i feel like the shittiest person on earth right now
when me and my boyfriend first got together, it was friends with benefits because i got really horny for him all of a sudden. i had an identity crisis because i didnt think i was into men but then i accepted that i was and also they came out as nb to me so all was well. then we started dating because it felt like more than friends with benefits. but to me it never felt like it did with my ex. but i ignored it and just thought eh we love different people in different ways, just because it doesnt feel like it did with ex doesnt mean its not love. and our relationship was great, we never fought, we communicated really really well and the few times one of us accidentally hurt the other we talked it out and fixed it. then we opened up our relationship. i said in the beginning id like it but that id be happy to do whatever they want. after a few months they came to me and said hey i thought about it lets have an open relationship. and then neither of us did anything with it for a while until a girl in my class (julia) started hitting on me. i wasnt really into her but went on a date anyway. still wasnt feeling it but ignored it. bf thought it was hot that i went out with other people but only they really had me so i was fine flirting with her despite not really being into her.
then i went clubbing and ran into isa, someone i knew from my apprenticeship but fell out of touch with. things happened, we made out drunkenly. all good so far. then isa asked me if i wanted to go clubbing with her again and i did and we made out again and it was great. but the following days i couldnt get her out of my head. i ignored it, thought eh its a little crush itll pass. felt a bit guilty about not doing anything against it but ignored it. then i realized how different it feels to look at isa and at julia and i decided to tell julia i wanted to stop our flirting bc i realized i wasnt actually into her. so far all is well.
just that today, on my way to meet up with bf, i thought about isa again. and i got this tingly excited feeling and i remembered how it felt like there were fireworks in my whole body when we kissed and how her hands were so soft and how it felt to dance with her. and i realized i havent once in our entire relationship of over a year felt that way about my boyfriend. when we kiss its nice. its a kiss and i like kisses. but theres no spark theres no NEED to do it again theres just nothing. me enjoying our kisses is purely in my head. i think oh its a kiss from the person i love, i enjoy it of course. but all the body feelings, the heart skipping a beat, the butterflies, theres just none of that. and there never was. and the realization set in that i am not actually attracted to my boyfriend and what i feel for them is a deep deep love - but sadly its purely platonic. and then they walked up to me and i pushed it away but the longer we spent together and the more often they said i love you and i said it back - the shittier i felt until i couldnt take it anymore and broke down crying. i didnt tell them why, i just said that im having a panic attack but dont really know why. i went home instead of going to their place to spend the night and told them that its because everything is too much and too stressfull and their home is still a place im not super used to and their uncle and stepdad are there so more people to be stressed by. then i called my best friend crying and talked it out with her. we came to the conclusion that the best thing is to talk to bf soon (on the weekend) and try to tell the truth in the least hurtful way. it still really really really sucks but its the only thing that makes sense. dragging it out for longer is only gonna make it worse (and as evident by today i cant be around them without breaking down from the guilt so not an option anyway). making up some other thing to break up is shitty too, first of all bc lying fucking sucks and secondly because i cant think of a single thing thats not "i dont love you and i dont think i ever will" thats gonna actually break us up and not have them trying to desperately fix it by talking and trying to find solutions through communication AND hurt less than the truth.
i just... i cant come back from this. the realization that i dont love them and never have is here and i cant ignore it anymore. and it means that this is over and done for and that i will hurt someone who is very dear to me in the worst way possible. theyre gonna have trust issues for years because having your partner of over a year tell you theyve never loved you or been attracted to you is not something you can just get over easily. that seeps into everything, their confidence will be destroyed, their future relationships are gonna be way way more difficult... i dont think i could trust anyone again for a long time. and its entirely my fault that theyre gonna get ruined like this.
i honestly feel like the shittiest person alive right now. this entire relationship only happened because i initiated it and now im ending it in the worst possible way. i feel so so sorry but also so fucking helpless. its done, i cant undo this and i cant make it better in any way. all i can do is be honest and hope theyll be okay again at some point.
also on top of all this fucking guilt about hurting my partner so much theres still thoughts about isa and about how im looking forward to seeing her again in 2 and a half weeks and its just making me feel even worse.
its not even that i fell for her or something, its honestly just a bit of a crush and the memory of a really fun evening but it makes me feel so so shitty that this little bit that is so insignificant in theory still 1. makes me feel more in love than my entire relationship and 2. is ruining my relationship and still wont go away.
i just feel really really really horrible right now
