I had gotten used to walling people off.
Used to being surrounded by people I swear I loved, but still feeling empty.
I had gotten used to omitting the details I thought would chase people away, because when I didn’t, I was always right. They ran in one way or another.
I had gotten used to keeping quiet, to not talking about what goes on inside my head.
I had gotten used to being lonely.
And then you walked in. Well, I walked in to a friends place and there you were.
I hadn’t seen you since high school, and I found you intimidating at first. A gentle crush from the old days made it all worse.
But, you persisted. Not with force, but with kindness. With understanding. With the ability to ask ‘why’ and ‘how’ without feeling like you were probing for information to give you a reason to stop coming around.
I was scared, at first. Sometimes I am still scared. My mind plays tricks on me, makes me think it’s all not real, it will crumble and fall soon and I will be more alone than I have ever been.
But minutes of time spent together rapidly became hours, and I found I was comfortable with our silence, as well as the conversations that flowed effortlessly between us.
You, who I did not see coming. You, who was healing from a broken heart as well. You, who silently listened to me rant and did not look at me with the eyes of judgement.
You walked through my door and I could never imagine you leaving.
Slowly, slowly, I started to open up. But the broken pieces inside, they did not want to give that hurt away. They did not want to chance being shattered again. So, I turned away. I tried to wall myself off.
And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I found it impossible. I spent less than 12 hours away and it felt like a lifetime until I rushed back into your arms, steadied once again.
So I began to open up, piece by piece, probing to see what would be the breaking point of us.
But it never came, that point. Instead, with each confession, with each inner thought shared, you developed an understanding and a willingness to be there that no one else had.
And suddenly, I realized all of those other places were never home. Home was right here, nestled in your arms. And nothing I could say or do would change that.
Finally, after years of fighting, after years of falling down, I found someone to calm me, to keep me steady on my feet.
I found someone who loved me for me, in my entirety, as fucked up and broken as I feel, he makes me feel strong and whole.
I love him, like I have never loved anything ever before.
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
