An Artist, Scorned

Kahea. I just use this to share music that no one really listens to,  art that no one really looks at, and thoughts that no one really understands.

[aqua-regia009]

Ghismonda with the heart of Guiscardo (Detail), 1650. By Bernardino Mei

[nihilisticballpoint]

“Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.” 

dualism.

a universal concept.

ive always thought of myself as never being a whole, never missing a piece of myself, because im just made of many parts, trying to balance each other out. im not a whole, but just a bunch of random parts. ive never needed to be whole. 

ive always been a person of extremes. its either i have a really good day, or a really bad day. its either im really upset, or im really happy. its either i care too much, or i dont care at all. its either i really like you, or i really hate your guts.

theres never been much of a balance in my life, but i guess thats how it goes. it makes for bad situations and states of mind, but for good art, i guess. without extremes in my life, life would be just grey.... no strong whites or blacks to set the contrast. contrast is what catches your eye, keeps the viewer looking. 

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drawing of a reflection of self. same person, but two separate sides of her. 

the right in pencil, is the stable, calm, collected, reasonable side of her represented by the pencil style (even, smooth shading). 

the left in pen, is the erratic, manic, impulsive, unreasonable side of her represented by the pen style (deep, dark, uncontrolled aggressive line marks).

[not-valentina]

➕  Fuck your opinion  ➕ 

[nihilisticballpoint]

12.5.18

i need to turn into those positive nihilists. shit.

[unreactive]

[adrenaline]

by  Tess Roby

[nihilisticballpoint]

Found this gem today. 

i really need a friend like this in my life....

[edoardojazzy-deactivated2025012]

@ Alex Waterhouse-Hayward

[nihilisticballpoint]

She is controlled chaos. Power and soul compressed into one.

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Pen Drawing of Adriana Lima on Painted Cardboard, 2018.

[echiromani]

Female divinity in the Chore type, restored as a muse. Roman, late second century BC.

[nihilisticballpoint]

8.2.18

you dont realize how much your health is important to you, until you are sick in bed for a week.... 

being forced to relax and do nothing made me realize many other things as well. about myself, what i am looking for, and what i should work towards...

[nihilisticballpoint]

8.1.18

ive always felt like ive had a joy, a beauty, a lightness thats deep inside, that ive been keeping inside waiting to release and express, when i find the environment and people who i feel deserve it. its in me.

[nihilisticballpoint]

its just some little thing, crush 🌹🎵;)

[nihilisticballpoint]

7.31.18

ive got to make some big decisions, while ive still got time. moving back to the city, but theres a fork in the road. work more physically grueling jobs, or put myself out there and consider being an object, muse for photographers for the money?

[nihilisticballpoint]

She’s an enigma~

Ballpoint Pen Drawing. 2018.

[nihilisticballpoint]

6.10.18

i thought i told myself i was over you, the attraction was nothing and the spark was an illusion. and it worked. i was fine for the past couple of months. not seeing you around helped a bit. i almost perfected forgetting why i even felt an attraction. i was (almost) over you. facts are facts, it is what it is. and the facts are against me, telling me that the smallest spark of hope sets me up for disapointment and sadness. so. i moved on.

the moment you reappear, all the work i put into forgetting and killing the attraction goes out the window. just the way your eyes feel on me, some kind of intensity hidden under casual conversation. and all over again, i find a longing for the next time i see you. to talk, listen to your voice, figure out your mannerisms, any excuse to keep your eyes locked with mine, the energy in the air.

this time i will just let it be. ive never been one to chase. i wont pursue. but, i wont deny that i look forward to talking with you and appreciating the way conversing with you makes me feel. 

[nihilisticballpoint]

5.3.18

unfortunately,

i havent ever fallen in love with a person. ive only experienced falling in love with the idea of a certain type of person.

im yet to find.

the lack of doesnt bother me, but its just something that i realized now.