"All around my memories, you dance." -

THE AVETT BROTHERS | 26

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constantly fatigued

from the most draining process:

snoozing my alarms

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The most noxious haze of the winding, dark cave, And old Jolly Roger’s mysterious fog, The misty traverses for cap of the sky, And the wide-open free-fall in level of cog: There are barriers - always - to cleanness of thought - Some invisible walls barring runs fast and smooth, But hurdles can lessen with time (and they will), For being with you, it can comfort and soothe.

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It's 4am, seven months later, and I still can't sleep.

Why must you be so clingy when I'm unconscious,

Particularly given you walked away from the inverse?

I was in so deep.

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Last Easter Sunday, I spread eggs around the house we had just bought, protecting them from Nev, who sought them for himself, leaving us dregs.

But for dogs, chocolate isn’t great - so, even though it seemed unfair to him, mum and dad didn’t share, and a walk would need satiate.

Twelve months on, I’ve not heard from mum for self-inflected painful weeks, as my discipline sometimes leaks, and I let my mind become numb.

Our house isn’t our house these days, and Nev is deeply missed each day. I struggle to keep hurt at bay as I drift through this healing phase.

Now, this Easter Sunday, I think. Wondering when the pain will end, I conclude that, though hearts can mend, mine will always carry this chink.

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Wanted love. Got trauma.

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Dreamt of us again,

just living life together.

Woke to this nightmare.

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all of a sudden,

every single person known

is getting married.

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when I think of you,           my heart, it feels so deeply full,           like the world has perfect balance,           like I needn’t push nor pull. and when I think of you,           my heart, it drowns in passioned pride,           like true happiness of being,           like a homely warmth inside. so when I think of you,           now that cleaving’s underway,           I am hurting, but I love you,           and I don’t know what to say.

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Being unwanted doesn’t mean you’re useless.

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I torture myself thinking about you.

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anxiety drips like nails on a chalkboard straight into my heart

201023

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some seven years later, and now we are this.

I love you, I’m sorry - a violent abyss.

201023

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He started the fire. I froze.

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1am

Here he comes

Back again

Manic hums

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The silence that we nurture, Respect that we have sewn, Soon taken and corrupted, If only we had known.

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A dollar from finding a fortune, An hour away from the throne, A cobblestone short of a castle, We’ll travel rejection alone; We had everything that we needed, But not quite enough for the greed - The shining lights now that engulf us, The same as the unwanted creed.

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A decade down the drain, now - A decade served in thought. A decade for the drowning - The timidness I’ve caught.