planche... between that and dips... its just not fair to my shoudlers, like i can do it...but then I'm too tired to perform on functional weightlifting..... or my shoudlers get severely beat up.... so yea. And of course I am sure my plancheing isnt as good bc of the pull ups and dips.... they are too shoudler demanding to be the same day as pull ups.

So thats why I have moved them to once a week on ab and leg day.

Anyways I did a L-sit to tuck planche. It was quite good on the dip bar... the planche was a little weak..... I couldn't really hold it... but the l-sit, well you know it was perfect 👌

And some guy was on the shoudler press and he was staring at me with the biggest smile on his face I have ever seen. It was like a Dennis quad smile. Ear to ear full teeth.

He was so happy to see me. He was staring right at me after I looked at him when I got off the dip bar....

Like his fucking smile omfg. I've never seen such a happy looking guy. And he started pulling at his shirt when i was staring back at him making eye contact and I smiled at him.

I was confused. Why is he looking at me? Why is he pulling his shirt? Do i have something on my shirt? Why is he so happy? Omg his smile is so huge.

I forget sometimes that a L-sit at planet fitness or anywhere is pretty damn impressive and appearantly l-sits are hard....

I guess the percentage of people who can do them is almost under 1%.

Trust me i like turning heads. And I have had some people stare at me.

But the way this kid was looking at me. Omg if only you seen it. If only I had it on camera bc i almost dont believe my eyes.

I am not sure what he was thinking, I mean I even turned my head and looked to see what he could possibly be looking at.... and then I realized it was me. It was my L-sit.

His smile was insanely happy. Pulling at his shirt just staring at me. I dont understand.

[nathank77]

6/6/26

6:20 p.m it was for the first time in 7 years. I finally showered with the curtian.

Its all about those silent battles no one knows about.

I'm trying not to overthink it sadly that means I cant really celebrate either...

I showered today with the Curtian..... I didnt get the floor soaked...

When I reasoned with ocd I said, "but its my shower... no one uses it but me... the curtian is new... why are still showering with the curtian off??"

I just turned on shake it off by Taylor swift like some weirdo and got in the shower. Yea I had to wash my hands a few times. Yea it was hard. Yes my elbow touched the curtian....

But its my shower. I can win this silent battle... its just caustiphobic in there bc even if there are no germs its like a fucking prison stall with no room to move around even if you dont give one fuck about germs.

But it was a silent battle and I won.

[nathank77]

6/5/26

8:05 p.m

I'm truly in shock at my progress for only 1 year and 6 months. I mean I worked my ass off. I obv know what I am doing but holy fuck. Time to sleep and grow stronger.

November 2024 to June 2026.. except the side profile which is Maech 2025 to June 2026.

What the actual fuck..how is this real?

[nathank77]

6/5/26

2:52 p.m and look at my back.. why am I 178 POUNDS ITS BC I AM LAT MAN. I THINK ALL 8 POUNDS WENT TO MY BACK.

2:48 p.m that annoyong guy strikes again. But this is March 2025 to Today..... JESUS FUCK LOOK AT MY SIDE PROFILE COMPARISON BELOW..HOLY FUCK.

All I kept saying after my disappointing pull up day earlier this week is, "don't give up." And I kept thinking, "I wish I could have one more day like last month on 5/18 where i did a total of 26 head over bar pull ups, i wish it wasnt a one time fluke." And I kept thinking over and over again, "do not give up." Today i achieved 28 head over bar pull ups my best so far. 5/18 wasnt luck or a fluke. This set was the best from today, but i had 5 other sets. One was funky (I always have one funky set) but the other 4 set, I did 5 head over bar pull ups each. And this one i did 6. The funky set i did 3 head over bar pull ups totaling at 28 amazing pull ups today, besting my best day. It was not a one time thing, I will keep getting better. Some times I will have an off day. Sometimes I will perform averagely (hopefully this is my average day, one day) And somedays, I will be pull up king. One of these days youre gonna see 10 unbroken strict pull ups. I cannot wait. I'm starting a grease the grove type of training on my pull ups, where I do pull ups until I cant get my head over the bar and I stop rather than going to failure..I had some left in me in every set but my head would not have went over that bar 28 times today. I am doing my own approach for grease the groove, rather than doing it spread out over a full day, I am doing them all within 40 minutes with 2-5 minute breaks inbetween and purposely not going to failure. Saving my energy for explosive pulling power rather than wasting it on bad reps to failure. Instead I go to failure on the row, and other exercises after my pull ups. I know if I went to failure on all my sets I would not have achieved 28 head over bar pull ups today, today was my best day and I am proud of my accomplishment.

[nathank77]

6/4/26

7:27 p.m

My hearing is def getting worse. Its very frustrating tbh. I dont really want to go into it. Its complicated to explain how much my brain misses information and how the aids only help to a certian extent. Also they dont look great... so I dont wear them as much as I should... but I do still wear them and i am talking about difficulties with and without them..

The whole having tubes sticking out of my ears isnt something that i have totally coped with. But I mean I wesr them at the gym and basically everywhere and I still struggle.

It sucks tbh. I love my new dip video. But I dont understand what he is saying. I hear, "rock," and thats about it other than, "Wayne's world." It sounds cool but i have no idea what he is saying. Maybe no one does its a weird versus.

Nonetheless my difficulties are everywhere from tv, to in person interactions.

I wish I had more people to physically talk to while my hearing is still acceptable. I am so lonely it hurts.

I feel like If I get injured I have to kill myself bc if I cant go to the gym i am a no body with no one and nothing. All I have is the gym.

[nathank77]

6/4/26

5:56 p.m

18 Months of consistency, determination, motivation, no quiting, no giving up, no feeling sorry for myself, no shortage of believing in myself and when I didnt- saying to myself, "Make it happen,shock everyone, including yourself."

"Don't give up"

I remember November 2024, doing the torso rotation for the first time and thinking, "if you keep doing this, just wait until you see how you look in a year or two, this time when youre at the gym things are gonna be different, youre gonna see results this time."

And I didnt believe myself lol

About my pull ups and the muscle up, all my brain keeps saying is, "dont give up."

[nathank77]

6/4/26

11:21 a.m

That "annoying guy," who makes me take progress photos strikes again.

I didn't start the gym to change the way I looked. I started the gym and stuck with it bc when I saw calisthenics athletes perform, I said, "its not about what you look like, its about what you can do and one day that'll be me." And guess what? I haven't achieved it all yet but I was right, it isnt about what you look like, its about what you can do but these are the good old days right now. Appreciate every moment of your climb, bc what makes your first pull up special, is all the biceps curls and lat pull downs you did to get there, what makes a perfect set of 6 pull ups specials is watching your TERRIBLE pull ups that you never gave up on for months despite them being terrible, that you kept going anyways. Whenever I feel like I'm not making progress I go back to the beginning, when I couldn't do one chin up, when I couldn't hold a l-sit. Today I can go to the gym, do a l-sit, do chin ups, do pull ups, do dips, air walk. I can do almost everything that I put on my goals list and its all because I never gave up.

18 months of consistency looks good on me.

[nathank77]

6/2/26

7:56 p.m as I get better even though there def is a decrease in performance... I expect all my pull ups to be explosive rather than just chin to bar.... I expect constant improvement. One more rep. Earn 6 for 4 sets continually. Earn 7 next week. Earn 8 next week. Can we just make it 6 explosive pull ups every set?

7:54 p.m "we are going deep and we are going hard," call of duty modern warfare (look it up i can hear it) my dips were deep rom look at them.

Today was a bad pull up day. I mean, it wasnt really bad, it just, I always have one funky set idk why everytime no matter what. I do 6 sets. One is always funky.

The other 5 were okay-ish. One was very few reps. I didnt have many explosive pull ups today....I had about 1 good-ish set.

Last time I had a few good sets.

But let me tell you idk what i was doing differently and I've been trying to figure it out but for about 3 or 4 different days at the gym before this platuea or decrease in performance i was making miracles happen...

I noticed in hindsight sets look better when it was last week's or whatever... but thats not totally true bc when I go back a month and a half ago OMFG I was terrible all the way around.

Obviously my bad pull up day was nothing like a month and a half ago. Its just its more than a platuea. Its a decrease in performance.

At first i thought I was undertraining... but my performance seems slightly worse today than last time which was BEFORE I did more sets...

Idk if its my diet. Or other small variables like tying the fucking resistance band on it and trying to get the grip right.

I mean when i look at my sets today. The funky set had a few really nice explosive pull ups but it was funky. One set was like 5 reps with like 3 explosive pull ups..

One set was truly pretty good. The other three were okay... getting the resistance band on just right is challenging and can effect my grip and inturn effect my pulling.

Maybe I'm overtraining now? I'm not sure. I know i was undertraining but i might have dialed up the intensity and volume too much..

Either way those like 4 different days- 7 head over the bar pulls up were almost achievable not through every set but it seemed like it was gonna happen...

Now its like 4 or 5 really nice ones are guaranteed for at least 4 sets... But the rest are all downhill.

Looking back at my really bad pull ups i see how far I've come despite having a decrease in performance, and obv I acknowledge that hindsight sets look better than the current ones but I am not sure these will..... other than the one...

But my neutral grip is starting to get symmetrical. My dips are beautiful. My pull ups are def better and not bad by any means... but I hate that I am suffering a decrease in performance and i want to combat it... I stopped chin ups entirely bc i think they were causing a funky forearm issue tbh.

But I need to appreciate that my bad pull up day was significantly better than what they used to be. That i get to have a pull up day.

I need to appreciate that i can grab any bar and lift myself off the ground.

When I first did neutral grip, I mean I wont post the set bc of the asymmetrical pulling but... I just grabbed it and my head was over the bar about 6 times.

I can basically grab any bar and lift myself up.

I'm a complete failure at the front lever for whatever reason. Appearantly my 5 second hold was a one time thing sadly...

But I need to appreciate that even at a decrease in performance, my weaker pull ups are getting higher.... they truly are.. and I'm sure I'll get back to those great sets eventually.. I wish I could figure out what caused the decrease.

Nonetheless I'm lucky I can go to the gym and do what I love. Even tiny bits of progress matter.

Today was a bad pull up day if you saw the content and compared it to a few weeks ago but if you compared it to 6 weeks ago my bad pull up day is me being hard on myself.

At least my dips were absolutely pristine and beautiful

[nathank77]

6/1/26

5:51 p.m

If we really shared a deep bond like i think we did, then I hope one day you'll be here. I dont think you will. I can't.

I have been going out of my way and talking to more people ingeneral and I still feel empty... yea its bc i lack a romantic bond with someone.

But its more than a romantic bond.

I lack a deep bond with anyone. I believe platonic bonds can exist. Id say i have had them but i was high. Nothing counts if youre high.

Infact since I spent most of my life high maybe i have not bonded with anyone. May be not even you.

I hope you dont define me as what happened to me in 2023. I hope you see the real me. I hope you see me on YouTube.

I hope you see how far I've come.

And I hope you know you knew the drug addict version of me. If you ever walked into my life youd be meeting an entirely new person.

I wonder if you realize that. No one has truly known me and thats a sad reality. Bc i was high/a drug addict for 20 years. And now that I'm not, i dont know anyone.

[nathank77]

5/31/26

2:06 p.m

Lalo Salmanca is hot af. I hate mustaches. I just hate them idk why. I always have same with gotees...

But somehow lalo is hot... and I realized its bc he SMILES constantly.

Smiling makes people more attractive. I should smile more often bc i like never do but I'm always sad and lonely.

[nathank77]

3/30/26

6:19 p.m I am done ranting it and I feel good that i finally admitted the truth. It was actually an ego destroying mistake. So ego destroying i had a hard time accepting it myself and it made me give up. But yea i added a lot. If you read it when I first posted this I changed a lot of it and added a bunch of shit.

I'm finally gonna say it, it hurt my ego so much and it was truly a mistake and when I realized it i couldn't cope with it. So I stopped trying and didnt want to admit it.

When I thought i was doing explosive pull ups on the curved bar.... it was sadly just the camera angle.... I switched the camera angle bc i could guarantee that no one would walk in front of my camera and that same day I did "explosive pull ups," and i really thought I did truly. And for a couple weeks I thought i became pull up king....

And then I started to think isnt it weird that I switched camera positions from a side angle to an underneath direct shot of my back and from that moment I started doing explosive pull ups????

And then I did the side angle on the curved bar.... and it DESTROYED my ego.... and from that moment on i would only record it from the side angle... and I could never get my head high enough but the angle was always weird bc I placed it on the dip bar and it was crooked against my hoodie and the dip bar......

And i realized that I will only count full rom pull ups with a HONEST angle on the straight bar where my head actually goes over the bar...

So then I started recording on the straight bar with my honest angle.... and it broke my ego bc i sucked... and that whole time I truly thought I was pull up king, I really was terrible and the angle made it look like the smallest range of motions pull ups were explosive full rom pull ups...

i struggled with the grip on the straight bar and I was destroyed ego wise so I gave up... and focused on chin ups...

And bc i refused to do that awful crooked side angle on the curved bar for pull ups and bc I want to muscle up i just gave up entirely bc if I cant see them idc... bc if I cant see it i wont know how i truly performed.

The crooked side angle is the only option for chin ups bc underhand on the straight bar feels like i will rip my forearm bones out of the socket--- i will never try it.. ever.. gripping it does not feel natural..

I am working on neutral grip... but one shoulder pulls higher than the other.... way higher... scary higher.... another reason why recording for FORM is important... bc damn if you saw them youd tell me to stop... and I did but yea.

Then I overheard someone say someone added grip tape to the bar i used and i knew how to set up my recordng studio.... camera at a honest angle maybe too honest... maybe too high it might make some pull ups look lower than they are....

But nonetheless its honest and it will never make my pull ups look better than they are...

I didnt realize how much angle can affect the way a pull up looks.....

And once they added the grip tape I finally started trying at the honest angle....

And then they removed the grip tape two weeks later.... bc PF sucks....

But I decided to use resistance bands as a handle on the bar bc it stops it from being slippery........

And I kept going... and I am not 100% proud of my pull ups yet...

But as I look at other people's pull up... OMFG EVERYONE TAKES THE VIDEO FROM A DOWNWARDS ANGLE.

EVERYONE.

ALL THE VIDEOS ARE FROM A DOWNWARDS ANGLE.... THEY ARENT EVEN DOING REAL PULL UPS. THEY ARE DOING HALF ROM.

Its enlightening bc that downwards angle can make anyone look like pull up king when infact they prob arent even doing HALF A PULL UP.

[nathank77]

5/29/26

7:07 p.m I remember looking at everyone's pull ups and chin ups back in the day wishing I could do just one of their sets... sometimes I watch now and I think why dont mine look as good and then I notice, their head isnt above the bar, they arent going to dead hang, my pull ups are actually better than theirs are. Truly and I am not just saying that. With the exception of a couple people anyways... an old guy who does phenomenal full rom chin ups.. and the biggest primate at the gym who does beautiful pull ups that are perfect... but beyond those two my pull ups and chin ups are better than everyone else's... and funny enough I think anyone could do what I can do... bc at my gym a 70 year old man is doing perfect beautiful full rom chin ups and if you saw him at Walmart youd NEVER think he could do it but they are truly perfect. So you cant judge a book by the cover but 99.99% of people who can do a couple pull ups or chin ups their rom sucks. And once I used my judgey eyes on if those were my pull ups on their I realized I'm out performing 99.999% of everyone there.

Not much improvement at the moment for my pull ups but then I remind myself as I beat myself up for hitting a training plateau that not only am I combating the plateau by changing my regularly scheduled program up but a lot of people look at me and would love to just be able to do just one of my sets. A lot of people look at my average (in my eyes failure sets bc they arent good enough) sets as a goal.

And make no mistake the explosive pulling power of the first four are all I want for 10 reps straight but a month ago I could only do 2 at the beginning of each set. I can beat myself up all I want but pull ups are humbling. Humbling is the word and those first 4 are POWERFUL and I should be proud of them and my continued dedication, motivation, and persistence.

I wake up at 4 a.m and show up at the gym 4 days a week.

I dont stop.

I dont give up.

I keep trying even when I disappoint myself. Which sadly is more often than not.

But then i remind myself, that most people couldn't even do one pull up and you should be proud of how dedicated you are.

Thats the funny thing about working out you start to think anyone can just do what you do... but they cant. You got to work for it and thats why every step is something you should be proud of, even your failure.

Dedication and persistence is what matters. Youll never get there if you give up. And just bc something becomes easier bc you trained for months even years- it doesnt mean that its easy or less impressive. It just means youre amazing.

I see my dips, the pinnacle of perfection and I think anyone could do those with a 15 pound dumbbell inbetween their legs. No they cant.

I ask why dont I see more people doing pull ups, chin ups, and dips... its bc they cant do it yet.... I see so many people use the assisted machine with their knees on the pad... and yet I somehow think my pull ups arent good enough when they would kill for just one of my sets.

I had to look at myself from before things got easier to see how far I've come. My pull up progression is slow but I used to swing back and forth...

Now my core control is rock solid. And I can get about 4 full rom pull ups shoudlers to bar every set except the last two.... but 4 sets are like that.

I will overcome my platuea. To do that i must work hard increasing intensity and volume bc when i started doing dips and chin ups and pull ups i also decreased sets substantially and basically was only doing pull ups, chin ups and dips and throwing in some planche work.

I am now adding more functional weightlifting to my routine and putting planche training to once a week on one of my ab and leg day....

I trained hard today. I have sadly been undertraining.... doms will be bad. I have not worked my chest as hard as I want to. I will adjust my training as time goes on.

I think by adding more machines and increasing volume and intensity my pull ups will improve... I do a little back warm up before them bc I want maximum power.... but I added a little chest now. And I think doing more functional weightlifting after my pull ups and dips might bridge the gap...

I saw a guy the other day he could do three very poor pull ups. No head over bar. Poor rom... and as he pulled up and couldn't pull anymore he was using his legs... like trying to swim to the top... not kipping. It was as if he thought propelling his legs would get him up higher. He would kill for my "bad" sets. All the people with their knees on the knee pad of the assisted machine would kill to do one of the sets i did today.

I need to be proud that i wake up at 4 a.m and show up at the gym 4 days a week. I dont give up even though I am chronically disappointed with myself. But I shouldn't be.

I'm basically spiderman. Im a nerd and everything.

Sometimes i call myself Tarzan. Whenever people ask me about the gym i wonder why they think I would know... I forget if I am not the planet fitness guy.. idk who is. I am not a imposter and my progress is awesome.

[nathank77]

5/28/26

2:36 p.m but based on the scale I am getting fatter.

The other day I was out and a women had to check my cart and she was also giving me more food and she said, "I have some potato chips, if you want them but you dont look like you eat potato chips... you were looking at the labels and all that."

"You don't look like the type of person who eats potato chips," youre right i dont eat potato chips lol and I thank you for noticing my bod and saying that bc almost 100% of the time i feel fat bc of my pouch I so desperately want to get rid of...

And I mean the scale... I hate the scale...why am I almost 180 pounds????? I do not understand it.. my stomach give or take is fatter or thinner or the same. I cant tell. It depends on the time of day and what i ate.