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art blog(derogatory)

tannertan36

Janaina Medeiros

#extradirty
Cosmic Funnies
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Three Goblin Art

roma★

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Xuebing Du
noise dept.

shark vs the universe
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
🪼
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Peter Solarz
DEAR READER
occasionally subtle
h
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@noahnovakovic
( for eliza )
I’ve heard it said that someone always has to leave first; no couple can promise each other forever. I just happened to be one of the idiots who thought he was an exception to that rule. Or, I don’t know, maybe a part of me knew that it was too good to be true all along. Maybe there was a small voice in the back of my head screaming at me to not become as attached as I wanted to be, but I didn’t listen. All I heard was you saying that you loved me and suddenly that was all that mattered. Guess the joke’s on me since I don’t know if I’ll ever hear your voice say anything again. I should’ve actually recorded you saying all of those wonderful things instead of just taking pictures. I wish I had been enough for you. God, I wish I had been enough. I miss you.
our house.
Noah had always been a nester. As soon as he moved in, his home needed to match him perfectly. Pictures of loved ones lined the walls, the piano he’d bought as soon as moved to New York took up space where a dining table might have gone, and shelves of books both read and unread were cozied up in a corner for him to peruse at his leisure. It had been imperative that his home was somewhere that he wanted to be, but he’d never known that every home he’d ever had was missing something until Eliza came into his life. He could have spent years decorating and would have never been able to bring to his apartment what she did the first time she took a step through the door.
Now, they’d come home together and they would go through the motions of living in tandem. The more he became used to it, the happier it made him. The space that had once been purely tailored to his needs had slowly become a haven for Eliza as well as him. Noah hadn’t known it was possible to fall in love with a place until he shared a bed with her. With his arms wrapped around her while she slept, he knew that nothing terrible could ever reach them again. Nearly deadly adventures were fun and all, but now they had somewhere to retreat to after long days of work.
They spent their days chattering about what needed to be done, blissful monotony, and played with the idea of introducing more members into the family; dogs, of course. In time, they slipped into a schedule that Noah happily obeyed. And, while they didn’t do every single thing together, Noah was no longer painfully familiar with the familiar gnawing of loneliness. Now he had a family and a home and he was excited about what could come next. As long as they ended their days wrapped up in each other it didn’t matter what happened next. At least, that’s what he hoped.
Talking about what happened with mom is hard to do, so I won’t, not in detail. What I will say is that what she did changed me. After everything that happened, I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was stuck in this purgatory between immature and mature. Later, I would find out that was pretty common amongst kids that had survived some sort of trauma, but back then I just thought I was some kind of freak. Most other kids my age could sense that there was something ‘off’ about me and I knew it too, so it’s safe to say that I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. By the time I was ten, this was painfully apparent, and my dad took notice. I’m sure he felt guilty even though none of what had happened had been his fault, but he expressed this by trying to make holidays into these fantastical events that might revive my inner child or something to that effect. The fourth of July was no exception.
During the summer of 2001, just like every summer, we made the long drive to Eureka Springs. July rolled around and I could tell that dad had some sort of plan. Each day, he seemed to become more and more excited, and he’d already made plans for Susie to spend the fourth with us. David and Irene almost seemed relieved, since this meant that they could join their friends at a more adult-oriented party. Needless to say, Susie and I were ecstatic. We always were when it came to spending more time together. We spent the day mooning over how many hot dogs we were going to eat and how pretty the fireworks were going to be. Dad, meanwhile, was grinning to himself the whole time. A little later in the day, he convinced Susie and me to stay indoors for a while. He said he had some work to do out in the yard and that we wouldn’t be able to play out there. Sneaky fuck.
While Susie and I played pretend (we loved to be people we weren’t), dad was hard work setting up our own private fireworks show in the backyard. He’d somehow managed to get his hands on the really good stuff, the probably illegal stuff, and couldn’t wait to put on a show for me and Scuse. When nightfall finally came, he ushered us into the backyard and we were in awe of what was before us. He sat us down and told us to get ready for the time of our lives. He’d prepared food and had sparklers ready for us. He’d done everything he could think of to make tonight as memorable as possible and we felt it. Or, at least, I did. The fireworks were the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen up close. Susie and I ooh’ and ah’d at every explosion. It felt like actual magic was taking place that night. That night, I could really tell just how much my dad loved me. I knew that everything would be fine so long as I had him with me. Him and Susie. One out of two ain’t so bad, I guess.
More hungover than he’d ever been, Noah awoke to a familiar pain that covered his entire back. A cursory glance of his surroundings told him that his night had ended up with him passing out on the roof of his dorm shirtless. The familiar pain had been caused by one of the angriest looking sunburns that he’d ever seen in his life. His phone was not in plain sight, so Noah assumed it had been a casualty of a night that had gone too far. Without its help, it was hard to tell exactly what time it was, but it felt like he’d been out of consciousness for days. “Ow, ow, ow,” he hissed as he carefully raised himself off the ground. Even standing still seemed to hurt. His entire body was screaming at him, but he couldn’t even remember what he’d done to earn its wrath. As he retreated back to his dorm room, he attempted to retrace his steps in the figurative sense as well.
Noah knew that it had started with your average UNLV party (alcohol, cocaine, etc.) and he had partaken in the festivities without a second thought. No matter where you fell on the political spectrum, parties like this made a patriot out of everyone. The memory of a group of girls bringing apple-pies to the party made Noah’s stomach turn. Just the idea of food was enough to make him feel like sprinting to the bathroom, but he managed to keep his cool somehow. Red, white, and blue had begun to blur at around one in the morning despite the old adage about those colors not running. Clearly, whoever had said that lived a much more sober life than a college student with poor judgment. “That was when the fucking fire started,” he suddenly recalled as he laid out in bed, mumbling into his pillow. His roommate looked at him, slight concern etched into his features, but he was more or less used to this behavior by now.
The Lee and Thomas Beam Music Center had been locked up for the night, but that had never stopped a group of determined drunks, and that wasn’t about to change. Noah had been drunkenly hammering away at the piano, taking whatever requests were sent his way, when the fire alarm had gone off. A group of established peers had the bright idea to play with sparklers indoors. There had been screaming and people running about like chickens with their heads caught off until someone collected themselves enough to remember how to use a fire extinguisher. Noah wished he could say that he had been that person, but he had remained planted at the piano simply staring dumbly at the flames. Having been too drunk to pronounce his own name, he was certainly too far gone to be able to think on his feet. Or at all, really.
Not wanting to get caught, everyone fled the music center after that. After the quick escape, Noah’s memory went black and picked back up hours later at the tables outside of his dorm. Usually, they were reserved for smokers, but their purpose had shifted to shots and lines of coke tonight. The infamous upper managed to wake Noah up with a feeling of invincibility. A friend of his had somehow procured a baseball bat and, in lieu of baseballs, was swinging at whatever objects he was offered. Highly amused by the situation, Noah tossed his cellphone into the mix and watched as it went flying across the courtyard. He hadn’t even bothered to collect the shattered remains. It was fine, the man with the baseball had told him, those things only existed so the government could listen in on conversations anyway. At the time, Noah had believed him.
“Fuck’s sake,” he groaned into his pillow. “Novakovic, do you mind? I’m trying to study.” There was a clear edge in his roommate’s voice. “Fuck off, Tim.” Noah’s voice was much clearer now. He had no interest in catering to Tim’s needs while he was desperately trying to trip down memory lane and figure out how he’d ended up half-naked on a roof. That’s when it hit him. July in Nevada is akin to a summer vacation on the sun, mix that with coke, and you’re liable to die of heatstroke. Noah had opted out of an early death by stripping himself of his shirt. Shortly after that, he had noticed a feline-shaped blob poking its head out from atop the roof. In that moment, the mysterious cat had become the most important creature in Noah’s life and petting it was his top priority. He scrambled to make sure he didn’t miss out on his chance to meet this very important cat and was relieved when it seemed to be waiting for him.
Noah and the cat he’d dubbed ‘Friend’ got along famously. So famously that Noah had laid down on the roof for a more comfortable petting experience. Before he knew it, he’d passed out on the roof and the cat had abandoned him for someone who still had working hands. Remembering this, Noah made a promise to himself to lay off alcohol a good while. He did not keep this promise. In fact, he broke it that following night.
party on, dudes.
The Killers — Mr. Brightside
Love Me — Charly Bliss
Make Me Feel — Janelle Monae
Miley — SWMRS
I Wanna Get Better — Bleachers
No Culture — Mother Mother
Places — The National Parks
Choke — I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME
Talk Too Much — Coin
Don’t Take the Money — Bleachers
Drunk in the Woods — WALK THE MOON
To the Top — Twin Shadow
Dancing on Glass — St. Lucia
The San Francisco Examiner, California, November 16, 1933
I loved you long before I had the guts to let you know.
William Chapman (via wordsnquotes)
I’m afraid to love you. I’m afraid that you’ll leave and that I’ll go back to being alone again. Only it will be a hundred times worse because I’ll know what I’m missing. …I want to be able to love you more than I fear losing you, and I don’t know how. Teach me… Please teach me. Don’t let me destroy this.
Mia Sheridan, Archer’s Voice (via wordsnquotes)