It's just a blog

We all have secrets

[nhaaale21]

Life update : Stand up straight even when the ground beneath you is trembling

[nhaaale21]

Be you

I need a chance where I can cry and not be scared to look or feel weak. I need to be able to talk to someone who doesn't know what's going on around my life. Maybe a chance to realize how much my dad sucks at being a dad sometimes. What is it that keeps me going everyday? I'm honestly not sure if I'm depressed or not. There's days where I feel like more of an adult then my dad. And days where I just feel like a little kid. I'm almost 18 and I feel suffocated by both my parents. I should be able to do what I want. I should be able to go out with a couple of my friends, or for fuck sake be in control of my own relationship instead of being told what to do and how to do it. So here I am asking myself again and again and again, why did I have my mother whom I haven't seen since I was 2 get pulled out of my arms, why does my dad get shit face drunk all the time and then ruin everything for me when every thing is just getting good. Why am I still getting treated like a child when im almost 18.

[nhaaale21]

I went to hell to save you but you rather stay there Some people just arnt met to be saved

[nhaaale21]

Just be somebody

I want to be somebody, somebody who can cry and not be scared to show how weak they really can be. I want to be someone doesn't have to stand up to. You can be your own person why would you look up to someone else and continue on with their mistakes and flaws. I mean yes of course we all have our flaws but wouldn't it be better if you made new ones instead of going on a constant repeat of someone else's wouldn't that get old?

[nhaaale21]

Its like a fairy tale

Its funny how I thought my step mom was the best thing in the world. She had a job, she would call me everyday and asked me if I has a good day. But on the day I thought and thought I eventually began to realize that she didn't treat me like the 3 children she had. Maybe it was because I wasn't her real daughter, that I was only her husband's daughter so she really had no choice but to put up with me and buy me clothes and shoes. She wasn't really supportive about anything, and she always picked out my flaws and pointed them out to everyone else. She called me a lier and once I stood up to her and called her other 3 kids a lier she threw me up against the wall and chocked me. A couple months went by and my mom and dad got into a really big fight. We left and didn't look back on the way to our destination I confessed to my dad what she had done to me. I didn't tell him for his sake, he seemed happy and so in love and I didn't want to be the one to ruin it. We haven't seen them in 4 years until this very day on a very hot summer day in Florida on June 27th I realized how much they changed and inside of me I wanted to cry for them but I couldn't I was just so angered. Not at them, but at my ex step mom I guess you would call her. I found out that two 11 and 12 year olds both curse. The 11 year old is a boy and I guess now he smoke weed now. And the 12 year old I know nothing about she just curses. I literally want to go back up to New York and strangle my ex stop mother for teaching them the worst manners, and life lessons. I don't know what to do now other then the fact to just sit here and constantly think how did someone so polite go to being a stoner, not having manners, or not knowing what could cause damage in your life. Was it our fault that we left or they going to be acting this way if we were still here. Or maybe it was how there mom raised them.

[nhaaale21]

Know me

I’m not use to getting anything that I want. I didn’t see my sister till I was 14 years old, and honestly I didn’t like her at first. She had braces on and glasses she was a nerd. She loved books, and harry potter was her favorite series. Her and my older brother got a long well for the first couple days. I didn’t meet my mom till I was 15 years old and it was the most emotional, most amazing thing thats ever happened to me. My life started to change slowly when I moved in with my sister. I never drank a cup of coffee, or read, or even liked nerds. I’m 17 years old now I drink coffee, I can read and read and read and never get tired of it, and of course nerds. I love them all mostly science and math nerds, i’m also strangely attracted to them. I thought every thing was starting to fall in place when I turned 16, I spent my first birthday with my mom and older sister who I also met when I was 15. It was rad I got a surf board that was handed down but I also didn’t have a problem with it. I was just happy at the fact that I got to spend my 16th birthday with my mom. Later on in the school year, my mom had gone to the doctors and was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. I was devastated. I didn’t understand what was going on other than the part that my mom, the one that gave birth to me had cancer. I cried and cried and had the worst school year ever. It didn’t get worst till my 11th grade year. I also spent my 17th birthday with her, not in the hospital but at her house. It felt nice to be with her again and I was always by her side. She colored my hair this burgundy color and I fell in love with it. She gave me a picture that said Dance on it with a bunch of pictures of my older sister, her, and I in it. Around the first week in December mom got really sick, and no one told me that she was feeling ill before. She was put in the hospital, so of course I went to visit her and was hurt to see her in such pain. The doctors told us that she didn’t have long to live. They we’re right, dad asked me if I wanted to stay until she was gone. I couldn’t, I didn’t like feeling pain and I still don’t. I didn’t want to hear the flat line, and have the reassurance that my mother, the one who gave birth to me, was dead. 

escaping-to-oblivion

[nhaaale21]

What is love?