Nikki Palumbo

These are my bastard thoughts, profoundly illegitimate.

[nikkipalumbo]

Open Letter: An Open Letter to People Who Call Me “Sir”

Dear Mostly Women in Airports, Bathrooms, Airport Bathrooms, Men On the Street/Subway/Supermarket Line, and My Doctor That One Time — Thank you for...

Had to get this off my androgynous chest.

[nikkipalumbo]

Servin’ up some #super #hot #lesbian #sex #tips

[nikkipalumbo]

#tbt someone letting me tell a whole story without interrupting (see, it is possible, Mom!)

[nikkipalumbo]

Why I Voluntarily Air My Red Flags – Nikki Palumbo – Medium

About two years ago, I told my now ex-girlfriend that I was a hypochondriac and she told me she was a kleptomaniac.

One of my red flags: oversharing.

[nikkipalumbo]

Hope God didn’t hear me talk about Him.

[pop-quizzes]

Pencils down, Everybody.

[nikkipalumbo]

Social Horror Stories

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. She was all alone with no one to talk to. Because someone had removed her from the group text.

—

THERE SHE WAS, unsteady but determined. Her hands were wrapped around its neck – killing that bottle of Cabernet. The only evidence: the splatter on her silk blouse that Jeff pointed out as soon as she returned to the party. — SHE SCREAMED OUT the wrong name. — THE SILENCE WAS DEAFENING as her final words echoed on the other end of the conference call: “I love you.” — SHE WAS FROZEN IN TERROR as the hand reached out – for a wave. But was greeted with her fist-bump. — A SHUDDER RAN DOWN HER SPINE. And the words echoed in her ears: “We’re just friends.” — HER FOOTSTEPS HASTENED, yet she sensed she was being followed. By a long stream of toilet paper. — SHE WINCED IN PAIN as it caught up with her: the realization that that’s not how you pronounce that word. — A SHRIEK AT FULL VOLUME, she sang the wrong lyrics. — THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE on the white canvas sofa, where she’d been sitting—for a period.

—

THE SENSE OF DREAD BUILT as she realized she had already told this story.

[nikkipalumbo]

The Top 100 Numbers of 2017

Another December, another end-year list. This year, we’re celebrating the top 100 numbers of 2017.

100. 15 99. 53 98. 61 97. 90 96. 22 95. 58 94. 33 93. 86 92. 48 91. 24 90. 7 89. 55 88. 87 87. 74 86. 18 85. 43 84. 28 83. 77 82. 65 81. 68 80. 5 79. 42 78. 67 77. 83 76. 11 75. 62 74. 96 73. 46 72. 25 71. 72 70. 32 69. 6 68. 71 67. 84 66. 56 65. 26 64. 73 63. 78 62. 8 61. 94 60. 20 59. 81 58. 76 57. 44 56. 79 55. 36 54. 98 53. 16 52. 23 51. 82 50. 57 49. 91 48. 31 47. 70 46. 29 45. 80 44. 95 43. 10 42. 64 41. 92 40. 35 39. 93 38. 47 37. 59 36. 21 35. 3 34. 97 33. 85 32. 60 31. 27 30. 52 29. 17 28. 63 27. 69 26. 54 25. 9 24. 100 23. 49 22. 34 21. 66 20. 40 19. 2 18. 51, 4 (tie) 16. 50 15. 38 14. 14 13. 75 12. 101 11. 88 10. 19 9. 41 8. 13 7. 99 6. 1 5. 27 4. 16 3. 30 2. 89 1. 12

Dishonorable mention: 45

[nikkipalumbo]

I wrote Handshake or Hug? for Archnemesis’ April Maude show and I’m STILL haunted by how poorly I’d do on this game show if it existed in real life.

[robertdeniro]

[nikkipalumbo]

Still thinking about this Baby.

[funnyordie]

I Celebrate Mother Every Day by Mike Pence

I choose to celebrate the Mother in my life, Mrs. Pence, EVERY day — because she is my wife and I have made that promise to the Lord. And to her.

[funnyordie]

How to Find Your Mom a Side Piece for Mother’s Day

Your mom is the woman that brought you into this world. By having sex with your dad. The least you can do for Mother’s Day is to repay her for that and find her a slammin’ side piece.

[nikkipalumbo]

‘The Gay Logo’ Mug by Nikki Palumbo

It’s like the logo for The Gap. But for The Gay, instead. / You get it. You’re smart. / And gay. • Also buy this artwork on home decor, apparel, stickers, and more.

Make the things you want to see on your desk.

[funnyordie]

9 Ideas I’m Sure Steven Spielberg Would Love If He Would Just Lift the Restraining Order

“I’d love to pitch these blockbusters to him, but I’m legally not allowed to!”

[nikkipalumbo]

Turns out he’s not super into my puns, either.

Smart guy.

[nikkipalumbo]

The Biggest Conversation of My Life

Comedy writer Nikki Palumbo comes out to her parents.

Coming out about coming out.

[nikkipalumbo]

Friendly Lifeguard Starring Jack Frederick Directed by Jackie Jennings

This blackout sketch is maybe my most “Nikki, this should just be a New Yorker cartoon” idea I’ve ever had.

But making Jack wear a bathing suit on stage is maybe my best idea. And I’m the most confused about it.

[nikkipalumbo]

Protest Planner Starring Lisa Kleinman, Moujan Zolfaghari, and Amadeo Fusca Directed by Jackie Jennings

I wrote this for Archnemesis’ March @maudenight show and for all future protesters.