Keep Calm, Ski On

Alex. 25. Emergency Medical Technician. I kinda just blog whatever. East coast mess

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Rockford Common by Leigh Dorey

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It’s not too often that I get flashbacks from when I was addicted to drugs. This one in particular is keeping me up, and I’ve learned to do this thing where I write or talk about it to try and get my mind to shut up. This might be triggering to someone so… viewers disgression….

I was working at a pharmacy at the time.. guess you can figure how that was going. There’s a long backstory to everything but let’s just say for the sake of it, I was getting high to feel numb. I didn’t want to feel anymore. But anyways, I was working at a local mom and pop pharmacy at the time. Opiates we’re getting bad, but not to the scale of them having to be locked away yet. At this particular pharmacy, everything was alphabetical. I was starting to study up on drugs to see which ones did what. Even before my addiction, I was opening pill bottles, inspecting each and every crevice on pills that I could. I can still identify some pretty well to this day. I somehow came across fentanyl in my searches. I never knew how bad it was or anything like that, I just knew it was a class II substance and it was an opiate. Don’t ask me why, but I felt compelled to take a box of the patches one day. It was easy. The spot where they were had no cameras, I was busty for my small size (at the time, I’m very large now). I got away with it. I went home that night with my prize, and never got caught.

I don’t remember if it was the night I took them, or if I waited a bit before I decided to go on my little adventure with it… I ended up taking a box of 5 12mg patches and stuck all 5 on myself before I went to bed that night. I’m not sure why or how I woke up the next morning. What I did know is that I had to get ready for work. I also for some reason then ripped all 5 patches off of myself, took my antidepressant and decided that it was a good idea for me to go in. Haaaa joke was on me because I didn’t realize that antidepressants and fentanyl don’t mix and I puked alllllllllll over myself. 5 minutes before work began, I had to call out. My boss was pissed but there wasn’t anything that could be done. All I remember is trying to clean myself up and I drove back to my house and passed out for god knows how long.

My mom ended up finding the empty box. I can’t imagine the dread she must have felt when she found it. Being sober now makes you realize a lot. Well, you could say California sober, I smoke weed still from time to time. I unfortunately don’t think that will ever go away. But.. it was painkillers and Xanax for me. Xanax is one hell of a drug let me tell you. I miss it every day but there’s a good few months of my life I don’t remember because I was taking 6-8mg/day. People didn’t like me when I took it, and I apparently made a good ass out of myself a few times. I’ve taken it after my whole fiasco, but I was actually taking it because I was panicking due to working on a COVID floor in a hospital and nursing school (that I ended up failing out of).

Thinking back on everything, I’m really surprised I’m alive today. I just wish I didn’t get these feelings before I’m trying to go to sleep because then I have to write or talk everything out. This took awhile, but I feel better.

If you made it this far and can keep up with my thoughts, thank you.

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