Nikki Freaking Malvar @nikkifreakingmalvar-blog - Tumblr Blog

But I Say Stay

For anyone out there whose head mightn't see eye to eye with the heart, this one is for you.

Don't judge the quality too harshly. I'm a neanderthal. Although there is a Canon 50D in this house somewhere, I still insist on using the trusty MacBook webcam. STICKING IT TO THE MAN!

#vagina

Today 'Skin' was officially released by iTunes. I made it in by 1 minute to be able to say 'today'.

Twenty-three, aka the year I wanted to become a Vietnamese prostitute but almost became a reality TV dirtbag

Last week, I turned twenty-four. This birthday was stealthy - a tiptoeing thief of youth who crept in unnoticed. When days tailgated on the backs of previous days and breathing was a luxury, I had no time to count down in excitement; I just found myself blindsided by the event. For the past few years, I’ve always had the intention of writing some profound article to commemorate the anniversary of escaping from the womb. Of course, I never did.

Until now.

I thought it was high time I break that tradition and write again. So here is a (semi-chronological) list of twenty-three highlights from the year of twenty-three:

1) Twenty-three started with the close of my six-month sabbatical from life. I touched down on Sydney soil and leapt straight into my boyfriend’s arms. Miles apart were reduced to minutes, and proximity soon had us laughing in the face of Skype dates over lagging Internet connections. The days, maybe weeks, that followed were a blur of laughter and with faces I left behind. 2) And then it came time to get back into the daily grind. I caught a case of idleness, which turned into a fever of restlessness. (There were only so many spaces in a day I could fill with food.) Some girls grow sick with longing – and I – I became one of those girls. His name was Employment, and he only ever turned around long enough to sneer at me. I wanted him badly, but he delighted in being an elusive prick. 3) So then I reached my peak physical state. For a girl with too many hours in a day, what else was there to do but eat clean and train mean? And so I looked forward to the moments where The Pussycat Dolls would grace the gym screens, just so I could sing-along my version of “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend could squat like me…” (mid-lift, mind you). My strength was at an all time high and body fat percentage was at a fabulous all time low. (Unfortunately, the aged and weathered twenty-four year old physique no longer looks like this:)

4) While still in vain pursuit of work that could somehow make use of the Communications degree I spent three years attaining, I filled the spaces in my days with extras work, promotional modeling and even getting paid a hot dollar or two to pull faces while cameras clicked and softboxes flashed. The industry term for this time in my life could have been ‘Freelance’ but I felt that ‘Fraud’ would have been a bit more appropriate.

5) Discovered the world of theatrical societies and the subsequent joy they brought me. Found myself still completely terrible at auditions, but even made it into a show about Dusty Springfield as more than just ensemble cast. “Finally,” I thought, “Some sort of routine to my week!” as I excitedly went about preparing for my first ever (and possibly last) role as a sassy black woman.

6) For weeks, I snuck into the uni recording facilities where my boyfriend was a student, and we painstakingly put together a five track original EP of my music. When I say ‘we’, it should probably be noted that ‘he’ painstakingly put together a five track original EP of my music.

7) Suddenly it was already three months since I turned 23. The first quarter of my year had disintegrated into oblivion and I panicked once again. As if on cue, Cameron Mackintosh announced that Miss Saigon would be the West End’s new undertaking, and auditions would commence IN MY HOMELAND. Wanting nothing more than to play a Vietnamese prostitute on stage since the age of ten (yes, big dreams), I naturally jumped on a plane in reckless abandon and flew to Manila to audition. 8) Nothing came out of the audition except being able to un-ironically declare YOLO, and also maybe end up slightly poorer. But expense is nothing in the face of experience, and I nabbed myself another month long holiday in the tropics; a holiday from stressful activities back in Sydney like sitting around and twiddling my thumbs. 9) Arrived back on Australian soil to attend the wedding of my first pair of good friends to get hitched. This was a telling epiphany that some people my own age were grown up enough to start a new chapter in their adult lives, and I was still quite content to entertain dreams of becoming a Vietnamese prostitute. What’s that, biological clock? Your ticking doesn’t phase me! 10) Suddenly it was December – almost half a year had passed since I turned twenty-three. I ate my feelings in Christmas food; brought on the new year with a little more padding. I'm not so sure though that the extra padding helped me as I ran away to join the circus... No, that didn't really happen, but I did enrol in an aerials class - to finally defy gravity, perhaps. The reality was I didn't do as much gravity-defying as I did skin-defying (I bruised nicely from hoops and trapeze), but I did fall in love with silks...

11) In January, I was abuzz with resolution, but the world snored on, still comatose from minced pies and port. Boyfriend told me to relax; businesses were still on holiday; no one would be hiring yet…And after months of waiting, I finally scored myself an appointment to have my little (unreleased) EP listened to by a heavyweight set of ears – ears that had been in the business for a while. 12) It goes without saying that The Ears thought it was shit. Or at least he thought it was shit in the context of me wanting to be an indie darling – because it sounded like I had a finger in every slice of genre pie. I was a misguided pop princess with too much of an inclination for musical theatre. (Little did he know just how much I actually loved theatre…) But thus began a mentorship that would help me refine my direction in the coming months. 13) And not more than a week later, the elusive bastard called Employment finally came knocking. I landed a fun job, minutes away from home with a great boss (responsible for my expanding waistline) in an environment that kept, and still keeps, my fingers dipped in the modeling and entertainment industry. I finally had my long coveted weekly stability, and I could thus crawl out of my cave of unemployment shame.

14) I then began weekly jam sessions with two scoundrels I met from ads online. This is usually the premise for a D-grade horror flick, but I haven’t been brutally dismembered yet and dumped into the bottom of the ocean, so I have to say I’ve been quite fortunate. Huge bonus too that both of them – the double bassist and the drummer – were definitely skilled in their weapons of choice.

15) At the same time, I began bi-weekly rehearsals for another theatre show. This time, it was Shakespeare – a rock musical adaptation no less – and I had the opportunity to play the petulant female protagonist in Helena. And so my days of work and nights of rehearsals (band and musical) kept me heavily occupied, and one too many text in my inbox would’ve read along the lines of, “I haven’t seen you in so long!”

16) I attended TDP Open – a week-long performance and development workshop designed for those roughly in their twenty-threes… give or take ten years. Yes, with a very polite email, I managed to attend the workshop designed for thirteen to eighteen year olds. I’m not sure if the fact that I fit right in and made some dear friends makes reference to the maturity of young people these days, or is actually more indicative of my true social age. Whatever the case, it was completely enriching and life-changing, having had the opportunity to learn, perform and receive feedback from some Australian greats. 17) In April, I said goodbye to love. There were no shoes hurled at faces, no seismic collision of egos, no raised voices. There was only the quiet acknowledgment of the wisdom in parting, and a bittersweet appreciation of the past two years. And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 18) Like bloodhounds, they sniffed out the fresh scent of my singledom. The casting directors of The Bachelor Australia had approached me to audition for the upcoming premier season. With a reasonably hefty weekly ‘wage’ for the arduous tasks of living luxuriously in a mansion, going on extravagant dates and nurturing true love (™) under the gaze of perpetually rolling cameras, “Sure,” I thought, “An audition can’t hurt.” And off I went, armed with some questionable pants and my complete honesty. “What traits do you look for in a man?” I was asked. “Ambition,” I said without thinking, “So that we can both work towards something we’re passionate about and not have to see each other much.” I didn’t hear from them in the end. To this day, I still wonder if it was because those pants made my ass look big or if it was something I said... 19) I really got into the spirit of learning and made myself a permanent fixture at almost every MusicNSW industry event and every other industry conference, which included but was not limited to: Indent’s Feedback, Inertia and Song Summit. My boss graciously allowed me to go off on several days of leave so I could nurture these pursuits. I think there are few things more valuable than lapping up advice and opening yourself up as a sponge to insight. At one particular event where I listened to some top Australian producers talk, I made the resolution to contact One when the time was right and when I had something to show for myself. 20) And contact him I did. Around this time, I had been working with Industry Ears Number One for a little while and we had already refined some tracks with the band. We also found our guitarist (thanks to an online ad yet again!) and the hole in our collective band heart was filled. To my absolute surprise and delight, Heavyweight Producer gave the tracks a listen, and several weeks later, we found ourselves sleeping over at his studio for a weekend, recording and breathing new life into our songs. If I said that the same ears that touched Silverchair, The Presets and Birds of Tokyo touched our music, I would be a braggart, but certainly not a liar.

21) Industry Ears Number One LOVED our tracks, and we are now in the process of our first official single release!

22) The upcoming music video (following the single) that has seen many hitches and changes (including song choice!) since I first met with the to-be Director and started dreaming about the clip is worth a mention. This incident was one of several where the Universe offered me an olive branch and led me to talented people who recognised a dream on its first legs, and were willing to lend a hand (or crutch) in the pursuit of that dream. And the clip after the clip that’s soon to be made but hasn’t been made yet? Yeah, the guy who once did a clip for Alice in Chains wants to get behind that.

23) And while all the recent band developments transpired, I again had the opportunity to be a part of a cabaret show, which meant bi-weekly rehearsals and the occasional Sunday. Despite the stress of a very tight rehearsal schedule and the subsequent toll it took on my body, the friendships, the thrill of being on stage and the pride in seeing it all come together was nothing short of fulfilling. Sold-out shows for our limited season was also a delightful surprise. And you know we’ve definitely reached the end of our list because I’ve become a total sap...

So, I've had a thrilling twenty-three. Certainly chock full of new experiences and appreciation for my current circumstances (LOL single and still living at home!). I don't currently wish for much except maybe a new immune system. And to finally banish fear from my life. But things could seriously be a lot worse.

So to twenty-four I say this and I say it loudly, “Come at me, bro.”

#birthday #personal #true life #anecdote

Visualisations

So I've read a few interviews of successful folk recently, who have cited visualisations in helping them attain their goals.

Well I've decided that I'd really like to win some dough.

I would like nothing more than to walk up to the newsagents, hand over my Powerball ticket, and hear the words, "YOU ARE A WIENER!"

In preparation for this monumental event, I have decided to give visualisations a try. So here I am: visualising myself as a wiener with my powerball ticket.

I'll let you know how I go. Happy New Year to me indeed!

#truelife

#goal #happy new year #lottery #nikki malvar #personal #sausage #visualisation #winner #wiener

'Things I wish I knew earlier' - An introduction

I have this knack for invariably getting food on my face. This is while I'm eating, mind you. I should clarify that I don't walk under stairs or go to the toilet, and end up with food on my face; it only happens when I'm legitimately eating a meal or a snack, which is not surprising, but yes, invariable. In tandem with my said knack, my mother has this habit of telling me about the food on my face... but only hours after the offending particles initially decided to bless with me with an extra nostril.

"By the way," she'll say, "You have pumpkin on your face. Actually it's been there for a while, but I didn't feel like telling you."

In the time it takes between food-landing-on-face and being-told-about-food-on-face, the following things have inevitably happened: I have worked my hellos throughout the entire dinner party room, I have managed to devour an entire season of Game of Thrones, the enviably fit superhumans have completed the New York marathon, and the Palestinian-Israeli conflict would have worked itself out.

The point is, unknowingly getting food on my face is something I'm not terribly fond of, and I often find myself shaking my head and dejectedly thinking, "I wish I knew about this earlier."

And thus a list is born; a list aptly titled 'Things I wish I knew earlier'. Coming soon to a blog near you. Stay tuned.

#nikki malvar #personal #c'est la vie

Taken at my boyfriend's housewarming gathering a couple of weeks ago. I really like this picture. #personal

Hi. This is my latest masterpiece, starring yours truly and dad.

#personal #nikki malvar #family portrait

I microwaved a hard-boiled egg that had been sitting in the fridge. I bit into it and it exploded in my mouth. I may have jumped in fright from what sounded like a gunshot so close to my head, but I don't like to admit that. My lip hurt for a while after that.

Maybe you were expecting some kind of significant post to mark my tumblr return or something, but sorry, that's all I got.

#truelife

#true story

I haven't died.

Just got busy entertaining le boyfriend while he was in town. Then he left, and I fell back into my old habits of rehearsals and attempting not to be a l'arj-ass. Then I discovered the joys of faking cheekbones and a western nose with eyeshadow. Yes, yes I did.

#nikki malvar #personal #i'm back

I got the hint from the last post.

...You guys dig my words over my mug. (Thank you for the likes and new follows, I am tremendously grateful.) But TOO BAD, I have to blog this stillshot from something my Dad and I filmed this afternoon.

Throw pitchforks and brimstone my way now. Thank you.

#personal #nikki malvar #father #dad #family #family portrait #weird family portrait

10 pieces of wisdom from my 22 year old self to my 12 year old self.

1) That cake you're about to slice is glorious. It is especially glorious with the vanilla ice-cream (not pictured) you are about to slather atop it. A decade later, you will still love cake, but by then you will be a neurotic mess. You will unfortunately bear the cross of understanding and taking to heart a terrifying new word. This word is called "calories".

2) You will soon quit ballet and tell your mother it's because you hate wearing tights. Unfortunately, circumstance is going to make a liar out of you because ten years later, you will love wearing tights. You will wear lacy floral tights that look like a slightly fancier version of fishnet tights. You will wear porcelain cream tights. You will wear tights with bows all along the back of your thighs. You will even buy a pair of atrocious zebra print ones that you happen to wear out in public. Your family's protests will fall on deaf ears. (Also, you will wish you had stuck to ballet.)

3) You will still find auditions terrifying. You'll wish this were untrue. You'll also find this devastatingly ironic, seeing as you love the stage. OH DEAR GOD, YOU LOVE THE STAGE. A performance is exciting, but an audition? You'll find yourself thinking that an eternal limbo of Brazilian waxes might even be more enjoyable...

4) You will still be flat-chested. I know that in your desired scheme of events, you hoped to be sporting a pair of supple chest mangoes by the age of sixteen. Unfortunately, this does not come to fruition. You will continue to stuff your training bra for just a little while longer. Eventually though, you will come to embrace resembling an ironing board because you do get to squeeze yourself into more revealing clothing than your more-endowed friends. And let's face it, you're the biggest exhibitionist you know.

5) You don't actually have asthma like you believed, and even tearfully pleaded with your gym teacher about when you had to run 1km of track. In fact, a decade later, you get cranky when you don't get to run a daily 5km. And those Campbell soup cans? You will ditch them for a real barbell. Words like "deadlift" and "goblet squat" will actually mean something to you. And when you swore, at age twelve, on a sedentary lifestyle, you have once again made a liar of yourself. Ten years later, you love salsa dancing, combat classes, yoga in a room that might as well be the equator, and taking the stairs instead of the elevator. (Shit does get strange.)

6) It's okay that you looked terminally awkward for most of your adolescence. In fact, it's actually a great thing that you looked like a bit of a smashed crab. I know how much you wanted to look proportional / caucasian / blonde / pretty / or even normal like all the popular girls, but the saving grace is you knew from an early age that you could not rely on looks to get you by. Instead, you learned then to read voraciously, learned HTML, learned to crack jokes (although they still aren't very good), and you learned to appreciate that people who aren't necessarily aesthetically gifted have much to offer too. However, you will also eventually learn the joys of eyebrow maintenance, leg waxing and the thrill of the bitch red lipstick.

7) And those boys that never paid any attention to you? Well, there will be this invention called Facebook sooner or later, which will allow you to reconnect with all the people you left behind in suburban Ohio. To your great shock and awe, a handful of these boys who never paid any attention to you... will actually write to you. And when they write to you, sometimes they will say, "How come we never talked in high school?" (You will bite your tongue, or fingers, in writing back to say that, well, at the time, they were part of the football team and you...more closely resembled the football.)

8) You will eventually get your heart broken, but it's not as painful or as permanent as you feared it might be (although sixteen year old you might disagree on this one). Yeah, that guy who made you cry (in secret) for weeks, while you had Damien Rice on infinite iTunes repeat, is a good friend of yours now. He will come to you for advice a lot. You should also probably get around to thanking him for being the impetus and inspiration for you writing your very first song.

9) You will, for the next few years, find your faith in men constantly depleted and magically restored. Fortunately though, you are at a current high. You are dating a musician who is about to fly to your side, across continents, in a matter of days because you are currently on a sabbatical from real life. He has mastered the appropriate level of texting, whereby you do not feel suffocated by the noose of his affections, and at the same time, you do not feel like you are dating an emotionally-vacant douchebag. He gives you good massages and puts up with your burping out loud. He has even grown his facial hair for you. And when he takes you out with his friends, he does not ask you to wear a paper bag over your head. Yes, you are currently happy.

10) You will still be a giant softie. You probably think that the years will add some jagged edges to the smooth veneer of your heart, but no. You will still cry in movies where old people die / children die / Nemo's mother and fish-egg-siblings die. You will skype with your Mom because you feel homesick. You will still be excited to play with your Dad's face like a block of plasticine and punch him in the gut even though you are in your 20's and are meant to be above such displays of immaturity. You will still kiss your grandparents on their foreheads and cuddle up in bed with them. Although you will find more self-esteem and will finally be comfortable in your own skin, you will still take it to heart every time an Internet troll tells you you're fat / ugly / talentless / annoying / asian (I can't help being asian, you racist twats!). You will still prefer nights of solitude under the covers with a book, to nights of inebriated glory with your girlfriends. (Although let's face it, the latter is sometimes necessary.) And despite your parents' languid separation and everybody's fears that you'd become a jaded cat-lady, you still do believe in the myth of chivalry and happily ever afters.

So hey, don't sweat a thing, twelve year old Nikki. As your future self with ten more years worth of experience, I want to hand you the news on that silver platter - things do look up. In the next decade, you won't have to wrestle with the dreaded acne your mother warned you could be hereditary. Period pain won't be all THAT bad. Sure, you'll have a new set of uncertainties like, holy-shit-I-am-almost-middle-aged-and-still-mediocre, but just remember that you, now, are of legal age to walk into an establishment and buy yourself the company of Johnnie and Jack (both of whom can numb your mind from such insecurities for a little while).

Now, If only my thirty-two year old self could have as much compassion as to appear, in this current time of uncertainty, to tell me that everything will be okay.

#anecdote #before after #before and after #nikki malvar #personal #life experience

agnawxo

nikkifreakingmalvar-blog

Do my eyes deceive me? A runway model, without gangly arms, but with the arms of a weightlifter? #fuckyes

#Fitspo #haute couture

Just some delightful screenshots

...from my first video for the year. Watch it here.

#GPOY #Beautiful like Samantha Brick #Samantha Brick #Nikki Malvar #Ridiculous #Parody

There is one place where we are all united in ugliness.

Yes, this occurred to me today. There is one existing place, a place that is unforgiving (if at least for a moment) even to the aesthetically elite. This place is the dentist.

Bottom lips pulled down like gravity's ultimate bitch, gums all for show, drool skating down the corners of mouths... No one could possibly look attractive, right? RIGHT?

Or maybe I'm the only one who effortlessly turns into an Ogre in the chair, in which case, I IMPLORE YOU, stop thinking about the visuals.

#justathought

#a thought #personal #dentist #ugly #teeth