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Notes From the Singapore Bus: Remember to stay true to what’s important to you. It’s important to rid your life of people whom act elitist and look down on others for all kinds of things. Seek other like-minded people more and more. Negativity and this kind of attitude is infectious, especially when you spend a lot of time around it. Don’t let it make you this way. Keep your mind and perspective open always. Know that there’s so much you don’t know, and every moment has something new to teach you if you let it. Realize this, then let it go and exhale.

Never ever forget how fucked up she made you feel. How toxic and emptying this person is. Absolutely never let anyone hurt you like this again. It’s not worth any bit of time. As far as I’m concerned you don’t exist and you never did.

Sydney Opera House

Back again, here at the Crescent Hotel in Beverly Hills. Here just a few months ago. I can’t escape the thought of you. The memories. Everywhere I turn I see your name, your face comes to me. I hear your voice in my head. Why must I live through this? Just when I was feeling on top of the world, and for all intents and purposes I still should be. I’m on tour yet again, about to travel between three continents with people I love very much, living my dreams. And yet, I still can’t escape you. I find myself feeling angry sometimes at the thought, just exhausted from the weight of it all. Its still hard to comprehend sometimes. It just doesn't feel right where we are. I want so badly to be okay. I want this to be over, but I know I can’t rush the process. So i’ll just keep busy and try to be present in all the beauty and ever changing landscape around me. But god damn, I miss you like a little kid. I wish I didn’t want you anymore, i’m starting to wonder if I ever won’t, or if i’ll merely figure out how to bury it enough to get on.

Still have days like today sometimes. A part of me feels broken for even feeling like this sometimes still. But I know, I don’t miss you. I miss the feeling I got when I was with you. I miss the adventure. How could I miss someone that hurt me so badly?

Sometimes. I feel this still.

That sense of community I feel with this new band is something else. Connected on wavelengths I’ve never quite felt. Without knowing any of them very well at all technically, yet there’s some kind of spark. Something unsaid. It’s so revitalizing. I feel alive. Surreal.

You felt like home. I wish I could know why. Your warm body, puzzle piece next to mine. I hate it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel anything for you anymore.

I’m on top of the fucking world. And this is just the beginning. Back from tour for a hot minute and oh hey I’m going to Chicago in 4 days and oh hey Minneapolis after that and oh hey Mexico Australia Asia LA and Europe. And oh hey we hit it off and we have just one night for now but I’ll be back soon. And oh hey why did I ever fall into a pit about someone that doesn’t care or suit me? I see now, you never deserved me. Lol don’t forget you’re on the path to greatness. This life is fucking wild.

Last show of this tour is tonight in LA at at huge venue. This has been an absolute whirlwind, and damn near flawless. Here’s to the start of doing more and more of what I absolutely love, with people and music I adore. It’s quite incredible to create such a strong bond with essentially strangers over a two week period. It’s absolutely surreal. Can’t wait to tour more of the world very soon <3

It’s been about 1.5 months. I’m writing from New Mexico, on our way to Meow Wolf for another show. I’ve been having an incredible journey, this is exactly what I needed. Im happy and busy, but I still think of you often. I think of the good time and the bad. I think of the many hours spent adventuring. I think of the sunlight grazing your smooth face as the pacific sea cast along the car window. I think of the puzzle piece of your body intertwined with mine as we lay under the stars. I still feel your essence; a feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know something isn’t right with you, even across many miles and days. I think of this, but I don’t forget the pain you’ve caused and the betrayal I feel. I’ve stopped reasoning the why and instead feel a sense of closure. Closure in the fact that I never mattered to you as much as you did to me. I was caught in a pit of self-doubt and confusion grappling with the pain of loosing my lover, my best friend. I may never understand, but that’s okay. I will always love you, regardless of what you’ve done or how you feel. And with that, I leave you to your own journey and I wish you the best years; I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

I have loved you for the last time Visions of Gideon, visions of Gideon And I have kissed you for the last time Visions of Gideon, visions of Gideon

danger

I'm leaving once again Making my own plans I'm not looking for the answer Or anything that lasts I just want to see some beauty Try and understand If we got to know each other How rare is that? All that space in between where we stand Could be our chance Could be our chance I'm walking through the scenes I'm saying all the lines I wish I could un-see some things that gave me life I wish I could un-know some things that told me so I wish I could believe all that's been promised me It's hard to say forever love Forevers just so far It's hard to say forever love Forevers just so far

I’m so happy I could cry. All is right in the world. Writing from Vancouver, and all the elements of this unexpected adventure are moving in the exact right way. New friends, new horizon. Stay ahead of the curve.

Nearly 18hrs of travel and I’m here in my cute Airbnb. 2 weeks ago I had no idea I’d be enjoying the crisp Pacific Northwest fall air rolling off the Puget Sound. It’s surreal. Walking the streets and exploring with an old friend. About to embark on another adventure, totally in my element of exploration and art. I got myself here, and I’m damn proud of that. Don’t forget this energy and confidence. You have everything you need.

Here we are. Sitting in an empty terminal in Houston, waiting out the three hour layover I have on my way to Seattle. It’s fall again, I’m off to hop on the road with a new band I’ve never met. I barely know what they look like. I feel restless. Unsettled. I worry I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and end my life. But I also know that the other side of the coin will be glorious for me. I have to power through. We’ve hit the cycle again, probably for the last time. I wish I could understand how you were able to switch off and depart. It makes the process so much more difficult, questioning everything. Every thing I felt or we felt. Was it even real? Did you ever love? I have to believe you did. I have to believe somewhere in there you care. The lie of it all would crush me. I wish we had been able to wade through the waters. I just want one person in my life to show up for once. I wish you could commit. I wish I could just not feel anything for you anymore.

I wish I still had my best friend. I miss you, I miss the journey.

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