words.

nightmares. thoughts. feelings. givemelovelittlebird

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

I love out right explaining to people how they can help, what they can do to help, and how ive been feeling, it goes in one ear and out the others while they nod and pretend to understand

It's so fun.

I love being ignored.

I love getting stepped on.

Im going to kms.

I just wish my friends who live here and my family who offer would actually help.

I wish ANYONE at this point would fucking help.

I have no energy

I am exhausted and burnt out

No amount of listening to my body and resting helps

Everything is a mess

Everything needs reorganization

Everything needs cleaned

I have so much laundry to do

I have so much on my plate I cant do it anymore

I can't set anything down it all needs done

I ask for literally anyone to come help me take something off of my plate, and I get nothing.

I dont want to do this anymore.

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

When everyone else in my family gets sick its gogogogogo but when im sick its "we'll see" and "I cant right now im busy" like im just asking for someone to bring me meds so I dont have to go out like this and get others sick.

Im so tired.

My families continued lack of support is nauseating.

Why is it so hard for my family to help me but expect me to help them the second they call?

Like?

Oh cool. Literally no one loves me. Sick

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Really tired of just being a body to people.

To someone who says they love me and turn around to just use me for sex, when they promised love, affection, to hold me.

And all I get are three disappointing fucks where I only get off once because of my own hand.

Couldn't be bothered to check in.

Couldn't be bothered to care.

Couldn't be bothered to listen to the boundaries set when I say "no im done for the night tapped out" because I am not horrified and disgusted in myself for letting another person get too close.

I trusted you.

You used to listen when I said stop that's why i trusted you.

You used to pay attention and now?

Now I get told I'm loved and valued and then treated like that.

Boundaries disrespected, a half assed back rub, and basically assaulted.

This is why I don't talk to people anymore.

This is why I don't trust anyone.

This is why im single and will remain so till the day I god damn die because no one is trustworthy anymore.

Everyone fucking lies.

I'm exhausted.

"I miss your delicious body around me" go FUCK YOURSELF. I am not just a body for you to fuck when you're in town.

I don't even want to be friends with you anymore.

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

A pattern ive noticed, men love having sex with me and loving me dogs.

But they never love me.

Isn't that just fucking awesome

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Listen.

Just once i would like to be wanted.

Not for sex.

Just for me.

Like yeah sex is great but PLEASE

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Happy mothers day,

i miss you every single day Ana.

With every fiber of my being

With every bone in my body

I miss you and wish i could celebrate with you

I hate this

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

You probably won't ever see this

But

I've spent the last 10 years supporting you

You walked up to what used to be our apartment with all of this aggression, didn't explain to me anything about whats going on, and accused me of things i didn't do.

And you sit on your tumblr saying "and no one will help, not even the one it involves" or however you fucking put it, trying to grab pitty.

You won't get any pitty here.

You did this on your own and you know exactly what i mean by that.

I wish you nothing but the best, and i hope the three of you have the best life. I just wanted better for you, I'm sorry it didn't work out that way.

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

I really don't want to sleep alone tonight

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Once again i can't get you out of my head

I miss your laugh today

I miss your... everything.... really...

Even the shit i hated. I miss.

Ugh.

Get fucked.

I hate you.

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Tonight missing you weighs heavy on my heart

It really sucks knowing you're living your happy little life while I'm miserable.

After everything

You left me and I'm the one still missing pieces

You should be the miserable one

You should just come home

You should be the one wondering why you're never good enough

You should be the one crying on the couch

You should be the one so achingly heartbroken

I dont even know why i miss you

Its not like you ever really loved me

I guess i just miss the lie of happiness i felt

Because for once someone wanted to hold my hand

You didn't care if i woke you up at 4am because of a nightmare

You spent time with my grandparents

You spent time with my friends and family

I met your kids

I fell so hard for your family, your kids, you, and it hurts so bad that you let me in and then walked out like none of it meant anything to you

Like i meant nothing

Like i didn't do anything for you

Like i didn't try to help you be the person you told me you wanted to be

A whole year later and i still lay here thinking about it

A whole year later and i still find myself wishing with everything in me that you were here

I just have to remind myself that i loved the lie not you

But thats so hard

So fucking hard

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Really just not feelin it tonight.

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

I miss you a lot today, for no reason.

One of your sisters posted a picture with you on the 4th and you were wearing one of my favorite shirts and that stupid fucking hat and your stupid fucking sunglasses.

My first thought was "you fucking moron wow love you" and then "what the fUCK NO STOP THAT" and then "but ugh yeah i fucking miss you." And its been a few days and i can still feel it in my heart.

I've been thinking about you all week.

Unintentionally obviously.

But you just keep poping up.

I miss laughing with you at 3am

I miss your presence in my life

Its so wierd having a vague shadow of you with your sisters around all the time but holy fuck

Sometimes its too much

Sometimes it breaks my heart all over again.

Because whenever i get invited to things we all have to walk on eggshells on if you'll be there and if SHE will be there.

Its gotten to the point where your family has said i spend more time with them then you

I fucking hate that I still care about you after everything

I fucking hate you

L m a o

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Its 4am, goodnight moon came on my spotify, crys is getting married tomorrow and you were supposed to be my date.

Fucking miss you.

Still.

Surprise.

Fuck.

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

I haven't felt this low in such a long time

I just want to be fucking done

I'm so fucking tired

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

I've had the longest fucking day and i just want to smoke a blunt and take a bubble bath

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Its the second dream this week that involved you.

I wonder if you have these dreams too

Then i have to remind myself that it doesn't matter

I don't matter to you

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

Its so stupid that it takes one dream to fuck up all of the progress I've made trying to get over you.

You walked in and i was doing stuff in the kitchen

I gave you my usual "hey baby" and you gave me a kiss on the cheek as you always did, you struggled taking your hoodie off and i laughed.

You finally got it off and your face was red and adorable and i relaised then that i was dreaming and pulled you closer. I burried my face in your neck and i felt safe again, even if it was just a few seconds i felt so safe. Your arms wrapped around me tightly and I told you that I missed you. You laughed and said "I was only gone for an hour" then my alarm went off. And of course, I'm painfully alone.

I could still smell you cologne.

Its almost been a year i should be over this

I should be over you

But here I am

My heart still aches for you to come home and I'm the one looking like a fucking dumbass for missing you and loving you despite how much you fucking hurt me.

This is stupid and pathetic.

Stupid. And. Pathetic.

Get a grip, c.

Get a fucking grip.