The next right thing [Levi X grieving reader]
warning: sad, angst, fluff
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I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
We made our way towards the walls on horseback, an eerie silence fell over us all, the sky was clouded a deep depressing gray with rain pouring down heavily. Another failed mission. all those deaths, for what? my entire squad had been whipped out, one of them being my best friend.
If I had just been a little faster I could have saved them. Why me? why did I get to live? It should have been me. things will never be the same again, I hate this
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb
I would never see her smile again, hear her laugh, she had been my best friend for as long as I can remember, she was the strong one, she always defended me and what did she get in return? I let her die.
how would I look the parents of my dead squad mates in the eye and tell them their child died because of me? I can't. I don't have it in me
This guilt was tearing my very being apart. I joined the scouts with so much hope and courage, only to get slapped in the face with the harsh reality of it, this is a place where all hope went to die. this was like signing your own death contract.
I follow you around, I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
I looked at all the faces around me, they wore the exact same expression as me, even the more experienced scouts. I noticed captain Levi not to far on my right, he wore his signature stoic look across his features.
I wonder how he held it together so well, somewhere deep down he had to be hurting, after all, he was only human but even after losing his two best friends and his entire squad he still stood strong.
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
he must have noticed my staring as he turned, looking straight into my eyes, I made no move to look away, his eyes held so much pain, I could tell, he looked defeated, you both looked at each other with a mutual understanding, silently acknowledging each others pain.
you had only spoken a handful of words to the man but you had tremendous respect for him. you admired him deeply. he was the first to break eye contact as he focused his attention up front. we had now reached the gates.
My gut wrenched in fear, I felt sick to my stomach. we were scoffed at and belittled. If only they knew what it was like. I kept my head down eyes looking forward, blocking out everything around me, everything sounded distant, barley able to make out any words.
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
It didn't last long as my horse came to a halt, a person stood in front "you're Malcom's friend right? (y/n), do you know where he is?" I gave her a blank stare, my throat felt like sandpaper, unable to utter a word.
She furrowed her brows "where is he" she said in a more serious tone. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. images of my squad mates mangled bodies flashed trough my mind again, I couldn't formulate a response as shame and guilt tormented my heart.
by this point she was becoming hysterical "where is he?! weren't you supposed to protect him?!" she cried. I had nothing but his cloak, I handed her it with a heavy heart, unable to look her in the eye
she began yelling profanities at me as I continued on my way. Levi still rode beside me, he had stopped as well and watching the whole scene that had just unfolded. there wasn't anything that could be said to make the situation better but in his mind she didn't have to grieve alone.
he had been watching for a while but he never made a move to talk to her. she wasn't like most people, she usually kept to her self, always around some other girl, like they were attached by the hip, they were polar opposites, this made her more interesting,
it was like she hid in her shadow, no one seemed to notice, but he did.
And do the next right thing
We continued to walk in silence for a few moments until I just couldn't hold it in anymore. "I'm such a coward" I said, barley above a whisper. tears brimming my eyes "I feel so sad it hurts" I whimpered
Levi watched her with deep sorrow, he understood her pain, he also understood that there was nothing he could do to take the pain away. "I know, but you're only human, not a coward" he paused giving her a more steady look "it wasn't your fault" he said softly.
your eyes widened slightly, tears now steaming down your blood stained cheeks. "I could have saved them" she said. "you tried, their deaths weren't on you but you can give them meaning, their memories lay within you, carry the torch"
I was speechless, his words really stuck with my heart, I gave him a grim nod. riding in silence again for the rest of the journey.
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I dismounted my horse wincing slightly as my joints ached. I trudged towards the stables, petting my horses main softly, removing the saddle from her back. I left her some food and water before making my exit
I didn't get far as I bumped into toned chest, almost knocking me off my feet. I looked up to see the corporal looking down at me, I gave him a tired salute, all my energy drained from my body "sorry sir"
he waved me off. "just call me Levi" it brought the smallest hint of a smile to my face. "just call me (y/n) then, not cadet" he gave a soft smile in return. he turned on his heel as I followed not far behind
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
"do you mind if I stay with you for a while? I just don't want to be alone right now" I don't know what came over me, I was never one to be so straight forward, we hardly spoke but I felt safe around him "I could help you with paper work, or clean, I just don't want to think about things right now" I sighed, looking down at my boots.
"of course" he said as we continued to walk. "and you don't have to do any chores, we've done enough today" he continued still walking
my mind wandered back towards my best friend, the last words she ever said were 'help me' I felt another pang of pain in my chest, my bottom lip trembling. this isn't how it was supposed to be.
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for
Levi held the door open for you, upon entering you were impressed with how clean and tidy it was, you heard the door click behind you, Levi disappeared into his bedroom, giving you some time to wander around.
His desk was well organized, papers and pencils aliened perfectly, you couldn't fight the urge to turn them squint, smirking as you did so.
you shrieked, turning round to punch the corporal right in the chest out of reflex. he stood there unfazed. you paled "o-oh I'm sorry sir I didn-" he cut me off "Levi" he corrected "right, yeah.. Levi" you blushed ever so slightly. you noticed he'd changed out of his straps and blood stained clothes.
he looked good, better than that. you didn't let your mind linger for long as he passed you some folded up clothes "go get changed into them, once you've fixed my pens" he said in his usual monotone voice.
you scoffed, giving him a defiant look, leaving the pens a mess, you swiftly shut the door behind you. he stood there looking at the closed door for a moment with amusement in his eyes.
Just do the next right thing
It is all that I can to do
His room was absolutely spotless and I mean spotless, his bed sheets didn't have a single crease. his room smelled like mint and tea, it was relaxing. you unfolded the clothes he had given you in your hands, a t-shirt and sweat pants, not bad.
I removed my straps then my bloody ragged clothes, relieve washing over me as I headed into his bathroom to take a shower. washing away todays trauma
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
you stepped out into his office with your hair damp and disheveled. he looked up at you from his desk chair and had to do a double take. his clothes hugged your figure perfectly.
you walked over and sat in the chair across from his desk. why was he doing this? why was he being so kind? I didn't deserve this. I should at least try comfort him as well
"are you okay? .. after everything today?" I asked softly, playing with the hem of his shirt. "no, we all lost someone dear to us, and I know you have today as well, I'm sorry" he said his voiced laced with sadness.
I looked down into my lap, tears brimming my eyes yet again. "how am I supposed to carry on without her? she's all I had" you whimpered, attempting to wipe the tears away from your eyes. Levi was by your side in an instant, he extended his hand out to yours which you accepted. standing up to face him.
you were the only person in the survey core whom was shorter than the captain. you gazed up into his eyes as he heled your small trembling hands in his.
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
"You're not alone. you'll always have someone" he mumbled into your hair, pulling you close to his chest. "who?" you asked in a shaky voice, clutching his shirt.
he pulled away placing his pointer finger under your chin, forcing you to look into his eyes.
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
you felt your heart swell with a new found hippieness. your eyes darted from his lips then back to his eyes. he smirked, wrapping his arms around your waist, he crashed his lips onto yours, you melted into it instantly, wrapping your arms around his neck
you both battled for dominance but you eventually gave in, letting him win, he pushed his hand up the back of your shirt, softly scratching his nails across your back, earning a shiver and a soft gasp of surprise.
you broke apart as he wore a smug smile while you blushed profusely. he kissed you one more time on the forehead as he turned around, your hand still in his, he led you both into his bed.
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
You laid with your back pressed comfortably against his chest. his hand laced with yours. "Levi, don't leave me" I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere.. promise you'll never leave me" he said, his voice low as he buried his face into your soft hair.
"I wont" you smiled, bringing his hand up to kiss it reassuringly. he pulled you closer into his chest, "I'll make sure you don't" he mumbled into your hair. you smiled once again. feeling nothing but love and safety, it wasn't long before you drifted off into a soft slumber in the warmth of Levi's embrace.
maybe you could be each others salvation. he would protect you no matter what. is this what love feels like?"
And do the next right thing.
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this is a song from frozen 2 but it just hits different when you're high, oops, hahaha. anyway, i hope you enjoyed!
prguitarman
origamiaround
romaincrisis
