iPOETRY

name: nikki kato residence: hawaii i like to write poetry www.livingmyhilife.wordpress.com www.twitter.com/nicolekato

[nikkispoetry]

Anxiety: Queen of Darkness - July 19, 2014

Profound Queen of Darkness, a perverted priest that twists and snakes.

Obnoxious at the best of times, but at the worst lie dormant and sultry.

Creating stories, scenarios hoping the pictures will become clearer. 

Trust is the furthest thing from my mind, and I expect nothing less of myself.

It tears at the walls of my stomach. Bile creeping up into my throat. 

Zapping my insides until tears have no choice but to fall. 

Thoughts, theories, ideas swirl within the confines of my mind.

Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Always expect the worst. 

Second guessing statements already said,

Questioning supposed truths and arguments. 

Holding in emotions, knowing it will spark an argument,

But not knowing how it will affect the end result.

Explosions go off every so often, most times going unnoticed.

Some are easily pushed away, and others linger for hours. 

Oh, Queen of Darkness, you wondrous wench of distortion,

Anxiety, jealousy, negativity, and pessimism. 

I did not want to put a name to the face, 

But now I can.

You allow debauchery to run wild in my imagination 

And cause me to think the worst of the one I love. 

Threat or not, your advice does not appeal to me. 

I will not let you treat him this way. 

[nikkispoetry]

Idealistic First Love - Aug. 7, 2014

First love is always painful and creates a pillow of perfection

Showing what is, what always will be, a point of reference. 

Instead it creates an isolated incident of fractured dignity 

That welds together pain with fire.

Bombastic personalities show through watercolor conversations

An endless sea of green creates a pool of unshed tears

In I pour, stumbling, tripping, falling

All the while rocks stand smashing, gnashing 

Words now are on mute, as I choke on my own saliva. 

Your disapproving glass eyes move me.

I don't want it to be the same for fear it may crack and never heal.

Not a headshot, but a heart breaker, an emotional cleansing. 

Everything was about pretending as

You removed the music from my dust bowl bowels

Are you hitting the right chord?

It's fun to pretend we felt ashamed of that love.

[nikkispoetry]

Untitled - Nov. 1, 2011

Bestow upon me Your words of wisdom

As my perfections prove to be unkind.

We all have our demons,

Cannot hide behind this disguise. 

Everything is survivable

But hating social interactions

Never knowing what to say

Always flawed disambiguations.

I could watch you forever

Revel in the simplest joys that emerge. 

Please don't prove me wrong

Hopes are sitting on its verge

Make me automatically feel safe

To never miss an opportunity 

Just hold me in Your loving arms

Allowing me to claim immunity.

Realizing everybody needs it

But not everyone is out to get you.

Provides context for inward perceptions.

My carnal nature needs to subdue

As the bright side of my bad day.

Grace spills from Your eyes

Help me keep my focus strong.

Striving for the heavenly prize

Obsessing, controlling, compulsive

Replaying it a million times in my head. 

Ethical and wrong compete for first place,

Help me choose what is right instead. 

[nikkispoetry]

Office Pets - Dec. 11, 2013

I can write all the words I want to say,

But face to face nothing comes out.

I become mute. I become speechless.

Instead of speaking my mind, I stand there with a smile on my face.

Whether you speak lies or the truth I’ll never know

But I tell myself that all that spews out are deceitful and self serving.

Pets come and go, affections fade and re-emerge.

Focus, however, is a journey

And happiness, though fickle, is earned.  

[nikkispoetry]

That Girl - Dec. 12, 2013

That woman … that girl

Seems to have forgotten all the things

That make you who you are.

Your scent is erased from her memory,

Although traces of it linger in the back of her mind.

Innotations are a faint memory,

Until she hears your voice again.

Until she can watch your lips form syllables and sounds.

Her mind races:

“Your absence is deafening.

My heart is burning.”

Yet you cannot reply.

She reflects on words spoken,

The actions executed, the invoking thoughts.

And she knows she can be better.

That girl knows she is capable.

A brief period of time away

Can feel like an eternity in hell.

Small things you share

Cannot be done in solitude.

That girl cannot go on like this.

She feels the need to enjoy

What she enjoyed in the past …

With you.

For you she waits,

For you she keeps communication close.

That girl waits in earnest.

For you she waits, for you she lives.

[nikkispoetry]

Office Pets - Dec. 11, 2013

I can write all the words I want to say,

But face to face nothing comes out.

I become mute. I become speechless.

Instead of speaking my mind, I stand there with a smile on my face.

Whether you speak lies or the truth I’ll never know

But I tell myself that all that spews out are deceitful and self serving.

Pets come and go, affections fade and re-emerge.

Focus, however, is a journey

And happiness, though fickle, is earned.  

[nikkispoetry]

That Girl - December 12, 2013

That woman … that girl

Seems to have forgotten all the things

That make you who you are.

Your scent is erased from her memory,

Although traces of it linger in the back of her mind.

Innotations are a faint memory,

Until she hears your voice again.

Until she can watch your lips form syllables and sounds.

Her mind races:

“Your absence is deafening.

My heart is burning.”

Yet you cannot reply.

She reflects on words spoken,

The actions executed, the invoking thoughts.

And she knows she can be better.

That girl knows she is capable.

A brief period of time away

Can feel like an eternity in hell.

Small things you share

Cannot be done in solitude.

That girl cannot go on like this.

She feels the need to enjoy

What she enjoyed in the past …

With you.

For you she waits,

For you she keeps communication close.

That girl waits in earnest.

For you she waits, for you she lives.

[nikkispoetry]

Engagement ring - July 16, 2013

A symbol of eternity, meant as a remembrance of commitment,

Yet material value is the forefront of discussion.

Arguments ensue with back-and-forth words exchanged.

Hard truths of a future life emerge as a repercussion.

To showcase and celebrate, the purpose for existence,

But the undertaking plays a less important semblance.

Mediocre vows mask the eternal representation.

This band brings no humility, no benevolence.

Let it instead serve as a reminder of companionship,

Of a love that cannot be broken, it's resilient.

A tiny emblematic perimeter connected to the heart,

It will shine with such valiant splendor and immense brilliance.

[nikkispoetry]

On My Own - July 11, 2013

I had a normal family life without a father presence. Mom playing both parts with a patriarchal essence Through the 20 something years of my futile adolescence Swearing like the tweenie from the movie The Descendants. Always knew to work hard and play up my abilities. Looking back over my shoulder at all of the hostilities, Acknowledging my shortcomings and many superficial disabilities Not understanding my role in life and all the responsibilities. I’d never say I had it bad or had a hard time growing older But being on my own for so long making decisions, becoming bolder. Taught me to appreciate the wonders of life without a chip upon my shoulder. Learned to work for everything I have, put the hammer to the boulder. Never any longing support to get to where I need to be. Working solo in the field and the only one I trust is me. Don’t tell me that I need direction and a confidence in my ability To make my life worth something, I’ve been dappling in maturity. The drive to make it on my own fuels the desire to achieve civility.

[nikkispoetry]

On My Own - July 11, 2013

I had a normal family life without a father presence. Mom playing both parts with a patriarchal essence Through the 20 something years of my futile adolescence Swearing like the tweenie from the movie The Descendants. Always knew to work hard and play up my abilities. Looking back over my shoulder at all of the hostilities, Acknowledging my shortcomings and many superficial disabilities Not understanding my role in life and all the responsibilities. I’d never say I had it bad or had a hard time growing older. But being on my own for so long making decisions, becoming bolder,  Taught me to appreciate the wonders of life without a chip upon my shoulder. Learned to work for everything I have, put the hammer to the boulder.  Never any longing support to get to where I need to be. Working solo in the field and the only one I trust is me. Don’t tell me that I need direction and a confidence in my ability To make my life worth something, I’ve been dappling in maturity. The drive to make it on my own fuels the desire to achieve civility.

   Reblog

[nikkispoetry]

Floating

Floating Cold fingertips sting rosy cheeks Flushed pink with daring satisfaction. The initial rush settles to complacency Muscles relax subtly, a mere reaction. Tense to docile with unflattering ripples, Show acceptance in the most flattering form. Waves of air breeze easily past Engulfing heartbeats to a comforting lukewarm.

[nikkispoetry]

Poison

Slowly seeping under the fingernail moon

Make chains of meaning to questions of existence.

Crawl through broken glass for one chance

To see the changing nature of Mother nature.

Some mysteries don’t like being solved,

And when they are, finger and thumb shoot out;

“Bingo.”

To live 96 years but wanting just a few more,

Pay the debt to society.

Brims are filled with sweet, savory flavor,

Liquid in thickness but potent in purpose.

Let go of inhibitions as if they were poison;

Good for the soul, necessary for the mind.

A nucleus of hoarding at its core,

Strives to grasp every toxic element.

Hurling a mammoth book of insults that cling,

More has been accomplished on the thrower’s end.

Lights flicker on and off,

Forming a constructed rave ambiance,

Musical notes merge together sloppily

Creating one mumbled sound.

Colors mesh into a blurry gray,

Brown, perhaps white.

It’s written in your flesh

Milking it for the theater rather than knowledge.

[nikkispoetry]

Define Easy

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, But under no circumstance should it be abused. Build up my dreams, just to crush them. If I broke both legs, would that stop you? I seek your guidance as a coach, not a judge. You want me to beg for something I think I’m entitled to. An aggressive embryo from the start, One dried blood stain on the wall Reminds me how much I’ve accomplished alone, But now I yearn to undertake things with another. Knowing I should move forward, Although I’m still waiting for an apology.

[nikkispoetry]

21st Century

Glued to the Internet, masquerading on FPS games; Matching jewels and planting seeds to farm. Bookshelves like the 1930s dust bowl, uninhabited by inquiring minds. ‘Reading’ … as if making out a foreign word never heard of, Writing is a thing of the past, handwriting has gone to hell. Collecting rent-like coins each hour, building cities and towns; But the best architect of all is Mother Nature. Gone are the days of pulling the iconic red wagon, And ushered in are the late nights of regenerating intangible energy. This century has humanity hooked not on phonics but electronics.

[nikkispoetry]

Everything I Wanted

Not a day has gone by where I don’t miss you. I keep these artifacts around my day-to-day living spaces In the hopes that I’ll never forget you. This soothes my mind and agitates it at the same time. Knowing that there’s no way in hell I can forget you, But the same action eats away at my insides Because I need these physicalities to remember, Remember who you are and what you meant, mean, to me. Knowing your absence at my milestone events saddens me, And passersby say that you’ll always be watching over me. Although, it’s not the same As giving you a hug after walking across that stage. There is no way you’ll hold your grandchild, No way you’ll see me in the imagined, stunning white gown, No way to go on picnics at the park, Or driving to the beach to just talk and reminisce. You were everything I ever wanted in a friend, a father, a mentor, You were everything I wanted in a teacher, a confidant, a matching soul.

[nikkispoetry]

Emotional Cheating

Constantly pulling me further from the ideal comfort zone Into a fantasy that knows no disappointment; Our faults and dispositions unknown, for the time And ecstasy fuels the heat burning within. It’s wrong, but not all wrong, merely scratching the surface, Emotional desires take over the physical And create something stronger and more agitating Than any physical fault or misdemeanor. There are no fairy tales, there are no certain elated finishings, Only trials and tribulations that somehow keep a person entwined. Unable to disregard the possibility thing you have going on, Thinking that emotionally unfaithful suffices for physical loyalty But knowing deep down that they are one in the same. Trying, with some success, to justify your actions And relaying to others the reasoning behind your decision However, realizing it’s not so easy to reassure yourself Keeps you awake at night, thinking about right versus wrong. Perhaps there’s no difference between love and infatuation, And those are, in fact, one in the same; For if they are not, all you have created in this fantasy reality Will be wrong in the eyes of God and your peers. Expecting great things only comes from the purehearted, So what amazing transactions will happen with the choices made? Willing to watch your companion of four years heartbroken Over a choice made by one, despite it being a relationship, a partnership. And seeing heartbreak again on the other side. But once again, justifying it. Life is too short to be unhappy. Realize, though, that life is too short to meddle in the happiness of others.

[nikkispoetry]

You Belong With Me

no explanation i give will be any good at persuading

you to believe that you belong with me

there is no way for me to force you to understand

that you really do belong with me

i cannot "do" in a poem, so sadly i am left to explain

i humbly give you reasons why i feel the way i do about you

striving to change back to how i used to be

is ultimately for myself

i want to be the best for you

the change will come, slowly but surely

i love you with all of my heart

words cannot even begin to describe it

and sometimes i don't event think actions could either

my love for you is agape love

i just have to figure out a way to exemplify it

so many things take its place

it crowds my mind and takes a huge toll on my patience

not to mention my sanity

i want to be able to clear my mind of all stress instantaneously

to make time for you

i'm doing all i can to show you that i love you

please don't be hurt

i never want to hurt you - ever.