Nnarcosis

Nitrogen narcosis - an altered state of consciousness where high nitrogen concentration impairs the conduction of nerve impulses

[nnarcosis]

I used to equate being thin to happy, and now that I'm sort of thin and still not happy I'm more aware of my distorted thinking, in way. When I feel like I'm losing control of things, I start focusing on how I can control my appearance, but thankfully I've learned that an eating disorder isn't healthy and will not produce the results I might want. Plus my teeth and esophagus are screwed up so I can't afford to do that shit to myself again, frankly. I think I'm learning to be okay with my appearance. I kinda get makeup, although I can't afford the stuff I'd like, and I remind myself that hard work got me to where I am now and that I should be proud that I can fit into a size 4 at 5'6", not disgusted. I need to keep my emotions in check and talk to someone before catastrophizing and ending up with an anxiety attack. 

Sometimes I can't help but feel a little envious of my sister; she got the clinical help and support she needed (and currently needs). Maybe I really was functioning and clinical support wasn't needed, but I don't think that was the case for the entire time I was struggling. And even after "recovering" my functioning will always be compared with hers, although her condition is  long-term, debilitating, and altogether different from me. I remind myself to be proud of where I am now and grateful. I think I'm considered fine now; no recent relapses and my boyfriend helped me address my attacks early in their onset, along with my living situation, fostering healthy habits to counter inappropriate self-medicating. I just have to remind myself sometimes that I am strong enough to take on life.

[nnarcosis]

I'm unhappy. I'm not really lonely, because interacting with people over 8 hours a day is exhausting as it is; s just unhappy. I hate real estate and the sales environment sickens me. I want to go back to school but I have no idea what to study because I'm not passionate about anything. I'm not talented, I'm just sad. And today a client complimented my phone presence and I overheard a few agents talking, calling me cheery. Cheery. I hate waking up, having to spend 9 hours in a building of people who think I'm "cheery" (and probably incompetent), and then going home to mope for 5 hours before sleeping.

[nnarcosis]

I didn't think the transition from college could be this confusing.  Possibly one the most valuable things I took away from undergrad was realizing how little I know about myself. That sounds really trite, and it is, but don't know anything about myself; what I really want, what I'm good at, or what makes me happy. My entire life always centered around being good enough. I never had an outgoing personality and I remember the recesses and lunch periods I spent trying to hide somewhere so no one would notice that I was alone. I could have joined the group games but there was always that question of whether my presence was wanted. 

I told myself that I needed to compete with my sisters, even though my parents never actually exerted that type of pressure on me. I always sought external approval and because I never felt like anyone sincerely wanted me around I held on to ideal of perfection. I needed to be skinny to be pretty. I needed the best grades.  I needed to pursue the best profession so I needed to be a doctor. But I don't know if I actually wanted these things because I pursuing them made me miserable and literally sick. After spending my entire life trying to become someone who ended up not wanting to even be alive, I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. My boyfriend says I just need time, but I need to pay rent and maybe go back to school, or move again. Even though I was never happy or excited, I always had a plan of what I had to do, but now that I don't know what I want, I don't know what to expect. I don't have a future that I want.

[strange-geometry]

Depressive realism is the proposition that people with depression actually have a more accurate perception of reality, specifically that they are less affected by positive illusions of illusory superiority, the illusion of control and optimism bias. The concept refers to people with borderline or moderate depression, suggesting that while non-depressed people see things in an overly positive light and severely depressed people see things in overly negative light, the mildly discontented grey area in between in fact reflects the most accurate perception of reality.

Depressive realism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (via strange-geometry)

[nnarcosis]

The pressure to look a certain way still bothers me and I don't think I'll ever be very self-assured or "happy;" but I'm reminded by past conversations with friends like me: "You never fully recover." And that's okay.

[nnarcosis]

I wish I was more comfortable verbally expressing myself, instead of talking so fast and I stumble over my words even in one-on-one conversation. This is why I enjoy writing letters. Although sentences and phrases can seem so constructed, for me they are the sincerest means of communicating my feelings. But what speaks emotion to me is music; maybe because I assume that, for everyone as well, verbal communication has its limitations. The uncertainty of being in a long distance relationship has been keeping my a bit down lately, but (as cheesy as it sounds), listening to songs that remind me of how much I love my partner really lifts my mood. Even with my boyfriend reassuring me on skype, it's music that deeply reminds me of how intensely I want us to be together. I don't think being in love is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence but I do think that such coincidences may be few and far between; and what I have now is worth holding on to for as long as it's meant to be. Because what will be, will be. 

[nnarcosis]

Since (temporarily) moving home, I dont leave the house very often. I saw a few friends last week, that was fine. But I don’t belong here, or anywhere.

College took away my ability to express myself. Maybe it was because I was busy and didnt have time to find my outlets, but it also made me feel inadequate. Because I was never good enough at school I realized that I must not be capable of sufficiently expessing myself either. And it feels so empty.

I don’t know what to make of the past 4 years. I think I’ve come out as uninspired and pessimistic as ever because I am slightly more informed and realistic than when I started. It’s depressing, really, but this is what makes me feel at home

[nnarcosis]

I don't write anymore. I don't play music. I don't draw or cut. After I started college I thought that I could excel and that I could perform. And after I didn't, I don't think I am capable of creating anything adequate. Nothing is really passable when I don't want to try because I fail at everything.

[nnarcosis]

I moved back to home on Saturday and added moving out(/in) to my list of things that suck. Moving to our apartment in Redlands meant keeping a lot of furniture/stuff and I'm spending today and the next few days organizing and figuring out how much I can unpack/throw out.

I don't quite miss LA yet, but it hasn't settled in that I'm in a different situation now and I REALLY NEED A JOB.

[nnarcosis]

Doing my last all-night as an undergrad. Just 6-7 more pages on the co-occurrence of agoraphobia and panic disorder and PTSD. My Neuroanatomy practical owned my ass. But hey, when I get off work tomorrow at least I can drop by the bar for the first time in months. I have about 2 weeks to make up for 3 months of sobreity. 

[nnarcosis]

Tonight I am really sad that I spent the past 4 years competing with and comparing myself to people who always seemed more cut out for their paths than me. It's been really hard for me to convince myself that I can excel and that there really is something out there that I'm good at too. I always held out the hope that I had some ounce of creativity and was a little better than others at using my hands. Maybe I'll never find out if that's true, but there's always a lingering sense of loss over the past 4 years over the effort and mental strength that went into getting myself through undergrad never feeling adequate. I'd like to think that graduation really is worth celebrating because I made it. I'm never going to feel like I excelled but I made it and maybe this will be the beginning I always needed, or another dead end struggle, but it will be all mine.

I am not moving back home permanently; I'll be moving to Redlands in August, and who knows where from there. The end of one struggle is beginning of another and I'm as excited as I am scared.

[nnarcosis]

I'm trying to remind myself

after graduation I might have time to read and make music again.

after graduation I can save up for my own camera.

after graduation I can go workout regularly.

after graduation I might have just a little more time to figure out what excites me.

[nnarcosis]

In 11 days I will be done with my undergrad career (assuming I pass all of my classes...) and it hasn't hit me yet, particularly because I'm struggling just to find the motivation to study for my finals. I have a paper due tomorrow, a final on Thursday, a 15-page paper due Friday, and another paper and final due next week. I guess it's nice that I'm finishing a week before everyone else, but I also have work, classes, and lab for the next two weeks, yay.

As of right now I think I have two A's and one C, which sucks, but I'm more concerned with at least getting all B's at this point. Motivation, where are you?

It is just starting to hit me that I'll be in a long distance relationship four weeks from then....and for the remainder of our relationship. We talked about it over dinner today, after I talked about a med student blog I started following during freshman year (when I was premed LOL), who is now getting married after completing his MD and 7 years in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend seems so confident that we can do the same, but it's going to be more difficult than either of us can probably grasp right now. But for now, the next month is ours for the taking. 

[nnarcosis]

It's 1am and everyone and their mom in my graduating class is at Vegas right now and I just ate a donut here at home and wrote a sentence for a paper due Tuesday. I'm doing life right.

[nnarcosis]

When I wanted to get things out I used to play the violin or go for a walk or run or sleep. And when I wouldn't do those things, I thought that I'd always be able to write. But actually I hate how I write now so I just sit and stare and maybe cry.

[nnarcosis]

Considering my boyfriend is a psychobio major you'd think he'd stop trying to rationalize when I'm trapped on my little stormcloud.  No I don't have a specific reason for staying up until 6:30 when I have class ant work at 9am. No, I don't know how to explain crying spells or how I feel an overwhelming weight of nothing. And no, I don't know why, I never know why. 

[nnarcosis]

am I depressed enough yet

I can't drink because of stupid esophagus/stomach so here I am feeling pathetic at 1am witha boxof graham crackers and too many feelings (not enough, would be more accurate). I am conveniently sad when my roommtes and boyfriend are out, but then again when am I not sad.