New Year Bullshit

[newyearbullshit]

2024

I was sat in the traffic jam of my commute to work (which I wouldn't have dreamed of driving to a couple years back so go me!) and thought to myself- oo I haven't updated my tumblr for last year. I know I will appreciate reading these back. I need to put it in a journal really just in case tumblr does cease to exist when ww3 kicks off and Elon Musk and Trump decide only 1 social media can ever exist. That could happen!

But anyway, what a wild ride 2024 was. I decided last year that I wanted to focus on me again, I was pouring out of an empty cup and I did!!! I lost that weight - can you believe it?? I actually stayed in the gym, have a membership now and the woman who owns it knows me by name and has me on Facebook? WTF? But I love it, and I miss my spin classes when I can't do them.

I got the job of my dreams - VCA in a vets. It's like crazy hard work, I feel way under qualified and I'm stressed every single day with not feeling good enough and not knowing enough and just generally feeling useless. But I love it. I'm looking forward to reading this next year, having passed and feeling confident to go onto my nursing training. I may also have had a mental breakdown and working back in a really really expensive deli again but you know. Hopefully not.

I have a puppy now?. She was not in the life plan but when you are given a blind puppy you don't say no! She's adorable.

Everything else - pretty much the same. But I'm beginning to really love the mundane of it all. Coming home and walking the dogs, cuddling up to my boyfriend at night time (no he still hasn't proposed. Just dont. I'm not bitter at all) pottering in the garden. I'm content.

This year I want to explore more. We have the camper and we are determined to take her around Britain, little coffee shops to take the dogs after a long walk (Im 29 going on 80) and read a good book on the beach. I was always wanting a girly friendship group and I have a little one. I have people in my life I know if I call to let the dogs out they will. I'm happy. I still need to sort out my crippling self esteem but maybe that's what my 30s are for. Maybe this year I'll just be content with what I have. Oh and do an entire course in a field I know morning about haha!

TTFN See you in 2025 when I'll be 30. Bloody hell! Hahaha

[newyearbullshit]

2023

Ok. So I missed a few years. My Bad.

Life got a little bit in the way and I was neck deep in adulting. It's not that fun let me tell you! But it was nice to read back, which is why I'm writing another one this year! I missed my little catch up with myself and I know I'm going to love to read these when I'm old and needing help to go to the loo!

So what's happened in the last 2 years I hear you all shouting - We bought the house that we saved up way too long for! It's gorgeous and right by the river so we bought ourselves a little kayak. Only a 5 minute drive from the sea and my commute to work is only 5 minutes. It's a dream. An expensive dream that needs a big paint job but it's ours!

I changed my job. Its the lowest I have peen paid for quite some years and I will need to look for a better paid job soon if I want to keep this dream house but for now I'm enjoying the slower pace and not having to manage anyone or receive messages at 2am with hungover students telling me they cant make it into work. There have been nieces and nephews born that are the absolute cutest things in the world. Breakups and dramas in the family too but what's a family without that! Started new traditions so that our family has at least some days where we are all in the same room. But mostly its been day in day out grind. Sleeping and working. And a newsflash! I am a 'gym girl' Have a membership, go at least twice a week for spin classes and weights. I even own a treadmill. That I actually use. 2 year ago me would never believe that, but I was fed up with being unfit and I actually really enjoy going now! Crazy!

But anyway, to be honest - there's not really anything I want to change this year. I think I have my work/life balance thing sorted out. I would like to go on more holidays - although last year I spent a month in the Philippines so that will take some beating! And I just want to worry less. I'm working on it... I'll see you next year with whatever new profound views I have on life. Maybe my boyfriend of 6 years will actually propose this year! Maybe it will snow in the summer! Which is less likely I will let you decide! TTFN

[newyearbullshit]

2021

Well, you still have your house and not writing this in a car so you know. Step 1 complete and all that.

*sigh*

Where do I start with you 2021, it was another 6 months off work and furlough but at least I still have the job. That was extremely tough. It was another year of not having a clue what I am doing with my life. It was another year of not really succeeding with anything in particular but you got through it. Once again I am here to write this quite pointless update!

But the second half was a gooden I suppose. My brothers wedding, I spent the summer months seeing friends and family. I tried those yoga classes (figured out I hated it and wasn't worth the £7 a week for 40 minutes of breathing in the old lady next to me farts) but I did it!

I kept thinking to myself all year that I'm not progressing. That I'm stuck in the same loop everyday but I read through all these entries before I started typing this one out and I need to be pretty damn proud of myself. I've worked myself up to a management position. Yes, I want to leave and am constantly thinking I am not good enough to be in it but I'm here! I’ve got myself to a position where I can buy a house with the boyfriend. The same boyfriend who was thousands of pounds of debt when I met him.

I started those exercise classes, I went on those holidays. I treated myself to those haircuts and went driving for longer so now the thought of driving to my boyfriends work doesn't petrify me.

All those little steps that seem pointless, they all add up in the end and I need to stop focusing so much on the big picture and just enjoy my bloody life. It’s a good one, with great friends who drink cocktails with me and family who ring me up and listen to me moan.

Therefore this year, I'm going to relax. Try and figure out me as a person, not me as what job I am in, me with the goals, me who needs to lose 2 stone. Lets face it, that will never happen. I’m writing this whilst eating a lidl version of a mars bar for Christ's sake!

I’m going to slow down. Really focus on what's important and see whether that gives me the clarity of how I'm spending my life.

Wish me luck!!

[newyearbullshit]

2020

Well, what a fucking shit show that was!

Let’s be honest, after march you didn’t do a hell of a lot. In fact for a girl that prides herself on good mental health it was touch and go there when lockdown 2.0 came knocking!!

You worked a whole 4 months last year! Go you!!

But you’ve learnt things. You realised as tired as you were all the time you love to work. You hate sitting inside, you hate doing nothing and you need to find hobbies that don’t involve the pub!

You realised you hated learning a language, video games frustrated you, knitting and crocheting are not your forte.  That netflix is well worth its money (tiger king you beauty!) and that you are hopelessly slow at learning the piano. But perhaps stick with it?

But hey, amongst the crap you did managed to fulfil the goals. You moved out of your tiny tiny studio flat into an end of terrace house, yes you are renting but you know pandemic and all that. When you do 5 months of lockdown without a washing machine or a separate bedroom to your boyfriend who becomes nocturnal when forced with unemployment you realise not to be too picky!

You also changed jobs. It ended up being a bad decision as you’re pretty sure come furlough ending the place won’t exist anymore and you will be unemployed but hey ho, you took the step to leaving the crap job, - It turned out the new manager was a dick and it did force you decide to leave! *see last years post*

At the end of the day, this year was crap. You’re confidence has been seriously knocked and even as you write this you are struggling to find hope and see light at the end of the tunnel. Once the pandemic is over, we will be left with debt, brexit, paying back the billions in furlough (hello tax going sky high) and possibly unemployed.

BUT you did it. Your are alive. You have a roof over your head. Your family is healthy. Your still - somehow- happy in your relationship even though 5 months of isolation seriously tested it!

This year?

Just have fun.

Try to stick to yoga though please? You loved it in the lockdown 1.0 and you actually managed to get quite fit so try again? Otherwise, just enjoy life. And go on holiday please! The fact you haven't been more than 15 miles outside of your home for over a year. Its crazy. February you nearly booked a month long trip to Canada! Good job you didn't do that!

Also see your family. Facetiming your very young niece and her struggling to remember who you were  because she hasn't had a hug from you in over a year? Don’t let that happen!

So yeah. I’ll read this next year to give me inspiration for 2022′s post and hopefully it will be an uplifting, joyful post instead of this jumble of thoughts!.

Or i’ll be in debt, homeless and writing it in a car. Either way! Its an adventure!! :D

[newyearbullshit]

2019

Well Girl 2019 wasn't exactly what you planned.

You did ok. You treated yourself more, you put yourself first more and you cut out people in your life that didn't deserve to be there.

But you were shit at everything else!

You had plans honey! You were going to get fit, you were going to demand that pay rise at work, you were going to start going exercise classes. You did none of that.

This year, be determined, move house (buy if possible). Go to those exercise classes, put yourself out there more. You are extremely happy in your relationship, you know that that is the one good thing in your life but you want more. You want drunken nights out with the girlfriends, you want to have things to go to in an evening when you finish work.

You need to sort yourself out and get life sorted.

There, now I have had a go at you, good luck! I know you can do it, you went abroad on your own and talked to complete strangers. You went to Iceland with a boyfriend who hates travelling, adventures and flying but you had a great time because you were both determined.

This year you are going to be happy, you aren’t going to let work get to you like you did last yea.r. Hey the new manager might be such a prick that you quit and life will change anyway.

I don’t know. Just this year TRY. You let fear govern your life in 2019. You never used to do that. So buckle up and just do it. Life gets exciting when you push your personal boundries!

Have fun honey!

[newyearbullshit]

Errrr what?!

Well, it’s not going well! haha

I haven’t got a clue what 2019 has ahead of me and I think that is what’s scaring me the most! Every year I have had a big trip planned, or a new challenge to stick my teeth into! Be it a new job, or learn a new skill. This year, I haven’t got a bloody clue!

I wan’t to learn something new, I want to figure out about myself more, I want to live more of my life but I don’t know where to start and i’m sort of stuck in this loop of ‘Errrr what?!’ haha

Work stresses aren’t fun also. When you’re a different department to everyone else and you are on your own it’s hard to argue your point across of ‘i need more help, I’m on my own here’ But still that’s life, things never come easy aye!

Also relationships are difficult right?! You think everything is going quite swimmingly and then something is said that makes you think ‘err what?!’ Or an ex girlfriend keeps cropping up that you know you shouldn't (and have no reason to be) jealous of but you just cant help it?

Oh I don’t know. I can tell this post is a very ‘woe is me’ and I hate people like that but i’m considering this my diary and I've always said it has helped me when I write down what i’m feeling. Even I am not sure what it is I am actually feeling!

Wish me luck for 2019 guys, I've got a feeling this year is going to be bump ride! haha

[newyearbullshit]

January 2019

Dear you,

It’s a new year. I know you’ve always said that you don’t believe in ‘new year, new me’. That its just another day but happens to have a different number after it. For some reason this year feels different. I feel like you’re going to change a lot this year, without you wanting to, things are going to be beyond your control.

I hope this year you listen to yourself more! You care too much about other peoples feeling and never seem to take into consideration about yourself. If you want to do it, then do it. Don’t worry about upsetting anyone, it’s all in your head anyway!

I hope you take care of yourself more! Stop worrying about a haircut being expensive or that you can’t warrant the £10 a week you spent on a yoga class. If you need to do it then do it. Stop saving up for this nonexistent mortgage. Brexit is going to fuck up all your plans anyway!

Bloody cry girl!! - It’s not healthy not crying for over 3 years, sometimes all you need is a good cry, even if its over the fact they have discontinued your favourite fruit juice. (I also hope you are over that by now!) 

I don’t know, I just hope you’re happy. As I am writing this now all I feel is anxiety and for a girl that is proud to say she has always taken good care of her mental health its kind of scaring her as how quickly its spiralling downwards in the past month. I hope you’ve figured out why this is.

Just enjoy yourself girl. Live, laugh, cry, scream, lose weight, put on weight. Do whatever the hell you want I just hope you really do focus on yourself. You lost your way a bit this year honey and you need to get back on track. Look at your life, whether this is truly where you want to be. 

Love yourself. That is your biggest challenge this year. And I hope you can achieve it!

Love, me xx

[newyearbullshit]

2018

Well. I obviously can’t do diaries! 

But it is one of my new year resolutions to do this better next year! I have achieved so much, learnt so much and made so many life decisions this year that I would have loved to have read through my posts to see where my head was at half the time!

I’ve moved out of my childhood home with my boyfriend (Yep, somehow not managed to scare him off with my craziness) Its a ridiculously tiny place, I had to get him to hide in the bathroom when I was wrapping his Christmas present! But it’s ours and we’re doing alright. No fights anyway!

Work is over for the year, It wasn't too bad in the end. Took me a very long time to find my feet and I reckon I will still struggle as it’s all new stuff next year but I wasn't fired and the boss didn't tell me I was doing everything wrong so I couldn't have done that badly aye?

This year has been a crazy one. My entire life changed completely in 6 months without me really realising. Last new years eve I was sat at home on my own watching Jools Holland and crying into a Ben and Jerry ice cream! This year i’m in my new place, a stone and half down (Right?! I actually managed to lose weight?!) and cuddling the man i’m in love with.

2018, you’ve been a different kind of crazy to what i’m used to! I haven't skydived out of a plane, gone dolphin spotting or travelled around Europe this year. But I've stepped out of my comfort zone, grown up and fell in love.

You ain’t been half bad then really! 

[newyearbullshit]

Sorry!

Well, it’s been some time! I can only apologise, life has got bleeding hectic in the past month!

1st thing.

The new job is extremely bloody stressful! Who knew being a manager of a 150 caravan park was going to be so hard?! Yes, it’s a great achievement at 22 years old but I ask myself everyday if that’s actually what I want. Too late now though I suppose, it’s been done and i’m stuck here until the end of summer so we shall see how it goes!

2nd thing.

My social life seems to have gone a little bit mad. Everyday I am doing something and I've only managed to spend 2 evenings at home to actually eat dinner with the rents! I shouldn't complain seeing as that’s what I was complaining about but wow, its tiring being a social butterfly aye!

3rd thing.

Somehow I have ended up in a relationship! I know they say you find someone when you aren’t looking but I didn't realise it was so true!  My plan was to go to work, keep my head down and try and do this new job well enough before everyone realised I was extremely under qualified for it. What actually happened? I fell for one of the guys at work and became the office gossip for the month! 

In a way it is actually probably a good thing, they are more focused on that than they are at my job so maybe I did the correct tactic! But anyway, after reading back my last blog post and being lonely, I now have the opposite problem, I cant seem to get an hour to myself to anymore!

So I suppose this blog post was just a friendly reminder to everyone that you really do not know what is around the corner! This time 2 months ago I never dreamt I would be in a job that, yes I find stressful, but I actually really enjoy. And in a relationship with a guy that makes me sickeningly happy 90% of the time. The other 10% he drives me mad with his wind ups!

Even so, i’m happy. Happiest I've been a long time and after this post I am going to read through the rest of mine and just remind myself that pushing through and diving head first out of your comfort zone sometimes you really can somehow land on your hand.

Give it a go! Do something crazy, apply for that job, send a message to that really cute guy on tinder. You never know where it may lead...

[newyearbullshit]

Putting plans into action.

New job. No idea what i’m doing. Hoping the people i’m in charge of don’t notice! haha

One thing I am good at is worrying about things that don’t need to be worried about. Like new job worries, if i’m earning enough money to eventually move out. (I’m not planning on this for another 2 years at least!). What people in the village I live in think of me. (Again, I doubt they even think about me). 

There is two voices in my head, the one that tells me to worry and the other that says ‘fuck it, just do it’. I like to think I listen to the fuck it person and then once I do it, the other one kicks into overdrive. Think I need to try and find a balance! 

Anyway, this is a blabbing diary entry this week! I’ve been to see lots of friends, had evenings in the sun drinking prossecco. Been to a gig in London with my old school mates. I had a really social couple of weeks actually. And I don’t even think about driving now I get in my car so I think I've gone pretty far in the 5 months I brought my first car! Although yesterday was the first time I put my own petrol in my car! Not my fault though! My dad uses it too and he loves a trip to the petrol station, he’s a strange man!

One thing that’s in the back of my brain though and one that I keep ignoring until I sort out the rest of my life. I’m getting pretty lonely. All my friends are settling down. the amount of newborn babies I get to cuddle these days is ridiculous! Not that i’m not ready to settle down yet, the idea of being responsible for a child is just unthinkable but a relationship, someone to cuddle at night. Wouldn’t mind that I suppose. 

But as I said, got a hell of a lot of sort out in my brain before I bring a poor, unsuspecting guy into the mess! 

[newyearbullshit]

Eventful week!

Life can shock you. You sit there wandering along thinking you know what tomorrow will bring, then you wake up and its not what you expected.

Remember how I have said for ages that I feel like I am standing still, not doing anything with my life blah blah blah. Well this week I had 3 job offers! All management positions.

Like how the hell did that happen?! I applied on the off chance for 2 and the other one was my old job asking me to come back but in management team. This time last week I was just getting ready for bed to work at my current job and go serve people some fudge cakes!

Instead I had loads of decisons to make and it gave me a headache! I needed to think what was best for me and in the end I chose the job that to other people was the wrong choice - I took a lower position - but for me it was right.

I'm only bloody 22. I dont want the stress of management yet. I still want my evenings off, to be able to go out at night, get drunk and still do my job with a hangover. I dont want the worry of if the restraunt and bar are hitting their target sales. No I just want the worry of if the 2 for 1 deal on shots are still going on a friday!

So I guess I had a bit of an epiphany this week. I had always thought I wanted to move up in life, sort my life out but actually i'm happy just living right now.

Live the best life I can! But also wish me luck! Still horrifically underqualfied for this job I accepted and no idea how i'm actually going to do it! Let's hope they dont find out that!

[newyearbullshit]

What I would tell my 22yr old self.

But you are 22 I hear you say?

Yes, but I already know what a 30 year old me would say. 

1. Stop worrying so much about whether you are moving fast enough.

2. Stop trying to keep up with everyone else who is older than you.

3. A job interview only lasts 30 minutes. It’s not worth the weeks of worry that you give it.

4. Life is short, if you want to eat that cake just eat it.*

*But make sure you do go for runs, you get quite podgy at 30yrs old

5.Start just enjoying life more.

So yes, I would be telling myself other wildly things I have learnt along the way, most epiphanies will probably come from some dick of an ex boyfriend. But if you think about it, and have a real word with yourself, you already know what you should be doing. How you should be living your life but it’s hard. When you are in the moment and that is what is occupying your thoughts then its easy to worry about it. 

But even so, I have a feelings my worries now will probably be the same as my worries at 30 because they are my character faults that to be honest I don’t really want to change. I will always worry what people think of me and I will always hope that people like me but on the same card, if people don’t then there are plenty of other people in the world. 7.441 billion people to be exact.

So to my 22yr old me. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re still figuring it out.

[newyearbullshit]

What week is it?!

I’ve lost track of the days, weeks anything really! haha Life has got complicated and a little bit manic!

Work went into overdrive which meant I didn’t have a chance to do anything, I spent the whole day yesterday catching up on about 2 weeks worth of my telly. How lovely is The durrells and Good Karma Hospital btw?!

Its also been a week of blood tests and doctors appointments as my body has decided to stop cooperating with me. Also relationship dramas, money worries, car troubles and tax returns. Remember when I said I didn’t like February because that was my beginning of a new year and new me and stuff, well I changed my mind, April is the worst. Purely because of the end of the tax year and its beginning of the summer season so work goes mad with horrible tourists!

Anyway, I digress. A lot of my posts on here have been worried about not feeling like I am moving with my life, not achieving enough or fast enough or anything really. But its months like April where I haven't even got a chance to sit down and eat dinner some days that I remember all that shit really doesn't matter.

It’s important to live for the day and make sure you do something fun everyday. I never have quite got the live to work and not work to live balance down. Something else to improve on I guess. 

Anway, tax return done. Keep your fingers crossed I get a lovely tax rebate through the post and also send my body good vibes too please?! Now, i’m off to catch up on Graham Norton. Bloody love The Rock!

[newyearbullshit]

Week 14

Have had serious amounts of insomnia lately. Thinking about things that don’t even matter. I even thought about what I said to someone in sixth form. I mean why the hell would that matter now?!

I keep worrying about my new job and whether I am any good at it. If the people I work with think I am useless. Again, why does that really matter? As long as management don’t fire me then I cant really go wrong right?

I am the type of person that if I am upset about something, or if someone is doing wrong I tell them. I wear my heart on my sleeve and people always know where they stand with me. Some say that is just another way of saying I am rude but I’m not. Why? Because my biggest problem is I want to be liked too!

Conflicting things those two! Anyway, my view for this week is to just stop worrying. My life shouldn’t revolve around my work, it’s why I moved jobs in the first place. So I need to focus on something new and that is my goal this week. Focus on something new, new hobby, new class, anything. Time to go looking.

[newyearbullshit]

Week 13

Granted. Its a late post.

Life got busy, working, sorting out home life, seeing friends. Busy me.

But the thing i'm finding most satisfying lately? Cleaning. How sad is that?! I'm in proper nesting mode, but no there is no way im having a baby. Need to go on more than one date a month for that to happen right?!

I've weeded, planted and repotted my entire garden. Every cupboard and drawer is organised and clean. The new sofa's throw is sewn and kept in place. I have even baked a bloody cake! For some reason I have turned into this wierd domestic goddess!

It won't last I assure you but hey, loving life right now! To anyone watching I have it sorted. Oh how wrong they would be!

So there you go. What an exciting new post. I promise my next one will be slight more fun and insighftul. No promises!

[newyearbullshit]

Week 12

What is going on this year? It’s flying by!

New job has officially begun, exercise regime still going ahead. Meeting friends regularly. Life is a constant pace at the moment and it’s going well. i’m officially doing the 9-5 and I love it! Never realised how much split shifts and working 70 hours a week really took its toll!

I also got horrifically drunk for St Patricks day (My dads Irish, couldn't let him celebrate on his own could i?) Thing is, when I have a lot to drink, it is like my truth serum. I can hear my brain saying, ‘don’t say that, you will regret it’ but I do anyway. Sometimes it goes wrong, sometimes it works to my advantage.

Last night, it worked to my advantage! I tend to put on a brave face, pretend everything's OK, that I don’t take crap from anyone. Really, I am just like anyone else and want to be liked. Last night I told a couple of people this and they were shocked. Told me not to be silly, that they know I am a normal person. 

I told them about sometimes feeling like I don’t fit in, that the place I live is very clicky and I feel I can’t come and say hello. Their reply, they wanted me to come to say hello but didn’t want to be pushy and that maybe their was a reason. So we added each other on Facebook, spoke and now whenever I see them in the pub I can go and sit with them without feeling out of place!

So basically guys this is what I am telling you. It’s all in your bloody head! Just go and say hello, do something stupid, be someone crazy. Everyone is in the same boat, everyone is just wondering around trying to figure out their place in the world no matter how long it takes!

Just got for it! haha

[newyearbullshit]

Week 11

I’ve thought a lot about memories this week. I have been around so many children and watching the world through their eyes. The innocence of it all, how everybody is equal. They havent learnt to be predujice, how to hate, how to be cruel. It made me wonder what happens to us all to make us the way we are.

I’ve said before I feel like i’m wondering though life, not really making an impact but what if I am? I know whenever I think of someone it is their little quirks, the way they smile, their favourite drink, how they leave me feeling happy or uplifted. It’s not a massive impact on the world, but it is in my world and my memory. So what do I leave in someone elses world, someone elses memory? I figure, thats just as important!

It also made me realise its important how every day you are part someone elses day. Wether it be someone you hold the door open for, someone you serve at your coffee shop. The receptionist you spoke to when you booked your hair appointment. It may be a tiny insignificant moment in your life but you will be in someones memory.

How freaking scary is that? Someone right now will be telling someone else about thier day and you are part of that. Its a bit like when you take holiday photos and there are about 5 people in the backround. I could be in the backround of someones favourite holiday snap. What if they put it on display and i’m technically on the wall in someone random persons house?! Creepy.

Anyway I digress. I’ve had an extremely busy week this week, working and training. Seeing friends and slowly trying to organise my life (never realised I had so many important documents lying about my room being ignored). But I thought this week, as I was relaying my week to my mother over lunch and telling her about the people I met on my training course, what if people are talking about me?

It made me realise that yes, I always need to be myself and never change that but always present my best self. A simple smile as I hold the door open or a friendly chat as I serve someone coffee could make their day. Because I will be talked about and we all want it to be in a good light dont we? So I must remember to just cheer the hell up sometimes and enjoy the moment.

Every single minute is part of my life and my memory, so I want to make them a gooden! If all else fails it will make me happier anyway!