I’m tired of hearing people complain about losing control over there lives. I’m tired of hearing people say poor me because they can’t have the car they want or the luxuries they deem “necessary”. Do you want to know what it’s really like to lose control? I am 21 years old and I can’t live. Ever since I was 16 years old and got my first job I have pushed myself to my limits, working 1-3 jobs at a time, going to college, and living the most carefree and exciting life you could imagine. My days were filled with wandering through the woods and valleys finding the most beautiful hidden places. Dancing my days away under the sun and the starry night skies. Traveling anywhere I could go to hear music and experience something I didn’t have in my daily life. I did anything and everything I wanted to, without a care in the world, because I pushed myself. I pushed myself to work as much as I could until I dropped so money wouldn’t be a problem. I pushed myself to keep going even when the horrible things happened (and they happened often). I pushed myself to never need anyone or anything other than myself. I pushed myself to open my mind and my horizons. Pushing myself allowed me to be free even when I felt like I was running myself ragged. I used to be free, then I lost control. It’s not like I was fired, or kicked out of school, had a drug relapse, or got in criminal trouble, no I lost all control. I am 21 years old and I have asthma, costochondritis, and a permanent back injury that makes my vertebra look like a damn teeter totter, I have chronic depression and a chronic panic disorder, however this isn’t what made me lose control. You see, these ailments are things that I’ve lived with for the mass majority of my life, so when I lost control, while these things were aggravated they weren’t the worst of it, not even close. Sometime between April 2016 and July 2016 is when It all started, i don’t fully remember when as my life was undergoing a major transition at the time. I started getting lightheaded, at first I didn’t think anything of it because I’ve never been one to be good at making sure to eat enough and drink water. Than it got worse, not all at once, but slowly, over time. The lightheaded added nausea, then the nausea added the cold sweats, the cold sweats added the dizziness, the dizziness added the difficulty breathing, the difficulty breathing added the weakness (I know drop water bottles during these episodes because they are “too heavy”) than the blackouts came. Horrible moments where all I can do is sit and spin in a circle and nod off because I’m too weak to even move, reminding me of what it was like to have an opiate problem, only worse because I had no control. All I can do is sit there, clenching my chest as my heart beats 200+ bpm, gasping for breath when I have the ability too because it feels like there is a 1000lbs on my chest, falling over because I don’t have the ability to keep myself up, and eventually falling over and losing consciousness. It got so bad that I finally couldn’t ignore it any longer. I finally went to the doctor. I under went test after test for about three months before they could finally come up with what they “think” is happening. We discovered I have high blood pressure and an irregular heart beat that contains too many beats, which is honestly the only 100% thing we know is wrong with me. The theory is that my body doesn’t have the ability the retain salt, water, and electrolytes in the quantity’s that its supposed to. This than causes my heart to not do the three things its supposed to anytime you move, which are blood vessels constricting, the heart skipping a beat, and blood volume increasing. Theory has it that since my heart is not doing these things it is causing these heart attack like symptoms that than force me to blackout. You want to know what the worst part is? The only thing the doctors can do is prescribe me something that keeps me from peeing and the only thing I can do? Is to drink a minimum of 1.5 qt of Gatorade a day. So I started doing just that a few weeks ago. The blackouts still happen every single day, not as many times a day but they are still always there. I went from spending 22+ hours a day in bed to about 20+ hours. That’s right I spend about 20+ hours a day in bed, still, even with doing all of the things the doctors have told me. I had to quit my job because I was calling out of at least one shift a week or was passing out mid shifts at the restaurant. I haven’t been able to get a new job because I have no control over when these episodes happen or the severity of them. I can’t work because I can’t exist without fainting. In order for me to shower someone either has to be in the shower or sitting on the toilet because I blackout every time. I can’t drive my car anywhere alone because I never know when one is going to hit and I don’t want to die in a car accident. Its having to have my boyfriend do everything for me because I can’t even walk up the stairs to get a snack without collapsing at the top, its being trapped by four walls, constantly because sitting up out of bed is a five-minute task. It’s crying every day because I don’t know what to do when I have lost control and don’t have the ability to push myself. I can’t work and I’m broke and struggling to pay bills and even pay for the gallons of Gatorade I’m supposed to consume, its sitting and starring at the ceiling for hours a day hating everything because all I want is to be able to experience life again. Genuinely having no control is not the same as you bitching about how much money you make, where you live or what you have. Losing control is being trapped, in your own body, with no way out. That is my life, everyday, trapped.
