When I was around seventeen years old, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. The road to getting diagnosed was difficult. Puberty affects everyone differently, and it just happened to hit me like a ton of bricks. I was an emotional time bomb. I could go from calm to rage in no time. I'm embarrassed to admit that sometimes I would even behave violently. It was these instances of violence combined with the guilt and feelings of being a burden on the people around me that eventually led me to seek help. I hated myself, but I also knew that the things that I hated the most about myself could be changed. Through therapy I learned how to communicate my emotions in healthy and positive ways and I also learned better coping mechanisms.
Over the next decade I slowly developed habits that helped me live a happier life while removing the habits that were not so helpful. I quit drinking at age 24, drastically reduced my intake of caffeinated beverages and started eating more balanced meals. I also re-discovered my love of running and began participating in 5k and half marathon races regularly. Eventually I even went back to school to become a personal trainer.
Despite my healthier lifestyle, the depression is still always there, lurking behind the wall of healthier living and positive energy I've built. It's like a wolf, waiting for the brick wall to turn to straw so it can blow in and wreak havok. Like everyone else, I sometimes have trouble keeping up the healthy habits. I get too busy to make a healthy lunch, so I find myself at McDonald's during lunch breaks. I have a hard time finding time to commit to exercising for an hour every day, so I stop entirely. That's when the depression finds the cracks in the wall and comes barreling through. I have mood swings and once again start feeling like I am just a burden on everyone around me and like I am giving nothing in return. Deep down I know that these feelings are more in my head than anything else. Convincing myself that I'm just being ridiculous is difficult to do when I'm in this state.
I'm writing all of this to remind myself and anybody else reading that bad days, bad weeks, bad months, and even bad years will happen. We can regain control though. How this is done is different for everyone and the process may be slow or quick depending on the individual. Just remember that a bad day, week, month or year doesn't mean that you have a bad life. The people around you don't think of you the way you think of yourself because we are our own worst critics. We need to take care of ourselves, because whether you know it or not, you are the world to someone.










