Wow you are such an amazing person and I wanna make you feel better and tell you how important you are and even though I'm just a whisper in the past, I want to write a story in the present.
I want to be your friend, I want to be anything you would like me to be, shove me away if I'm being stupid or hug me if I'm not being weird. Obviously nothing stays the same and time moves on and I have a stupid habit of crashing everything in from different angles being awkward and weird. I want to throw my heart out to you, even though it doesn't repair things, doesn't reset time.
I wanna step behind you, not block the way in front of you, I want to tell you why I left that night. Why I did what I did. But the secrets have been buried and burned and only dug up when my soul is at its wits end.
I don't know how to not say things without it coming off weird because of the past. I just want to tell you that you're fantastic and perfect and talented and lovely. I wanna wrap you in a blanket and hold your hand and tell you everything's okay even though I could feel like the world is crashing in around me.
I wanna drunkenly yell at the sky that you deserve the world and that someone, anyone, worthy of your time deserves to give it to you. I wanna make you feel comfortable and safe and I want to not be so fucked up.
I'm not trying to flirt , I'm not trying to pry , I'm not trying to be awkward and stupid but I'm selfish and stubborn and to see you upset by someone would make my blood boil.
I'm so sorry I'm so stupid.
I'm so sorry I did everything I did.
I'm sorry doesn't cut anything I know
I'm sorry doesn't fix something that happened that fall many years ago.
I want to tell you you're lovely
But I'm too scared to lose you by being so open and weird.
I can't say any of this to you
Because every time I dial, just to think 'okay. Just check in, make normal small talk'
My mind flashes to everything I could've said, should've said, and didn't say.
I'm sorry I listened to the devil that had been on my shoulder , I'm sorry I left.
I just wanna go sit in our spot, talk all night long, I wanna see your smile and your pretty eyes and I wanna walk the streets with you again and pretend I'm a younger teenager.
I wish I'd never gone to that con that year that began the disaster.
But I'd go back to the con in the spring anyday, to feel happy again,to feel human again, to meet you again, to never even have thought about the summer convention that tore me apart and fucked up my mind for years.
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