la llorona

My name is RaeJeana and you should pronounce the first part like “Rage.” I accidentally swear a lot and I think “teeth” is a good word. I’ll scratch your head and let you treat me like your safe place if you tell me that you'll stay. If you have to leave, though, leave quickly.

[negritaestrellita]

For the better of five years, this blog is has been my longest relationship, my honest mirror, my safe place.

My relationship to it within the past year has shifted, substantially. I’m afraid to express specifics about my life now. I’m afraid of how archivable the good and the bad of it has become to people who have hurt me. I hate knowing that someone I loved and trusted is appropriating my emotions, no matter what they’re doing with them. I hate how self-absorbed that sounds.

I’m playing with the idea of making a new blog, but until that happens, I hope to establish some better habits. I hope to spend some time away from the computer, taking photos, picking up any of these abandoned instruments scattered about my room, writing in a journal, recording poetry, getting comfortable in different art spheres, trying my best to not want to die.

I’m not deleting this blog just yet. I want it to be available for me to look back on until I don’t feel I need it any longer, but, save for a future draft dump someday, I will not be making any further updates to this blog. I’ll be around to exchange messages and I’ll be likin’ yall shit, too. I’m on Instagram as sleepinglamb and on Snapchat as majinbuuthang. I’ll add/follow yo ass back if I’m not already. Message me for my number or Skype.

Until you get a follow from some mysterious blog in the future, don’t lose touch. Be easy, everyone. I love you.

P.S., shout out to Daniel for making me look 10 feel tall in all the pics he’s taken of me. <3

[jestereye7x-deactivated20210102]

[negritaestrellita]

A day of hands and plants, of light and spirit, of sweetness and melanin. Everything is magical when we’re together. You’ll likely never see this, and I kinda hope you don’t because I’m gross, but I love you.

*If you feel inclined to comment, please use they/them/their pronouns to refer to the angel pictured here.

[olliebryce]

❤️❤️❤️

[negritaestrellita]

There’s nothing malicious about giving thanks and accepting that someone just doesn’t fit into your life the same way anymore. There’s something incredibly damaging, however, about keeping them and remembering how they’ve hurt you and being in constant distress about whether they know they’ve hurt you or if they’ll hurt you again.

[negritaestrellita]

Letting go of people with gratitude is so much healthier, so much gentler, than holding onto them with resentment.

[negritaestrellita]

I trust the universe, and the universe trusts me; that’s why I have this life. I’ve been entrusted with it because I can handle it. Not every day is good and contentment is not stagnant, but even on those days - or those weeks, or those months - I can handle this life. 

[negritaestrellita]

👋🏿!

I aced my women & violence in Latin America final and that was one of my biggest goals this semester, but I never established a reward for myself. I think it’s going to be wearing lots of pastel and getting Channel Orange on vinyl. It will be my Good Thing. It will be a tangible item that reminds me, in times of hardship, that there is always one Good Thing to hold onto. I hope all of you have at least one Good Thing to hold onto, and if you don’t feel like you do, I’m glad you’re still here reading this. In any event, my inbox is wide open and I love you. 💕

[serpentine913]

Nate Carty + Human Form/Idle Lines + Photographer Tazaca + Chasseur Magazine

[latimes]

Baltimore is in a state of unrest tonight, with rioting and looting breaking out after the funeral of Freddie Gray, the man who suffered a severed spine in police custody and died this month. We’re covering the events live here.

1st photo: Baltimore police form a perimeter around a CVS store that was looted and burned. Credit: Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images 2nd photo: A youth who has washed pepper spray from his eyes walks near a building that caught fire. Credit: Michael Reynolds / European Pressphoto Agency 3rd photo: A man has his eyes cleaned after getting pepper spray in them. Credit: Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images 4th photo: A man shouts for calm as protesters face off with police as the CVS burns. Credit: Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images 5th photo: Police move a protester back. Credit: Matt Rourke / Associated Press 6th photo: Police fire tear gas canisters as protests move along Pennsylvania Avenue in Baltimore. Credit: Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images 7th photo: A police vehicle burns. Credit: Jerry Jackson / Associated Press

[activistnyc-deactivated20200530]

“This is not about one man. This is about structural racism in a country built on Black slavery.”

[sexfactory]

[ethiopienne]

how many times can this country demand that the rawest, freshest, sharpest of black grief alchemize itself into a sadness that’s ~palatable~ to the same people whose violence pierces our perennially open wounds?

[negritaestrellita]

Reminders, to the lover I am and the lover I want to be:

People change their minds and that’s okay, but don’t let them back in when they’ve changed it back to you. You deserve stability. You deserve certainty.

You know who waits patiently for people who haven’t been there for them? For people who don’t keep their word? Dogs. Dogs and you. Stop it.

Stop making excuses for people who do you harm. If they are as good as you believe, they will be accountable and apologetic.

The way they behave is what matters, not what they’ve said.

Your comfort is not negotiable.

Tell yourself that it’s okay to move on without closure. Most of the time, you have it anyway.

[negritaestrellita]

Lately, I’ve felt a bit of a dent in my otherwise upward groove and I realized that yesterday was a year to the day that I was raped by someone I considered a friend. He was a “nice” boy, a goofy guy who sang to me in Spanish on car rides, ultimately the person who taught me that a rapist doesn’t always have a hoarse voice and calloused hands.

I thought of driving to Dunnellon be nice to myself near a large body of water, I thought about turning off my phone, I thought about staying in and re-reading my favorite books from childhood. Instead I worked my ass off, was extra nice to everyone I came across and eventually ended up at the beach with someone who wouldn’t dream of hurting me.

I don’t think it would’ve been a bad move to drive to Rainbow Springs and let that waterfall pat me on the back for surviving a year, but I don’t regret forgoing that. I’ve spent a great deal of the past 14 months being so sad that my body didn’t feel like it fit over my bones and I’ve stepped away from my life multiple times because of that.

I was big on my traumaversary, bigger than the things that have hurt me. I kept living my life, and I took time to be proud of myself for that.

*Please do not reblog this if you know me irl.

[negritaestrellita]

The sunlight could devour me if it saw fit, but it just kisses me, kisses me, kisses me.

[tearthatcherryout]

[negritaestrellita]

Valentine by Hsaio-Ron Cheng

If I could be a drawing for a day, man.