Travelling Soul

A soul on her way back home. إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ‎‎

[findingthesilenceinwords]

There was a time when you said that it was inconceivable for you to be my friend, that there were no exceptions to the new rule you had enacted, for what seemed to be ever-changing versions of our relationship.

There was a time I didn't believe, didnt want to accept that I couldn't hold on to you in some form. Desperately searching for touch-points, momentary overlaps, points of intersection. For I had sewn you into the very fibers of my beating heart, and how could I rip you out, thread by thread?

The ache has dulled now, it doesnt feel as visceral, time has faded the battle wounds of our love. When I see you, our past is hazy, the versions of you before me now, strangers with only the faintest scent of our memories. 

The last time we sat together. Your body bounced, from wall to wall, pacing back and forth, I watched you writher in the discomfort of sharing space. I can't tell anymore if it is a by-product of pain or of lost love. A physical manifestation of feelings that have no place to go.

The last time we spoke I told you, "people are no good at predicting what makes them happy anyway," you held my gaze a moment too long, as if to confer. You responded, "I've been doing my research on YouTube, theres a black market for exotic plants, you know the kinds that only ever bloom once in a lifetime." I chuckled, as if to say- kind of like us.

There was a time, way back when, you'd say to me "you are blossoming, my dear" and I would look at you as though you were my entire world. At the time it never occurred to me that I had a shelf date, a "use by" sticker on the bottom of the plant pot of my heart, a once in a lifetime kind of love thats withered.

When your wife walked in, I told her about the black market you'd researched, without missing a beat she looked at you and retorted "You already know that I dont want any plants in my house." How serendipitous, to have chosen a woman who has no taste for such whimsy. Now I am certain that you are meant for one another. For in the garden of love, what never blooms, also never dies.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

He lingers under the bedroom frame, eyes longing to meet mine. I am tempted to look, but instead I usher him back to the bedroom where she awaits his presence. The bedroom where she made herself known. The bedroom where the empty space was filled with her scent, her dreams, her desires, her body. I woke up every night in that foreign city with a longing to escape that emotional claustrophobia I was drowning in. I had no right to him, and yet I found myself leaning into his presence, soaking up his aura. Some forbidden apples poison you with the allure of tasting sweeter than you imagined. It is the "not knowing" that burns you over and over again. I will never admit how captivated I was watching him dipping in and out of that ocean, and he will never know what it feels like to have my scent lingering on the pillow case, my dreams whispered into the darkness of the night, the warmth of my body against his skin.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

If I wrote a book it would be called "stop looking for answers in a boy who doesn't love you"

And it would retell the story of all the boys who crossed my path on the journey of life who were given access to spaces in my heart and mind they were undeserving of. It would recount how I poured of myself into people who were incapable and unwilling to love me. Whose offerings never satiated my appetite for life or living.

But more importantly, it would ask all the important questions- the ones about fulfillment, empathy, on the meaning of existence, and how to heal the hurt others leave you with. It would ask, and ask, and ask. Until the answers came pouring out of the only place I should have been looking for them, from the beginning.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

Kind of tired of running a race I know I'll never get first place in. Of sending good morning texts and heart emojis to fill the silences in our conversations. Of wanting to spend time with someone who rather be anywhere else but beside me. Of sitting on the edge of my chair, eating cold dinners, anticipating the next phone call that pulls him away from me. Of spending Saturdays alone on the living room floor finding tv shows and films to pass the time with. Of wanting to pick fights because atleast then he talks to me for more than 5 minutes at a time. Of slowly fading. Of the foreign language of my emotions ringing in his ears. Of falling asleep against the emptiness of where his body should be. Of love leaking out of the balloon shaped heart of this relationship.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

When you walked away from all the promises we had prematurely made, I accepted the loss of you in all the forms I cherished most. But never did I anticipate losing you in your entirety...I thought "if I dont get to love him as a soulmate, I'll learn to love him as a friend." The process was painful, but the outcome was worth it. So tell me, why am I the one sitting in the sound of your silence now?

[findingthesilenceinwords]

For years, you had me wrapped around you fingers. Toying with my heart strings, as if i was some kind of emotional yo-yo. I never noticed, how you always seemed to draw me in and let me go on your own volition. My fear of losing you, prevented me from cutting my attachments.

But I am tired now. Because you can't seem to decide what version of me to include in your life. Strangers, lovers, or friends- the limbo of experiencing you is ever elusive and enigmatic.

This has always been on your terms, and somehow I've signed on the dotted line everytime, no matter the stipulation. But I am tired now..  of giving you the spare keys to the doors I promised I had closed, and of having you unlock them merely out of curiosity to witness who I've become in your absence.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

There is this beautiful analogy I once read about loss. Imagine grief as a button inside of a box. When we first lose something we love, the box of life is small and the button of grief takes over. We can't help but accidentally bump into it, over and over again, having all those raw emotions pour back into our hearts. As time goes on, the experiences of our lives makes the box bigger and the button of grief shrinks. It never fully goes away, but you find yourself knocking into it less and less often. I hadn't bumped into that button of losing you in a long time. I will admit I hadn't forgotten it existed either, but I was at peace with knowing that I didn't have to do much to maneuver around it.

Until that night, you leaned in to kiss me. In that moment it felt like the entire room was made from that button. Like I couldn't escape the loss of you. I was shocked at how intensely those feelings could re-emerge. I guess it is true what they say- if you ever truly loved someone, you never stop, you just change the form in which you express it in.

For the past 3 years, I learned to tuck away my love for you in crevices of my heart. And slowly, Life went on. I visited those spaces less and less often. Until they covered with dust. I learned to plant new seeds, I let them take root, and I nourished another love with someone new. I accepted that letting you go meant giving both you and myself opportunity once more to love other souls in ways that made our hearts feel at peace.

Now the crevices have cracked open. But I'll be okay, I've learned to live with the loss of you before, I know that button of grief will shrink once again. But this time, I will give space to my humanness. Instead of masterfully maneuvering around the loss, I will humbly acknowledge it. And I will find beauty and comfort in knowing that my love for you was formed in authenticity and genuinity. And that it is something to be grateful for, because so many people never get the chance to experience this.

You once said to me- "If we were cars I'd argue with the insurance company that it was you who crashed into me, but since we are souls I will contend that it was my soul that crashed into yours." I am wiser now and know that there is no blame in two souls colliding. Rather it is the impact of that collision and how you allow it to transform you in the aftermath that truly matters.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

What do you think it means if ex lets you kiss them on the cheek. 

It could mean a number of different things. It may mean they feel comfortable enough to be close to you physically without it being romantic. It may mean they are still interested in you. It may mean they miss you and wanted to remember what it feels like to be emotionally close to you in some way even if they don't see you in their future. But it doesnt really matter what I think, it matters what your ex thinks and feels about it. You should be transparent about it and ask them (if you are comfortable.) Maybe say something along the lines of, "hey I noticed you're cool with me kissing you on the cheek. Just wanted to clarify what that means to you." Its hard enough to figure out boundaries with your ex without being confused about cheek kisses. It may feel a little weird or awkward, but ultimately it is better in the long run to be clear about what your exs intentions are towards you and move forward with the correct intention than overthink and overanalyze what it could mean without any clear answers.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

I was raised by a mother with sadness in her eyes. I saw her cry more than she laughed. Her emotions felt raw and real and prevalent, so much so that I helped her carry them for years. So much so that I became a perpetual caregiver. So much so that her sadness permeated my own heart. But I'm being more mindful of what parts of others I choose to carry and reminding myself that boundaries are the highest form of self-empathy. Because you never have to be a band-aid for others wounds. But you can choose to hold their hands and show them love as they learn to heal themselves.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

Love, the second time around.

Is sweeter than the first, because your tongue is familiar with the taste now. It feels scarier, more raw, because you know the depths of which you can fall. It asks better of you, it asks you to face your fears and your flaws once again in the reflection of a new soul. It comes with patience and humility, because it recognizes the value of what it is offering. It requires of you to welcome it in, to nurture it with conscious effort. Love, the second time around feels deliberate. I gaze upon the sun beams lighting up your face, the warmth of your smile upon my lips, I hear the words before you say them. I search your face for any doubt, any hesitation, and all I find is resound confidence in the weight of what you've just spoken into existence. I drown in the honey gold streaks of your eyes, trace my fingers tenderly down the sides of your face. Your energy fills my spirit, whispers to my heart, you are home.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

There are rare beings on this earth that have found a sense of purity in their authenticity. They sing loudly in busy street corners and dance in coffee shops. They kiss as if it is their first and last kiss ever- not afraid to draw others in, embrace them in their fullness. In their eyes you find undiscovered planets. In their hands you find history. Their words stick to you like honey. Held deep within their hearts are both the calm and the storm. These spirits of light create elixirs of soulfulness joy. Drink them in- and you will find that you've been quenched by the taste of their energy.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

Recently the phrase "willingness to show up" has been circulating a lot in my mind. It is a simple concept, that is hard to implement. It is being there for another soul in whatever condition you are in. It is working through your own baggage in the process. Its keeping your word, and understanding the value of your promises. It's not letting fear cripple you into apathy. It's not letting ego or selfish desire overcome connection and empathy. Its seeing the relationship as a "we" before the "me." Its communicating needs without brokenness. It is the value upon which all other values are built upon- trust, vulnerability, loyalty, compassion. If you can commit to "showing up," in the face of darkness, in the face of difference, in the face of disappointment, you have given space to the process of building a life with another human. Perfection does not exist, mistakes will be made, through the course of the revealing of two minds, bodies, hearts, and spirits there will inevitably be conflict, confusion, and chaos. The question you must ask yourself, the only question you must ask yourself in regards to love is this- "are you willing to show up?"

[findingthesilenceinwords]

My heart still asks about you sometimes..I've tried to quiet it down as best as I could. So its learned to only whisper now...gently asking who you have become, if you have found the one you were looking for, if you are happier now....I pray for you only beautiful things...knowing now that love is so much more about who we are in the aftermath of the relationship...and not in what we were given in the midst of it. Love is about honoring that human being when they aren't around anymore, it's about being respectful enough to keep their intimate secrets, and honest enough to know that the good memories may hurt the most, its about learning ways in which our feelings can be healthy even when it changes forms and not selfishly attempting to satisfy our own cravings for their presence. Love is not love if it only exists in the give and take. Love is love in all shapes and forms and sizes. So I love you. And I wish you the best.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

Make God your best friend. Talk to him, pour your feelings out, cry to him, laugh with him. Be in his company, not just in prayer, but in life.

Be stubborn with your patience. Beautiful things take time to grow.

You are, in this moment, an existing manifestation of Divine light. Honor that light.

Peace is consistent. Happiness is fleeting.

Let gratitude drip from your lips. Always. And in all conditions. Be thankful, and in thankfulness He will love you.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

You told me that the temporary pain of a pre-mature break-up was better than the permanent pain of a separation after marriage. And so, I grit teeth...dug my nails so far into my palm I wouldn't have to feel the shattering of my heart as it hit the floor.

Nothing could have prepared me for the pain of losing the love of my life...my best friend...no words could have eased this process...no amount of overthinking could have saved me from the devastation...

I looked back at our time...how you had planned a weeks worth of surprises to confess feelings you had spent the last year building up inside yourself. The way you sat on a busy street corner in London convincing me of all the reasons this would work...despite my objections. I relive every laugh, every adventure, every word we ever shared...leading up to the nothingness that filled inside of me when you told me that you weren't ready or sure of our forever.

I read books...I find music to play and then replay..I go on miles and miles of runs...I busy myself with anything that can fill up the emptiness you left, when you left. Nothing seems to measure up.

I think of all the ways I could reach out...I find rebuttal arguments for every reason to reach out. My sighs become deeper..the smiles never reach my lips anymore...tears are always on the verge of slipping out...my head aches from the reality of not having you around...

You promised this would be better than a lifetime of future regrets...of let-downs, of not living up to our potentials to make each other happy...

You said that letting go of my happiness now would make room for all the happiness that was waiting for me in my tomorrows...

I'm still waiting for that reality to come around.

[findingthesilenceinwords]

If we were cars I'd argue with the insurance company that it was you who crashed into me

But since we are souls I will contend that it was my soul that crashed into yours

-BY original

[findingthesilenceinwords]

No one ever tells you but relationships are hard. You have to constantly work at building a life with another individual who has their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. You have to sacrifice parts of the "I" you have come to familiarize yourself with, and become unified in the "we."

There will be days when the silence outweighs the laughter. You will inevitably annoy them, frustrate them, anger them, hurt them in some form or another. And you repeat yourself on the things that matter most to you...because your person will not always know how much those things mean.

There will be vulnerabilities you have to be truthful with, inside the other and inside yourself. Personality traits that are far from perfect and differences in opinions you learn to respect. Ego takes a backseat.. Patience and empathy become the cornerstones and the foundations of connection.

No one ever tells you but a relationship requires a constant choice in being committed. Actively choosing that individual and that relationship day in and day out. Even on the days you dont feel like it....no, especially on the days that you don't feel like it. And, every relationship will have a fare share of these days.

But, if you can get through these moments, through the imperfections, the differences, the vulnerabilities...if you can be patient with yourself, with your partner, and if you are committed to the work and the sacrifices it takes...then you begin to build one of the most rare and most beautiful of connections with someone who you deeply love and respect, someone who has seen all versions of you and has stayed, someone who knows your tears and your laughter, and who strives each day to grow the "we" that has come into existence. You begin to build an intimacy so strong, a friendship so pure, and a love so deeply rooted inside your souls. No one ever tells you but this is one of lifes hardest, and yet most valuable blessings to attain.