what a life time of change has happened (: i only can laugh at my stupidity. and my angst that was black as coal. maybe thats why in 2016 what i got for Christmas was coal.
and this part was purely personal -directed at one key individual. i held on to so much bitterness. from judgements from an insignificant (friend) she called me selfish.. amongst other things. i spend pretty much the next 2 years wondering how was i selfish. it brought me alot of bitterness and anger. as i cleaned up the ship, scrubbed hard, i often thought Jesus how am i selfish???? it was a thorn in my flesh.
i was so damn bloody slave to my job from 2013-2016. and on hindsight, i think those years were the absolute darnest waste of my life. none of the (new) relationships i built lasted, and none of the friendships i made from all that serving/giving actually remained. it was one big waste of my time. at the centre of my life and pride and existence was my job.
and now fast forward, its 2019!!!!
ITS BEEN TWO YEARS! half of the time i had wasted in my life. how can i make it better. almost travelled half the world and im still at zero. back at square one. if anything has changed in my time living for something greater than myself what is it?
i guess. its the thought that as insignificant as i am, God still loves me! and keeps me afloat. and loves me in abundance. i am loved by my king. and that just makes me sing
as i re-read all my posts prior to going to the ship, that search for God’s love and purpose in my life, i realised, that my heart was ready all along for this life-changing experience. before my trip, people began to betray me, and i began to betray myself, and my thoughts began to betray me, and the person who I thought was a really Godly leader ...
i am really happy i went through all that. i entered adulthood, with the new realisation that men, will all fail you. and i floated around for a year with this pain/ shock/ like the foolish man, i had built up my career around the praises of men. and in 4 years like quicksand everything had wasted away. love from my students, love from the praises of men. running through the rat race of a career.
when it all fades, and comes to nought, no one is there. but the cross. and in all that silent dark times as i battled the worst of myself, no one was there. no one stayed when i was at my fattest and ugliest, and it was only me and Jesus.
when i was beaten and ready to die, God showed me how much he loved me. he came down through all my tears, and showed me who he had created me to be. and whether i had done wrong, or failed him, he restores my sins.
he loves me. he doesnt see my flaws, he doesnt see my successes. he sees my heart.
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