Consume yourself.

Ask Personal Details

[nikixxx]

You don’t wanna know what we were actually discussing in the last photo.

[nikixxx]

Realization

On my last day in Namibia, Dan pulled me aside and told me not to censor myself as much as I do. Explaining that within my journal it seems that I hold myself back, and am too critical. He was not wrong in his statement, that was prevalent throughout my time there. I am forewarning everyone now that this isn’t going to be the most positive of posts, but the ending will hopefully be a happy one. Whenever I take these trips, I think about all of the amazing people I will meet, the things I will experience, and how cathartic it will be. I am not denying that Namibia was anything from that. But, in contrast when I go on these trips it reminds me how out of place I feel, how much further people are in their careers than I am, etc etc. I do not need reassurance that I will eventually be able to follow my dreams and do what I love, I don’t. A realization I had was that I need to change my way of thinking. I constantly say “I just need to move”. “I need to get to a place that has more to offer in relation to my degree”. “Nothing around me is even remotely animal based”. So, why don’t I make that change within my community? Why don’t I create something that can involve animals? Help children and adults see what they can help with, as well as educating them in varying ways. This is what I hope to have my master plan be. I want to be able to give back, and to be happy with something I am doing. It’s just actually putting in the time and effort that is my problem (which is very hard when you actually have NO time to yourself). I am at work every single day now, and in my down time I can barely think of anything else. Financially I don’t believe I will be able to peruse my dreams. I have just purchased a small restaurant, which has utterly consumed my time, hence why my posts have been so late, either way it’s not excuse. It’s just kind of a reminder that maybe this degree is useless to me in the long run, but at least I have met a lot of amazing people. Maybe one day I will see that I can’t stay in the food industry, regardless of how much money I make. Maybe one day I will wake up.

[nikixxx]

[nikixxx]

[nikixxx]

Just a bunch of sepos

Going to Australia was one of my all time goals growing up. So being given this opportunity was too sweet to pass up. The plane rides there were excruciatingly drawn out, but worth it in the end. In the beginning, meeting up with everyone is always a little awkward but eventually we all became very close. I was so thankful that for BOTH of my EEs, I have had such amazing groups of people. Everyone got along, it also helped that we had two amazing laid back teachers as well. Honestly, I’m really lucky that I had everyone there. Especially will the drama that got constantly thrown at me during my stay. Whether it be my boyfriend living a double life, or my car getting totaled etc etc. Being in a completely different time zone/country was exactly what I needed. Being surrounded by beautiful places, animals and people was so peaceful. Words cannot describe my experiences there. The sights I saw were unforgettable. Scuba diving in the coral reef? One of the seven wonders of the world? Yes please. Check that off my bucket list. This EE helped me see a lot of what needs to be valued in my life. Just like my first EE did. Helping me change my life even just a little bit, but for the better. Thank you guys.

[nikixxx]

🔮 . . . 📸: @the_wanderlust_photographer Missing these shoots. #humble #photography #lovequotes

[nikixxx]

Basic. #therespumpkinpieinthefridge #happythanksgiving

[nikixxx]

The only men I need in my life, and @jmgavin416 😘❤️. . . #rocknshock #twiztid #mostastelesstour @officialtwiztid and thank you @big_vindustin for being our photographer 😊. (at DCU Center)

[nikixxx]

Baja.

When I first landed, I was so nervous going to the hotel, meeting up with a bunch of people I do not know.. Thankfully a few of us went out to eat, and instantly hit it off. *Side note; Michael almost died this night too from pad thai, so his tolerance for “hot” is clearly abysmal.* Although, we did laugh at his pain. Slowly everyone started to come together, until we were one unit, a glorious community. Our tight knit family that came together so fluidly. I miss everyone, I miss being away from reality, and finally getting to do the work I so desire. I hate being connected to social media again, or technology in general. Baja made me realize what I was capable of, and how I cannot allow anyone in my life to hold me back. This is when I started making serious changes in my life, that will forever refine the person I am today. The people you surround yourself with, truly make or break what you are capable of doing. I have learned this the long and hard way, but I have learned it none the less. Unfortunately due to moving difficulties and my (very salty ex boyfriend) I no longer have my field journal from Baja, which is disgustingly frustrating. Although, I know that if I ever wanted an notes, I have all of you lovely people to rely on. In the end, Baja was euphoric, it was a life changing experience that I hope to go back to asap. I became apart of a beautiful family, met and connected with important people and got to encounter some of the most amazing sights ill ever have.

[nikixxx]

There's a world of difference between what we see, and what is. @the_wanderlust_photographer #blackandwhitephoto #photography #instagood #loveyourself

[nikixxx]

@the_wanderlust_photographer #gasmask #instagood #photography #weneedanotherplague

[nikixxx]

💀 Photo cred: @the_wanderlust_photographer

[nikixxx]

🎃🕸 Photo cred: @the_wanderlust_photographer

[nikixxx]

These past few weeks have genuinely been a life-changing experience for me. When you've been with someone for so long you essentially become one. You lose sense of who you are. But when you're alone, it's almost freeing. I'm so thankful that through all of this I have been able to keep such amazing friends by my side. Those who have kept me preoccupied and reassured me that the decision I made was the correct one. I am done letting people control my life, manipulate me into thinking that I am anything less than what I am. I have spent too many years of my life miserable, and I will make sure to never let that happen again. Learning to love yourself is a hard, but it's worth the effort. I love all of you, so much. Thank you.

[nikixxx]

I have dreaded this day my entire life.. 20 years ago I went to my aunts house to pick out a kitten. I chose this little calico floof ball and named her Jenna. She grew to know her name, slept with me and loved me unconditionally, as I did her. Many years passed and visits to my fathers house became less and less. But when I did she always greeted me with such compassion, running upstairs to my room (her room) and insisting for me to take a nap. Purring, drooling, kneading me, meowing as if we could have our own little conversation. These past few days it has felt like I've been making funeral arrangements. Sending various emails to people for her processing. I have thought a lot about her leaving me and have had these plans for years. Her heart will be dehydrated and placed in a pendant by the lovely Jana @bone.lust, and her bones will be disarticulated by the (also lovely) Sam @spiassek. I am so lucky that they were so helpful and caring. Thank you both. Jenna was my shadow, and a part of my being.. My heart is so heavy today. My life will never be the same without her. I love you.

[nikixxx]

"And all I ever want is just a little love, I said in purrs under the palms. And all I ever want is breaking me apart, I said to the thing that I once was." @juldelorenzo

[nikixxx]

🌘 Solidarity 🌒 @juldelorenzo