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This is a warning: I am not the type of person who should be followed on this app, please don’t explore my posts I promise you won’t find anything you’ll like…

I promise watching, or scrolling, or playing anything else would be a better use of your time

To all the the late night perusers out there drink some tea, maybe turn off the multiple screens, get offline for a bit..

To everyone else have a great morning, evening, or afternoon, and fuck off

I don’t ask much from you but normal shit you should already be doing and I know that relationships can’t be viewed through a contractural lens all of the time but WHAT DO YOU DO FOR ME!!!

You don’t support me financially or even pay for half the shit in this relationship, I’m the one who works

You don’t domestically support us I have to remind you incessantly to do chores that you should already be doing weekly on your own

Your definitely NOT my moral support considering how you bitch and moan when I ask for affection

SO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DO YOU ACTUALLY DO FOR ME???

I keep justifying the time and effort I put into fostering this relationship and I can’t find what I want from it I hate saying things like this but I COULD do better considering how you treat me

Im trying my so fucking hard not to be controlling, manipulative, or abusive, to cherish you and I don’t see any of the effort returned, you leave me wondering if you hate me, your not a good partner to me, and I don’t know what to do with myself because I don’t want to leave you, but sometimes especially right now I don’t want to be loved by you because it just feels fake.

I know for a fact you know that I’m crying over you AGAIN right now and you don’t care, cause if you did you’d actually stop being such a wimp and talk to me about it

I wish you’d just leave me already, then I’d know there’s actually an end to how much this hurts

The only thing I wanted was to be clean

You would think when you ask someone if a towel was clean they’d actually give you an honest answer

When my eyes fail and I can’t see something I relied on THEM! and they let that filth touch me

Im so fucking upset and I can’t say anything or I’m the bad guy….

I wanna go home

Im covered in it,

RIGHT AFTER TAKING A FUCKIN SHOWER TO CLEAN MYSELF

I grew up in a horrible unclean environment, it scars still etch my skin, all I wanted is it off hut I don’t even have another fucking towel

I can’t wipe it away its stuck to me and I’m supposed to act like I’m fine

nbena

The motherfucker still hasn’t apologized

He’s pretty upset with how passive aggressive I’m being but I’m not stoping till he fuckin clocks it and apologizes

I could just tell him to apologize but then it wouldn’t be authentic by then I’ll probably have alot to apologize for too but idgaf and ig thats just the energy Imma be bring until he grows up and stops acting like a child

nbena

Tbh I’m not gonna let him forget… its toxic but so is hurting people and not fuckin apologizing

The motherfucker still hasn’t apologized

He’s pretty upset with how passive aggressive I’m being but I’m not stoping till he fuckin clocks it and apologizes

It hurts.

This pain is far deeper than emotions like sadness, hate, anger, or shame could leave on one’s heart.

I love him so much and it hurts all the more for it.

A piece of my soul was injured and I will continue to carry this pain for a long time.

I keep trying to forgive him but it just hurts more but if I can’t it might break my relationship…

I hope he can keep loving me but he’s to cowardly to even say I’m sorry so I don’t have much hope

All the same I would give up anything and everything for me to have all his heart…

I hope I don’t feel like this tmr

These feelings eat at me so often

I hate it.

I wish I could just fold into myself, over and over until I disappear

Im exhausted, stressed, and angry

In retrospect my problems are tiny but they are a huge burden to me

It doesn’t feel like people respect my peace of mind

No one treats my worries like the seriously debilitating problems that they are

I just want some inner peace but all I feel is hurt and anger

I am not mentally in the right place right now. I don’t really ever think I was stable but this is the furthest from it I’ve been in a while. I want to fix that but I don’t have the luxury. Talking about it doesn’t help, I just feel more ashamed, stigmatized, broken. My tears feel like acid but I can’t escape. Theres too much I have to do first.

It’s all too much. So much all the time everyday. I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water and I’m one of the privileged ones but I hate it. Feeling like your world is falling apart while it is actually falling apart lends to my cynicism and confusion.

We all struggle for a lie. The propaganda spread through every form education takes. The one dimensional reality we were spoon fed. We as the children of this generation were promised the world, and given the same task as every generation, to make the world better for the next generation, and our predecessors want to murder that promise right in front of us. They want to eat the cake then lick the plate so we can’t get any of the crumbs.

Why is the ‘real world’ look more like a how to guide on climbing a ladder then seeing how fast you can pull it up behind you. Nothing about this culture should be normal. It’s rampant with sin. I don’t believe in any religion but sin I believe in. What is largely known as the seven deadly sins permeates modern day societies like the plague.

…

More to come, hopefully

Why can’t I work smarter

Why can’t I be more motivated

Why can’t I be more productive

Why can’t I be more

I want to be

Its not for lack of trying

But I’m not steadfast

I can’t maintain a schedule

I can’t be self sufficient

I can’t be more and I want to be but I can’t

I try and try and try and all I do is fail

At school

At work

In my relationships

In my health

In my finances

In maintaining my space

In doing tasks

In motivation

In productivity

In hygiene

I wish a better version of me existed

One I could be proud of

One that people liked

One that was respected

A beckon of wisdom for others to turn to

Just… something better…

But I’m just a disappointment

I’m not even enough to be considered an outcast just a side character…

I work and then go to school

and then work and then school

and then maybe sleep then back to work then school

over and over and over

and over and over and over

and over and over again

and all I can think about is how much I hate working

and going to school

and sleeping

because no matter what the nightmare never fucking ends.

I hate all the normal aspects of just being alive, why does it suck so much, I’m just starting out and it already feels so fucking hard to keep going AND I have to so this for another 40 FUCKING YEARS like god I’d be lucky if someone put a bullet in my fucking head, how anyone finds enjoyment in this fucking hell hole is astounding!!! And everything that’s supposed to be easy is made a thousand times harder by fuckers for no reason!!!

I want to set myself on fire out of frustration.

There will be more but I don’t have time to bitch cause if I don’t work on the most boring assignment in existence I won’t get to fucking sleep tonight thanks to the fuck ass professor who decided at 6pm to make an assignment usually is due on a sunday do a DAY EARLIER and I HAVE WORK TOMORROW!!! ALL FOR MONEY I DON’T EVEN GET CAUSE I HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS FUCKING CLASS!!!

Could someone hit me with a truck

Pls

Preferably soon

As in rn

I am retarded cus calling myself neurodivergent would genuinely be an insult to the autistic community…

Im so stupid I feel sorry for everyone around me and no matter what I just keep fucking up

I wish everything could just stop feeling so hard but it’s not that everything is hard it’s that I’m so fucking stupid that I can’t operate without looking like a fucking dumb ass

I am ruining not only my life but the lives of all the people around me because of how much of a nuisance I am.. I just wish I was competent…

I could get my associates this semester if I was better…

I could get better grades if I was only more studious..

I could’ve won that bonus from work if I was smarter..

I would have had my own place by now if I was more responsible…

I could have a better relationship if I was more patient..

I could get the approval I want from authority figures if I was more aware…

My life could be better if I was better…

But I’m not.

I want to prove my dad wrong but he’s right… I am a failure…

I want to be better than my mom but I’m not.. I’m just as crazy, lazy, and irresponsible as she is…

I wanna be better, if only my brain wasn’t smoother than a stone I could make something of myself I could be a pillar of knowledge and support for those around me but all I’ll ever be is in peoples way otw to greatness.

I wanna put a bullet in my brain

I love creating and the characters I made but it’s so hard to feel proud of them nowadays..

I used to write characters pain to lessen my own, I’d let them suffer so that I felt my suffering lighten but now that feels empty none of that was to help them grow or transition them into being better people

It was all to make me feel less bad about what I experienced, I know there not real but as a creator I feel bad about it because if I had a creator I’d hope that they’d have some higher purpose for making me suffer so much…

I feel myself changing as a person more the older I get, I just don’t want to lose focus on what’s important to me and why I’m with the person I love, and learn to love the new person there becoming just as much and more as the person I loved before

Nostalgia is a poison, it makes me wish for what I had before but that’s why it’s the past it can never be the present again so I need to push forward with what I have now

It’s not too late to stop stagnating, I’ve been in a long stage of stagnation, depression, and martyrdom but I want to move forward even though all I expect from my future is pain and suffering but I can’t go back and I can’t die cus people here still have need of me so might as well help each other keep moving forward, to protect what I love, so I won’t be left alone, to improve what I already have

And hopefully my reward will be satisfying enough to lessen the constant desire to put a bullet in my head

Sometimes I hate,

Hate is ugliness, it’s pervasive and all consuming,

I hate the people close to me,

My peers, friends, family, and those more significant than can fit in those categories,

Why? I don’t know,

They make me feel tired, more tired than if I hadn’t slept for a week,

They make me feel stressed, more stressed than an abusive relationship,

They make me feel small, like I don’t matter, like my thoughts, emotions, and pain don’t matter, I want to be considered, consideration is the way I feel love and I don’t feel considered very often, I just have to go with the flow,

They make me feel overwhelmed, in mind, body, and soul, stripping me of my peace, eating away at my optimism,

They make me feel pain deep deep pain in my heart, that makes tears burn against my skin, pain that I want to go to sleep to avoid, wounds I don’t want to acknowledge,

They make me resentful, for all the times I tried to convey these feelings to no avail, for the nights I’ve spent crying instead of sleeping, for all the weight that I feel on my shoulders, for the alienation and suppression of my experience and emotions due to there discomfort, for what I’ve lost so they could gain, for the discomfort I’ve endured for there happiness, for the selfish and inconsiderate actions that follow every interaction,

These relationships just make me wanna shut myself off to the world,

But some combination of love, loyalty, loneliness, nostalgia, empathy, consideration, and pain…

Keep me from pushing anyone away..

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