noahjirachi

male hysteria

[noahjirachi]

i hope nobody finds this account. i need a place to talk to myself with the ever so slight risk of someone i know seeing

[noahjirachi]

it stings, i flinch, i still want more

[xanaxfarts]

shibari figurines by constant heaven

[noahjirachi]

if you saw my tears, would you touch me?

[noahjirachi]

begging my Self to stop is really a new one for me

[noahjirachi]

do you want me to be your victim?

[noahjirachi]

i've got an interactive sick & twisted imagination, and that's gotta count for something

[noahjirachi]

Getting myself worked up about wanting to have sex with strangers not for my own enjoyment but because i think being physically violated in that way would help me ignore the ways i have been violated in the past I don't know please don't touch me

[noahjirachi]

the next time things get really bad for me i'm afraid i'm gonna post my address and hope someone comes into my room to fuck me

[noahjirachi]

WHY IS THIS VIDEO why am i trying to pull a video i hate this i feel like something is taking over my brain and filling it with the worst shit i could possibly think of and i can't stop i need this to stop

[noahjirachi]

i got all these terrible things in my head

[noahjirachi]

i think when im feeling my worst i start leaning into some hypersexuality shit and that is concerning #concerning

[noahjirachi]

the next time things get really bad for me i'm afraid i'm gonna post my address and hope someone comes into my room to fuck me

[noahjirachi]

come watch me be someone i'm not

[noahjirachi]

i have such complicated feelings about my life . i had the best childhood and the worst childhood and i dont really think i had a childhood. i think they made a woman out of me by the time i started remembering and i think theyve been trying to kill me ever since. but it's fine and everyone i know has it ten times worse . but do they, really? why are they so in shock when i tell them about my grandmother? what did my grandmother do to me, really? was that what it was? or was it something worse? the details blur together into something that almost looks normal until you tilt your head a certain way and then its so clear. the only thing i can say about my normal childhood was that it was about as normal as a childhood can be. i don't know anything better. this is fine. this is all fine. i've never lived before.

[noahjirachi]

in an unfortunately census designated time in my life

[noahjirachi]

i chop myself up & shut myself out

until my body shuts itself down

[noahjirachi]

relapsed on sh, i was only clean for a month but i feel fucking terrible about it now . i really wish i didn't do it . i don't want to do it again . it makes me feel okay in the moment but i feel infinitely worse afterwards

[noahjirachi]

highkey not going to count this as a relapse because i get the feeling it was because of the mood swings i was having on the med i'm trying for endo . i dont think it was me doing it and i was in an altered state i think . still going to say i've been clean since april, this was just a blip