My brain feels sore like an over exercised muscle.
I like thinking over and over an idea and thoughts and playing around with them. Sometimes, it feels like the equivalent of injecting pure dopamine into my nervous system.
I like exercise, too. There is so much joy in movement, that I have the ability to run and lift weights and have so much control over my body.
But, a day at the gym leaves me sore the next day. Days, or weeks, of thinking about an idea leaves my brain sore, too.
The best way to reduce soreness in muscles is to rest the muscle and consume food to help repairs. I struggle to find an equivalent recovery plan for my brain.
What am I supposed to do? Not think about things that bring me joy? Iāll have little motivation to do anything. But I canāt think of anything that makes me happy. Itās like the entire reward pathway in my brain short-circuited. The best I can do is a neutral mood, my brain zoning out to the auto play on YouTube.
Getting burn out from thinking feels like the day after exercising the inner thighs. Every step taken is a little wobbly and uncomfortable. You donāt realize how much you depend on the stabilizing muscles to move. But, you just have to put up with it. Like what are you supposed to do? Not walk to the bathroom?
What is my brain supposed to do? Not think? I still need to do that to survive. Food isnāt gonna cook it self, deadlines arenāt gonna stop, but, damn does it feel awful having to do anything that takes effort.
It appears that my brain sometimes goes a million miles per minute. I wish I could choose when and what it does, but alas. At least itās fun (most times).
In other words: my brain has an absolute vice grip on the rottmnt covert au, again. I fear it may explode if I donāt get ideas out of my head. Leonidas has a reason to be suspicious of my pseudo self insert, Nev.
(I hope I donāt crash like with Elminaās story. I hope to rework Elminaās story with my current understanding of section 5. If my brain will allow it. )
Continuation of this mini comic in @chessman-protocol's rottmnt covert au.
Vince doesn't mean harm. He just got a little starstruck from interacting with Rafid that he got a little ahead of himself. He stays in his lane now.
This initially started with a silly thought that Leonidas just hates my character (Nev) for no reason. Just something about Nev makes him suspicious. And then I started fleshing out Vince and had too much fun.
Nev is very loosely based on me, but is a full character in their own right. I hope to toss them into the most random conflicts and see how they react.
In a desperate attempt to play one more round (as it felt to Nev that Rafid was getting annoyed with how much they were blundering and losing), Nev impulsively said that they would bet $5 last time they played. Other players also bet $5 for fun. Raf made $15 that night. He just gave it to the mahjong parlor owner.
Section 5 from @chessman-protocol's rottmnt covert au
Part 1: Donovan - 516 words (CW: Confinement, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), eating disorder, dissociation)
Part 2: Rafid - 1288 words (CW: Mentions of cannibalism and violence, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), confinement)
Part 3: Leonidas - 2726 words (CW: Childhood neglect or abuse, manipulation, abusive relationship, domestic violence, murder)
Part 4: Mikhail - 496 words (CW: Mentions of harm)
Part 5: Personal reflections and other author notes - 903 words
Reflections on my rambles:
Iāve done most of this based just on my memory of the ask answers and antimatics posted. Iāve just gone and reread/watched some stuff to make sure there aren't any obvious contradictions. Iām surprised that some stuff lined up very well (I did not remember the song chosen for [Mind Flayer] and was pleasantly surprised by the lyrics lining up with a decent amount of my interpretations for Leon). Iām not as shocked that everything didnāt fit neatly into my interpretations (forgot a lot of the stuff for Raf and Don other than them being together and found more stuff for Mikhail). The best part about all this was always the process of brainstorming and thinking about these characters and assembling their lore like a puzzle. Any new info would lengthen the brain storming process so = more fun, yippee! I welcome any thoughts or comments about my rambles.Ā
I really latched on to the idea of growth for all these characters from more maladaptive coping mechanisms to working on and developing much better ways to navigate the world and their triggers. I really hope that this aspect shows and elevated this above just angst for angstās sake. I also really wanted to find a way to express their individual quirks and differences. I have a bad habit of imagining these characters as more of a monolith (like just thinking of Section 5 as Section 5, not really thinking of how each member fits into it), so thinking more about how their intelligence, mentally resiliency, and their motivations for interacting with others in different ways really helped. It has given me so many ideas about their interactions with each other (I just spent 3 hours pacing aroundĀ my room while thinking about it).
Don and Raf were the most straightforward and easiest to write while Leon had a lot of back and forth as I rewrote his section twice. He felt too distant or too soft or somehow I wrote myself into a corner where I couldnāt imagine Leon acting in such a way. Mikhail was also relatively simple to write as it was just my raw ideas without much connecting material/fluff as there wasnāt much to work with.
I have a general idea of Section 5 being categorized in 2 ways:Ā
Type of Trauma:Ā
Personal/interpersonal trauma: traumatic events that happen due to their specific personal circumstances/people they trusted. Trauma tied to a core trait/part of them.
Clinical/impersonal trauma: traumatic events that are not personally motivated/due to personal attributes/values, their tormentors donāt uniquely torment them.Ā
And:Ā
Social response to the trauma:
Social adoption: working with in social systems to get what they want
Social withdrawal: anti-social behaviors, doesnāt see any ways that social systems will give them what they want
I like this categorization as it gave me a good jumping off point and gave each Section 5 member something unique to them so that I wouldnāt accidentally write them all the same. These are very basic simplified groupings that do not represent the entire characterization. Iām iffy about the names as I think there is something better to describe the type of traumas they face, but Iām stumped.
I have to give props to Chess for leaving such an amazing set of lore bits here and there. Iāll be honest that when I first got into the covert au, it was a little hard to parse out what these characters were about as I was coming in with expectations from the show. But as I got to thinking about it more, Iām glad that the lore was expressed in small snippets of animatics and ask responses as I got to go around and play connections with all these little pieces.Ā
I actually have way more thoughts and theories about these guys, but my google docs is already 10 pages long (using 11pt Arial single spaced) so Iāll post it in a separate post if I get around to writing it. Other thoughts/theories revolve around each oneās interaction with others of Section 5 from initial meeting to where they are now, how they got involved with the Gilded Citadel, their interactions with the Gilded Citadel organization and individuals within it, and other various little silly headcannons.Ā
It seems that I only get this amount of motivation and inspiration to write when Iām trying to avoid a responsibility. All of this was written during my finals week and I likely would have done better on a couple of exams if I didnāt dedicate hours thinking and writing this. Luckily, my insane ramblings were intermittently interrupted by friends who helped me to focus on studying so I still did well on all exams. This is all to say that it's a 50/50 on whether I get anything else out of my brain and on the google doc.Ā
Other notes:
I didnāt forget about Crixus. He just doesn't have nearly as much information on him as the rest and I didnāt have as much time to conceive of his character (heās as redacted as Mikhail :,)).Ā I have no clue how Crixus would fit into my trauma square diagram.
I hope someone appreciates all the color coding.
You get a gold star for reading all of that, S-Tier attention span haha (this whole thing was nearly 6000 words!)
Section 5 from @chessman-protocol's rottmnt covert au
Part 1: Donovan - 516 words (CW: Confinement, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), eating disorder, dissociation)
Part 2: Rafid - 1288 words (CW: Mentions of cannibalism and violence, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), confinement)
Part 3: Leonidas - 2726 words (CW: Childhood neglect or abuse, manipulation, abusive relationship, domestic violence, murder)
Part 4: Mikhail - 496 words (CW: Mentions of harm)
Part 5: Personal reflections and other author notes - 903 words
Mikhail - [Redacted]
jk but seriously I donāt have a lot of things to work with for Mikhail. But here is a couple ideas I've been thinking through:
I find it intriguing that whatever he had gone through was redacted while the others were not. This makes me think that it was either something very, very horrible or something that the Gilded Citadel really wants to keep quiet about. Or both. Both are nice.
Like Don, he seeks out answers for what he is going through/ has gone though. Unlike the others, he discovers that the things that happened to him canāt be stopped by simply escaping a location or another person. This shapes how he thinks about the world as he has a much larger scale/bigger picture mindset/point of view compared to others, interpreting otherās actions as a result of the bigger systems and pressures they are under.Ā
In the past, he would try to minimize aspects of his trauma to convince himself that it was a one time issue. But as he matures, he realizes how futile this line of thinking was as he wasnāt able to prepare as things got worse again. The change that he wanted wasnāt going to just happen. He had to seek it out no matter what it would cost him.Ā
He is good at handling multiple conflicting ideas at once and making sense of things that appear to just be chaotic or nonsense. He is a very good negotiator as he can navigate conversations efficiently and keep track of everyone's motivations and desired outcomes.
Like Raf, he sees the value in engaging with others to get what he wants (social adoption rather than social isolation like Don and Leon). Though he doesnāt read people as much as Raf and Leon as his focus on the bigger picture often makes him view smaller individual differences unimportant. This can also lead him to come across as a little detached from situations right in front of him. Within Section 5, he is able to offload a lot of the aspects that he had less patience for (smaller details that often donāt matter on a larger scale) and is able to focus on things that he feels actually matters.Ā
He prefers very direct communication which leads him to have an appreciation for archives, books, paper work, and other written pieces as sources of information. They are usually much more direct than people and he can be as thorough as he likes as the pages donāt complain when he rereads and double checks information.
Though part of his reactiveness around his trigger is likely due to the very traumatizing things he has gone through and witnessed, his bigger picture point of view does allow him to act in ways that can harm people. He feels littleĀ remorse at the thought of harming and even potentially killing others as, in the grand scheme of things he has witnessed and done, they feel insignificant.Ā
Section 5 from @chessman-protocol's rottmnt covert au
Part 1: Donovan - 516 words (CW: Confinement, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), eating disorder, dissociation)
Part 2: Rafid - 1288 words (CW: Mentions of cannibalism and violence, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), confinement)
Part 3: Leonidas - 2726 words (CW: Childhood neglect or abuse, manipulation, abusive relationship, domestic violence, murder)
Part 4: Mikhail - 496 words (CW: Mentions of harm)
Part 5: Personal reflections and other author notes - 903 words
Leonidas - Leonidas, like the others, is very intelligent. Though some of his actions may seem impulsive or irrational, he always has a reason. Often his actions can look disjointed and risky to other people because he is operating with a vastly different/skewed morality/value system.Ā
He learned a lot of his current values during his childhood (not exactly sure what this environment is like, but Iām leaning more towards neglect being the main form of abuse he dealt with). He quickly learned that any vulnerability or revealed weakness would be just another way for others to hurt him. Others are viewed less as individuals with valid emotions and thoughts and more as obstacles that he must manipulate to get what he needs/wants. He didnāt get anything with honesty, but he was able to get things through lying and deceiving.
Though as a child, he didnāt have the emotional intelligence and impulse control as he does when he grows older. So his main way of defending himself and coping with his situation was to suppress any emotion he found inconvenient. He canāt get sad or angry at his guardian for breaking something he owned as that would mean that his guardian would know that it hurt him and it would be used against him in the future. He had to remain neutral and constantly focused on how he could twist the situation to gain an advantage over his guardian when he needed to argue for his right to eat later. How he felt in the situation didnāt matter as much as maintaining his access to his needs and staying one step ahead of his abusers.Ā
This worked out for him as he got better and better at reading the people around him and manipulating others to get what he needs and wants. But, emotional suppression as a coping mechanism never works out in the long term. Years of constant vigilance and emotional suppression lead to a very emotionally unstable and stressed Leon as he matured. And eventually he found himself falling on hard times which led him to join the military.Ā
The main thing that attracted him to a military career was that it gave him structure that was very attractive coming from the instability of his upbringing: guaranteed meals, regular sleep times, a clearly laid out schedule of activities that he can prepare for. (The military being some sort of local/state military most likely as I have the impression that the Gilded Citadel doesnāt just accept anyone from the streets to work for them.)
Enter his relationship with a certain someone (I donāt think there was an actual name given to the rabbit in the [Mind Flayer] video. Though people have assumed Yusagi, Iām just gonna call him Rabbit.).Ā
Things started normally between them. They were in the same trainee group and all the trainees got more familiar with each other as they bonded through the training they were put through. Though Leon always held a distance between him and others as he never feels comfortable with others due to his past. This caught Rabbit's attention as Leon was the one person who never hung out and joked around like the others in their group. Intrigued, Rabbit seeked out Leon more and initiated more interactions. Eventually, Rabbit was the only one that Leon was close to and became the only person that Leon actually trusted in his entire life.
(I have a lot of debates on how bad of a person Rabbit is. Did he set out to cause harm or did he have good intentions at the start of the relationship and they got twisted somehow as the relationship progressed? In the end, it doesnāt matter to the results of what actually happened so I didnāt think too much about it.)
As they got closer, Leon was dropping more and more of his mental barriers and revealing more of his fears and desires to Rabbit who was always so attentive and understanding (This could also be Rabbit is pulling more information out of Leon so he can exploit his vulnerabilities later). Under most circumstances, Leon wouldnāt have relaxed so easily. He knew the potential of harm that could come to him with so many admissions and truths. But years of anxiety and paranoia left his brain running on fumes. That combined with the new environment and the stability of the military schedule let himself finally relax the white knuckled grip he had on his emotions and outward expression. Once a little gave, the whole of the years of suppressed emotions followed.Ā
Rabbit took every reveal and emotional outburst in. Part of him living in the moment, delighting in every reveal and shared secret only between the two of them. Another part of him considers their relationship in the long term, building a mental profile of Leon and all his joys and traumas. As they get closer, Rabbit is more and more confident that Leon could be someone that he can control. This is when Rabbit puts in more time and energy to get Leon dependent on him so that Leon is deeply entwined and trusting of Rabbit as he starts showing his true colors and twists the relationship into something that serves himself better.Ā
Though Leon is usually much better at detecting danger and protecting himself, in this vulnerable state he had little energy to recognize that their relationship slowly slipped into an abusive one. Rabbitās abuse also presented differently than his guardians which made it harder for Leon to catch on to all the gaslighting and lovebombing Rabbit was doing. As Rabbit was his only true confidant (basically becoming his therapist at times), Rabbit was able to hold a lot of sway over Leonās emotions and how he interpreted events. Even when the abuse did become physical, Leon was led to invalidate his own pain and instincts. Leon was always stronger than him and Leon was the one with the messed up past so it would have made it more likely that Leon would be the abuser (likelier to emulate his guardians) rather than Rabbit. Or so Rabbit said. (some DARVO type stuff). (Leon may also be susceptible to this as he spent a while suppressing his emotions so he has some issues actually identifying what emotions are coming up and ended up trusting Rabbitās opinions).Ā
Leon was able to reassess the relationship due to a brief period of separation (Either this is due to something about how the military did (ex. Relocating them separately) or that Leon was able to ask to get placed somewhere else as he became increasingly uncomfortable with the relationship). This is when Leon was able to actually reconnect with how he actually felt. First noticing the lack of unease when Rabbit was absent which eventually led him to reconsidering the things that Rabbit told him. Without Rabbit there to constantly redirect his attention and reaffirm his lies, Leon was able to quickly realize something was wrong in their relationship. Betrayal and anger were the first emotions that hit before it settled into a cold acceptance and disappointment in himself. This was always how it was. He was a fool to think it could end any differently. His judgement was blinded by hearing the first nice words in his life. But, he himself has done the same before to others. The manipulation, the cycle of conflict and resolution with no real change, empty words and promises; it all became clear to Leon that this relationship wasnāt unique or special. It was the same interactions he dealt his entire life with a different coat of paint.
Rabbitās mistake was assuming this period of mental crisis was Leonās normal mental state. He was mistaken in believing that he could remove the fight out of Leon. That all the time they spent together showed that Leon was close to succumbing completely to Rabbitās influence. But, Leon didnāt survive his childhood through fawning and passivity. Everything he has gotten in childhood was something he fought for, every conversation and interaction being a negotiation for his right to live. When the hand that was supposed to feed him refused, he bit off its fingers to satiate his hunger. And if Rabbit was going to be more of an enemy rather than an ally, he was going to make Rabbit pay.
Insert [Mind Flayer].
(I have a lot of different interpretations of what [Mind Flayer] video showed. My current main interpretation Leon has tried to move on or is still in the middle of processing everything that has happened, not expecting to come into contact with Rabbit anytime soon.Ā But, unexpectedly, Rabbit returns/is able to visit and makes a bid to keep their relationship alive. He can tell that this period has led Leon to rethink some things but is overconfident that he can convince Leon to fall back in line. This triggers Leon into action, his final straw, as he fully accepts who Rabbit actually is and acts accordingly. Rabbit is killed. All of Leonās grief and anger about the relationship fuels his antisocial tendencies and his mind starts on its path to become the psychopathic, manipulative Leon we know today.)
The aftermath for Leon was quite emotional though it took a while for him to admit it to himself. It started with him trying to fall back on old coping habits of emotional suppression and just gritting his teeth to do what he needed to do. But, with the hurt so recent and the betrayal hitting so deep, it was soon obvious that this wouldnāt work like it did in the past. He would often swing between overwhelming emotions and impulsivity to feeling hollow out and barely reacting. His self control was another thing that he sees as vital to him surviving his childhood. Seeing he had somehow lost both of his defenses made him fear that somehow Rabbit broke something inside of him.Ā
Recovery was only able to happen when Leon was eventually able to recognize how his emotional suppression, once his best defense, was the biggest thing holding him back (This realization could just happen randomly or be brought on after his darkest moment in his current mental state). Leon may have struggled with emotional intelligence, but he wasnāt dumb. He had enough intelligence as a child to run laps around his adult guardian's arguments and enough quick thinking to get him out of any blame. Even if Rabbit broke something irreplaceable in him, he would still have his intelligence to get him through, he told himself.Ā
Thought by thought, bias by bias, fallacy by fallacy, he slowly broke down and analyzed every thought and opinion he had. Mentally setting up a blank slate and systematically deciding which part of his mind he wanted to keep and which to debunk, rationally disagree with, and move on from. From how easily Rabbit was able to manipulate his thoughts and emotions, Leon never trusted anyone's opinions on him or comments about his character, both positive and negative. The only person he trusted to understand him was himself.Ā
(I had a thought that he was being made to go through some psychological evaluations due to his actions against Rabbit and his subsequent irrational behavior. Leon wouldnāt have taken any diagnosis or therapeutic terminology that they described him with no matter the professional. But, Iām not sure if he would even be in the military at this point due to how he killed Rabbit so maybe he was forced to have an evaluation after he got discharged? Or maybe no psych evaluation.)
This gives way to the current Leon. Much more stable and confident in himself, he has regained his self-sufficiency and self control. Like Don, he is very antisocial but differs in the way that he will put more effort in to discourage others interacting with him (as in Don avoids people because he likes being alone, Leon avoids people because he detests being around others. Both are not social, but for different reasons). He doesnāt care to connect/relate with people.
Nor does he believe that anyone can give him a better understanding of himself. If someone asks him to describe himself, he quite literally wouldnāt have the words to explain because he finds no point in applying the restriction of words and other peopleās subjective assessments to what he is experiencing. He already fully understands how his brain works and operates and sees no reason to try and convert the full range of his emotions and mind processes into simplistic terms for others to understand him (He would get suspicious if a person tries to āget to knowā him and will discourage this behavior with little regard to the other personās wellbeing).
He does find some value in words when applied to others as it can help him get a better read on people, but he also has his own system of analyzing people. Again, he will never explain this process to others because he sees no point. This is also why he prefers projecting a slightly unsettling, dangerous presence as it makes most people leave him alone (and it often is accurate to how he is feeling). Leon is often considered the most dangerous member of Section 5 due to this perceived unpredictability as he puts a lot of effort into not letting anyone see his true intentions to maintain control of any situation. He is also dangerous as he has little regard for anyone elseās wellbeing and has no reservations in doing things that will get him results the fastest (likeliest to do harm and have no regrets).
Anything romantic still remains as a trigger for him even as he still finds what Rabbit did to him a bit hard to process. The fact that someone could twist all his defenses to work against him, convincing him to do things against his will and better judgment still keeps a part of him on edge when someone attempts to get close to him. In some aspects Rabbit's abuse was worse than his childhood as at least, even though he was materially lacking, he knew who he was and was able to act according to his best interests. Rabbitās gaslighting and manipulation messed with Leonās entire view of the world and himself and reduced his ability to trust his own judgments.Ā
Out of everyone in Section 5, Leonidas is the most dependent on his instinct to judge a situation. This is not necessarily saying that Leon has stronger instincts than the others, he just puts more weight into his gut feeling that something is wrong or off. He refuses to ever return to a mental state where he can no longer trust himself and have to be dependent on another (similar to Raf in a sense as they both work hard to not lose an aspect of themselves that they nearly lost in the past). Currently, Leon has a near flawless track record on guessing and estimating situations (I say ānearā flawless because there are a few times when his trauma with Rabbit took precedent and prevented him operating at his best. These times have gotten rarer as he continues to be a part of Section 5). This usually means that he is the quickest to act in novel situations.
The biggest change from his childhood self is that rather than turning his emotions inwards (suppressing emotions), he now directs them outward (processing them and moving through the world in a way that acknowledges the emotion but still making a well through action). He understands how he made himself vulnerable by ignoring his emotional state and now considers his emotions equally as important as his more logical side. This can appear to some people that he is operating solely on emotions due to how fast and rash some of his decisions are. In actuality, he is fully thinking through his actions, it is just his brain is able to process and think quicker than the average person (I consider Leonās intelligence more as a faster thinking process rather than a very complex one or with deep knowledge in many subjects. The other types of intelligence describe Rafās or Donās intelligence more. Not to say that Leon isnāt complex or the other two are slow thinkers, just different specializations).
Section 5 from @chessman-protocol's rottmnt covert au
Part 1: Donovan - 516 words (CW: Confinement, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), eating disorder, dissociation)
Part 2: Rafid - 1288 words (CW: Mentions of cannibalism and violence, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), confinement)
Part 3: Leonidas - 2726 words (CW: Childhood neglect or abuse, manipulation, abusive relationship, domestic violence, murder)
Part 4: Mikhail - 496 words (CW: Mentions of harm)
Part 5: Personal reflections and other author notes - 903 words
Rafid - In comparison to Don, where it feels that all his past was in the experiment, Raf had more of a childhood before he was forced into the experiment and this is where most of their differences arise.Ā
Raf comes into the experimentation with typical level of socialization for someone of his age with some adverse life experiences (his life before wasnāt all sunshine and rainbows as he ended up here against his will). The testing and experiments around him were involved with chemicals and drugs specifically to create a living weapon: stronger muscles, faster healing, higher stamina, sharper senses, and a bunch of other side effects that werenāt well documented (I like the idea that either Raf or Don destroyed/stole the records somehow. Only they know the true extent of what has happened to them).Ā
One of those side effects was the mental and psychiatric effects of the substances. Starting from a relatively well adjusted state from his upbringing to feeling his mind slip and his values twist into something unrecognizable was almost more painful than all the chemical induced growth that was tearing apart his body. This is all compounded with the ātrainingā sessions they had Raf do in an attempt to mold him into an unthinking and unfeeling weapon. This is where his strongest triggers originate from as they tried to desensitize him to a variety of different horrors that could appear on the battlefield (this is where most of his unease at open wounds and force cannibalism comes from).Ā
After a while of this happening, Raf came into contact with Don. I see this as a situation where they were kept in the same cell together as whoever was running the experiments was running out of resources/space for the growing amount of projects they have going on. Raf and Don got put together as they were going to be injected with a similar chemical blend for a period.
(Iām still undecided on the reason why Don interacts with Raf here since Don has been here longer than Raf and has settled into his way of dissociation to cope with stress. I think it comes down to this is the first time that Don has contact with someone who isnāt an experimenter. Also the fact that they are going to be facing a similar procedure means that it is the first time Don may be able to anticipate the side effects of whatever they are injecting and prepare for it as he sees how it affects Raf first (a little bit of agency Don can claw back). Rafās rationale to reach out to Don is more straightforward: this is the one of the few people that he is not forced to kill and that he actually gets to spend time with.Ā )
However their connection starts, they heavily depend on each other to survive this period. Don is able to provide stability for Rafās constantly shifting mind and help him retain a little of himself between the bouts of psychosis and ātrainingā sessions (Raf also finds a lot of value in meditation like Don later in life). Raf helps Don fill gaps in his memory and any news and changes that he is able to eavesdrop. This is where the majority of Rafās ability to read and assess people comes from. Not only are the two of them relying on his ability to eavesdrop and read into their tormentorsā actions, Raf is also tuning in to Donās body language and noting important cues that Don can no longer notice in himself (ex. Raf is the first to notice if Don is hungry as he watches for any subtle jaw positioning or increased stillness in the body that indicates that Donās body is getting low on energy/hungry.). As a result of this mutualism, they are both mentally and physically fit enough to take advantage of an opportunity to escape.Ā
Raf is similar to Don in the ways that he greatly values his agency and independence. However, instead of social withdrawal, Raf sees social interaction as an effective and reliable way of achieving what he wants. Don finds value in being independent from people while Raf finds agency and power in social situations where his people's reading skills allow him to feel more in control. After their escape, Don is occupying his mind with learning more about what was done to them (learning the nature of the chemicals they were injected with) and working on being less dissociated. Raf is navigating the duo through social dynamics and institutions to make sure their basic needs are met like housing and food without being taken advantage of. This makes great use of his heightened senses and also hones his people's reading abilities. Both this and his experiences in the facility has taught him the importance of holding his cards close and not interrupting others as they are talking as people often reveal more than they realize (āDonāt interrupt your enemy while they are in the process of destroying themselfā type stuff). This can create the interpretation that he is silent, apathetic, and disengaged to people who are not familiar with him (In reality, he is always listening and reading every action you do).Ā
Raf came out of the facility with many issues processing and sorting his own thoughts. But, with the aid of Don and a secure living space, he is able to build up his memory and mental resilience. It helps that there were many opportunities to put these skills into practice (navigating nuanced social interaction to not be taken advantage of) and that Don was able to figure out ways to help lessen the mental side effects he is facing.Ā
(A tedious process of figuring out what over-the-counter drugs that they can take without bad drug interactions with the illegal ones in their system and low risk home remedies to take the edge off of the worst symptoms. Eventually, Don is able to synthesize his own drugs that are designed to help with their unique issues and chemical injections. But this only happens when Don has access to a lab which doesnāt happen for a while).
Ā Even as his mental capabilities are returning to normal, Raf doesnāt take them for granted. Even now, in Section 5, Raf is the most likely to engage with strategic and people reading games that benefit from memorization and keeping track of multiple situations at once (He would be killer at all the New York Times daily games, but there is no player to player interactions so he isnāt that interested. He favors games like cards and mahjong). This makes him very intelligent despite the disadvantages he faced due to the chemicals in his system.
(I think somewhere along the line he develops an interest in tech and computers as 1) they are in a very technologically advanced world and anyone without any computer science knowledge is at a huge disadvantage and 2) a big part of tech is also the problem solving aspect and juggling multiple ideas at once which is something that Raf wants to improve in.)
Part of bettering his mental capabilities and resilience is to also reduce the stress and anxiety he feels when reminded of his triggers. The majority of the stress comes from fear of losing himself in the violence like the experimenters wanted him to. Nowadays, he is much more stable and has people around him (Section 5) to help him if he feels out of control (though this is extremely rare). Despite all his growth, he still feels uncomfortable in the presence of particularly gruesome wounds. This is something that he has accepted about himself rather than seeing it as a flaw to fix.
(Pt 1) Pasts, trauma responses, and coping mechanisms: The basis of my interpretation of Section 5 characters
I have been thinking on and off about the characterization of the covert au turtles from @chessman-protocol for a while. Now I will unleash it upon the world:Ā
Note that these are personal interpretations and head cannons. Assume there is an āI thinkā¦ā or āI believeā¦ā before every sentence.Ā
Also this used to be one huge document so I wrote the sections with the expectation that you are reading them in order:
Part 1: Donovan - 516 words (CW: Confinement, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), eating disorder, dissociation)
Part 2: Rafid - 1288 words (CW: Mentions of cannibalism and violence, illegal experimentation (loss of agency), confinement)
Part 3: Leonidas - 2726 words (CW: Childhood neglect or abuse, manipulation, abusive relationship, domestic violence, murder)
Part 4: Mikhail - 496 words (CW: Mentions of harm)
Part 5: Personal reflections and other author notes - 903 words
Donovan - Coming from a past of experimentation with his autonomy ignored, this leads him to become very withdrawn as the space in his mind becomes the only place where he can find peace. Refusing to comply was also one of the first ways he was able to exert any sort of control over his body: refusing to eat, to drink, to communicate, or anything else that they wanted him to do. Not consuming anything also came from the fact that the food and water he was given was often laced with whatever they wanted to test on him. Though this refusal didnāt usually produce any actual changes as there were plenty of ways of injection and they adjusted their experimental procedures to not need his input (ex. judging pain by cortisol levels and heart rate instead of asking).
These factors result in a very anti-social individual with little regard for anyoneās thoughts or values beyond how it can hinder or help him. Don greatly values his independence and often detests interaction with others. His past has also led him to develop a very deep and rich inner mind (he finds the most value and appreciation for meditation and other meditative activities compared to the others of Section 5) as well as exceptional impulse control and pain tolerances.Ā
He has some issues remaining grounded and in tune with his bodyās needs so he will do self care activities (eating, sleeping, hydration, hygiene) based on a mental schedule/checklist rather than listening for his body cues because they often donāt exist. It isnāt clear if he lost his interospection due to the experiments or how his mind coped with the experiments. It often feels like he traded his awareness of his surroundings and body for unparalleled mental sharpness and intelligence.Ā
As Don got older, he was able to process more of his past and now is one of the more stable members in Section 5. He has a huge hunger for knowledge after so many years being left in the dark and not understanding anything he was made to go through. This has put Don in proximity with a lot of places, people, and equipment that reminds him of his past. However, being the experimenter rather than the experimenter has helped a lot with this exposure. He could choose the topics he wanted to study, what procedure to follow or create his own, and it can be done all independently. He is able to mentally keep his past separate from the experiments he is currently doing as he finds the malpractice that happened to him more of a trigger rather than the process of experimentation itself. All of these factors led him to rely on knowledge gathering and experimentation as a coping method rather than dissociation. His topics of study often involve drug and chemical development and interactions with the body.Ā
This is not to say that Don has no issues now that he is older, but he understands his mind much better to control his reactions and he has a much better support system within Section 5.Ā
I did it. Kraang in romance. Krang in doomed yaoi.
I think I convinced myself to ship this now lmao
Also Casey x April is one of my favorite ships. (A bit rushed)
Here is the vision for rottmntās Shredder x Krang One:
I may be misremembering so stuff, but thatās what makes it fun.
I think it is unlikely that the Krang would give some random person a FULL SUIT of KRANG ARMOR. Wouldnāt Krang just like ignore them? Like we see them as only valuing power and now this weak creature is talking to them. I think they would go āewā and squash him.
So, head cannon: one of the Krang (Krang One) found Oroku Sakiās (Shredder) ambition for power amusing and/or interesting and humored him by giving him an old iteration of his suit. I think the fact that the Krang made him a specific suit silly as I donāt believe that they would use their resources on some random human.
(Imma start referring to Krang One as One and Oroku Saki as Saki now. Feel free to correct me if I should be using Oroku instead of Saki)
Their deal would be something like One will give him access to tremendous power (the suit) and Saki will strive to honor the power he is given by striving to obtain more power (One also sees this as a personal experiment with humans)
Extra head-cannon is that One saw some of himself in Saki as someone constantly striving for more power and doing anything to have it. So they bonded through this which was what I was trying to portray here:
Now here is where I lack any information about what happened in canon so Iām making up stuff.
The Krang group sent to earth was only to gather information for a later invasion so they didnāt immediately try and destroy everything on Earth. One and Saki kept in contact as One was interested in how another life form could adapt to Krang armor and Saki curious about the Krangās culture and their immense power and knowledge (think of how to improve the foot clan). This was a good time. Honeymoon phase honestly.
Though they were both power hungry, they had different motivations. Saki did it for his clan and to protect the people he cared for while it was just the natural law of things for One. This lead to One asking Saki to do something that would likely give him immense power, but at the sacrifice of his family.
(Iām thinking something along the lines of, the only people you should surround yourself with are people who will make you stronger (make relations with anyone who is strong). Any liabilities must be eliminated (stop wasting time protecting/discard your family and the weak clan members).
This didnāt agree with Sakiās goals, so he refused. One took this as a betrayal as it seemed that Saki wasnāt true to his deal that he would constantly strive to be stronger. One can also see this as an insult to the Krangās values and way of life.
What does Krang One do when his situationship goes sour? Brain washing.
(This is how Iām interpreting the corrupting aspect of the armor. Those I do think the armor can slowly change the wearerās mind to think more like Krang, I think it is more interesting if this corruption is done interpersonally in this case.)
Iām still debating if this would be a slow or an instant transformation into the Shredder as both can have interesting character interactions between Saki, One, Karai, and the rest of foot clan.
However it happens, eventually Karai will turn on her father, Saki, and found the Hamato clan to defeat him. In the deepest parts of the Shredder, Saki remained. Proud of his daughterās accomplishments, but in deep shame and regret that the he let this happen. He fears for her as the mind controlling his body wants her dead.
(In the corner it says āIām sorry, Karaiā very faintly)
A part of One is absolutely livid that Saki chose weaklings over him, not understanding how anyone could possibly be a better choice than him. A part of One is coldly disappointed with the results of his experiment with the human species and the time wasted. Perhaps a bit of One is jealous of those Saki cared about, and wonders what he lacks that they have. Perhaps the betrayal hurt One in ways heās never felt before. Perhapsā¦
Nothing. One was a part of the Krang. They are powerful. And nothing can stop One.
I need to get over my people pleasing and just start drawing whatever again. Sorry if you followed for ROTTMNT stuff. I still love that show and love the fandom, I just need to have fun with my personal projects for a bit (+ life has been a pain lately so I've been picky with the stuff I wanna spend my limited energy on).
Have been redrawing a couple of old ideas/stories I've had when I was younger. Years ago, I was deep into my phase of "but I can fix it!" where I would purposely seek out bad media and daydream for hours on how I would improve it. It rarely resulted in anything, but it did lead to a better phase called "but there's potential..." where I would just start trying to do the most worldbuilding and story writing out of a random set of tropes or rules.
(A huge amount of yapping ahead, not expecting people to read everything there is art at the very bottom. CW: child abuse?)
One of those set of rules was tropes that popped up in gacha life videos that were really popular in the past. Like many others, I was intrigued by the "hated child becomes lost princess" plotline/trope. A child is hated/abused by their family and bullied until they discover their true identity as the Royal family's lost daughter (usually from a transformation class or something magic) and thus they get revenge on everyone who wronged them and live happily ever after.
There was so much to dig into: how did the child get misplaced? how did the magic system work? What is the education system? Is the royal family just the bloodline with the most power (if so, can they be usurped)? How did this traumatic upbringing affect the child as they lived with their real family?
Of course, my brain immediately turned to conspiracies about how the royal family was evil and somehow this storyline was how they were able to maintain their power as the royal family, because I was no different from every other kid who thought it was cool when stereotypical "good" guys are evil and the "villains" are actually good. This lead to:
World building #1: Pain and suffering leads to increased magical power.
In my universe, magic was something taxing on the body so the body wouldn't use magic unless there is an enormous stressor that it can't over come in other ways. This often lead to people coming from horrible childhoods having immense magical power able to do nearly anything. But, often they would face many mental health issues which is only worsened by the toll magic has on their bodies. Its not hard to imagine how this could lead to someone in a position of power paranoid about losing their power and seeking a way to protect their legacy forever through their children.
Now, they can't have their children have happy childhoods or else they wouldn't have enough magic power to continue maintain their political power AND they can't cause the harm to their children or else their children will rebel against them with tons of magic. Solution: Send the child into a bad situation and then "rescue" them. They will have a lot of magic power and they will be loyal to their real parents. When the children find out the truth, they wouldn't rebel as they will be old enough to see how it would benefit them to continue the system.
Thus the classic trope has a reason to be and I have a ton of potential character motivations to play with. This gave me a lot of fun and I did create a story around this, but I became more fascinated with:
World building #2: Chase for (magic) power leads to a "wintery" apocalypse.
Another trope that exists in the gachaverse is the "secret evil laboratory experiment on people" (mostly children). I, personally, never really liked this trope because I found it boring. I think this is because there wasn't anything unique about this trope in the gachaverse compared to other forms of media. It felt like just suffering for suffering sake with some popular music about suffering. But, through my love of biology, I have used it in my world building.
With advances in technology, there would also be advances in the understanding of magic and the development of more sophisticated ways of increasing and using magic.
One discovery is why everyone has animal ears and tails and neon colors when they transform (because I must explain everything lol). I've decided that this is due to Hox genes/ master regulatory genes. In real life, these genes help make sure you develop correctly (ex. you have a correct front/back, your eyes grow on your head and not your legs). When magic is involved, it acts like another hox gene that overrides your current body development so you are capable of doing magic. This can lead to unintentional changes like changes in hair and eye pigment and changes in ear structure thus, you have neon blue hair and fox ears/tail.
(Why mostly wolf/fox/bunny/winged transformations? Still undecided. Probably gonna make it related to how the first humans got magic).
This could also cause duplications of certain traits i.e a set of human ears from your normal genes and a set of furry magic ears from the magic genes. (now no one can call my designs weird for having 2 sets of ears! Its part of the worldbuilding HAHA!). This could also result in multiple pairs of ears, tails, and wings in individuals with particularly strong magic.
Soo back to the experiments. This discovery lead to scientists to try and discover away to artificially turn these magic genes on without having trauma to activate them. But, this world was already built on a cycle of suffering and generational traumas so there would be situations where things were pushed too far in the name of science (thus the "evil human experiment" trope is explained).
This lead to a person that capable of immense magic that could take magic from others. This was a huge break through, but they did not realize the true extent of what they have done. As a result of countless painful experiments, there was nothing but thoughts of revenge in the person. This person didn't just take magic, they took everything for others and used their magic to convert it into more magic. It left the others to practically disintegrate as there was nothing to them anymore, not physically nor mentally nor spiritually. The person wanted every person who had caused their hurt to cease existence, so it used it's magic to do so. Even the environment began to drain and collapse from the mere presence of the person.
Thus the apocalypse began.
Months passed after the event and the world is an almost unrecognizable blank state covered in "snow". "Snow" being the few remains of the world and its people that weren't able to be absorbed. Called snow because it is cold to the touch. You can feel it draining your warmth and energy. Be in contact for too long and you will become snow yourself. Some people believe that its those who have gone trying to claw back whatever they have lost.
A some populations remain. Everyone that exists currently had some sort of magic to protect them or were luckily out of the direct path of the apocalypse. Or are part of the second wave of the apocalypse:
World building #3: People who are snow-bitten become demons.
Despite the destruction that the original person caused, they were still only one person. With the waning human populations, its becoming rare for the person to come into contact with anyone else randomly. Some say that this lead to the original person to become inactive, burdened by too much magic and pain without an outlet, they have stopped their rampage. But a new problem arose.
Though it was a breakthrough in the past, now there are many people with the magic to take from others, to erase them, to take their souls. These were (so creatively/s) called demons. It has been known that contact with another person's magic could influence one's own (ex. if you have water magic, you could develop ice magic by being with someone with ice magic) and this had been largely accepted as to how demons exist. People who have been in snow have an increased chance of developing demonic magic.
A new term "snow-bitten" has arose to describe these people. Snow-bitten people had a certain look to them. They are dull, pale, or, most concerningly, colorless. As the snow takes, it also visibly removes pigments from anything it has contact with: hair, clothing, items, etc.
(I'm not sure how far I want this colorless effect to go especially when it comes to skin color since that has a lot of meaning in the real word and it doesn't feel right to literally whitewash people in this story. I've come with a compromise where hair is easier to drain to pure white, while skin just becomes dull/colorless (still retains its color value). Eventually, I will draw these characters without an outline as they succumb to the snow.)
Not to say everyone is destined to become a demon after becoming snow-bitten, but it is likely. After being in the snow for too long, people often feel a change in behavior. They hunger for something. A nagging persistent feeling at their core that they are lacking. That they are incomplete and need something.
Demons result when one listens to this desire. In contrast to the snow-bitten, they are often eye-bleedingly colorful from the excess of magic they contain. This excess of magic helps shield them from the effects of snow and they use this freedom to wander the world in search for their next meal, people. There have been cases of demons consuming other demon's magic, but this is rare.
So a need to defend against these demons lead rise to demon hunters, people with more magic than the average surviving population that use specially crafted weapons infused with magic to defend against demons (though the source of the weapons are a little dubious).
And so finally... I can introduce my two characters: Moni (a demon) and Wes (a demon hunter) who have found themselves forced to travel together as a particularly bad snowstorm threatens their wanning magic.
Old Character sheets:
Newest iteration and concepts:
Thanks for coming to my rambles. Despite everything, I'm still very undecided on many aspects. Likely to change. Every here was supposed to be a huge reveal in the middle of the story like "you thought this story was set in the past? well ha! its actually the future dark age" but I thought it was better to write something than nothing at all, so here it is :P
