JourneyofFaith

My hope is in You You are enough for me

[newseasonsnewchoices]

It’s recess week, but its the not the kind of recess week that I use to have. I think this season is really constantly a war, between me and everything and everyone else. It haven’t been easy, to do a 8-9 man project with only like 6-7 committed people. Furthermore, we are not that good at what we are doing. Honestly, why does everything feel like its all going against me. I guess its a way to show me how my attitudes and living goals have been and requires much changes. I think this pride thing is still in me, and like I never really got rid of it, like I still have it within me, to be successful, to not fail, to always meet people’s expectation, to make things happen no matter what. I know that this mindset is not of God, it’s not something that is good to have in my life. God’s have better plans, God wants us to live in freedom and not in fear of failure. The society in this day have shaped us to “Never lose, losing is not an option. Never fail, failing is shameful and embarrassing” and it have shaped me to want to be the best that I can be so as I will not need to meet up face to face with failure.

My desire to not fail have grown stronger than the desire of wanting more of God in my life. If this goes on, it’s going to cost me a lot more than just meeting up with failure. 

“For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows your going through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing.” - Deuteronomy 2:7 Going through the wilderness, but I need to keep my eyes on the Lord. He is with me and not against me. With Him, I lack nothing. Everyone is fighting with the devil in their own ways, in their own walk in this life. Choosing to let God fight for me, choosing to let God in to fight together with me in this fight against the devil. I am not going to choose to fight this fight alone, but with God. Allowing Him to walk me through this process of walking by faith and not by sight, finding hope in times of hopelessness, praying even when everything seems static. Reminding myself that God is working in my life that I can’t see with my own eyes, that I need to see not with my eyes, but through the eyes of God. Sustain me, provide for me, help me. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

My Prayer counts...

Every prayer of surrender, it’s a sign of faith and confidence in the Lord. Every prayer of thanksgiving, is a sign of knowing my God provides for my EVERYTHING. Every prayer for salvation, is a sign of catching God’s love and His heartbeat for His people.  Every prayer, is a sign of me knowing God is in control of EVERY part of my life. Every prayer counts and makes a difference, circumstance may not change, but something in my inner-being changes.  Every prayer matters to God, He listens to my every word, my desires and the cry of my heart.  He is the God that rules and reigns in my life.

Keep on praying, our God is faithful, so we shall stay strong in our prayer.

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Yesterday was really good.... I felt like we were back in the past, but this time round everyone have grown up, from teenagers to adults. It was a time of just being in each other’s presence, we don’t need to talk or say much stuff, and I know we were just enjoying each other’s presence.  Honestly, part of me wanted to stay behind for Campus Prayer yesterday, but it was a close to full attendance yesterday, I had to go... It’s always a constant struggle, church or friends or family? Some times, I wonder what’s more important, is one above the other? It’s a constant war between the different people in my life, who is my priority?

This semester is starting out rough, not how I expect it to go. Partially blind, blind and now back to being blurred vision. It was a time of fear, of not knowing, of living in darkness, and also in pain, not just physical but a little spiritual. In the darkest of time, I always look for God and physically in darkness, I just relied on God even more. He was my hope, He was the One that I place my confidence in, I love Him, I need Him and never ever am I going to let Him go, and He will never ever let me go. He knows what I need and He comes at the right time, filling my room with His deep deep presence. I knew He was here, with me, right beside me always, I just have to lean in towards Him and I’ll find Him.  Moving back into hall again tomorrow, much mixed feelings. I have a pile of work right in front of me, actually really unsure of how I am going to pull through this semester, I am lost, I am scared, I am confused at everything that is happening, but I am at peace. God will strengthen me, He is with me and He will provide my needs, I don’t need to fear, for I know who my God is. Let Him be the strength of my life this semester, God I let You take control. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Fill my life with Your presence

I open the doors of my heart Come in and let Your presence fill me Help me to heal the deepest pain and wounds of my heart, mind and soul I know You love me, but knowing is not enough I long for Your love to pour out in my life Let me not only know, but feel and experience Your love for me I leave the doors of my entire being wide open Waiting upon You to come and flood my heart

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Wow! I have never thought that I would have come such a long way. All I can say is God have been amazing. I felt like this period have been a season of assurance from God, a time of knowing and understanding God’s love for me, that He have and will always be working through and in my life.  From one after another of Truth Project, I realized how strong I am in this faith, but at the same time how weak I am in articulating my faith in words. This logical mind of mine I thought will never be able to overcome the fact of the death and resurrection of Jesus, have been able to come to a consensus of believing that He indeed have died and rose again, declaring that He is my Lord and Savior of my life. I truly feel like all these wasn’t possible without God. That some mindset that I thought was impossible to change, God changed them for me. And He did all the work without me noticing them.  Even as I continue taking this baby step to God’s purpose being fulfilled in me, I pray that I continue to stay strong and rooted in this relationship with Him. I never ever want to let go of this, and I know God, You will never ever let me go either. Help me, Guide me, Lead me in Your truths and teach me. For you are the God of my salvation, On You I will wait all the day. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

This camp have really been different, I would say different in a good way. 

Before it even started, honestly, I felt nervous and really quite sianz. The knowing that I have to spent 3 days socializing with people, I felt like I will really die there. But like I prayed, I prayed that I will head into this camp with a heart of expectancy that I will meet with God, and that God will speak to me. The first 2 days were rough. At times of worship and services, I answered like all the altar call. It was like something that I don’t think I would have done. But I did anyway. But throughout the 2 days, there was this feeling of unrest in me, as though I knew like something was going to happen on the 3rd day. And lo and behold, it happened. That very service of being Gripped by God’s purpose, it hit me, and it hit me hard. Times like this the normal me will be hiding some where, like go toilet or like just avoid the altar call, whatever it is never will I answer it. But this time round it felt like if I do the same, it won’t be right anymore, it felt as though God was saying, this is another chance and like God’s telling me not to stay hidden and wants me to stop running away from Him. Up till now I still wonder where did that faith to raise my hand from Full Time Call came from. It was easy to run away, but I chose to raise my hand and accept that call. Why did I even do that? Trust me, I still feel like a joke for raising my hand, HAHA!!! But I guess, whether the call was real or not, I felt like it was a step out into a greater level of faith. At the altars, I cried and like Delia prayed for me, I guess like it was quite a moment for me, part of me heard God said “Stop resisting and running further and further away from me but let it sink in, take courage, plunge deep in me and follow me”. For me it was a moment of relieve and release, a moment of that felt like my heart telling me it is finally done, the burden was lifted. That was when I felt better in camp, I felt as though I am enjoying myself in camp.  Final service, was a service that I didn’t expect, one that I thought I will not answer to the call. But I did. A call to take up ownership of the cell, a call to commit ourselves to the carecell. Cell have always been a place of fear, of worrying, of not able to trust. But when I saw, almost each and every member in the cell went forward, I too went forward. No that wasn’t the only reason why, but I really vision our cell to be one, one of many member, of many different parts of the body, but coming together to form a complete body, we complement each other, we build up on each others fire, we keep each other’s fire burning. So God, I thank You, for working deep in each and everyone of our heart, we all felt that touch from You, we knew You were there with us throughout this amazing 3 days in camp. Lord, help me to remember, help me to be open in cell, that may we built relationships, to not just share the joys and things of the surface but really our sufferings, our disappointments. May this be our prayer Lord, to grow in You and through every cell meet up we get to know You more and more that we go to cell hungering to meet You. With this, I lift up the entire cell into Your hands. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Maybe slightly sianz...

Its Campus Camp tmr, still remember how this going/not going ordeal of Campus Camp caused me to had one of the greatest fall in my relationship with God. Not sure if I am looking forward for tmr or not. Just let God lead and see how it goes. But really expecting something from God. Though slightly affected by what just happened, but I guess everyone are kinda like that. Just going to be focusing on God and nothing else right now.

[newseasonsnewchoices]

It’s been an interesting week

Summer break have indeed been a break, a time of having fun with friends, a time of rest and really a time of seeking God.  Maybe leaving the wallet with Deb’s wasn’t a mistake, but it was God’s will. To wake me up and remind me of my purpose in life. Honestly, after that talk, I have been spending more time praying, spending slightly more time in His words, reading and meditating on them. Maybe this Christian life isn’t for me is no longer something I can say. Cause I have given my life and been born again already, there is really no more turning back. 

Baptism was just a step so that I can no longer turn back and run even further behind from the long way I have come. This weeks prayers, readings have revealed to me many things, my sins in life, my wrongdoings, my inability to give control to God and really trust God. It have come to a point of me asking myself, do I truly trust God? I came to a relatively one-sided answer, No, not at all, maybe some, but not all my life do I surrender and trust Him.

Maybe this is an area I would want to grow on, a area where I learn more and more to let go of self sufficiency, of self reliance, but really fully reliant on God. Besides all these, I think He revealed to me certain area of my heart, that I have not fully felt and discover. Much of me is not at ease on this, but I am hoping that He will deliver me from it. 

Bu thank God, for a great week, a great start, to discovering God all over again, continuing this journey of my faith, looking for God, looking for myself in God’s will and purpose. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

It’s been a week...

Haven’t really been writing much, cause my heart was not just into writing again. Many distractions in life and really just want to rest and relax. Baptism been a week, part of me thought that there will be this dramatic change after baptism, but nope, I know this isn’t true at all. I am still me.  Dynamics of cell have changed significantly after grads have officially left us. I didn’t thought that a few people would have been this significant. I actually really enjoy now, but I know this is temporary once again. Faith and Ode is going to be back soon and like there will be 1/2 new member joining us. As usual, the growth rate is pretty small for NTU. But I really really look forward to cell, cause it’s no longer things of the surface, but deep deep realities, truths and doubts that we face everyday. I have been really blessed by cell for the past 2 weeks.  Service this week was harsh, but definitely powerful. It brought up an awareness in me that the devil is real and constantly looking for a chance to prey on us. And if we are not careful, the devil will fool around with our mind, body and will. I think I haven’t really been careful about this and really worth a thought, about how the devil have been working in me and not allowing God to work in me. Maybe I have been placed in the maze by the devil, but I’ll keep out trying, by using God’s words, Jesus as my savior and the saints around me to keep praying, reading and fighting. We will spur each other on and fight this fight, with the power of our almighty God, we can overcome and come out victorious. 

I am thankful today, for being able to finally settle the furniture and arrangement in my room, so that it’s no longer kiddy and messy. It’s finally more spacious and nice to work in. Thankful that today has been rather peaceful. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Grads Farewell 2017

I think like I started off in this planning group like really actually quite unwillingly. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to do it, but like, I don’t think like I will be much of a help to the event anyways. But I guess, God, You constantly surprises me, that if I choose to serve You, and see You in every situation, it’ll turn out well.  Honestly, more than half the time I truly felt like I was doing most of the work, but like, I kind of actually really enjoyed the process of it all. That sometimes, if I want to do something, I give my 100%, with no complains. It’s been a event of opportunities, to actually get to know gloria better, to actually tell myself that, yes Jamie, there is something you can give, if you are willing to. So I truly thank God for this opportunity, for making me make the right choice to say yes to help out.  Grads, you guys are really graduating, you guys are no longer is but was an NTU-siast member. I didn’t know I was so attached to you guys till when I was preparing the gifts, till when I kept spending time with you guys. May we have been through ups and downs in the journey of friendship that we have, may it continue to grow stronger, that even though we may be in different cell, but we continue to keep in contact. Though I know that this will not work out, cause you guys are in the working world already, but I hope we really do. NTU-siasts will really miss you guys. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

This 2 photos will fully describe my feelings for the day. I think I screwed up quite badly for the testimony sharing part, but.... oh well, God sees my heart and that is enough. Honestly, I was super nervous, not because I needed to stand infront of so many people to speak, but the fact that I find myself in a place where I feel slightly smaller, more incompetent, more lousy as compared with the rest of the people. This explains the low self-confidence that I had. I have said my thanks to the cell and everyone else already, in my instagram post. So right now, in my own quiet time, there is 1 that I have not thank. And I am going to thank Him right now. Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross for me. For bringing me to you, for revealing Yourself to me enough to allow me to know that You loved me. Many of the times, I am disobedient, many of the times I didn’t want You in my life, but You still came pouring over me. That was the love that was too much for me to not accept. May I have done the many wrongs in life, You forgives me, Your grace and mercy overflows in my life. Indeed, You are the one true God, that never fails, never changes, never stop loving. So thank You for appearing in my life, for accepting me just as I am, for being my hope, confidence and rock. Even as I took this tiny step of faith to be baptized, I pray oh Lord, that I will never ever give up on You, that I will never ever run away from You, that I will hold on to You and never ever let go, that nothing will stop me from pursuing You in my life. Let me set my heart and mind on the things above, may I be able to have the peace that transcends all understanding, the love that You carry for Your people, the heart of thanksgiving for every little things in life. May this be a constant reminder, may I keep this etched in my heart, mind and soul. In Jesus Name, I pray. Amen. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Wow! Baptism Interview ended, it wasn’t really a interview, nothing much to worry about, but I still was super worried about it, especially right before it. I just spoke from my heart throughout the interview, my journey of faith. It was honestly a journey full of up and down, of running away and coming back to God. But I am really glad to make this decision right now. After my story, Pastor Wendy teared, not sure if the story was that amazing, cause I always thought it was just a normal story, nothing amazing at all, as compared to the rest. But I guess PWendy reminded me that no testimony is too small or unimportant, but every single one counts. Finally, getting water baptized in 2 weeks time... Nervous, yet excited. Last paper of Year 2 tomorrow, its coming to an end, exchange and then coming back, I have came a pretty long way, but truly thank God for all He have done till now and I will continue to praise and thank You even more in the future. Thank You Jesus!

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Last paper of the week liao!! 🎉 Honestly can’t believe, second last paper on the overall. I thought I couldn’t get through this week, I thought I’ll just get into a car accident or something and like MC all the way. 😂 But no, it didn’t happen.

It's finally ending, this week of stress, of exams. And like Pastor Wendy finally kinda look for me for water baptism interview. I kinda feel really unprepared as compared to the time I submitted my form. Right now, I feel kind of empty and all. But I guess, it’s God that truly matters right here. So it’ll be fine, if God really want me in His kingdom, He’ll make it happen for me!

All the best to me for my paper tomorrow. God bless me!

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Dreams, what do they even mean?

Exams tomorrow, last 3 papers already. Slightly more confident with tomorrows paper after hardcore understanding and studying and doing past year exams paper. I had a dream last night. It wasn't a really clear dream, cause I could not remember everything as usual. Worst part is I guess my dreams keep revolving around the things I think about. From what I can remember, I met up with Debi and we were talking. And she was sharing about something personal, it was a face to face personal sharing.... I was listening to it with my heart, and it ended with, do you have something you want to share with me? I hesitated and the dream ended. What was that! I am kind of hoping this won't happen on the day we meet. It's like in a few weeks time... I know no one will actually read this but I'll still write it down anyway. It's for you to read I guess, but you'll never get to read it, cause the existence of this website you will never know. I wish things were like before, when I felt both of us were putting in the effort to try to keep on track about each other lives. I wish things were like before, when you will whatsapp me just to ask how am I, instead of right now, when it feels like you look for me because you need me to do something. I wish things were like before, where you do share things with me, and in exchange, I share stuffs with you. I wish things were like before, where I thought I really knew you, where I thought that I meant something to you and you meant something to me. I wish.... I don't want to say this stuff to you, cause I think maybe I have just been exceptionally sensitive especially after knowing that you are going to be taking over the cell as cell leader. Honestly, I feel distant already. Ode asked me, deep down do I really think you have changed? I couldn't be objective at all, cause deep down, I think maybe I have never known you well enough. Through all these experience I think building covenantal relationships is a waste of time already. There isn't a point in putting time and effort in all of these. It's not worth my time and effort, cause at the end of it all, people change and their priorities instantly shifts I guess. But despite all these, I'll continue trusting you, cause I trust God have placed you in my life for a good reason. I'll trust you cause I trust You. God bless my exam tomorrow and the day after. 🙏🏻📖📝💯

[newseasonsnewchoices]

I may be weak, but You make me strong

Oops... I am back home instead of staying in hall for the last week. Neighbors were making a whole lot of noise last night, so I didn't sleep well. And I hate not sleeping well before exams. So here I am back home. I'll post a photo later. Everything is gradually getting back to normal in my room. When exams are over it'll be all back to normal. Truly thank God for everything. After yesterdays outpour of tears and also prayers, my heart felt slightly less burdened. Today's paper was alright, I wrote what I knew, hopefully Prof Hoo will be lenient. 😂 Tmr is another paper, and I would say more or less I am prepared. Worried I may be but what can worrying do? Maybe my faith have really grown through exchange, through the many up and downs in this spiritual walk. I just got to keep my eyes in You! 😌

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Time really flew by once again. Previously I was just back from exchange and then getting use to staying in hall. It’s been an amazing journey, with this room, the times of being alone, there were tears, sweat, thankfully no blood. But really through it all, I still thank God for being here with me. Last few days and nights over here, I’ll miss the time I had alone, but at the same time, wanna go back home to the comfortable room and most importantly my family. Truly, there is no place like home.  Exams starts tomorrow, and honestly, pretty worried about it. But a few minutes ago, as I cried out to the Lord in tears and prayers, I surrendered my worries and fears into His hands. I said a really long prayer, which I haven’t in a while. He hears all my prayers, and I give Him control over my life right now.  Times just gets tougher, but my God is tougher than any of the times. 

[newseasonsnewchoices]

Embrace the Storms

Study week is coming to an end really soon, next week I have 4 papers to take, and honestly, a little worried about it. But at the same time, my heart seems to be really at ease, not much nerves or pushing in the mind that I need to study harder. It’s not over confidence, but just a tiny faith that all things will go well eventually. I spent most of my afternoons at Starbucks studying for a whole 4-5 hours, not sure if its ever enough, but I guess as long as I learnt something, it is better than nothing.  I think like right now, I still don’t understand lots of things that God is doing, but His constant reminder of how Pastor Brandon preached about embracing the fogs and storms of live and allowing the storms to let God speak to us. This is me right now, trying to let God speak despite all these thoughts. I’ll keep on keeping on, I try and try again.