warnings: angst, use of “y/n”
description: you and billie are “casual” and you decide to finally say something about it, billie is angry and scared at first, and you try to talk to her about it.
pairings: reader x billie
that’s what billie had said, from the moment we met, she told me she couldn’t do relationships and i told her that was fine.
i hadn’t meant to fall for her like i did. i tried to push it down, but i just couldn’t.
and now i was laid across her bed in nothing but lace panties while she played her guitar. but of course, this was casual in her eyes.
i was snapped out of my thoughts by billie.
i replied still staring at the ceiling
“i said are you okay, you’ve been laying there like that for like 20 minutes, you can talk to me you know”
she replied so casually, but it felt like i couldn’t, the thing i really wanted to tell her, she probably didn’t want to hear.
stupid reply but it’s all i could muster up in the moment.
she said softly, so softly i could have cried, i loved her so much.
i sat up, pulling a hoodie over my head, one of hers actually, she had given it to me a couple weeks ago, talk about casual.
“billie, can we- i-“ i sighed “i need to talk to you”
i let out, i couldn’t stand this anymore, i wanted more from us, i dreamed of being her girlfriend and knew she didn’t want that, but i couldn’t sit here and pretend i was okay with being causal.
“yeah course you can, c’mere”
she pat her lap, putting her guitar down, god she was so perfect.
i crawled across the bed and then into her lap on the desk chair she had been on, her arms instantly snaking around my waist.
“if i say something, do you promise not to freak out”
i said weary, looking at my hands, which i was fiddling with in my lap.
“tell me anything, i’m right here”
she said back instantly, so understanding and so loving.
“i think i’ve fallen in love with you-“
i blurted out, then shocked myself once i really realised what i had just said.
“i- and i know you don’t want-“
she interrupted me, she sounded confused more than anything.
the grip she had just had on me loosened, and my heart dropped to my stomach.
i said now extremely worried, realising i could have just fucked something really good up.
“y/n you know i can’t- i- this was supposed to stay casual”
she said sounded slightly panicked.
“i know i know and- im sorry, i just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore, and i couldn’t pretend like this is casual billie, i mean- i’ve met your family, im sat in your room right now half naked”
i said back, i was now in panic mode, i was saying anything without thinking.
“that was your choice to meet my family y/n, i told you- i said you didn’t have to do any of that!”
she said back practically pushing me off her as she stood up, walking across the room hand going to slide through her hair stressed, back to me. i’d never felt this empty in my life.
“billie- look i’m sorry, i- please don’t let this change anything i can’t lose you”
i was now talking quickly, my breath hitching slightly, i’d never really seen billie raise her voice until today.
“well you’ve kind of changed things around now y/n, i mean- what did you think i was gonna say “oh i love you too” and we ride of into the sunset, that’s not how this works, i don’t- i don’t do relationships!!”
she exasperated, clearly upset and angry, now i really didn’t know what to say, god i regretted it so much, i couldn’t stand to have billie angry at me, who knew it would hurt me this much.
“i- im sorry billie. i didnt think-“
“you didn’t think what!? you didn’t think i’d get angry, didn’t think i’d be fucking confused?! well i am! and how could you expect me to react differently”
tears escaped my eyes and ran down my face, she then turned and saw me, in shambles, half from her not wanting this but half that she was angry at me and yelling, i saw her face change when she saw my tears.
“no- don’t- don’t cry y/n, i can’t see you cry”
she said stepping closer like she was going to reach out for me, but she didn’t, it’s like something pulled her back.
i choked out, bringing my arm up to wipe away my tears, smudging mascara over my eyes. i stared up at billie, i didn’t know what i was meant to say now, i just honestly felt pathetic for ever thinking she would love me back.
“look y/n, you know i have a soft spot for you in my heart. and god, i want you too, but it can’t work, it would never work”
she said softly now, like she didn’t want to upset me any further.
i didn’t expect her to say that, to admit she did want me, and maybe i hadn’t been crazy about this connection between us.
“then why- why can’t we atleast try?”
i said with a slight sob, i wanted this so bad, i wanted her so bad, i was willing to lift mountains to make this work.
“it’s complicated baby, you know that, i’ve got a lot going on, my career, my family and mostly my mental state, i would just fuck everything up, and i don’t want to hurt you pretty girl”
i choked out a sob at that, i had been here for the last 3 months, id been to some of her tour, id met her family, and most of all, id seen her at her fucking worst, i’d been there for her, and i knew these were excuses because she was scared.
i said with a small cry, and her eyebrows furrowed.
“i- i don’t- i can’t- im scared”
she admitted under her breath, so very quiet, like she was even scared to admit that to me. and when she said it i took a small step closer, close enough that one of us could reach out to the other.
“you don’t need to be scared, not around me billie, you know that. i’ve been here, i’ve seen your life, i’ve seen you, the real you. and i want this, so so badly, and i don’t care if it’s difficult at times, i don’t care if you try to push away, i’ll help you, because i love you”
i said looking up her her, she was now looking down, playing with her rings in her hands.
i said softly and she looked up from her hands.
“please let me be yours. you don’t need to be scared. i want you, not anyone else.
she looked at me, really looked at me. took a second to breathe, then opened her mouth to speak slowly.
she said with a small sniff.
i said back with confidence.
“you’ll see that i’m not perfect.”
she said as small tears fell down her face.
“billie. i don’t care, your perfect in my eyes.”
she stared at me for a couple seconds.
she smiled with a little sniff as she rubbed her nose.
“yeah well- maybe i love you too”
she mumbled looking into my eyes, my heart filled. everything i wanted was here, right infront of me, i grabbed her hands and pulled her into a hug. she was slightly reluctant at first, then tightened her arms around me.
“i want this y/n, god i’ve wanted it since the day i met you. but- you can’t just leave me when you get bored.”
she said into my shoulder, i smiled into hers and whispered into her ear.
“i wouldn’t dream of it billie.”
she tightened her grip on me and took a deep breath.
“god my moms gonna be happy”
she mumbled, i could hear the smile on her face and i giggled.
i questioned, just making sure she wasn’t just doing this for me.
“of course im happy baby, i really wanted you, i was just scared, and im sorry i couldn’t do this sooner.”
i smiled and pulled back to look at her.
“don’t apologise, just- promise me your gonna love me as much as i love you”
i said looking up into her glossy eyes.
she said before pulling me into a gentle, loving kiss, a kiss that said much more than any words could, and in that moment, i knew billie was mine.
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