need u most

"if a writer falls in love with you, you never die"  https://www.ebates.com/r/SAAMMM3

[needumost]

he lit too many cigarettes and cried for death to take him I guess it makes sense why the home I built out of him couldn’t protect me from the storm that was him

you don’t get to decide that you didn’t hurt me

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no one told me that boys who looked like hell spoke like it too

this is your warning

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I tend to fall in love with broken people, with people I feel I can fix somehow. I think that will always be my greatest weakness.

broken boys don’t want to be fixed, they want to break you instead

[needumost]

1. The first time I kissed you, it was barely a peck. You made me nervous but in a good way like no one had before. You laughed and told me it was cute. 2. I tried to sleep over at your house but your mom caught us at 2am and sent me home. She never liked me much after that. 3. The waiteress at Olive Garden shot us snobby looks when we both only ordered chicken gnocchi and water. 4. We drove around town blaring an old Drake album and belted our hearts to the second verse of track two. We must have played it a thousand times. 5. I went down on you for the first time in the basement bathroom with our friends in the next room. 6. You left town for two days and I swear I have never missed a person so much. I could feel it in my bones. 7. You snuck out your bedroom window to meet me in the jeep. We parked and I should’ve been scared of getting caught but you always had a strange way of calming me. 8. You started spending so much time at my house we had to buy groceries for you. 9. We skipped class to have sex and when we came back I swear everyone saw it on our faces. You got me my first detention that day, but it was worth it. 10. We went to a water park and you screamed like a little kid on all the slides. I had to hold your hand. 11. We took a three day trip and shared a hotel bed with dingy white sheets. I fell in love with you there in that poorly lit room.

11 things we did when we were 18 @needumost (via needumost)

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I tried to fill the void you created tried to quiet the space of missing you but I somehow was always left feeling even emptier than before

baby come back

[needumost]

I never thought I could find myself in somebody else's words, but hello!, here I am, reading your posts, I just, I just love your words, love it, it may sound bad, but I love your ''tragedy'', you're suffering and your words just are so real and beautiful, I am in the same situation as you're, I was wondering if you have a good very very good tip on how to move on??

This is my absolute favorite compliment to receive, thank you so much!!! And thank you for letting me know other people are going through the same thing.. It helpsNow as for moving on, it’s a work in progress for me.. I have started multiple works on it but can never seem to finish them bc I’m good friends with this boy and don’t feel completely over it still. In fact, I don’t know that I ever will be. Part of me will always love him. However, I am better than I was. I don’t cry over him anymore and I don’t let him dictate my emotions. This was not an easy thing for me to get over though. I did it by first telling myself he wasn’t worth it and that I was so much better without him and deserved more than he could ever give me. It took a bit but eventually I believed those words. After all why would I want to be with someone who could hurt me so bad. I also got better by doing things for me again. It’s hard to adjust back to life without someone I know but learn to love yourself and your alone time. If there was a shirt you didn’t wear bc he didn’t like how it draped off your shoulders or a place you didn’t go bc he didn’t like the atmosphere or a food you stopped eating bc he didn’t like the taste on your kiss, then start wearing it or go there, eat it! Do the things that make YOU happy. Whatever makes you smile. That’s how I got better. I stopped living my life for him and started living it for me.

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tell me you hate me tell me you can’t wait to be rid of me tell me i never meant a thing to you and then tell me it all once more with your head between my thighs

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“did you mean it when you said it?” she questioned “yes” he said “everytime.” she sat quiet a minute, as if to take in his response before asking, “even last night?” “even last night” he said looking away to hide the tears welling behind his green eyes. “then why can’t you stay? I need you to stay!” she wanted to blurt out. but instead with clenched teeth and water racing down her cheeks she replied “me too. always.”

the “L” word - @needumost

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I fell in love with you when you weren’t looking. From the way your body twitched every night as you fell asleep to the way you pulled me closer in the groggy mornings. With the way you genuinely belly giggled when you were truly comfortable in a place or with a person. And how you would absent-mindedly scratch my head while we watched countless Adam Sandler movies in bed on Saturday afternoons. When it was just us two and you couldn’t help but sing a little everytime your favorite song came on the radio. With the way you wore a baseball cap backwards and how you looked from my spot in the passenger seat.

But mostly, I fell in love with how you loved me when I wasn’t looking. @needumost

I don’t know how I feel about this one yet, but here it is…

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we could have been good maybe if our timing was better maybe if your mother loved your father or if your father loved you maybe if you could hold your alcohol and me when I needed it maybe if you didn’t need to be high in order to be happy and if I wasn’t scared of falling or so easily bruised maybe if you called more often and if I didn’t hang up when you did maybe if I told you I loved you when I knew I did maybe then we could have been good

I still don’t believe I’m supposed to go through this with someone else @needumost

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Day 1 I cried so hard my mother was scared to leave me alone. She called me from work every hour to hear me breathing. Day 2 I only left my bed to go to class. Your best friend said you love me more than I’ll ever know. Day 3 I was finally able to eat a meal without heaving it (and thoughts of us) up ten minutes later. Day 4 Another girl said you asked her to hang out. I lost it right there in the middle of class. Day 5 I laughed without you today. Day 6 I cuddled with another boy but I couldn’t fall asleep in his arms. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes dry at 5 am. I miss your arms. Day 7 I posted a picture with the boy. You liked it and it made my stomach feel like knives. Day 8 I typed a text to send you saying we’re not pregnant but I deleted it. It’s stupid but I wish I still had you to celebrate with. Day 9 I didn’t think about you today and I swore I was cured. I think my mind was just playing a cruel trick on me. Day 10 I wore a dress to school and you paused in the hallway to turn and look at me. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Day 11 My brother asked me how many times I’m going to listen to the same song. He doesn’t know it’s your favorite. Day 12 I wore your t-shirt to bed. It still smells like you. God I would bathe in that smell if I could. Day 13 I opened up to my friends finally. No one can make sense of it. No one saw it coming. I wish I saw it coming. Day 14 I went out of my way to drive past your house tonight. It gave me a feeling of safety, like the way I used to feel with my head on your chest. Day 15 What shade of green are your eyes? I promised myself I would never forget them and god here I am. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Day 16 Picked up the phone to call you before class. I forgot I couldn’t do that anymore. Who’s supposed to calm me down in the mornings? Day 17 I wonder who you call now to calm you down on nights when you can’t sleep. Day 18 Somedays the doubt overcomes me and hangs in the air like a dark cloud. I think maybe you never really loved me, but then that makes the least sense of all. Day 19 I brought your things back. You told me I looked like I was doing well and I know it upset you I didn’t turn to look back. Little did you know I left and went to our spot where I cried until there wasn’t a dry spot on the front of my shirt. Day 20 I heard you replaced me and it scratched at my scars but I didn’t bleed. Day 21 This was a stupid poem about a troublesome boy who held my heart in his palm and who loved me and who destroyed me. But I don’t need you to be happy anymore.

they say it takes 21 days to break a bad habit - @needumost

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the first boy who loves you will have holes in his jeans and spend his money on all the wrong things. he’ll have green eyes like you’ve never seen before and they’ll pull you into him but he’ll hide them behind his moppy hair. he’ll tell you you’re pretty and you won’t know why you’re doing it but you’ll give him a chance. he’ll say all the right things but you won’t fall for him at first. not until after he kisses you goodnight on the second date and you aren’t able to see straight for days. and by date three you’ll know that no matter how hard you try not to you’re going to fall in love with this boy after you hear him laugh and it makes your heart smile. the first boy who loves you will come from a world totally different than your own. your friends will tell you he’s all wrong and pick out flaws that you’ll see as beautiful. they’ll shout that he doesn’t belong as he tries to find his way into your world and be closer to you. and some nights he’ll call you to come pick him up and lay with him until he falls asleep. you will. and this big tough boy with tattoos on his left arm will cry in your lap because his mother doesn’t understand him and his father could care less about him. and this will change you. it’ll make you sensitive and you’ll want to hold him forever. the first boy who loves you will be the only person to put up with you. you’ll take everything out on him and he’ll stay through it all. he’ll call you baby when you’re angry or by your full name when you’re sad and he will try to fix you. and when he realizes you can’t be fixed, he won’t run. even when you push him to the edge and scream for him to go, he’ll stay. and you won’t admit it but staying is exactly what you’ll want him to do. yes, the first boy who loves you will stay through it all. that is until he finally realizes how in love with you he is. then he’ll run. he’d rather hurt himself than give you the power to hurt him. he’ll break both of your hearts at the same time and the last thing he’ll tell you is how much he loves you but you’ll already know this even if he didn’t. you’ll have felt his love every minute of every day since the first time he kissed your forehead three weeks into your relationship. and you’ll love him back, oh trust me you’ll love this boy so much it’ll make your heart ache. but you won’t tell him, it’ll all hurt too bad.

a stupid letter to the beautifully stupid boy who will never know just how much he meant to me ( @needumost )

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1. You were on the phone with my brother and I played our song in the background, just loud enough that I knew you’d hear it. 2. I kept in touch with your best friend. Every few days I’d text him something stupid, hoping he’d tell you about it. 3. I started wearing skirts to school. I hate them but I know they’re your favorite. 4. I never deleted my favorite picture of us off my instagram. 5. I went to my special spot more than I usual do, the one only you know about. 6. I started being late for school, knowing maybe you would be too, hoping we could walk in together. 7. I painted my nails white, you always told me to do them white. 8. I stopped listening to music in the car, you used to yell at me that it was too loud anyways. 9. I kept your shirt but leave it on my closet floor. I don’t want your scent to fade away.

9 ways I tried to tell you I really fucking miss you @needumost

[needumost]

1. The first time I kissed you, it was barely a peck. You made me nervous but in a good way like no one had before. You laughed and told me it was cute. 2. I tried to sleep over at your house but your mom caught us at 2am and sent me home. She never liked me much after that. 3. The waiteress at Olive Garden shot us snobby looks when we both only ordered chicken gnocchi and water. 4. We drove around town blaring an old Drake album and belted our hearts to the second verse of track two. We must have played it a thousand times. 5. I went down on you for the first time in the basement bathroom with our friends in the next room. 6. You left town for two days and I swear I have never missed a person so much. I could feel it in my bones. 7. You snuck out your bedroom window to meet me in the jeep. We parked and I should’ve been scared of getting caught but you always had a strange way of calming me. 8. You started spending so much time at my house we had to buy groceries for you. 9. We skipped class to have sex and when we came back I swear everyone saw it on our faces. You got me my first detention that day, but it was worth it. 10. We went to a water park and you screamed like a little kid on all the slides. I had to hold your hand. 11. We took a three day trip and shared a hotel bed with dingy white sheets. I fell in love with you there in that poorly lit room.

11 things we did when we were 18 @needumost

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11:42 pm you ended our relationship and i swear my whole body went numb

12:07 am i broke down in my mothers arms, she spent the next two hours in bed with me

6:55 am woke up and prayed for it to be a bad dream, mother made me stay home from school because i couldn’t hold it together

9:01 am dragged myself out of bed and sobbed into my coffee out on the patio

10:12 am started my favorite movie (ironically the same one we watched the first time you came over) it took me over 2 hours to finish because i kept pausing it to cry

12:21 pm sat at my window and cried for twenty minutes while i watched and waited for you to come down the road and run up the driveway on your release.. but you never came

1:34 pm my mother came home on her lunch to check on me and attempt to shove food down my throat

3:09 pm i swiped your cookies from the pantry and chucked a few across the yard

8:31 pm i haven’t cried in over three hours and i’m not sure if it’s denial or that i’ve simply run out of tears

-( @needumost )

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In autumn I met a boy who looked at me like I was the moon and the stars. He told me I was beautiful and grinned when I uttered his name. In the winter I fell in love with a boy who called me his girl and told me he would never leave. He kept me up at night because the real world was better than my dreams. His arms fit perfectly around me and his laughter filled the cold air and warmed my heart. In the spring I was destroyed by a boy who no longer saw the night sky in my eyes. He couldn’t keep his promise to me nor his hands to himself. He asked me to not be so me and left when I didn’t comply.

This summer I learned to love myself. (@needumost)

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don’t call me if you meet another girl with the ocean in her eyes, but they just don’t compare don’t call me next time she leaves you and you need my shoulder to cry on don’t call me when you’re drunk and you think to dial my number because I was the only person who could ever sober you up don’t you dare call me if you stay up all night until the sun rises and remember that we had planned to watch it together, don’t call me when you roll over and sleeply mistake her golden locks for mine please don’t call me when you get an invitation to my wedding some day don’t call me, it was only to spite you and when she asks why you’re losing your mind I hope you have to tell her every detail of us and I hope it tears you apart inside to admit you lost the only person who ever gave a damn.. and then when it does don’t fucking call me

I’m better off without you anyways (@needumost)