untitled

one boring blue girl in a painfully boring painting

[newworldsteph]

lmfao

i found my HUSBAND searching and clicking on their prp to zoom into their pic. and of course he is the victim 

[newworldsteph]

healing

i just came across a follow suggestion from tumblr, and the blog name was something like “you deserve to heal” and i had completely forgotten about healing. yes this is all about how i hate myself and im obese, but as i work through this progress i guess it is also about healing. i need to learn to love myself and heal through that. i also want to get into like crystals and gemstones. i believe that nature is filled with the answer and natural healings provided to us by God and mother earth. i would like to join yoga as well to get acquainted to my body, get comfortable with myself, and adapt/coach how i want to feel starting from within. i guess i cant work on my outer self until i get to know me me and heal from within so that i can really glow and be happy 

[newworldsteph]

gut health again

1. Consume a variety of whole grains and lentils.

2. Avoid eating out. If I do eat out, I don’t go to buffets that can lead to overeating.

3. Stop eating when full. (My father always taught me that my stomach is not a dumping ground for excess food.)

4. Eat fresh vegetables and fruit daily.

5. Eat homemade yogurt

6. Buy just one piece of candy or cake at a time to satisfy my sweet tooth. I never keep extra at home to avoid bingeing.

7. Go to the farmers market weekly for seasonal veggies and fruits.

8. Eat nuts daily — but in moderation. A small handful is enough.

9. Avoid diet drinks and sugar-free, low-fat foods. Artificial sweeteners can cause bloating, and low-fat foods do not satisfy hunger and can promote overeating.

10. Drink water throughout the day. I add lime and a pinch of salt to my water to replenish electrolytes.

In general, fresh vegetables and fruits are excellent choices. Chicken and fish are preferable to red meats. Avoid charring meats to reduce the risks of stomach and colon cancers. Avoiding excess caffeine, alcohol and fatty foods can control symptoms of acid reflux. Nuts, seeds and legumes like beans and lentils are excellent sources of both protein and fiber. Exercise common sense consistently and avoid getting carried away by food trends that promise magical results.

[newworldsteph]

BBL

my ultimate ultimate goal obviosuly has to do with the way i look and the way i present myself to the world. my goal weight is about 155 pounds thats like 80 motherfucking pounds i have to lose. holy shit. i am obese. ugh. but anyway i want to get down to 155 pounds in a healthy way. i want my skin to glow and my hair to bounce and my body to be tight. when someone loses weight by starving themselves or by taking supplements you can tell because their skin is sort of discolored and something is just off, but i want to glow and shine and look and feel healthy and good. i want to be sexy, i want to be lusted after, and i want girls to give me those looks i give to fit pretty girls. i start my new lifestyle today and i think that i can give myself until may or june to be fit enough and have lost the majority of the weight so that i can get the surgery in like mid june early july ? ugh i dont know but i need it 

[newworldsteph]

a healthy lifestyle

to me a healthy lifestyle includes and is largely based on diet. food has everything to do with everything. food basically rules your body, the shit you put into it shows on your skin on your smell on it all. so i want to start taking vitamins fish oil, biotin, vitamin C and D, calcium, a multivitamin too. i need whole foods lean protein and healthy complex carbs. honestly to begin and jumpstart my weightloss i will probably cut out “unhealthy” carbs like potatoes and pasta and rice and bread. i will stick to like sweet potatoes or squash and nasty shit like that. but i will not even eat these “healthy” carbs that often. 

[newworldsteph]

new me. healthy me.

i decided to list the damn things. so that when i come back to this sad little unknown blog, i will know what i want to do and what i will do. 

this is not some little changes here and there. this is not temporary. this is life. a new life. a new me. 

1. focus on school. and i mean live breathe sleep life is school. this includes not having a social life and being okay with that. it also includes fucking stuDYING. i need to do this. i need to be someone. be happy and make both my husband and my mom proud AS FUCK. 

2. diet. none of that processed shit. lots of colors on my plate. vegetables and lean protein. no diets. no keto. no 30 day whole food. no paleo. none of that. what i want w o the chemicals and sugar of course. but everything in moderation. meal prepping slash cooking healthy.

3. calorie counting. this is a meh because i want to count my calories in the beginning to know how big my portions must be and get a grasp of what is low cal and what is not. this might get deleted because the more i write about it the more im like is this really necessary?

4. staying active. i was going to write gym, but i must include this in every aspect of life not just at the gym. this means taking the stairs instead of the elevators. parking a little farther away from the entrance. walking around the neighborhood. little things that make a difference. 

5. gym. okay i decided to write/type this anyway. because i guess its pretty fucking important and should be a priority. the motivation to get going and drive over to hell is awful, but maybe i like being in that hell hole? okay i do. it is so relaxing afterwards and it just boosts your day. and it feels amazing to see and feel your body change for the better. i need the gym because i want to be fit not skinny or thin. i will be fit. i need to be fit. 

6. meditate on The Word. i went to a christian private school from sixth grade until the day of my graduation in 2017. i used to be in a “leaders in training” program at a christian summer camp. i used to be a prayer warrior. i used to love learning more about the word and hearing sermons and the wise advice that these pastors had to say, but to be honest Grace College shifted my view on all of that, i kinda gave up. im stupid though because it wasn't just Grace College  it was me. 

7. skin care. do you really wanna look like an old ass rag? no bitch. take charge of that skin cause you aint no raggedy ass 

8. clean. overall clean. my nasty musty crusty dusty ass likes to shower like twice a week and i feel bad for leo, but especially since i will be working out and staying active on the daily i have to start with a good hygiene.  not just hygiene and showering, but also picking up after myself, like my undies and the clothes i take off and shit like that

i might add more as they come to me, but right now i cannot think of anything else. also this list in not in any particular order after the first, i kind of just wrote them out as they came to my brilliant intelligent mind 

[newworldsteph]

finally. the damn resolutions.

starting mid-November 2021 i am done. done with excuses. done with the lazy. done with the pity. i did it once, in 2018, i was a skinny bitch, who didnt mind taking pictures. who didnt have to make the duck face to suck in that damn double chin and show off those stupid non existent cheek bones. i fucking did it. i was finally pretty. that of course was when i met my husband. people were hitting on me i was finally noticed. i vow my damn miserable life to this shit. i want and will do it the right way. i will go to the gym, i will eat right, i will meditate and read books instead of worrying whether or not that picture will get many likes. man those damn likes. i will be a proffesional. i will prosper. i will grow. i will become who i want to be. finally. i want to feel pretty for some part of my 20′s... even though its the last half. 

[newworldsteph]

the ugly

enough with that glass half full bull shit. lets get back to why i am here. i weigh 230+ pounds. the heaviest i have ever been. the fattest one in the room. the FAT BITCH. i can remember every single situation and where i was at when someone has thrown those nasty words that make me want to jump off a roof. fat. bitch. that is who i am. my weight defines every single aspect of my stupid fat life. i envy every skinny fit bitch who have no idea how open people are to shout their opinion about your body out to the world. i compare myself to everyone in the room and i always find to be the heaviest one there, heavier than my husband, heavier than all my friends, the fat ugly cousin. that also defines me. they all live beautiful aesthetic traveling social media lives. and i am too embarrassed to post lmfao. its crazy what a huge hold social media has on society now a days, including myself. i grew up with my entire family, mostly my uncle and my mom, voicing their opinions about my body, my CHILD body, my uncle asking me how much i weigh and being shocked, my mom saying that what i decided to wear looked awful, my uncle stating it whenever possible, my aunt telling me what exercises her boss did to lose 20 pounds, my aunt in law comparing my wide ugly feet to tamales. I WAS A CHILD. these were the people i looked up to. and every single one of them failed. my senior year of high school, i suffered from a pretty bad eating disorder. i binged and threw everything up. it worked. i lost like 30 pounds and did not realize it. i look back at pictures and cant believe i didnt get asked to prom and cant believe i still thought i was fat and ugly. basically all of this is to say that i am fat. it is all i ever think about. first sunrise thought. last sunset thought. let me be free. 

[newworldsteph]

the good

i know all the other posts have not been inspiring or glass half full situation, but although i seem like a half empty glass i am the exact opposite. i do hate parts of my life, they are mostly the physical. i am happily married to the LOVE OF MY LIFE, leo is.., i dont even know how to describe what a wonderful, hardworking, gentleman he is with a huge heart of gold. i was blessed. i never in my miserable life thought that i would end up with the sexiest man alive (take that people magazine!) but i did. i was the lucky one. i also have the most complicatedly amazing mother, who brought me into this world alone. and raised me alone. besides what youve read and the conclusion youve come up with about me, i would say i am a pretty kind hearted patient considerate sympathetic empathetic girl. and i owe all of that and the world to my mother. she is my everything. i need to make her proud of me. i have a close knit nosey annoying moody family that i am also thankful for. they are my life. they are my sisters. i do have slight behavioral rude tendencies with some of my sisters and my uncle in particular, but thats another fucked up story for another time. besides all this spewed bullshit that i have put out there that no one will ever read i guess i am slightly happy. 

[newworldsteph]

the bad

as stated before i loathe myself entirely. i hate my over hanging belly. i hate my wide feet. i hate my lifestyle. i hate my round face. i hate my job. i hate that i am stuck, feeling like i have no future. while everyone around me is moving on with life and prospering. i feel like my life is going, but i am not. the world keeps orbiting a new sunrise followed by a sunset a new day and a new night. it just flies by day by day. when i was 15 someone told me that from then on life would keep going on and on without any type of pause to get your shit together. that is the most truthful truth i have ever been told. it. is. time. for. a. change. and this time it MUST be for real. i have been saying this for years and i promise myself and i continuously fail time after time. but i. am. ready. lets get my shit together. 

[newworldsteph]

Steph

my name is steph, last name doesnt matter. i have been stuck for the last couple of years, stuck in the sense that i dont know who or what i am. i am not happy, i am depressed and i loathe every part of me. i am writing my new me resolutions in november to focus on them now and not later. if you come across this blog it doesnt matter because this is for me and to better myself.