vampire comedy ideas that will never not be funny to me:
a vampire who was turned as a child sternly telling a much older looking vampire to ‘respect their elders’
“i could sleep for a week” *proceeds to literally sleep for an entire week*
a vampire shouting “hey, we’re not done here! don’t you DARE fly away from me!” at a rapidly retreating swarm of bats
“you can’t tell ANYONE what i just told you okay” “i swear, i’ll take it to my grave” *cut to the next shot in a dimly lit cellar containing several coffins, each with a vampire sitting or lying in it* “so you’ll never guess what-”
a vampire saying “i never look good in pictures of me” but instead of a photo on their phone they’re looking at their portrait in an art gallery
*outlandish story about something that happened to them in the 12th century* “you totally made that up” “how would YOU know” “because i was THERE, asshole”
a vampire walking into a glass door because they can’t see their reflection in it
complaining about how door-to-door salesmen have made hunting much harder
immediately followed by a shot of two vampires visiting a house where the owner simply says “whatever you’re selling, we’re not buying” and slams the door shut
*sees a house with a welcome mat* “hey, guys, look! an open house buffet!”
“your father would be turning in his grave” *cut to a shot of a casket rattling as if someone is indeed spinning inside it*
someone: you don’t look a day over thirty!
vampire who was turned when they were thirty (200 years ago): *looks into the camera like they’re on the office*
“good morning. sleep well!”
