my heart hurts. it’s feels like no matter what i do it’s not good enough. i love her with every fiber of my being but that doesn’t seem to matter much. it breaks my heart to tell me that i love her or i miss her and i get no response whatsoever. “i don’t say things i don’t feel or mean” that’s what i’m supposed to just take as an answer. so do you not love me or miss me? im supposed to relay on actions to know these things but you actions show me that you don’t. so do i just believe that? cos if i do then there is no reason for me to be here. there’s no reason to keep breaking my own heart.
i think often that maybe i’m just not made for love. like i have a world of it to give but i’m not meant to receive it the same way. im not supposed to want to feel loved, cared about or wanted. im supposed to seek these things from myself and only myself cos that’s all that matters.
i know that i haven’t always done right in this relationship however, im not the only one who’s messed up. my feelings are constantly hurt but i can’t say anything. i have never felt more unattractive or unwanted. i’ve struggled with my body since having surgery and i’ve said this. the fact that i have to beg to be touched or even be told that im something other than “hot” is insane. i feel crazy half the time. i am always wrong. im so selfish. im too sensitive. im too much. my anxiety is too much. too overwhelming. it’s stops her from being able to enjoy the things that she wants to do. it sucks cos i wish i didn’t feel this way. feeling like this has made me consider things that would hurt many others around me.
it’s hard to have severe mental illnesses and be neurodivergent. i can’t always explain what’s happening but i try my best. it’s just not good enough. i don’t think she understands and if she does, it doesn’t matter cos i should be better at handling it. it’s fine, i’ll continue to break my heart until i break. and once that happens, there’s no going back.
romaincrisis
areudirty
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
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