it's the five year anniversary of my best friend's death and i'm coping via thoughts about brennan and grief.
sixteen year old brennan in foster care, facing the world alone and being so angry at everyone she's lost that she can't even feel the sadness anymore. furious at her parents for not protecting her. furious with russ for lying to her when he said he wouldn't let her go into foster care. furious at the whole world that she just doesn't seem to fit within.
brennan in her early twenties, graduating with yet another degree, and just feeling empty when she sees all her classmates parents hugging them and bringing them flowers. going home to an empty apartment to stare at the ceiling because it doesn't matter how incredible she is, it's not gonna bring anyone back to be proud of her.
brennan at 28 after finding her mothers remains. radio silence from her as she sits in her apartment trying to piece together everything she thought she knew about her life. staring in the mirror trying to figure out what parts of her are her mother, what parts are her father, what parts are real and what parts were lies. breaking the mirror in a rare moment where she just lets herself feel so angry at what the world has done to her.
brennan looking at baby christine and just crying. because part of her knows she would do anything to protect this perfect being, but the other part can't comprehend how anyone could leave someome they love so much. being so afraid that she won't know how to be a mother, crying and wishing she could just ask her mom for help.
brennan, burying her father, being orphaned for a second time over. despite knowing that she is so surrounded by love, feeling like the two people who loved her most in this world have abandoned her again. wondering what she ever did to deserve this.
brennan, trying to tell stories of her childhood to her children, but having to work through the haze and fog in her brain around every good memory she's ever had. realizing that every wall she put up is still standing strong, being so afraid that she'll make her children the same way.
brennan, refusing to get close to her interns for years after what happened with zack. no matter how intelligent, hard working, and truly brilliant they are, always having this feeling that something is going to go wrong and they will be gone just like him. finally letting her guard down and letting herself care, only for vincent to bleed out in her arms.
brennan, feeling a pit in her stomach every time she walks past vincent's plaque, the memories of his smile and the scent of his blood twisting together in her mind. the gnawing guilt that the best things in her life came to be the night he died.
brennan, who takes every change like its the end. who feels the changing seasons, her birthday, her friends new phases of life like everything is about to come crashing down. who looks around corners like a scared animal in case someone is coming to take another person away from her.
brennan, who feels like nothing but a vessel for grief some days. who, in a rare moment of self awareness, wonders how much more her body and brain can take. who feels more like a graveyard than a human more days than not. who spent most of her life feeling like a ghost.
