End of a Marriage?
I feel like I'm coming out of the new born fog at almost 8 months postpartum with a dead marriage.
Yesterday was our 5 year anniversary and I started the day by phoning my husband to apologize for being cranky. What a fail.
I had traveled with our baby solo for the last week and a half visiting family and friends but wanted to be home for our anniversary. I had a 10 hour travel day and was exhausted, over stimulated and just being a general bitch. I wanted to acknowledge that I was wrong and hopefully move forward in a positive direction, apologies are new for me. My husband was receptive of the apology and admitted he had forgotten our anniversary.
I didn't have anything planned but bought some snacks for us and thought we could sit around the fire outside or have a movie night...just spend some time reconnecting with each other after some time apart. But that never happened, hubby came home with a pool thinking it would be a great idea for the heatwave. He then called his buddy over to help set it up. Once that got done he sits around the fire with me for all of 20 minutes before going in the garage to set up his new speakers and I went to bed.
I felt so defeated; how do we not spend our anniversary together, we haven't been on a date night since the baby has been born so I wasn't expecting that but I was expecting some attention maybe an orgasm, something....anything
I'm now spiralling; when did my marriage get so bad? Was it like this before the baby? Do we call it now before we hate each other and aren't capable of coparenting? Why am I jumping to the thought of divorce? Does he feel the same way? Does he feel like I pushed him away and now he's shut me out? How do I talk to him?
I feel like I've missed out on so much of my life with him because I've been focused on our child. How do people balance both?
I'm feeling very insecure and I'm not sure how to move forward. That's a lie. I know I need to talk to him and be vulnerable, but I'm terrified; what if his feelings for me have changed? What if he's shutting me out because he's done with trying?
Wish me luck as I try to get the courage to start the conversation. I'll keep you updated...















