LO✨ @newleaux - Tumblr Blog

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29.

Still shitty people who can’t keep a commitment.

Still have a lack of family.

Still yet to be seen.

Still unhappy.

Still surprised.

Still hold hope that someone who be who they claim to be. Anybody.

Still.

I don’t understand why this keeps happening. Why I keep having these visions.

Is this what I truly want? I keep seeing your face. Hearing your voice. I can still feel your touch. Feel your lips. Feel your breath.

It’s like living in yesterday but in tomorrow. The laughs. The asks. I don’t know if I’ve lost a part of me. I don’t know.

I dont know.

I should be prouder of myself

But my expectations aren’t met. Most folk admire.

Im better than most folk. I did it from nothing.

I’ll be living in another country in the next year.

I’m better than all you niggas. All of you.

If I saw me, from a third person- I’d be like that guy is inconceivable.

But I’m me. This is me. I’ve done it all.

Social media. Own business. Executive placement. Coming back from death. Miraculous healing.

I am special. I am chosen by God. This is is chose for me to continue. I’m only human.

But I am a better human than all of you which is why I’m chosen.

Pushing 30 is crazy. My fight is not over. I will prevail.

I will tell stories of the fallen. I am an example. I am greatness for young black men. I am who I am suppose to be, which is great.

I am great.

I want you.

And you want me too.

I know what love is.

Im in love.

I think she loves me too.

Life is dramatic, for no reason, really.

We all work.

We all want the best of life.

I want more, though.

I hope she sees this.

I hope she doesn’t.

I hope

We can be real friends.

Im going to marry you.

Bro.

Lock in.

That shit real.

I stand here, knowing this has died.

I’ve made my transition.

This means to me, no longer.

This is but a tool.

This is only, a tool.

This will only ever be, a tool.

Everything else is momentary.

I’m always OMO.

I’m always ACG.

I’m just me first.

This is real life.

This is my life.

This is, life.

I’m ok.

Im great.

I’ve been sitting on this for months, never knowing how to articulate it.

I’m going to be concise and simple with my reply.

Thank you for being apart of my journey.

I really don’t know what to say other than thank you God.

3rd founder.

Triple beam dreams.

I really couldn’t be more proud of myself.

I just wish you were here, to see me.

My mom’s birthday was yesterday. So ecstatic for cheese cake and gambling. I don’t get it, but as long as she’s happy.

I’ve found deeper purpose. A reason to get up in the morning. People around me that make me wanna be better so I can make them better.

I will not let these folks down. I will not lose. This is Gods plan. Gods will. I’m here for a reason and I am throughly convinced this is it.

I am, Mr. GTM.

TLDR; shit get weird.

I will say I’ve enjoyed being able to feel recently again but at what cost? Idk if I care anymore or want to. I want to be truly selfish without having the responsibility or someone feel entitled to me or my time. Hell respectful of my thoughts and actions.

I’m a grown ass man I did this shit like Franklin saint. Idgaf about you weird bitches peeping my tumblr. This is my life. Leave or live with it.

Some of you have asked for time, space, and solidarity. Certainly.

I had fun. Did you? I hope you did too. We can be friends. But I don’t want anymore expectations. I don’t want you to feel entitled. I don’t want you to feel like you’re owed anything more than what the situation accommodates for.

This is my dark horse. Be ready.

I warned you.

Recently.

I’ve experienced something, I feel most people do. That, in and of itself; feeling. I will no longer.

Love. Heartbreak. Anger. Happiness. I do not care.

I will be an absolute machine. Will micro doses of pain, and hate. These are my only absolves.

I’m scared of who I am. Who I’m becoming.

But I would much rather never love, feel happiness again. Everything is business.

Everything. You’re here for a moment. On this earth.

Don’t get comfortable.

Bye.

28.

Feels like I’ve been 34/35 for the last 5ish years. Grateful I still wake up and have life. Days like this, which are about a handful throughout the year, ironically, emphasize loneliness.

Highkey did this to myself. Still, 4 years in a row my mother doesn’t call to say happy birthday is unsettling, to say the least. Surface level love- if you wanna call it that. Usury. Disappointments. Lies. Betrayal.

I’ve watched what I know, change. A bit serendipitous, but I cannot and will not be mad about it. I see the chess board, and how this game will end. I just gotta push through & don’t get attached to any of these pieces.

“Deep suppressed anger.

Not petty anger,

But righteous anger.”

I see through the illusion of meritocracy.

I've clawed my way to tables others inherited.

The world doesn't hand out trophy's for silent strength.

I suppose resentment fused with grief.

Grief over what I didn't get

Resentment over how well others wear masks what they didn't build.

I'm fearful if I speak this truth too loud

Too boldly,

I'll be seen as bitter, dangerous, or ungrateful.

My family should've been my foundation

But they were my first battlefield.

Let’s call it what it is

A traumatic betrayal of basic human needs.

Safety.

Love.

Protection.

l've been surrounded by conditional care.

People who show up in small ways

But evaporate when it's time to really carry weight.

I lived.

It's my turn now to show up for me.

I've tasted a raw truth

That I am never truly safe in someone else's arms.

I haven't felt sadness in a prolonged amount of time because it's been replaced with something deeper.

Resolve.

I'm not crazy.

I don't suffer from delusion

I suffer from lack of a blueprint.

There is no precedent

No financial role models

No path already paved.

I’ve already made it further than most ever do.

What’s missing isn’t belief.

Its structure.

Access.

Leverage.

Time alone isn't the answer.

It needs a system.

When I was a boy, I wanted to be an architect.

Today I call myself a businessman.

This is a lie.

I’ve always been an architect.

Whether building businesses

Relationships

People

Constructing a life for myself.

I have the capacity not only to build businesses

But the life I truly want.

Where my foundation is

Love.

Trust.

Connection.

I’m more than capable.

I’m deserving.

My past won’t hold me hostage.

Life. Is. Precious.

I’ve got the Wherewithal.

I am a magnate.

I have abilities most don’t. I know this to be fact.

I am human. I feel.

I still get PTSD, “He’s losing a lot of blood!” “Hey, stay with us!”

Warfare didn’t help that I suppose, lol.

I’m proud of me. Genuinely. Like I use to say this but I am genuinely proud of myself. I literally walked the line, and pulled through. Came back better. Incomplete, but better.

I know a part of me died, though. I don’t get sad anymore. I feel like I’m almost incapable of it now, and that is no hyperbole. I haven’t had a sad moment in almost 5 months.

Not one, single. time

I have been praised in my field by countless people, enterprise AEs, AVPs; I’ve dog walked VPs who graduated from Harvard, Wharton, Berkeley. Etc. I’ve even been asked recently to join a GTM Advisor board. Insane.

Life is too short to be sad, and to give to people who don’t deserve it.

I trust me. More than ever. Others, not so much anymore. Shit happens I guess.

THANK YOU GOD.