Friday the 13th
With everything that has been happening in the news this week, the tears came today. I cried for my friends who have been victimized by the men in their lives. I cried for the women in my family who have been victimized by their fathers, uncles, and grandfathers. I cried for myself and the men and boys who ever made me feel dirty, ashamed, belittled, ridiculed, who did things to me that I was too young to understand. I cried for the marks all of these horrible men have left on us and for how even if we try to forget (or intellectualize it away), our bodies and hearts never do.
I cry because sometimes I don’t know what else to do and feel so powerless, so helpless, so ineffective. Women have been coping, adapting, resisting, and negotiating our survival in white supremacist patriarchy for so long, we don’t know anything else. It is mapped onto our DNA.
Smile, nod, repress the anger.
Don’t want to upset the men.
They didn’t mean it.
It was just a joke.
Survive.
I will survive.
Will I survive.
I am tired.
So many stories over the years - mine, yours, ours. Women are bound together by our collective abuse and victimization at the hands of men and boys who are socialized in a culture that celebrates violent masculinity and male domination.
We need love.
I was waiting for the bathroom, after a few beers. You came up and just starting telling me about a horrible male roommate. I didn’t know you and you didn’t know me but it didn’t matter. I know what it’s like to need that release. I listened and instantly felt a camaraderie with you, and shared in your outrage and disgust because I believed you. I believe women. This is not out of the ordinary though. This is a coping mechanism in a misogynist world. As women we must bear witness to other women’s suffering on a daily basis.
shout, shout
let it all out
these are the things
I can do without
come on
I’m talking to you
come on
In Living a Feminist Life, feminist theorist Sarah Ahmed writes that “once you become a person who notices sexism and racism, it is hard to unbecome that person” (32). It is impossible but sometimes I want to scream at the world, at folks who would rather look the other way because they have internalized misogyny. When will they become a person who sees women’s suffering?
Will they ever?
We will keep shouting until someone listens.
