don't be a cop; please avoid being a snoop

humanoid mannikin made of spoiled tofu, angst, and thwarted ambition

[nemesissy-vent]

also just, don't follow us because we wrote that lol. we're going through some shit right now and a lot of it is targeted cogitohazard for specific people in the audience of that post

we are REALLY aware of that and. yeah no this is not a place of honor etc.

[nemesissy-vent]

like please do not be weird about us losing our shit about our bad relationship. we don't want people snooping or coming for her on our behalf as of what the current state of play is and this needs to be a safe space.

please enjoy whatever thing our subjectivity produces and *do not look to us as A Person To Read* because this has been a vent blog for us in crisis for like the last three years

and definitely do not reblog posts about how unhappy we are or what is happening. this is the crazy person going thru it platform you *know* how to comport yourselves deep down

anyway violate this and we'll block you. have a nice day

[nemesissy-vent]

and DO NOT READ THROUGH THIS BLOG IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW US

DO NOT SEND US MESSAGES

and JFC do not try to infer where we fucking LIVE

you are all presumably adults, you are behaving like fucking atrocious creeps, you WILL be blocked

[nemesissy-vent]

why do we keep expecting people who have already treated us like shit to be kind and good

[nemesissy-vent]

begged our ex for care and emotional support for three nights straight, was very careful to be like not to impose if you're free. he didn't give a straight answer any of those days about if he would be around and just left us unread at least one of those days. today we were very clear about needing help and then he was like oh sure when we said we would text later. he got back to us several hours later after we told him we had had several panic attacks saying he was on the train home presumably from plans, which: could he have told us he was busy tonight so we could manage expectations?

tbh last night we took so many drugs we thought we were gonna OD, this time not on purpose just because it hurt. we haven't told anyone because 1) who gives a shit 2) if we told him it might scare him off and we find fundraising for trash so so SO exhausting and he says he will start soon when his work schedule winds down a bit, plus also it will fucking kill us if he abandons us because of the suicidality a second time after being really heavy with the affection in ways that are. imindanger.jpg

we need help and care and we thought he was up for it but it's the same bullshit except it hurts worse because now he is what eighteen months into no precautions and very settled into a light party and drinking and screwing schedule we can't access. and so when he blows us off repeatedly it reminds us that we are less important than the fun we haven't had in six fucking years

fuck us. we kind of want to try again tonight because staying alive is intolerable

[nemesissy-vent]

also just. there is listening to comments with integrity

and there is 'I am going to keep changing my writing after I have hit publish and been yelled at so it's a Ship of Theseus where the final thing has no resemblance to the version that made everyone mad and there is no paper trail of all the horrible things I had in version one, from calling minstrelsy done with love to calling disabled women putting on the guise of womanhood to exact labor from the real women around them, so nobody later knows what the fuck I did that made everyone pissed, and if, if, I apologise it will be heavily laden with Why I Was Actually Right'

there is a readership threshold and a duration of leaving shit up that means you can't takesies backsies and be called a responsible writer and we think it's '+1k followers on any single platform' and 'two hours during daylight, overnight otherwise or in extenuating circumstances' and after that you need to show edit history

[nemesissy-vent]

hmm. certainly nothing bad can come of 'getting to reflexively misgender any non-binary transfem at any time because they have a wrong opinion, are on the other side of a fight, or generally have a bad attitude' being taken up by, let's see... oh. hmm. oh dear

[nemesissy-vent]

it should not take posting your HRT status and also nudes to get someone to go. hm sorry I misgendered you I guess ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

if it does that is not a sign of operating with care and should involve more than a glancing 'whoops' of an apology

[nemesissy-vent]

we're posting about it because that kind of shit fully destroys us. and because we have been angrily written out of our gender by other trans people regardless of what we did with our body and how we presented and it has damaged us enormously. and because we have got to see up close what being repeatedly written out of one's gender over two, three decades does to someone and it's Not Great, not for her nor for us

[nemesissy-vent]

also just. it could just be the women we know and are in intimacy with but lateral de/misgendering seems to be like *especially* damaging and hard to shake off

makes us kind of suspect in this case because we saw multiple people cite the Gender Confusion of the target it was not accidental! that seems especially bad!

[nemesissy-vent]

hmm. certainly nothing bad can come of 'getting to reflexively misgender any non-binary transfem at any time because they have a wrong opinion, are on the other side of a fight, or generally have a bad attitude' being taken up by, let's see... oh. hmm. oh dear

[nemesissy-vent]

OK. we think our uterus is calming the fuck down, and the ankle is ok enough to stand on. which means we're well enough to start getting trash together, which is good because it's getting gnarly in here

we could use $55 assuming the usual guy is free?

(hopefully this and probably next week are the last times for a while we gotta do this to pay a stranger a stupid amount- our ex is up for taking it on for cabfare and a snack, so $40/month, with some weeks he can't where we might have to do this stupid shit. but we're glad to have to ask a lot less and less often.)

that said, we also have a stretch thing we would like to ask help with, which is some money towards a [redacted civic institution we live near] membership? it's been hugely helpful with project Get Out Of The House 2021-2024 and we're hoping it will help this year, last year we got R to cover it but that ended up being a drama mess which made us feel shitty about it so. Not Her would help. that's like $75 but getting it to $40 or less makes it coverable by our budget / bearable debt)

so. $55 minimum, hoping for ~$95 but not gonna hustle for it

[nemesissy-vent]

OK so. paypal/venmo: viciousscuttlebutt

[nemesissy-vent]

gonna spam this because. we like having a little bit of money to cover the TaskRabbit before we book and we're flat fucking broke this weekend / won't have any money to put to it ourselves for a couple days.

we can keep waiting on it a day or two but the stress of being deluged in trash now that we're not just flat on our back from Ailments is not fun

[nemesissy-vent]

$33 so far! thank you very much!

sent a request for Tuesday and hopefully won't be jerked around

[nemesissy-vent]

OK. we think our uterus is calming the fuck down, and the ankle is ok enough to stand on. which means we're well enough to start getting trash together, which is good because it's getting gnarly in here

we could use $55 assuming the usual guy is free?

(hopefully this and probably next week are the last times for a while we gotta do this to pay a stranger a stupid amount- our ex is up for taking it on for cabfare and a snack, so $40/month, with some weeks he can't where we might have to do this stupid shit. but we're glad to have to ask a lot less and less often.)

that said, we also have a stretch thing we would like to ask help with, which is some money towards a [redacted civic institution we live near] membership? it's been hugely helpful with project Get Out Of The House 2021-2024 and we're hoping it will help this year, last year we got R to cover it but that ended up being a drama mess which made us feel shitty about it so. Not Her would help. that's like $75 but getting it to $40 or less makes it coverable by our budget / bearable debt)

so. $55 minimum, hoping for ~$95 but not gonna hustle for it

[nemesissy-vent]

OK so. paypal/venmo: viciousscuttlebutt

[nemesissy-vent]

gonna spam this because. we like having a little bit of money to cover the TaskRabbit before we book and we're flat fucking broke this weekend / won't have any money to put to it ourselves for a couple days.

we can keep waiting on it a day or two but the stress of being deluged in trash now that we're not just flat on our back from Ailments is not fun

[nemesissy-vent]

we have to redact where the membership is because it essentially does the thing of telling the internet what neighborhood we live in. which is what we actually mean by 'don't guess where I live'- obviously we're a Brooklynite, but if you try and suss out what part as a stranger that's a boundary

but having a nice place with magnolias and cherry blossoms in spring and bluebells right now and roses to go hang is huge for our mental health and too far to walk where our body is at but not too far to Cheap Cab

[nemesissy-vent]

OK. we think our uterus is calming the fuck down, and the ankle is ok enough to stand on. which means we're well enough to start getting trash together, which is good because it's getting gnarly in here

we could use $55 assuming the usual guy is free?

(hopefully this and probably next week are the last times for a while we gotta do this to pay a stranger a stupid amount- our ex is up for taking it on for cabfare and a snack, so $40/month, with some weeks he can't where we might have to do this stupid shit. but we're glad to have to ask a lot less and less often.)

that said, we also have a stretch thing we would like to ask help with, which is some money towards a [redacted civic institution we live near] membership? it's been hugely helpful with project Get Out Of The House 2021-2024 and we're hoping it will help this year, last year we got R to cover it but that ended up being a drama mess which made us feel shitty about it so. Not Her would help. that's like $75 but getting it to $40 or less makes it coverable by our budget / bearable debt)

so. $55 minimum, hoping for ~$95 but not gonna hustle for it

[nemesissy-vent]

OK so. paypal/venmo: viciousscuttlebutt

[nemesissy-vent]

OK. we think our uterus is calming the fuck down, and the ankle is ok enough to stand on. which means we're well enough to start getting trash together, which is good because it's getting gnarly in here

we could use $55 assuming the usual guy is free?

(hopefully this and probably next week are the last times for a while we gotta do this to pay a stranger a stupid amount- our ex is up for taking it on for cabfare and a snack, so $40/month, with some weeks he can't where we might have to do this stupid shit. but we're glad to have to ask a lot less and less often.)

that said, we also have a stretch thing we would like to ask help with, which is some money towards a [redacted civic institution we live near] membership? it's been hugely helpful with project Get Out Of The House 2021-2024 and we're hoping it will help this year, last year we got R to cover it but that ended up being a drama mess which made us feel shitty about it so. Not Her would help. that's like $75 but getting it to $40 or less makes it coverable by our budget / bearable debt)

so. $55 minimum, hoping for ~$95 but not gonna hustle for it

[nemesissy-vent]

so Rosza misgendered us Wednesday, she knew we had badly resprained our ankle Monday ass AM

we flagged we were sick and having food poisoning via signal display name two days ago, Thursday night

we didn't flag that we had attempted to OD to her because it increasingly means nothing

she hasn't tagged us or expressed care about the ankle or the misgendering much less the food poisoning

like real genuine ask if someone does that is that acceptable in a really close friendship or polyamorous relationship, to just not check in on someone who is hurt and sick and who you have emotionally hurt, under normal circumstances

[nemesissy-vent]

'when there is a pattern like that that is how the person wants it to be'-

it's really funny you say that because that thought has been in our head basically continuously over the last two three years of mistreatment shading into abuse-

and when we have said that exact thing, that it wouldn't be like this if she didn't want it like that, to her-

instead of taking that as an invitation to do something different in line with her desires, her values,

she has accused us of assuming what she thinks and feels, a boundary violation, and as she sees a vague messy zone of things as being that (some of which definitely make sense to us, some of which are really fucking scarily confusing), she gets to assert that we are repeatedly violating her boundaries

and then make the focus entirely on what we do wrong such that the initial 'how you are treating us is actually really harmful' becomes forgotten or impossible and she gets to withdraw for an indefinite amount of time until she is less angry. sometimes a month. in which if we make any emotional requests of her in that time that is framed as us making it harder to come out of the angry resentful space

which she told us after we told her that her treatment of us was abusive. six months ago.

anyway so somehow this pattern is not reflective of her real true wishes despite deepening and worsening for months and if we say that she has control here and therefore we can only infer this is from her wants we are engaging in a pattern of mistreatment and violating her boundaries and also interpreting her in bad faith

[nemesissy-vent]

saw a kink post about something that didn't seem safe practice and immediately saw a massive deluge of girls going 'need that'

hugely triggered. that's probably mostly because dependence play that involves actual temporary sensory loss that can't be easily tagged out of is hitting some bad shit

but also if it's a crew of people who are into heavy play but don't realise that *going to a bar* when one of you is fully unable to see and cannot undo this in a pinch is layering risk on risk on risk in a way a blindfold or earplugs (things other people can see and know are in play, things you can safely remove) isn't and sober spaces like dungeons etc aren't (famously a bar is a place where it's not just the negotiated free use people but everyone else getting weird about boundaries and where your tops / handlers might be getting drunk in ways you can't gauge)? red flag

[nemesissy-vent]

so Rosza misgendered us Wednesday, she knew we had badly resprained our ankle Monday ass AM

we flagged we were sick and having food poisoning via signal display name two days ago, Thursday night

we didn't flag that we had attempted to OD to her because it increasingly means nothing

she hasn't tagged us or expressed care about the ankle or the misgendering much less the food poisoning

like real genuine ask if someone does that is that acceptable in a really close friendship or polyamorous relationship, to just not check in on someone who is hurt and sick and who you have emotionally hurt, under normal circumstances

[nemesissy-vent]

I think there is a Tumblr Kid (also Reddit and YT but like. nice progressive people) tendency to forget that both people who are not flagging gay 24/7 but are in The Arts and also weird chuddy types probably know as much, at least as much, as a 24 year old with Blue Hair And Pronouns about gay life and kink and when someone is being coy or veiled that is usually not from ignorance or at least it is unwise to presume so

[nemesissy-vent]

this fallacy seems like it is related to

1) the presumption of young people that their cohort is the avant-garde of everything which. was stupid twenty years ago when you still had some younger boomers in middle age out being hot and sexy gay perverts and is extra stupid now that like some of the youth have elder millenial parents, I.e. the people who came to the middle of every party. classically even with the substantial and impressive innovations made by people born after 2000 being a dirtbag transsexual in a polycule using homebrew hormones was invented by Gen X, I don't know what to tell you

2) the really stupid idea that you cannot assume someone's sexuality or gender and to do so is a huge violation and parasocial or whatever. which of course is only true of non-normative gender and sexuality it's fine to assume everyone is straight. anyway most theater kids are Kinsey 1-3 and weirdly enough even other theater kids do not realise that the main difference between them and their friends and famous people is application and luck and sometimes family connections, these were once as you are (sucking dick at parties)

[nemesissy-vent]

to be fair 40 year olds sometimes also make these moves and that's when you've found a truly prime rib grade A sucker