@nervousndepressd - Tumblr Blog

filled with suicidal rage

i am so horrible and fucked up and awful and there isnt a good thing abt me i sped 70 miles an hour tn on a busy four lane bridge with no dividers hoping tht id die

i deserve to die i deserve to die some one should hit me with a car and pack up over and over and over until im just a pile of mush and blood i fucking hate myself so much i wont ever make anybody happy

i wish my ex would come back into my life and fucking kill me because i fucking deserve it i want to ask someone to stab me and beat me to death and tell me they never loved me and tht it was all a lie i wanna witness my funeral and have everyone laugh at what a gross ugly weirdo i was tht never got anything right

I FUCKING DESERVE IT!!! I AM JUST GOING TO RUIN EVERYONES LIVES AROUND ME UNTIL I HAVE NO ONE AND I EITHER TAKE ENOUGH PILLS OR BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT CAUSE I CANT TAKE DISSAPPINTING EVERYONE AND BEING SO GEOSS TO LOOK AT I DONT BELIEVE IT WHEN PPL SAY IM PRETTY ITS A LIE ITS GOOD ANGLES OR A PHOTO BECAUSE YOU DONT SEE THE REAL THING THE THING I SEE WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROS IS A MOMSTER ITS WORTH THAN ANYTHING ANY HORROR MOVIE COULD COME UP WITH I AM REPULSIVE AND DESERVE TO GET SQUASHED LIKE A WRETCHED BUG

i am duch an ugly stupid unredeemable loser, i will NEVER be happy and i will kill myself one day

i hate everything about me my body my brain my smile the way i walk what i vhose to do how i say hello

its all so pathetic and dumb, ive just got a big sign with me all the time that says "please like me!!?, im so fucking desperate and id do anything for another persons approval!!!!"

get a fucking life!nn have a backbone do things for yourself, you're such a piece of shit and i couldnt think of a good thing youve done if i tried, you're over it you're frineds are over it you're family is over it

KILL YOURSELF

i am so miserably disconnected from the world. i crav friendship and connection. i want to just be held for more than a moment. its impossible to ask for such a thing. i feel like i put up to good of a front. im so tired, so lonely, and so broken

i really really miss my family and itll never be the same without my sister there i wanna give up, i wanna jump in front of trafic i want to just die if i do i know my family would be destroyed. nothing would make sense idk how any of them would be able to heal, and theres just this awful weight on my chest all the time that i dont want to be here. be anywhere, i know being happy and trying is so worth it but it feels meaningless when i wont get to share my life with my sister like was supposed. ik im supposed to live for her now but rlly why? why did i have to go through this why did she have to die it makes no sense to me, i wanna hug my sister and tell her i love her so bad. i just want my big sister back i cant do this without her, she always knew what i needed, what i was going through. i didnt have to say a word

im sorry, sorry that i hurt u learning things i shouldve already known. i know u learned things through me, i forgive u.

first love trauma is barbed, im still pulling out thorns, while listening to music tht i wish didnt remind me of it all.

so much of me thinks about returning to the past, to save others, save myself

it hurts so so much knowing

i wish i wasnt hurt so young, tht i wasnt taken advantage of

that my childhood desire to hug and love those around me didnt warp, didnt faulter or break

tht i was strong and held my heart proudly and honestly

instead of protecting it like a weak and rabid dog, whenever a voice was raised

i lost my sister this year, it was the most brutal thing ive ever gone through

its had this awful awful effect pf bringing up my past, through memories and tears, of things i wish i did

of a life i live through replaying memories of what couldve been

its all a waste, ik i cant go back

im tired

im softer than ive ever been

goodnight

oh i feel so broken

i am so fucking sick of existing in this body

i dont want a new one, or a do over i just dont want to be here anymore i want to die so bad everyday and it never improves no matter how much i take care of myself i will always be unhappy with my body

i will always just be ugly and manish and unworthy of real love

i am just going to wait until my grandparents have passed away and my parents dont care and im going to kill myself im so fucking sick of it

I WISH I WAS PRETTY

its so hard learning how to love this city

everytime i do, its when im just about to leave and it makes it so painful

ive told myself im not letting anything stop me this time, nothing

not even this awful pit in my stomach i get when i know ill be separating my cats

leaving friends behind

family alone

i want it all to be easy but life isnt, i know staying here id just get used to it id get comfortable

i cant change unless if im stationary, every decision ive made led me here and thats gotta matter for something

ill make it alright, ive just gotta focus on the path ahead