I once stood face to face with a 10 year old boy who I’d known since Kindergarten, who held out a pinky and asked me “are you in this?” A friendship. A promise that to some people is super juvenile. But to this day as a 27 year old woman, I hold very dearly as one of the most important and binding moments I’ve experienced. Even so young, I had trouble accepting myself. I was someone who spent a fair bit of time feeling invisible on the outside looking in, and then you came along and you made me feel worth having around. You saw me, and didn’t care that I was the odd one out. You were so social and quirky and loved by many different groups. You introduced me and said “ This is Sarah and she’s going to play with us, too.” We got into so much trouble with each other almost as a competition, to see who could end up in Ms.Moses’ office the most. One of my favorites might be you pooping next to the substitutes desk who made me cry by saying I had a big head. By you I was always included, and you then gave me the lifelong confidence to see myself as someone worth knowing. A lesson you never forget. You went off to different school districts, and our friendship became one for AIM instant messenger and emailing back and forth. Nightly phone calls that lasted until 3 a.m talking about everything under the sun. Going for drives in your truck, and having the last time I was physically with you having you say “ We made it to Senior year, Sar. Can you even fucking believe it? So many plans and were sooooo broke. So hear me out, I’ll purposely get hit by a Doritos truck, and with my lawsuit winnings we’ll finally make it out to California.” We laughed our asses off for the night coming up with the most ridiculous ways to become millionaires. Mostly involving one of us getting theoretically hurt.
Little did I know, a month later, I’d get a heartbreak no billions of dollars could fix.
I lost you a decade ago. You took your last breath a decade ago. At 10 years old I stood face to face with my best friend. We were a decade old. And now it’s been a decade since I have seen your smile, heard your voice, or been given one of your “ category 5” hugs that took the wind right out of me. I still need you. I still hurt for you. Wish for the opportunity to see who you would be today.
But I welcomed you into my heart, and you will stay there always. All the advice, fun, acceptance, love, and loyalty.
Anyone who meets me, meets parts of you. Because I pass on your kindness and your willingness to be there for anyone at the drop of a hat. With your eyes I see others on the outside and always include them.
I am better for knowing you. & because you existed, I learned what it was like to be chosen and wanted.
Because you were alive, I am too.
I don’t know how long my forever is, but I will keep your fire burning brightly for at least that length of time.
Thank you. For everything. I love you, Cole.
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