Ten Years Later
My final post on my "personal life depression blog" was in April of 2015.
It's ten years and one day shy of three months later: 30th July 202
Progress Report: the person who had inspired these feelings of unworthiness - my ex-lover, Deekoo L., aka "Spiky Caterpillar" on the site formerly called Twitter but which was given a big "X" mark as its name by an insane fascist who is the world's richest man...something he did in defence of "free speech" and then promptly changed its algorithm to put posts critical of Donald J. Trump in lower line of attention for "spreading negativity". At this time of writing, about a month ago Mister Elon Musk and his Dear Leader pal (who he helped push into victory in the tragic 2024 election, along with his sycophantic buddies in Congress and other places in the government of the United States) have descended into a hissy fit, which seems to be ongoing, at least until Trump kisses his white immigrant ass again by propping up his Tesla and SpaceX companies. Anyway, Deek's last post there was a few years back. Deek and I remained friends, with him mailing me a Barrington Bayley book from Finland where he now resides, in 2019. This was his final contract with me. By 2019 I was no longer in ego-death over him, and had set my sights elsewhere. I was going out on casual dates with someone else, plus I had, and still have, a deep sister-like friendship with a wonderful fellow cat lady, Crystal. However, Deekoo L, now "Spiky Caterpillar" ghosted me completely
During the pandemic, from 2020 to 2022, I wrote to his girlfriend Gegi at Hanako Games, asking after him, even sending her messages to send to him. To protect his privacy all she would tell me is that he was alive. He once thought I was a suicide risk over his leaving me, to the point of wanting to leave me sooner than he did because of this terrible emotional bondage he had felt like I was holding him in. I regretted this for many, many years. I told him as much but I don't even know if he actually read anything I've emailed to him, or sent to Gegi to give to him. I suspect she may be doing her own jealous fear reaction to him over m
I was also taking a lot of drugs, including lots and lots of methamphetamine through the '00s. I became literally allergic to this substance around 2013. The last time I used it was once in early 2014, at which time my intolerance for meth was confirmed and since then I've avoided using it at all. That was 11 years ago.
I not only don't blame him for leaving the wreck of a person I had been in the years he was with me, I am VERY GLAD he did, for it gave him the bravery to emigrate to Finland before the United States slid into MAGA rule, and closer to textbook fascism all the time. If he'd stayed with me, he may have never left San Francisco
Plus he was programming in Python for Gegi's datesim (and beyond) games...and this made him happy. I haven't seen his name connected with them in the past few years so I don't even know if he's doing that. I don't even know if he's a "he" anymore...he'd always been gender fluid which was one of the qualities he had which I found appealing.
He just for whatever reason will not share anything about his life with me. Once in a while, it pains me all over again, that he rejected my friendship, not JUST my status as a lover, and once in a while, he ends up in my dreams, like once or twice a year, and I'll try once again to contact him. But this is just as pathetic as how I behaved when thrown aside as a lover.
If he thought I'd kill myself if he left me, he was wrong.
He's just as dead though, in this ghosting, as if HE had committed suicide
My life goes on but I am in more pain over the frightening loss of democracy here in this country. Emotional personal pain is just drama. This is REALITY.
